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End off the Road!!

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  • #383997

    It is possible! God is guiding you. Have faith and love yourself. Also so what if you fail at something or people misunderstand you? What matters is your character. What good can you do from this? Who will you help? Happiness can be yours in this moment too if you see your worth. Everything’s going to be okay. You survived and will continue to survive. You never truly failed. You are allowed to be human. I had a suicide attempt once too. I get it. Do you think anyone has it all together? Perfect is a myth. It’s a lie. No one is perfect. But you are a beautiful person who can do good with your second chance at life. You’ve made me feel good that I can be useful to someone. I’m a self help writer trying to inspire others and your gratitude towards me made me feel like maybe I am able to do good too. Thank you. It’s 2am here so I’m going to bed. Try some journaling. Let me know what you need.

    #383999
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I’m trying to count my blessings, but I have been suppressing and denying all positive feelings. I have learned to feel loneliness, hopelessness and shame. The feeling of failure is there continuously, and I have been struggling with a low to complete lack of self esteem. I want to change this, I want to live again. Please let me know if it’s possible!

    You first need to forgive yourself, Javier. Your self-condemnation is keeping you at the bottom of this dark pit. It’s what led you to attempt suicide.

    We’ve talked about it before. Your life started with pain, you grew up with pain, and none of it was your fault. All the “mistakes” you’ve made later (and which we all make in this or that form) are the result of that original pain. When you blame yourself, you’re blaming that little boy for simply being a child, for having normal needs for love, affection and safety, like every other child. You’re blaming a beautiful, innocent, helpless little child, who just wanted to love and be loved. Can you see that, Javier?

    I am praying that you see and accept that, and start practicing self-compassion and self-forgiveness. Because that’s The Way to new life…

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by TeaK.
    #384091
    Javier
    Participant

    Thank you,

    I’m working on my self-confidence and my inner child by positive affirmations.

    But the mornings, when I wake up and when everything is still. When I can only feel my heartbeat and breath, are the worst. My mind is going on overdrive, and negative thoughts and feelings are at worst. It’s unbearable and killing me. I don’t know how to cope with these intense feelings. I hyperventilate, I get super depressed and I’m on the edge of a breakdown. I feel like I’m dying!! My psychiatrist claims it’s due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, but why do they think medications will solve everything?! If there is a magic pill that can cure and heal my brain, why haven’t they given it to me earlier? I’m going crazy, I don’t know what to do. I just don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to die alone. The loneliness and emptiness are killing me.

    I’m sorry that I’m spewing so much negativity. I just feel lost.

     

    #384092

    How to Do The Work by Dr. Nicole Lepera https://www.amazon.com/dp/1409197743?psc=1&smid=A21D2M03J7WM89&ref_=chk_typ_imgToDp

    I just ordered it for myself. I recommend ordering it too. Maybe we can read it at the same time. Since antidepressants haven’t worked for you this has holistic ways to help too.

    God loves you. You don’t have to do anything to earn that love.

    Listen to Mercy Me. They have changed my life and brought me closer to God.

    Keep journaling.

    You are having panic attacks which are perfectly normal given your situation. You just survived a suicide attempt and more. Viktor Frankl holocaust survivor says “An abnormal reaction to an abnormal event is a normal reaction.”

    What you need are some self soothing techniques. Can you think of any that might help you?

    google cognitive distortions and identify the ones you are having. Ask the following- what evidence is there for this thought? Is it based in reality or emotion? Am I thinking in black or white terms or can it be gray? See if you can challenge your thoughts. Cognitive behavioral therapy.

    Then think- what is the worst case scenario that can happen? What is the best? What is the in between or most likely to occur?

    Write an unsent letter to your family.

    Lastly on one side of a piece of paper, write to your inner child. On the other side record your inner child’s responses.

    listen to Mercy Me. Trust me! These things will change you.

    #384094
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I’m working on my self-confidence and my inner child by positive affirmations.

    That’s good, just keep doing it!

    My psychiatrist claims it’s due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, but why do they think medications will solve everything?!

    I don’t know much about psychiatric medications, but as far as I know, it’s sometimes beneficial to use them in combination with psychotherapy. If you’re unable to self-regulate in spite of therapy, and are e.g. crying all the time, or having physical symptoms such as hyperventilating, in other words, if you aren’t able to function normally – that’s when medications are recommended. They won’t solve everything, but could enable you to calm down enough to be able to function more normally, and start working on your issues in therapy.

    If there is a magic pill that can cure and heal my brain, why haven’t they given it to me earlier? I’m going crazy, I don’t know what to do.

    You feel you’re going crazy because your nervous system is so overwhelmed, and you don’t know how to help yourself. Since simple self-soothing methods, such as putting one hand on your chest and the other on your belly, didn’t really work and you easily get overwhelmed, I believe you would need to consider medications. Not something to numb you completely, but as a means to take off the edge of your anxiety and let you function normally and work on your issues in therapy. I don’t know if something like that would be possible and acceptable to you?

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by TeaK.
    #384100
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    I’ve checked out the work of Dr. Nicole LePera, which Sarah suggested (thanks Sarah! 🙂 ),  and I think it could be very useful because it talks about ways to regulate our too anxious and disregulated nervous system. Which is what I believe you would need as one of the first steps in your recovery.

    If you could learn a few methods to self-regulate, such as using breathwork, and this would help you calm down and not feel overwhelmed all the time, it would be a big step. If it succeeds, perhaps you wouldn’t need medications (again, I am not a professional, this is just my layman opinion).

    #384117
    Javier
    Participant

    Dear Sarah and TeaK,

    Thank you so much! I just ordered a copy of “How to Do The Work” by Dr. Nicole Lepera and “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van der Kolk. As I have learned the last couple of days, reading distracts me from all negativity.

    I have also learned that it’s extremely hard to let myself be loved. I’m afraid, that the moment I accept love, I have to accept myself, and accept all my mistakes, pain and my emotional neglect. But, I want to change, I want to get some inner peace, and I want to feel love and appreciated. I have this recurring nightmare, where I’m left alone in the ocean, drowning, all alone, no family, no friends, just me and all my guilt, pain and miseries.

    Today, I’ve been informed that I will be part of a metacognitive therapy group, where I will be treated for generalized anxiety disorder(GAD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

     

    #384118

    Javier,

    Yay I’m so glad you are so proactive.

    Self-love doesn’t mean you have to like every aspect of yourself but acceptance is a good thing. It means you acknowledge you are human and flawed and imperfect. No one is perfect! And you deserve love. You always did.

    I think working on self-love through this is a great goal.

    Listen to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHosmHnOrb8

    I hope you have a great day and let me know when you get the book I recommended. I’ll be reading it soon too!

    Sarah

    #384165
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    these are all good news, both that you feel a bit more positive and motivated, that reading helps you distract yourself from negativity, and that you’ll be attending therapy. It’s good you’ll be treated for PTSD, which should help you deal with your physical symptoms too.

    As for your recurring  nightmare, it could be similar to how you felt as a small child – all alone, drowning in your fear and pain, and no one there to help you. Now it’s almost like reliving the same old trauma, only with a twist, because now you’re blaming yourself… I believe dealing with the childhood trauma will be crucial in your recovery. But, take it easy, one step at a time…

    You’re making the necessary steps, you’re open to change, and that’s most important. I am rooting for you! And please, keep us posted!

     

    #384233
    Javier
    Participant

    Today, I cried uncontrollably for 4hours. I miss my mother. I’m all alone, I feel useless and unwanted.

    I’m anxious about everything and are full of fear. I can’t see any future for myself, the pain of just existing without any reason or meaning or any passion is unbearable. I just wish I could just close my eyes and disappear!! I wish I never existed, never lived, never were born. I can’t remember the last time I was happy, or smiled or had a peaceful moment. I’m empty, completely empty inside. I don’t know how to cope with this!

     

     

    #384234
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    Today, I cried uncontrollably for 4hours. I miss my mother. I’m all alone, I feel useless and unwanted.

    It’s the child within you, Javier. When you were experiencing abuse and violence, you were truly a helpless little child, and that was your reality. You couldn’t escape it. It made your life horrible. But now, you are not helpless any more. You are an adult, you had successes in your life, you were loved and appreciated, you were the lead engineer on a cruise ship. You had abilities, you achieved things, you were not a loser.

    Covid pushed you into a dark pit again, into the childhood trauma, which is now hitting you with full strength. But you need to understand that there is also a capable adult in you. You aren’t a helpless child any more, you can now help yourself and build yourself up again. You have the ability to do it – because you have done it before!

    Activate your adult self, who will comfort your child self. Be an adult to your child self, like you have been to your nieces. Start loving that child within, like you love your nieces. He deserves it, the same as they do.

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by TeaK.
    #384240

    What I want you to know is feelings lie to you. Recently I’ve been having flashbacks of impulsive choices I made while previously manic. I’m stable now with bipolar meds. But now my brain is freaking out over the past. I know my brain is doing this but it’s not a reflection of the truth. I forgive myself for being imperfect and stopped reacting to my brains panic.

    Likewise you need to see your brain is lying to you.

    Write an Unsent letter to your mother.

    Sarah

     

     

    #384266
    Javier
    Participant

    I’m sorry,

    I have given up, I won’t make it. This is the end for me. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I have realized that I can’t survive this. I just called my psychiatrist and are going to be hospitalized. This time I reached for help before I did anything stupid. I have no desire to live and endure more pain. I’m really sorry!

    #384270
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Javier,

    it’s a good and mature decision to have called your psychiatrist on time! I trust you’ll get better, with professional help. Allow yourself to be helped, trust that there is help! I wish you recovery, and please post here if you can. Godspeed!

    #384281

    Javier

    Im so sorry. I hope the psych ward can help. I’ll be praying for you. Thank you for not acting on these feelings this time.

    Sarah

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