Dear anita, you shared that you don’t like sharing, that you hate it, and only do it to help people, but i feel (assumption) you want to be helped just like you help people, you want people in the taproom to talk to you, treat you the same way you do to them (i hope some of them do), i wonder why you hate it? Why you hate something you want ? Because you wanted it for a long time? Thats what comes to my mind (you shared that once your uncle asked you what you are thinking, and you still remember how good it felt)

I was thinking what made anita talk to me in the first place, (i feel new appreciation for you) you said, i wonder if you ever thought about wanting to be helped when you saw me, that i could accept your anger towards your mother (these are just doubts in my head, its a possibility that happened to me in the past, so excuse me for raising them) maybe its just that you wanted to help me, after all you do that with every member, i honestly don’t know how we get to this conversation, it developed fast.

I think that I am like Max in the movie- emotions make me anxious, relationships alarm me. I prefer to avoid them, and I do. There is a person I care so much about, in another country, and yet, I don’t call

I understand, if im mary and max told me that my messages makes him anxious, i would either talk about something that doesn’t make him anxious, or just stop.

Maybe you can help me with this. (I never brought this up with anyone, this is the first time, online or irl)

I can only ask things that will rasie some questions in your head, sadly its limited how i can help you through the internet, its even limited in real life, i wonder what is those feelings, that makes you very overwhelmed that you don’t wanna experience them (or is it something else you?)

as is, a person like me needs a lot of alone-time and can’t take too much together time, prefers groups of people to one-to-one. Would that be something you would have wanted.. with someone (much younger) like me

Definitely, i understand the age gap, though you are the only person that meet both criteria, the intellectual and emotional sides, in my past when i talked to females, most of them meet only one side (the emotional mostly since its easier) i had to drop my standards to talk to them, to drop a little of my persona, set it a side, never doing that again, the emotional side doesn’t matter to me no more, since it was very much inherited, the intellectual side however, the one that i control, in my mind, we are compatible, in my feelings, we are compatible, in real life its not possible, but i just like to acknowledge it, we don’t have to do anything, just talk, until we ran out.

as is, a person like me needs a lot of alone-time and can’t take too much together time, prefers groups of people to one-to-one.

If we are talking about a hypothetical scenario, and that we are both close, and there was no age gap (which it wouldn’t be possible im afraid but its hypothetical) i would give you as much alone time as you like, and the one on one is a downside, but its definitely worth it when it comes with the whole package.

anger that was expressed on my face

I would definitely like when you be angry (lol), i laugh when my little sister gets angry (its only happes when i care about the person)

what is your experience with women, physically

None lol.

you are referring to, is it in regard to love online or irl

Online, when people can be themselves.

Murtaza, had one love relationship with one woman irl (and the relationship ended), then you would have been more likely to believe that it can happen again, with another woman.

More likely? Yes, emotionally? Yes, intellectually? No, one experience doesn’t change the facts.

I tried to edit the post above, and remove the “I would have run to you”

Why? Its cute, in my mind its a hypothetical scenario, it will never happen, its more like a wish, i wish the same too, but we can acknowledge that wish (just like you did above) no need for further actions.

it’s just that I felt guilty

For what? I thought you were afraid (this is a public forum, and an online conversation) from this limitation.

no wonder it is so difficult for you, full of youth,  to be caged in depression

What i understood is that you never lived your youth, and that now those desiers and feelings is  youth? That you somehow trying to relive what you missed?

these youthful emotions,  are not gone now

I don’t believe there is a certain age where these emotions go, why do you call them youthful emotions? Why not just emotions? This assumes there is a limitation to one  could feel when he hit a certain age (its similar when someone puts a label to himself, and then when this label “as all other lables” becomes unsteady, he changes but the label doesn’t, then he will struggle, trying to  fit into the label “youth,old”)

what is one to do with an emotion (energy- in motion) where there is nowhere for the motion to go to, suspended in the air, nowhere for it to land?

If its more bad to feel them to the person then good, then yes whats the point, a person should always peruse the best possible outcome.

In my experience, i would just feel them, not thinking about what comes next or anything, just trying to live the moment. (This is not an advice, lol) i think you best.

a way that requires thinking outside the box.. so that you can.. even if it is for one day, spread your wings and fly up in the blue sky, going someplace.

The first thing came to my mind is that “i create a rich fantasy world, then i won’t be dependent on people for my needs” but i already did that, i don’t think there is a way, its better to give up then to chase a very very rare possibility, ofcourse i can increase or decrease such possibility, but i refuse sadly.

This post was made possible, in part, by a bit of red wine

You makes me wanna try it.

I posted earlier, for you to not be sad, i made a lot of mistakes in this post, which i hope you correct (i made a lot of assumptions, said things that may not be true, or hurtful)