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End off the Road!!

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Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 233 total)
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  • #380751
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear  Javier,

    it’s very good to hear from you! I was thinking about you and how you are…

    During my first psychological evaluation/mental health assessment, I felt exposed, excessively guilty, and numb.

    Are you referring to this psychological evaluation that happened now? You say your first, so I’m not sure…

    My therapist says I suffer from strong feelings of abandonment, and will often have a sense of being abandoned,

    Have you shared with them that you’ve suffered from domestic violence?

     

    #380752
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    if you would like to share – what’s the outcome of the psychological evaluation? Were you prescribed medications, or to start therapy again?

    #380754
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Thank you for being here, I’m really grateful for hearing from you.

    Yes, I have had 3 psychological evaluations since 22nd May. The first I had lasted for almost 3hours, with extensive breaks. As I was very confused, and had several breakdowns, and was struggling with brain fogs, the first evaluation was split into 3 sessions.

    As I wasn’t allowed to have my phone/Computer with me, and no access to wifi, I was encouraged to write my experiences, thoughts, and feelings through journaling. As I was journaling for almost two days and put everything on the paper, I was too tired and fatigued to have a productive session.

    At the moment, I haven’t got any feedback nor outcome of the evaluation. But she confirmed severe anxiety disorders with excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. She pointed out several things that I need to address, such as gerascophobia(fear of aging), Thanatophobia(fear of dying and losing a loved one), Athazagoraphobia(fear of forgetting), PTSD, codependency, and lack of self-worth.

    They want to prescribe me Escitalopram(Lexapro), but due to my mental condition, and my struggle with addiction, they are reluctant to prescribe me any SSRIs/SNRIs.

    I’m scheduled to go back on Wednesday, but that is too long for me. I called them yesterday, but due to COVID, they prioritize the most critical patients.

     

    #380758
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    thanks for sharing some more. I don’t know anything about psychiatric drugs, but anita posted earlier that there are drugs that can be used with someone who has a history of addiction. Are you currently struggling with addiction?

    I am sorry that you’re in a bad place mentally and as you said, “living in the past, stuck in the past, stuck with only awful feelings and bad memories. I have managed to program my subconscious mind to only think negative things.”

    That’s probably why journaling left you exhausted and too fatigued to have a productive session. They probably shouldn’t encourage people to journal if this only exacerbates their state..

    I believe your subconscious mind is stuck in the survival mode, in the old childhood trauma from the first 5 years of your life. I think that’s where your fear of dying and losing your loved ones originates from.

    You as a child felt helpless and you feel helpless now. Your subconscious mind is in the same spot, reliving the same old trauma as if it were happening right now. It’s as if the fire alarm were broken and signals danger even when there’s no danger. That’s how your subconscious mind is reacting – like a broken fire alarm, left on ON the entire time.

    Your conscious mind trusts the signals from the subconscious mind and believes it’s the entire reality. It believes you’re doomed. In reality, you’re not doomed – rather, you need to switch off the broken fire alarm. That’s how you can stop the subconscious from hijacking your conscious mind.

    One way to silence down the broken fire alarm is via somatic therapy, as I’ve mentioned before. But first you’d need to believe that your conscious mind is hijacked and that there’s a way to retrieve it.

     

    #380763
    Sarah Jeanne Browne
    Participant

    First of all, I’m proud of you for reaching out for help. Since wed is your follow up, try to find some ways of coping til you get the answers. I had something happen to me today that made me want to give up. I was very drowsy, and it’s been like this for two weeks. I thought I wasn’t eating healthy enough so I kept trying different things. Then I told my mother who said the same thing happens to her a lot. She told me it was sinuses. I took a sinus med and felt all better. The point of this? The whole time my brain was telling me to give up. I was filled with negative thoughts, worries, ruminations and catastrophizing. My own bran was using my fears against me. And it turned out to be fixable.

    That’s not unlike your situation. There are solutions, you just don’t see them. One thought that helped me through this time was thinking “I’m just going to be curious about what is happening next.” My brain wanted to just quit. I was done. I was like, I can’t function or live this way so why do it? And it turned out to just be my sinuses! I used this thought of just being curious for how things to resolve themselves to fight back persistent negative thought patterns. It worked.

    You don’t have to have all the answers now. I hope you get on Lexapro and if not, they find another med which will work for you. Your evaluation uncovered many helpful things and it’s all coming together! There is a way through this which is to keep going, to just be curious about how things will turn out.

    I’ve had suicidal ideations most of my life. I always wanted to just give up. So I know how you feel. I kept going because I wanted to help others. What is your “Why?” Do you feel you have one? You need it to be strong enough to hold onto through this. It could be a dream, a way to help others through similar things, a relationship, a faith or religion…anything that gives you meaning. I recommend the book Man’s Search for Meaning by holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl. You are not the first to feel despair and hopelessness. So many feel it. But there are people who have written great things about it. He is one of them.

    I’ll be praying for you. Please keep telling a professional how you are feeling, and if you are suicidal, call a hotline or go to a psych ward or call local authorities. It’s okay to need help right now. But you’re life isn’t over. You have so much more to give and experience. No one can take that away from you- not your past, not your mind etc. No one can take away the goodness that your life has to offer. You just need to remind what’s worth holding onto.

    For journaling, there are many different types. If you are exploring negative feelings, it could bring up trauma. I would self advocate and ask for other journaling methods. Maybe try gratitude journaling. See how that feels.

    All my best,

    Sarah

    #380794
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    I haven’t taken any medication, painkillers, or drugs(MDMA, cocaine, marijuana, and meth) since I was rehabilitated almost 20 years ago. Even when in pain or when I have a severe migraine, I opt to just “sleep” through it. I still remember the excruciating pain of withdrawals, the muscle cramps, the hot and cold flushes, and the mental fatigue, I’m too scared to take any medication or pills. And, I know I’m not disciplined enough to withstand the urge to overdose, especially when I’m at the breaking point. The “dark” hole I was nurturing inside me, all the demons I created, destroyed me and my loved ones, especially my mother. Every day, every moment, I can see the disappointment, pain, and sadness in her eyes. She is hurting with me and most probably blaming herself. I have not only ruined myself, but I have ruined her too.

    I know for sure, that if I have the option I will take any shortcut I can get, hence, I can’t take any medication. My therapist says there are other options, such as ECT(Electroconvulsive therapy). But as I can understand, it has to be done while I’m under anesthesia,  and commonly, they use Methadone or Morphine.

    Every morning is a battle. My mind is going on overdrive every morning and is feeding all the demons inside me. My therapist says my cortisol and melatonin levels are not on par, hence I need to change my diet.

    #380795
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Sarah,

    I’m happy to hear you are better now. It feels good to hear that there is hope, and possibilities to get “healed”.

    They are doing a full health checkup and diagnostic scan of my entire body including heart, kidney, liver, lung to assess my current health status and to screen me to know if I have any apparent warning signs or if any abnormalities lying inside my body.

    On Thursday, they will do a chemical imbalance check of the brain to determine if I have excessive or insufficient chemicals(neurotransmitters).

    I have put the journaling on hold for now. I need to take some time off and change of focus. I’m just afraid of everything. Nothing makes sense, and at the moment I don’t have any “why”. I’m just “walking” around without any reason and no destination. Sometimes I just want to end it, but then I think about my mother, and all the struggle and pain she has endured, and the pain and guilt I will give my family. Maybe that’s my “why”.

    #380797
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    that’s very good that you haven’t used drugs in almost 20 years. I am also happy to hear you’ll have a full medical checkup in the following days, including measuring your neurotransmitter levels. That should give them an idea what needs to be mended in  terms of diet and perhaps other aspects.

    Have you told them about domestic violence that you’ve experienced as a child? I think you need to be treated for childhood trauma, and for that, there are other, less invasive modalities than ECT. Please talk to them about your childhood trauma, if you haven’t already, because there lies the key to your healing, I believe.

    The “dark” hole I was nurturing inside me, all the demons I created, destroyed me and my loved ones, especially my mother. Every day, every moment, I can see the disappointment, pain, and sadness in her eyes. She is hurting with me and most probably blaming herself. I have not only ruined myself, but I have ruined her too.

    Your dark thoughts begin with you feeling guilty for everything, mercilessly accusing yourself, and not seeing the origin of your problems – which is in the first 5 years of your life. You have empathy for your mother and everyone else, but not for yourself as a little child who was living in hell. If you want to heal, you’d need to address that early trauma. That’s why I am asking you to please talk to your therapist about that period, so you can receive a trauma-informed therapy.

     

    #380799
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    I agree, I have told my therapist about my childhood experiences. We are currently trying cognitive processing therapy, and the main focus on acceptance and “letting” go. At the moment, it’s too daunting for me, as I have to relive all memories and all the pain, fears, and insecurities. My “inner child” has been tortured till now, and I need to start addressing and processing the neglect and pain. For my next session, I have been instructed to write a letter to my “inner child” to address all the pain, incidents, and all neglect. To assess each situation, to express all my feelings, and finally let things go.

    I’m also writing a “letter” to my mother, apologizing for all the hurt and pain I caused her, and asking for her forgiveness.

    As I can’t get any sleep, and to keep my mind busy, I’m writing to my siblings, their kids, my relatives, my friends, my ex, and to my unborn child.

    It’s a step-by-step process, and I hope it will give me some inner peace. I just hope I can survive this, I’m really at the breaking point, with no hope or motivation. Please pray for me.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Javier.
    #380801
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I am praying for you. I’ll be away from the computer for the next few hours, but when I come back, I’ll write some more regarding what you’ve just shared.

    #380814
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    We are currently trying cognitive processing therapy, and the main focus on acceptance and “letting” go. At the moment, it’s too daunting for me, as I have to relive all memories and all the pain, fears, and insecurities.

    I hope cognitive processing therapy helps you. I’ve looked it up and it’s a form of CBT aimed at trauma survivors, including childhood trauma survivors. So it should be fine, although I am a little cautious because you say there’s a lot of talking and reliving of the painful memories, which makes you feel overwhelmed. I still think you’d benefit from somatic therapy, to give you some basic stability and calm down your nervous system (which is in a state of constant excitation – the fire alarm ON all the time).

    For my next session, I have been instructed to write a letter to my “inner child” to address all the pain, incidents, and all neglect. To assess each situation, to express all my feelings, and finally let things go.

    That’s a good idea to address your inner child. Do you feel you can get in touch with your inner child?

    I’m also writing a “letter” to my mother, apologizing for all the hurt and pain I caused her, and asking for her forgiveness.

    As I can’t get any sleep, and to keep my mind busy, I’m writing to my siblings, their kids, my relatives, my friends, my ex, and to my unborn child.

    How do you feel after writing those letters? Do you feel some relief, or you feel more guilt? I think it would be important that whatever exercise you do, it doesn’t produce more guilt.

     

    #380825
    Javier
    Participant

    TeaK,

    I’m struggling to access my “Inner Child”. There is so much pain and fear(fear to get stuck in my past, fear of finding new incidents). At the moment, I’m confused and disoriented. It feels like one step ahead and two steps behind. I have this choking sensation all the time, it feels like I have anxiety attacks every other minute. My mind is on overdrive, I have had several major breakdowns today, and have been crying continuously.

    The more I write, the more depressed I get. I feel guilt, shame, and regret. I’m afraid I can’t rectify anything and afraid of what the future brings. I’m afraid of everything. My nervous system is completely stressed out. My mother has a breakdown this morning, she is heartbroken because of me. I don’t know what to do. My siblings are also here for me, but everyone is concerned. I just wish I can close my eyes and just disappear.

     

    #380827
    Sarah Jeanne Browne
    Participant

    Javier,

    I’m so proud of you again for getting help. I know it’s tough. But you’re almost through this! You just have to hold on. 🙂 We are here for you. I’m not going anywhere. You can check in as much as you like. I will answer as soon as I can.

    Once you get the answers, you can take control of your life. That is the goal. You have that to look forward to.

    Try gratitude journaling. It seems too like you have negative thought patterns which you have not yet learned to positively reframed. This is an article I wrote today for Forbes on this very issue: HERE

    So you have a why. You want to see what will happen once you get the answers and take control. You want to not cause those you love the suffering of you ending it. But you need to dig a little deeper and find more whys.

    Here’s some suggestions:

    1) To help others go through what you are going through

    2) To advocate for causes related to your issues

    3) To find happiness and purpose

    4) To know yourself so you can be vulnerable and open in a relationship without leaning too hard on the other person

    5) To establish boundaries so you stay safe in your relationships or know when to walk away

    6) To love yourself unconditionally. I want you to start working on this one right now.

    7) To forgive yourself and others.

    8) To follow something bigger than yourself- maybe an organization, cause or even a faith

    9) To make meaning out of the mess. Your mess is your message.

    10) And to be mindful in the moment. I suggest starting to meditate. Try Insight Timer for free ones.

    Can you think of anymore?

    #380828
    Sarah Jeanne Browne
    Participant

    Javier,

    I’m so proud of you again for getting help. I know it’s tough. But you’re almost through this! You just have to hold on. 🙂 We are here for you. I’m not going anywhere. You can check in as much as you like. I will answer as soon as I can.

    Once you get the answers, you can take control of your life. That is the goal. You have that to look forward to.

    Try gratitude journaling. It seems too like you have negative thought patterns which you have not yet learned to positively reframed. This is an article I wrote today for Forbes on this very issue: HERE

    So you have a why. You want to see what will happen once you get the answers and take control. You want to not cause those you love the suffering of you ending it. But you need to dig a little deeper and find more whys.

    Here’s some suggestions:

    1) To help others go through what you are going through

    2) To advocate for causes related to your issues

    3) To find happiness and purpose

    4) To know yourself so you can be vulnerable and open in a relationship without leaning too hard on the other person

    5) To establish boundaries so you stay safe in your relationships or know when to walk away

    6) To love yourself unconditionally. I want you to start working on this one right now.

    7) To forgive yourself and others.

    8) To follow something bigger than yourself- maybe an organization, cause or even a faith

    9) To make meaning out of the mess. Your mess is your message.

    10) And to be mindful in the moment. I suggest starting to meditate. Try Insight Timer for free ones.

    Can you think of anymore?

    #380850
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Sarah,

    I’m doing gratitude journaling and working on my “why”. I read your article, and I agree, I need to also find self-love.

    I have requested my therapist to get 1hour daily for accessing my phone, so I can write and read on the forum.

    Hopefully, I will be able to keep in touch with you on a daily basis. Please pray for me and take care.

     

     

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