Hi Namaste,

I understand how you feel. I have had similar issues with my mother. Although I am not Indian, I am of Middle Eastern descent and have grown up with the expectation  I am to take care of my parents as I get older, or at least that they will be a big part of my life;  I feel like that may be the case in your culture too.  Needless to say, I understand the pressure you may feel to keep contact.  I  can say from experience though that it doesn’t get much better, even with boundaries.

For a long time I would often enforce boundaries with my mother like  “don’t speak to me that way.” or “That is unacceptable.”  But that just got exhausting, as it isn’t in my nature to have my guard up with a parent – I felt like I was chastising a child!  And honestly, although the boundaries did work and my mother behaved herself for stretches of time, she would ultimately go back to her old ways, especially if my guard wasn’t up and I just myself. Having a difficult parent makes it hard to be yourself!

After ten years of boundaries, I ultimately went no contact.  The disappointment of not having a present parent there, at least for me, was much to take, even if we only spoke once a month. For you, maybe no contact isn’t an option. You may have to consider not emotionally participating in conversations, not initiating contact, then ultimately not having your mother be a big part of your life.  And most importantly, DON’T FEEL GUILTY OR ASHAMED.  That’s the biggest obstacle.

Just focus on becoming the mother you want to be. Have the relationship with your daughter you wish you’d had with your mother. In my experience, as long as you take care of you and your family, the rest will fall into place. Again, don’t feel guilty. Your job is to take care of YOU.

Good luck, girl. Sending you  positive energy:)

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