Dear AP,

her behavior is confusing, therefore it’s no wonder you’re confused. She wanted no contact but would sometimes send you messages, and when you would reply, she would close the door on any further communication. When you contacted her asking for legal help, she was very warm and welcoming, even suggested a phone call, but in that phone call, she was cold again. Then she suggested a video call with both your and her kids – she seems to like your kids, she sent them birthday presents, and is open to a possibility to meet with your children face to face once you move closer to where she lives – but she didn’t offer any help with moving.

It’s unclear to me why she was keeping in touch. Perhaps to check if you’re fine, since when she left you, you were “in a terrible place with your mental health”.  Perhaps she was worried about you, but nothing more than that? That’s the only reason I see why she may behave like she does. Plus, she seems like she likes your children, and the feeling is mutual, so she might not necessarily want to “slam the door” on that relationship, specially when she saw how much your children still like her?

Dear AP:

What if you send her a message, starting with your last line in the post you submitted to me: “Ultimately I just want inner peace and right now I do not feel that at all”, and ask her to help you to reach inner peace. Tell her that this inner peace that you need so much will help you be a better mother to your kids (since she seems to care for your kids, this statement may motivate her to answer you honestly and thoughtfully)-

– ask her all you need to ask her, keeping the stated goal in mind: inner peace, which means that you are willing to accept her truth, whatever it is. You just need to know what her truth is.

If you like this idea, and you need help to put together a message to email her, let me know, or otherwise let me know more of your thoughts.

anita

Dear AP:

“Surely if she was satisfied in her relationship she wouldn’t need me or my kids in her life“- no one is completely satisfied with most everything, especially with relationships. Who hasn’t grown up with a significant lack at home, as a child? Whatever was lacking there.. can’t be fully satisfied in the context of adulthood.. so as adults, we keep wanting something that isn’t there.

“Why am I engaging with her? Is it to control? Is it to win her back?“- I am guessing that you are engaging with her for the same-old-same-old reason we all engage with others, in the context of romantic relationships: to love and be loved in return (there’s a song with that title).

“2 years she was gone and it was like she died and I grieved… And then she came back and I rejoiced“- the hope of love makes us joyful.

“I am scared to push her away completely by starting to demand things from her like inner peace“- there is a big difference between asking and demanding. I suggest that you ask her, not demand of her (I can help you with the language of asking vs demanding).

“there is a part of me that (as much as this limbo hurts) feels like I got my soul mate back even if it is just a sniff.. does any of what I am saying make sense or am I just rambling lol xx“- it makes perfect sense to me, I can’t think of anything that makes more sense. Like I said before, we all want to love and be loved in return. The idea of love- when we don’t have it- feels magical, heavenly, doesn’t it?

anita

Dear AP,

at the end I was in a terrible place with my mental health and I pushed and pushed until she finally walked away.

How did you push her? If she feels angry at you, perhaps she secretly, or even unconsciously, expects you to apologize for your behavior? Do you feel there is something you’d need to apologize for?