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End off the Road!!

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  • #380851
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    Sorry, I’ve noticed only now that you replied to me earlier…

    I’m struggling to access my “Inner Child”. There is so much pain and fear(fear to get stuck in my past, fear of finding new incidents). At the moment, I’m confused and disoriented. It feels like one step ahead and two steps behind.  .. My mind is on overdrive, I have had several major breakdowns today, and have been crying continuously.

    The more I write, the more depressed I get. I feel guilt, shame, and regret.

    I thought this might happen. That’s why please stop writing those letters while you’re stuck in guilt, because you’ll only feel worse. Those letters make sense only if you would get to the point of developing a positive, compassionate inner voice (a voice who would have compassion for your inner child). Right now, you’re only hearing the inner critic, who is accusing you left and  right.

    You can pray to Virgin Mary to be that voice for you – to be that compassionate, loving parent. I once had a meditation with her, and in my mind, she leaned over my crib and soothed me. At that time I still hadn’t developed self-compassion and self-love, so I needed to get it from the outside. And I got it, it was a very profound healing experience.

    The song that I shared, Ave Maria, sung by Celine Dion, has beautiful lyrics, and perhaps can help you in calling upon the divine mother:

    Ave Maria!
    Maiden mild!
    Oh, listen to a maiden’s prayer
    For thou canst hear amid the wild
    ‘Tis thou, ’tis thou canst save amid, despair.
    We slumber safely ’til the morrow
    Though we’ve by man outcast reviled
    Oh, maiden, see a maiden’s sorrow
    Oh, Mother, hear a suppliant child!

    Ave Maria, gratia plena
    Maria, gratia plena
    Maria, gratia plena
    Ave, ave dominus
    Dominus tecum

    The murky cavern’s air so heavy
    Shall breathe of balm if thou hast smiled
    Oh, maiden, hear a maiden pleadin’
    Oh, Mother, hear a suppliant child

    You can imagine yourself as a suppliant child stretching your arms towards the loving divine mother, pleading her to come to your rescue, to love you and care for you. It worked wonders for me. I hope it might for you too.

    I am praying for your healing, Javier.

     

    #380923

    I found some journaling prompts for you that are more positive:

    33 Prompts to Promote Optimism and Health on Positive Thinking Day

    1. What is something that always puts you in a good mood?
    2. What is the best way to lift someone else’s spirits?
    3. Do you consider yourself to be an optimist? Why or why not?
    4. Create a morning mantra for yourself that you could use to start each day off right. Write about what it means to you.
    5. Do you believe that setting a good intention for your day can help you have a better day? Why or why not?
    6. Imagine your perfect day and write about what it would look like.
    7. Write about a time when a situation that seemed bad turned out okay in the end.
    8. Make a gratitude list of everything you’re thankful for this week. Then, choose one thing to write about in detail.
    9. Who is the most positive person you know? How do you feel when you are around him or her?
    10. What are a few small things you could do to have a more positive attitude?
    11. What is your favorite thing about yourself? Write about how it impacts your life.
    12. Did you know that positive thinking can be good for your physical health? Why do you think this is?
    13. What is the nicest thing someone has ever said about you? How did it make you feel?
    14. What would you do if your best friend needed to be cheered up?
    15. It’s only human to make mistakes! Write about a time when you could have used this reminder.
    16. Try to keep a smile on your face for as much of the day as possible. Then, write about your experience.
    17. Do you find it easy to express your feelings? Why or why not?
    18. What can you do today to make someone else’s day a little better?
    19. Make a list of positive “I am…” statements that you can read to yourself when you’re feeling sad.
    20. When you’re in a bad mood or feeling tired, do you prefer to be left alone or spend time with others? Why?
    21. People say, “Every cloud has a silver lining.” What does this phrase mean to you?
    22. What do you like to do to make yourself feel better when you’re feeling down? Why?
    23. What inspires you to be a better person? Why?
    24. Who can you turn to when you need advice or support? How will that person help you?
    25. Does your home feel like a positive environment to you? Why or why not?
    26. What is one negative thing you could easily eliminate from your life?
    27. Think of one nice thing you can do for a stranger today. Then, write about what you will do.
    28. Write about a time when you used positive thinking to reframe a negative situation.
    29. Spend a day doing things more slowly. Then, write about your experience and any changes to your mood that you noticed.
    30. Think of something that scares you. Then, consider a reason you don’t need to be scared of it and write about your thoughts.
    31. What is one healthy habit you could maintain each day that would have a positive effect on your life?
    32. People say, “Laughter is the best medicine.” What is something that always makes you laugh?  Does it make you feel better when you are upset?
    33. Think of something that has bothered you lately. Do you think you will still care about it in a month?  Or in a year?  Why or why not?
    #381022
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    how are you? Are you done with the medical checkup and returned home?

    #381096
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    I have returned home. I feel dead inside. I’m lonely and depressed. I feel useless and full of fears. Nothing makes sense. After my last session, I’m stuck in my past. I miss everything and everyone from when I was a kid.  My family, my friends, my classmates, my teachers, my relatives, the good times. I miss being young and full of life. I can’t cope with all the changes.

    I cry all the time, even when out of tears. I have trouble with breathing, I “choke” every other minute.

    My mother’s health is not good, she has had several breakdowns since I’ve been away for medical checkups. She is struggling because of me. She’s feeling guilty and is blaming herself. I’m ruining her. I just want to hug her and ask for forgiveness and tell her how much I love her.

    #381097
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear Sarah,

    Thank you for the journaling prompts. I have included these in my daily morning routines. I have also started to read Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. I’m just afraid that I will never “heal” even with all the help I can get.

     

    #381099
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I am sorry that the stay in the clinic didn’t seem to have helped much.

    How was your medical checkup? And the neurotransmitter measurement? What are the conclusions?

    After my last session, I’m stuck in my past. I miss everything and everyone from when I was a kid. My family, my friends, my classmates, my teachers, my relatives, the good times. I miss being young and full of life.

    What did you do in the session? It appears you went back to your childhood, but somehow remember it only in positive terms, even though you suffered pretty much as a child. But it seems you remember only the good times, and forget about the bad times, and this exacerbates your sense of loss…

    What I think is one of the main problems is that you’re completely identified with the part that is helpless and feels guilty for everything. There are more parts of our personality, but you’re completely identified with that one part. In order for therapy and healing to work, you’d need to “unblend” from that part. You’d need to step back and realize that this helpless and guilty part is not the entirety of who you are. You’d need to access your true self, which is beyond this helpless, guilty part that you’re stuck in.

    One quality of our true self is the ability to witness and observe all of our thoughts and feelings, and all of our parts – without judgment. So if you can observe the helpless and guilty part, but not identify with it, that would be an important step in your healing.

    One of the ways to develop and strengthen the witnessing part is to stay in the present moment, breathe slowly and follow your breath as it goes in and out of your nostrils – in short, methods used in mindfulness meditation. Would you be willing to explore that more?

     

    #381100

    Javier

    i am seeing that you lack coping skills. You are trying to solve everything when the truth is “don’t try to calm the storm. Calm yourself. The storm will pass.” Meditation will be extremely useful to you.

    you are outside your window of tolerance for negative feelings. You are blaming yourself for your moms upset. That is out of your control. But you are being highly proactive.

    you need to stop panicking and worrying about every little thing. On top of trauma and depression you are catastrophizing and panicking over not feeling well. This is perpetuating the problem.

    ive given you homework. If you want more read Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed and Try Softer by Aundi Kolber. They are self help books that will change your life.

    i want you to google coping skills for ptsd and depression. Search Facebook groups for emotional support groups.

    Ground yourself in the present when you start to feel bad. Focus only on your senses things you smell see taste touch and hear until you calm down. Try box breathing too. Inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts then repeat.

    you asked me to pray for you. I have been. Your mom is experiencing codependent emotions with you. All you can do is reassure her. You can’t control her response. As you’ll find in Victor Frankl writing you can only control yourself. The one choice you have in any situation is your attitude.

    im praying for you. I feel called to answer you. I’m trying to keep you alive but can only do so much. You’ve shown me you want to live and are fighting for yourself. Give the rest to God. I’ll be here as you navigate this.

    #381101

    Also watch The Secret. I’m watching it too now https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i7GmSg8vmcg

    #381137
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    My Serotonin and Dopamine levels were really low, while Norepinephrine and Glutamate were off the chart(really high levels). I will have to take medication but only under supervision. As my Melatonin levels are also very low, I have been subscribed Melatonin dietary suplements, but only in low doses. I must also increase my vitamin B(B9 and B12) and vitamin D intake and additionally increase my omega-3 intake. Electroconvulsive therapy is also an option, but at the moment that’s not considered. My blood test shows that I have Anemia and am at high risk of Diabetes 2. My <span class=”mntl-sc-block-subheading__text”>Creatinine and Blood Urea Nitrogen levels were sub-par, and I have inflammation in my liver.</span>

    In my session with my therapist, we went through my journals and all the letters I had written(I only managed to write letters to my vulnerable inner child and to my mother). As I had several breakdowns and had anxiety attacks, the session was very time and energy-consuming. I was drained, empty, and without any motivation. We had a “coping” session, where all incidents from my childhood were addressed and all thoughts and feelings were noted down and listed. For each negative incident, I had to note down a positive incident. This session was to remind me that not everything from my past was negative and awful and to remind and feed my subconscious mind with positive memories. According to my therapist, the human mind has a limited memory space, hence daily affirmations and focusing more on the positive and good things in life can slowly diminish the negative thoughts.

     

    #381138
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you Sarah,

    Your prayers, caring, and support help a lot. You are right, I need to focus on myself, I need to “heal” myself, I need to conquer all my fears and get rid of my demons. I’m not responsible for my mother’s pain and sorrows, but I can try to ease it. But first and foremost, I’m working on myself, because I have felt dead inside for a long while, and it’s unbearable. I’m reading, journaling, and training my mind to think positive every day. I’m listening and watching the Secret, in addition, I’m watching sermons of TD Jakes every morning. By this week, I will start doing breathing exercises and mindfullness.

    #381145

    Javier,

    Wow! I am so amazed and proud of you for being so PROACTIVE. You have a great attitude about all this and are actually doing a lot of good for yourself. Give yourself some credit.

    If you don’t want to buy The Secret, I found the full text on Youtube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBXVrH_VvAY&t=4561s

    I believe in you. I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Your life is worth it. I am so excited to see the person you become from all this. You have already done a lot for yourself and will help others one day with this same struggle. You have the ability to turn it around now.

    So…live. I want you to live. I want you to know it’s going to be okay. I want you to take breaks, laugh, live in the moment and love yourself. I want you to know that God has not abandoned you.

    Neither will I. 🙂

    #381150
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    the neurotransmitter examination has basically proven that your stress level is very high, while the “feel good” hormones are very low. It’s good that you’ve been prescribed a medication and a dietary supplement to improve that. What about liver inflammation – will you be getting some medication for that?

    I like how you sound in your reply to Sarah – much more positive than before:

    But first and foremost, I’m working on myself, because I have felt dead inside for a long while, and it’s unbearable

    You have felt dead inside, but it seems you’re open to changing that, to start on the healing journey, step by step.

    I need to “heal” myself, I need to conquer all my fears and get rid of my demons. I’m not responsible for my mother’s pain and sorrows, but I can try to ease it.

    Just take it slowly, you don’t need to conquer all your fears, at least not immediately. But you can be aware that some of your fears (of dying, of your mother dying) have to do with your childhood trauma, and so as you work on that, your fears will subside too.

    Also, as I said, try to “unblend” from the helpless and desperate part (it seems you’ve managed to do it in your last two posts). Whenever your mind wants to go into the old program of “I feel dead inside. I feel useless and full of fears. Nothing makes sense. It’s all my fault.” — tell yourself that this is just one part of you. But it’s not the entirety of who you are. The other part wants to heal and get unstuck, wants to experience more than the dark hole that you’ve suffered from so far. And most importantly – this other part is capable of healing, of filling the dark hole with love, of feeling joy in life again!

    We had a “coping” session, where all incidents from my childhood were addressed and all thoughts and feelings were noted down and listed. For each negative incident, I had to note down a positive incident. This session was to remind me that not everything from my past was negative and awful and to remind and feed my subconscious mind with positive memories.

    It’s good that you remembered that not everything in your childhood was negative. Last time you posted, you said that because of that session (I believe you meant that one?), you’re stuck in the past and are missing everyone from the past – basically, that remembering good moments from your childhood only caused you more pain. But I hope that was just temporary, and that you can cherish those positive experiences without them causing an even bigger pain. Try to remember the positive experiences as truly positive and be grateful for them, rather than regretting that you’re not young any more, thereby annulling the positive experience and adding it to the negative “bunch”.

    By this week, I will start doing breathing exercises and mindfullness.

    That’s great. Start gently, don’t force yourself. And please post how it is going, or whenever you feel you need some encouragement. I too am praying and rooting for you.

     

    #381165
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you, Sarah and TeaK,

    I just hit the rock bottom. Today, the light in my heart dimmed forever. I found my mother crying in her room, she had a mental breakdown. I just saw the person I love most in the world, the woman that gave me birth, that stood by me in both good and bad days, crumble in front of me. My heart just died. The hurt and the feeling of sorrow are bone-deep. I am both too mentally and emotionally exhausted at the moment. I can’t focus on myself anymore. I need to get some sleep, need time to process everything. I need to be there for my mother. I will write in detail later. Please pray for my mother, she needs the prayers more than me.

    #381166

    I am praying for your mother. You can only do so much. If she is suffering mentally, she needs to seek help too. You are not her therapist or caregiver. If it’s true she can’t handle your breakdown, then remember now to have boundaries in discussing it with her. Focusing on yourself will actually ease her suffering. If she sees you doing better, she may feel better too. I don’t mean for you to become codependent, but it sounds like she is codependent on you. release it to God. This is rock bottom but it’s not the end. I praying for you both. Don’t give up. I believe in you both. She just needs time to process everything and life.

    #381187
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I am sorry about your mother. You said earlier she is blaming herself, and that’s one of the reasons why she had a mental breakdown:

    She’s feeling guilty and is blaming herself. I’m ruining her. I just want to hug her and ask for forgiveness and tell her how much I love her.

    Did she tell you why she’s blaming herself? Because after all, she is responsible for allowing the domestic abuse to happen for the first 5 years of your life. She allowed it due to her own weaknesses, and the result is her deeply wounded son. I am not saying she is the only one to blame – far from that – but simply that there is a basis for that guilt, in my opinion.

    If you see her entirely as a victim, and yourself as a villain who ruined her life, you’re not helping yourself, neither are you helping your mother. Can you accept that you’re not responsible for your mother’s unhappiness, and that it started much earlier than you were even born?

     

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