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June 9, 2021 at 1:57 am #381216
JavierParticipantI have managed to recoup a little bit now.
I know I’m not responsible nor can I “heal” my mother’s pain and depression. But, the compassion and hurting are unbearable.
I found my mother crying, she was devastated, heartbroken. She was so hurt and sobbed like a kid. It just reminded me about myself, and that her inner child is also broken. It reminded me that she has also been a child once, that has most probably been neglected and hurt. When I saw her, I didn’t see my mother, I saw a hurt child, that was lost and alone, that felt unloved and rejected by everyone and by the whole world. I tried to comfort and console my mother, and she uttered the thing I feared most, the things that have nagged me my whole life. My mother told me that she has felt empty, lonely, and dead inside almost her whole life. She said she missed her parents(both deceased), her siblings(3 of them deceased)immensely and felt completely alone and empty. It just shattered my heart. I’ve felt miserable for a while and struggled with anxiety and depression, and know the feeling. It just shocked my world, to know that she has struggled with this for so many years, not being able to be happy, not being able to talk to anyone, share her pain, get help. My mother apologized for not being able to protect me and my brothers, apologized for not being able to provide for us, giving us time and a good life. Not being be able to help us. She felt guilt and shame and failed as a mother. She has so many regrets, so much pain, so much hurt. It was heart-wrenching, to see the person you love most, be in so much pain and for so long.
We cried for hours and I’ve never felt so devastated, my heart cries for all the years and pains that my mother has gone through. I know I’m not responsible, but I feel the pain and can’t stop the hurt and sorrow I feel because of my mother.
I want her to live a good life, with a lot of happiness and love. She is now moving in with my brother, he and his wife will be taking care of her and hopefully, she will be able to enjoy some good time with her grandchildren.
June 9, 2021 at 9:32 am #381232
Sarah Jeanne BrowneParticipantHere’s how to positively reframe this situation:
1. Your mom finally got to open up to someone, aka you so she’s not alone anymore
2. You got to reassure her repressed feelings
3. You two can become closer
4. You can resolve not to be codependent on her and let herself be her own teacher (meaning you don’t have to provide therapy)
5. Your mom is seeking better care with your brother and has hope.
6. You are empathetic and sensitive in nature, meaning you feel for others deeply. This means you are a good person. The opposite would be concerning. Your reaction is normal and natural and human and good.
7. You can continue to work on yourself and talk to us here on how you are doing. We can give you advice if needed for your mom or yourself. You and her are not alone.
8. You have taken such proactive steps towards getting help. I am so proud of you.
🙂
June 9, 2021 at 11:24 am #381239
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
I see it similarly to Sarah – that although it was a heavy experience and so much pain and sorrow has come out from your mother, it was also cathartic in a way. She finally opened her heart and shared how empty and alone she felt all these years. And also, that it started much before you were born – she said she felt empty, lonely and dead inside almost all of her life. That’s why she probably needed someone by her side, even if that someone was abusive to her and her children. Her fear of loneliness was stronger…
My heart goes out to your mother, she’s been through a lot. I hope this confession and unburdening will do her good, and that she can forgive herself. It seems like a good idea that she’ll be living with your brother’s family for a while, and be able to find some comfort and joy in her grandchildren.
We cried for hours and I’ve never felt so devastated, my heart cries for all the years and pains that my mother has gone through. I know I’m not responsible, but I feel the pain and can’t stop the hurt and sorrow I feel because of my mother.
I believe it’s like when a child sees their mother cry – they start crying too, because they feel helpless, they’re afraid, they don’t know what’s going to happen next. A small child cannot console their mother but cries and breaks down with her… And since you’re pretty much identified with your own inner child, you don’t have the capacity yet to provide consolation either to yourself or to your mother. I think that’s why you too were crying inconsolably…
It just reminded me about myself, and that her inner child is also broken. It reminded me that she has also been a child once, that has most probably been neglected and hurt. When I saw her, I didn’t see my mother, I saw a hurt child, that was lost and alone, that felt unloved and rejected by everyone and by the whole world.
You too had a very similar experience: a hurt child, that was lost and alone, that felt unloved and rejected by everyone and by the whole world. Maybe this can help you to stop blaming yourself, and to find compassion for yourself, for your own inner child?
July 8, 2021 at 2:57 pm #382664Sarah Jeanne BrowneParticipantJavier, I’m just checking in. Are you okay?
August 2, 2021 at 9:59 am #383944JavierParticipantDear Sarah,
I’m sorry to say, but I have been back and forth at the hospital and the psych ward. I had a failed suicide attempt by drug overdose and have been under high-risk surveillance. I’m empty, lost and alone, and everything seems unbearable. My mother and my family have all left me. As my insurance policy, denies coverage for costs associated with attempted suicide or intentionally self-inflicted injuries, the costs were too expensive for my family to cover. Hence, I’m left alone and are now staying in accommodation in public housing for the next 2 weeks. It was supposed to be the end of the road, but now there are no roads left. Nothing makes sense- I wish I could just close my eyes and disappear. The guilt, pain, shame and heartaches are all unbearable. I’m empty of words, empty of tears and feel completely empty. I’m sorry I let you all down.
August 2, 2021 at 10:26 am #383948Sarah Jeanne BrowneParticipantJavier,
You did not let us down. You are a human being struggling with suicidal desires and needing help. You need a support system and those who love you to come around you with compassion not judgment. That they abandoned you is awful. I will not abandon you.
I’m here for you. Please vent, let out whatever you need about this situation. You are allowed to hurt and feel pain. I’m sorry you felt you had to take your life in order to find healing.
I have been praying for you and have been so worried since you stopped replying. Part of me wondered if that meant something bad. BUT I’m so thankful you are still alive.
If you plan to attempt again or say you will, I have to report that so please choose your words carefully. Suicidal ideation is one thing. Plan to attempt is another. Please let me know when it crosses that line.
You are sick, not bad. You have mental health issues. You need compassion and care. I have great empathy for you. I want you to be okay.
If others left you, then they were never for you. Remember that. You did your best to tell us and others about your problems though I wish you had told someone you were going to commit suicide. Please tell someone when you feel that way, I am urging you.
I’m sorry your insurance doesn’t cover it.
This is hard. I know it is hard. But you’re not alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You hit rock bottom. That was your rock bottom. Maybe now things can turn around. I’m so glad you are alive and that the suicide attempt didn’t work. That was a blessing. You might have lost a lot but you did not lose your life. You have a second chance to get this right. I am rooting for you.
What do you need? How can I help you?
Sarah
August 2, 2021 at 11:04 am #383949TeeParticipantDear Javier,
I second everything that Sarah said. You didn’t let us down. You tried to end the pain because you didn’t know how else to stop it. But God didn’t want you to die. He has a different plan for you. He wants you to live. This could be a turning point…
I am so glad you’re still alive and talking to us. You are a beautiful soul. I really mean it. And I am praying for you to feel a ray of hope, just a tiny ray of hope and relief in your pain. Pray to God to take your burden away, to lighten the cross you are carrying. Pray for just a tiny bit of help… and wait, it will come. I know, help always comes to those who have faith. Have faith, Javier, it will be better.
I too am praying and rooting for you. You are not alone.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
Tee.
August 2, 2021 at 12:10 pm #383958JavierParticipantThank you, Sarah and TeaK,
Word can’t express my gratitude! This forum is the only thing I have. My mother couldn’t see my pain, she wanted to help me, to heal me, but my brothers didn’t want her to endure any more unnecessary pain. As I thought I couldn’t hurt my mother more, I managed to take away her peace and simultaneously scarred her for life. Your prayers have saved me, but unfortunately, my stupid decision has consequences. Due to the OD, my liver is damaged and is not functioning well. In addition, I got severe sepsis. Just like my brain, my whole body is now poisoned.
I just want you to keep praying for me and please keep helping people that need you and that can be saved and healed.
As I have hit the lowest possible point in life, and every breath is painful, I’m just waiting for my body to give up on me. I have no plans for any second attempts, as it was too dreadful and the toxicity withdrawals from the opioids numbed my central nervous systems temporarily. The doctors said I was very lucky, since the number of opioids I took, was four times the dosage it takes to permanently put me in a vegetative state. My biggest fear is to be stuck in a vegetative state.
Now, I’m off all SSRI medications, and melatonin(for sleep) and B12, hence, time stands still. My body aches and I have a burning sensation in my head constantly, giving me continuously brain fog.
The worst thing is that I have scarred and hurt my dearest and nearest. My nieces, that I love like my own daughters, and my mother and brothers are terrified and very concerned for my well being. I don’t want to hurt them anymore. Please pray for them!
August 2, 2021 at 12:25 pm #383963Sarah Jeanne BrowneParticipantJavier,
Even though it’s all awful right now, I am so thankful you are alive and not in a vegetative state.
I’m still proud of you for coming to this forum and self-advocating even when you feel like you are nothing. Again, you are not alone.
I am hoping this gives you perspective to never attempt again, especially knowing the risks of what it will do to your family, yourself and the world losing your spark.
If you can regain composure and think of wisdom from this experience for later, you can help countless souls who are going through the same things.
I too have had suicidal ideations and one almost attempt in high school. Life is unfair sometimes and just awful. It’s not your fault that you are feeling this way. So many are.
My only advice is self-compassion. You are soooo hard on yourself (and your family doesn’t help that). It’s okay to love yourself through this. It’s okay to see your goodness. It’s okay to see your potential. It’s okay to live life again and have hope again and know this is a second chance.
I’m proud of you even though it’s been this hard.
You are going to make it.
Sometimes, you will feel like this again. It might come back. I want you to tell someone if it does. I want you to go to the psych ward if you are tempted again.
In the meantime, cry. Feel. Heal. Be. Surrender. Love yourself.
You are not your circumstances. You are your character.
You are enough, even though you think are nothing.
You are someone. I care very much about the next chapter of your life, that you find stability. I was so worried when I didn’t hear from you for some time. I knew something happened, I just knew it. Thank you for coming back to us.
I’m so glad you’re here.
Sarah
August 2, 2021 at 1:11 pm #383967TeeParticipantDear Javier,
As I have hit the lowest possible point in life, and every breath is painful, I’m just waiting for my body to give up on me.
You’ve survived and are able to communicate, even though you took a dose large enough to put you in a vegetative state. This to me is a sign you’re not meant to die. God doesn’t want you to die. You are such a kind soul. You are asking us to keep helping those in need. As Sarah said, you too could be helping people in need with your unique story and your unique spark.
I see so much light in you, Javier. Instead of waiting for your body to give up on you, pray for your body to be cleansed as soon as possible from those toxins. Detoxification is possible. Regeneration is possible. New life is possible. Even when we’re at the rock bottom. Please have faith.
You are needed. And you are loved. That’s the ultimate truth, beyond all the pain you’ve experienced. Please trust it!
August 2, 2021 at 9:52 pm #383992JavierParticipantThank you, I really appreciate it.
I’m reliving all my demons, fears and miseries every morning. When I wake up, all bad and negative feelings come back. They are getting more intense and are paralyzing me. The feeling of choking and feeling like I’m dying is awful. As I’m both physically and mentally weak, I can’t even “run” or “escape” and “hide” from my depression as I’ve been doing all my life. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to beat the miserable feelings in the mornings and control the depression??
August 2, 2021 at 10:00 pm #383993Sarah Jeanne BrowneParticipantToday I journaled off and on for hours while listening to uplifting music. It helped me to process all i was feeling including inner child trauma. I felt like God was guiding me to see that I had irrational negative self talk making my problems worse.
I think journaling and writing here could help a lot.
Forgive yourself for being human and imperfect. You are going to be okay. You will get through this.
A trick I do is thank God (or universe or life itself) in advance each time I come to an obstacle. I thank God in advance for getting me through it.
I thanked God in advance for helping you today. In my journaling I expressed worry and concern for you and wishing I knew how to help you see your worth.
You are mistreating yourself. You must love yourself. Can you try to see that you are enough? This was your rock bottom. Things can only go up from here.
You are enough. Let me repeat that. You are enough. It is okay to fail and fall apart. I have done it many times. You just need time to recover. Your brain is processing everything. Journal it out until you feel relief. You can do this. You will make it. You are good.
Depression is not your fault. You have been through hell and back. Anyone in your position would be tired. Don’t pressure yourself to be perfect. Allow yourself to feel and be human. I’m not going anywhere as you go through this.
August 2, 2021 at 10:18 pm #383994JavierParticipantThank you, Sarah,
Your words and kindness mean so much to me. I’m lucky to have you in my life. Thank you for everything.
I will try to journal and connect to God. For a long time, I lost my faith and belief in God. Maybe I need to find a reason, a meaning behind all this pain!
August 2, 2021 at 10:21 pm #383995Sarah Jeanne BrowneParticipantI’m proud of you for this attitude! I know you can do it. Have faith. Let me know how the journaling goes. And God never left you. You’ve been saved for a reason. You’ll find that things aren’t so bad when you live for purpose or something greater than yourself. That’s what I do! It’s why I am doing well. It’s why I’m still here too.
August 2, 2021 at 10:41 pm #383996JavierParticipantI’m trying to count my blessings, but I have been suppressing and denying all positive feelings. I have learned to feel loneliness, hopelessness and shame. The feeling of failure is there continuously, and I have been struggling with a low to complete lack of self esteem. I want to change this, I want to live again. Please let me know if it’s possible!
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.