Dear Javier,

You started this thread expressing disappointment in yourself how bad of a son you are and how little love and attention you gave to your mother over the years. Then Anita remarked that your blaming yourself for your mother’s unhappy life might be misplaced: “redirect your empathy from your mother to you. As tragic as her life is, she failed you, not the other way around.”

You agreed with that, saying: You are most probably right. My mother still lives in the apartment I grew up in. Hence, so many memories and flashbacks. At the moment, I’m unfortunately stuck here. I have to work on shifting my perspective toward self-acceptance, with all my flaws and bad habits.

Here’s my take on what’s going on: A part of you agrees that you shouldn’t be blaming yourself for your mother’s unhappiness, and that you are the one who suffered too. Perhaps this part even resents your mother for not doing enough to leave the situation and protect you, your siblings and herself from your father? This part wants to emotionally separate from your mother and be an independent person, with your own needs and desires.

However, another part of you is terrified of that separation, because it believes you wouldn’t survive without your mother. You as a child were completely dependent on your mother, had no one else to count on for your survival (your father being a bully, you grandparents having passed away before you were born). So in the eyes of that little child, if you “separate” from your mother, it means death for you.

I’m really afraid my mother will be forgotten when she dies. Nobody will remember her, and it will be like she never existed. It frightens me, because, it will be like I never existed.

On one level, you’re afraid she’d die, because you – being dependent on her for your survival – would be endangered too. But what I believe is also going on is that one part of you wants to “forget” her, to live your life independently and free from her pain. That’s a part of you that wants to separate from her. It’s an older part of you.

But a younger part of you doesn’t want you to “forget” her because you believe you need her for your survival. This younger part doesn’t allow the older part to emotionally separate from your mother, and that’s why you started having these intrusive thoughts about your mother being “forgotten.” It’s like a battle between your older and your younger self.

Anyway, that’s my take on it. Do you think this might be what’s going on?