Dear Javier,

that’s very good that you haven’t used drugs in almost 20 years. I am also happy to hear you’ll have a full medical checkup in the following days, including measuring your neurotransmitter levels. That should give them an idea what needs to be mended in  terms of diet and perhaps other aspects.

Have you told them about domestic violence that you’ve experienced as a child? I think you need to be treated for childhood trauma, and for that, there are other, less invasive modalities than ECT. Please talk to them about your childhood trauma, if you haven’t already, because there lies the key to your healing, I believe.

The “dark” hole I was nurturing inside me, all the demons I created, destroyed me and my loved ones, especially my mother. Every day, every moment, I can see the disappointment, pain, and sadness in her eyes. She is hurting with me and most probably blaming herself. I have not only ruined myself, but I have ruined her too.

Your dark thoughts begin with you feeling guilty for everything, mercilessly accusing yourself, and not seeing the origin of your problems – which is in the first 5 years of your life. You have empathy for your mother and everyone else, but not for yourself as a little child who was living in hell. If you want to heal, you’d need to address that early trauma. That’s why I am asking you to please talk to your therapist about that period, so you can receive a trauma-informed therapy.