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End off the Road!!

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  • #381216
    Javier
    Participant

    I have managed to recoup a little bit now.

    I know I’m not responsible nor can I “heal” my mother’s pain and depression. But, the compassion and hurting are unbearable.

    I found my mother crying, she was devastated, heartbroken. She was so hurt and sobbed like a kid. It just reminded me about myself, and that her inner child is also broken. It reminded me that she has also been a child once, that has most probably been neglected and hurt. When I saw her, I didn’t see my mother, I saw a hurt child, that was lost and alone, that felt unloved and rejected by everyone and by the whole world. I tried to comfort and console my mother, and she uttered the thing I feared most, the things that have nagged me my whole life. My mother told me that she has felt empty, lonely, and dead inside almost her whole life. She said she missed her parents(both deceased), her siblings(3 of them deceased)immensely and felt completely alone and empty. It just shattered my heart. I’ve felt miserable for a while and struggled with anxiety and depression, and know the feeling. It just shocked my world, to know that she has struggled with this for so many years, not being able to be happy, not being able to talk to anyone, share her pain, get help. My mother apologized for not being able to protect me and my brothers, apologized for not being able to provide for us, giving us time and a good life. Not being be able to help us. She felt guilt and shame and failed as a mother. She has so many regrets, so much pain, so much hurt. It was heart-wrenching, to see the person you love most, be in so much pain and for so long.

    We cried for hours and I’ve never felt so devastated, my heart cries for all the years and pains that my mother has gone through. I know I’m not responsible, but I feel the pain and can’t stop the hurt and sorrow I feel because of my mother.

    I want her to live a good life, with a lot of happiness and love. She is now moving in with my brother, he and his wife will be taking care of her and hopefully, she will be able to enjoy some good time with her grandchildren.

     

    #381232

    Here’s how to positively reframe this situation:

    1. Your mom finally got to open up to someone, aka you so she’s not alone anymore

    2. You got to reassure her repressed feelings

    3. You two can become closer

    4. You can resolve not to be codependent on her and let herself be her own teacher (meaning you don’t have to provide therapy)

    5. Your mom is seeking better care with your brother and has hope.

    6. You are empathetic and sensitive in nature, meaning you feel for others deeply. This means you are a good person. The opposite would be concerning. Your reaction is normal and natural and human and good.

    7. You can continue to work on yourself and talk to us here on how you are doing. We can give you advice if needed for your mom or yourself. You and her are not alone.

    8. You have taken such proactive steps towards getting help. I am so proud of you.

    🙂

    #381239
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I see it similarly to Sarah – that although it was a heavy experience and so much pain and sorrow has come out from your mother, it was also cathartic in a way. She finally opened her heart and shared how empty and alone she felt all these years. And also, that it started much before you were born – she said she felt empty, lonely and dead inside almost all of her life. That’s why she probably needed someone by her side, even if that someone was abusive to her and her children. Her fear of loneliness was stronger…

    My heart goes out to your mother, she’s been through a lot. I hope this confession and unburdening will do her good, and that she can forgive herself. It seems like a good idea that she’ll be living with your brother’s family for a while, and be able to find some comfort and joy in her grandchildren.

    We cried for hours and I’ve never felt so devastated, my heart cries for all the years and pains that my mother has gone through. I know I’m not responsible, but I feel the pain and can’t stop the hurt and sorrow I feel because of my mother.

    I believe it’s like when a child sees their mother cry – they start crying too, because they feel helpless, they’re afraid, they don’t know what’s going to happen next. A small child cannot console their mother but cries and breaks down with her… And since you’re pretty much identified with your own inner child, you don’t have the capacity yet to provide consolation either to yourself or to your mother. I think that’s why you too were crying inconsolably…

    It just reminded me about myself, and that her inner child is also broken. It reminded me that she has also been a child once, that has most probably been neglected and hurt. When I saw her, I didn’t see my mother, I saw a hurt child, that was lost and alone, that felt unloved and rejected by everyone and by the whole world.

    You too had a very similar experience: a hurt child, that was lost and alone, that felt unloved and rejected by everyone and by the whole world. Maybe this can help you to stop blaming yourself, and to find compassion for yourself, for your own inner child?

     

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