I just wrote something and my page refreshed, so its gone, i guess it wasn’t much, i just had a glimpse, when i checked the song you mentioned, that there is a person in the other side of the world, listening to this, actually talking to me, and what a wonderful person this is, i wish that i actually do something to such person, something that somehow benefit him, i remember i told you about the female friend i had, she is also from Iraq and had similar ideas, she is just too beautiful, she suffers a lot, and i want to help her, though i don’t know, i tried to listen to her, to let her talk about her suffering, i feel her pain, i wanna make it less, the last time we talked, it only seems to bother her, so i stopped, i just wish things were different, i told her i love her, she told me she not interested in love, she just wanna live, the thing is, she misunderstand what i meant by love, she thinks its romantically, but in reality its the same love we having, it hurts me to know that i can’t help her, i tried everything, she just won’t allow me to get this far, i always like to imagine my love to her is more like an artist loving a painting he saw, just admiring the details, appreciating it.

I remember after i told her that i love her, i had a dream, i dreamt i was in my bed, then i just remembered that i lost her, and started crying, but the cry was werid, it was very suppressed, i wanted to tell her, but i felt its too personal, besides it wouldn’t matter, it wouldn’t change anything, before i tell her i love her, i felt guilty for not doing what i can to be a better person, to be liked by her, maybe its the job, maybe its my pessimistic views, maybe its my desires and goals, i wish i was exactly what she want, maybe she will love me then, what would that cost? To me, everything. But when i told her, she told me that it isn’t my fault, its just that she isn’t interested in these kind of things, i didn’t fix her misunderstanding of the word love, but i didn’t see a point anyway, i like to let people think what they want, to make the image they want about me, when we first talked, i didn’t care much how you see me, but to just see me, the real me, then accept and understand, that’s the point, that’s the hard thing for me to do, since both my mother and uncle have this “this person have to like me” belief, and i had to fight this, i might take it too far sometimes, but i see it as an absolute win, to be myself infornt of people that i know exactly will hate me/dislike me