Ex confusion

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This topic has 38 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 29, 2021 at 10:39 pm #383684

Tee
Participant

Dear AP,

Maybe I just need to slow down ND see where things evolve?

maybe. It seems you’re really terrified of admitting how you feel to her, because what if she rejects you and then closes that door forever. And that would be unbearable for you because you still love her and believe she’s your soul mate. If you feel this way, it’s better not to rush things, not to come forward with big confessions just yet. If you meet face to face, perhaps it will be clearer what she is feeling towards you…

July 29, 2021 at 10:46 pm #383685

AP
Participant

Hi

Sorry about my sloppy typing

What I tried to say was that maybe I should wait and see where things evolve and not rush in like a bull in a China shop.

I need to trust in the universe.. But the trouble is I end up being passive and doing nothing and then I get frustrated

Ii want to be able to find that inner peace AND trust the universe…

For 2 years I heard nothing and if u would have told me that I would be getting any sort of Communication let alone gifts for my kids I would have said you are crazy. Maybe having me message her that we are moving closer suddenly panicked her as now it needs to be more than words?

July 30, 2021 at 12:49 am #383689

AP
Participant

This is for sure a big part of it

July 30, 2021 at 5:53 am #383693

Anonymous
Guest

Dear AP:

I re-read your posts because I want to understand better. Here is what I understand at this point:

1) You are very much in love with your ex girlfriend, and you very much desire to resume a love relationship with her: “I still believe to this day she is my soul mate, but the timing was wrong… The issue is, I still love her. I have been unable to date (I tried) because I believe that we are meant to be… a part of me that (as much as this limbo hurts) feels like I got my soul mate back even if it is just a sniff”.

2) You are a single and available woman, but your ex-girlfriend is not available because she is in a new relationship: “Surely if she was satisfied in her relationship she wouldn’t need me or my kids in her life… getting too close could possibly jeopardize her new relationship”

3) Recently, you messaged her that you will be moving closer to where she lives (currently you are about 200 miles away from her). Her response: “good for you! hope it goes well xx”. She did not offer to help you move, she did not suggest that she was happy that you will be moving close to her. She did not suggest anything like good for us.

* In regard to her response above, you wrote: “Maybe having me message her that we are moving closer suddenly panicked her as now it needs to be more than words?”-

– In regard to the words she said to you, do you mean these words: “My ex said that if my daughter ever wants to message her she can and she will always be there for her... My son said to her that we may see her and that he loves and misses her and she said, “yes, we may see you and I love you and miss you too“.

Were there other words?

And did your daughter ever message her, were there any communications between your ex-girlfriend and your kids following the words I boldfaced right above (and gifts she sent for their birthdays)?

anita

July 30, 2021 at 1:48 pm #383710

AP
Participant

If my kids write she replys but never initiates. My kids always say they love and miss her and she replies that she loves and misses them.always answers straight away

July 30, 2021 at 2:10 pm #383711

Anonymous
Guest

Dear AP:

She has a soft spot for your children, that’s why she replies to them straight away when they message her. She never initiate a message to them because, seems to me, she doesn’t want to encourage their attachment to her because she has no plans to get back with you.

You are deeply in love with her, and have been for a long time. Love is a beautiful thing.. until the person you love does not love you back. It looks like this is the case: there is another woman in her life, and when you messaged her that you will be moving close to her (close to her and her new girlfriend), she answered: good for you. This message disturbed you greatly, and understandably so: she made it very clear in that message that you are on your own, that you are not part of her life.

Don’t let your love for her blind you, see the situation as it is, grieve and close your door on the hope and dreams of getting back together with her. How do you feel about what I wrote here (please tell me)?

anita

July 31, 2021 at 1:02 am #383807

AP
Participant

I completely agree with what you say and I had accepted that 6 months ago when I hadn’t heard from her in 2 years

But then my question remains

Why send gifts to the kids, suggest a chat with , all of these things just to remind me that she has a partner and no longer loves me and wants anything to do with our lives ??

I spent 2 years accepting the fact, telling the kids that we had to move on..

Now they have the message they can message her whenever and she is always going to be there for them.

It feels a wound that healed badly but was no longer bleeding has started bleeding again because someone picked at it until it bled.

Iif there was total certainty I feel she would have never engaged in the first place

I think she wants to be in that place but like myself, she knows the bond we have.. But she is better at putting her head in the sand

July 31, 2021 at 1:04 am #383808

AP
Participant

I completely agree with what you say and I had accepted that 6 months ago when I hadn’t heard from her in 2 years

But then my question remains

Why send gifts to the kids, suggest a chat with , all of these things just to remind me that she has a partner and no longer loves me and wants anything to do with our lives ??

I spent 2 years accepting the fact, telling the kids that we had to move on..

Now they have the message they can message her whenever and she is always going to be there for them.

It feels a wound that healed badly but was no longer bleeding has started bleeding again because someone picked at it until it bled.

Iif there was total certainty I feel she would have never engaged in the first place

I think she wants to be in that place but like myself, she knows the bond we have.. But she is better at putting her head in the sand

July 31, 2021 at 2:01 am #383812

Tee
Participant

Dear AP,

you said that when you first contacted her asking for her help in a legal matter, “she reached out with a very warm personal email expressing why she had kept away (how was were stuck in a drama triangle)”

What exactly did she tell you in that email? I believe it’s important because she might have said something that reveals her feelings and intentions towards you.

July 31, 2021 at 3:34 am #383815
AP
Participant
She just opened up about her kids, told me their struggles and their current paths. She told me why she had kept away – that we had been in a drama triangle (she went through therapy) she said that is why it ended and why she had kept away

It was warm in the sense that she didn’t just answer one answer, she talked to me. It was heartfelt
- This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by AP.
July 31, 2021 at 4:17 am #383819

Tee
Participant

Dear AP,

She told me why she had kept away – that we had been in a drama triangle (she went through therapy) she said that is why it ended and why she had kept away

Right… you mentioned a little bit about this drama triangle: that at first she promised she’d move closer to you, but then her ex, the mother of her kids, forbid her (I guess she has the right to veto moving to a different state?), and she backtracked on you. You felt very hurt and couldn’t accept it, and so you suggested you should date other people – basically pushing her away and initiating breakup.

She’s obviously been in therapy for that, and probably has worked through her anger and pain, and has forgiven you, I guess. That’s why her answer wasn’t cold and curt, but warm and heartfelt. She talked about her kids, which is sort of a neutral topic. Maybe she thought you were interested in knowing how her kids are. And also, she likes your children, so she suggested a video chat with all of you together.

In all this I don’t see that she’s shown interest in renewing the relationship with you. It rather seems to me that she doesn’t hold a grudge against you any more – she’s healed and moved on – and that’s why she agreed to help you in your legal matter. She didn’t want to be a b**** and refuse you, specially if she has the resources to help you, and she’s healed from her wounds, so she can deal with you without getting triggered.

Why send gifts to the kids, suggest a chat with , all of these things just to remind me that she has a partner and no longer loves me and wants anything to do with our lives ??

Because she likes your children and doesn’t mind staying in touch with them occasionally? Specially when they told her they love her and miss her, it’s only natural she told them she loves them and missed them too. And that she sent gifts. It’s a completely natural reaction – she is kind with your children and doesn’t want to hurt their feelings. But she also doesn’t initiate contact with them and only replies when they write to her.

This still fits the scenario where she doesn’t really want to renew the relationship with you, but nevertheless, is polite and helping you with your legal matter, and is kind to your children.

July 31, 2021 at 4:23 am #383820

AP
Participant

I suppose because I still love her it gave me hope and now I feel back to where I was 2 years ago

I worked hard on not having her… Its just hard. All hard

July 31, 2021 at 4:50 am #383821

Tee
Participant

Dear AP,

I hear you, it is hard when you love her, and she’s moved on…

Specially if you believe she’s your soul mate. You probably feel there’s no one else, and you’ll never be happy with anyone else. Is that the case?

What do you feel she can give you that you can’t give yourself? Because if you can’t let her go, there’s most probably a deeper need that you feel only she can meet…

July 31, 2021 at 5:56 am #383822

AP
Participant

I just felt at home when I was by her side. I had never felt that before and not really since. I am working on it…but that is what I miss. She was my best friend and my lover. That’s everyone dream.. Right?

July 31, 2021 at 8:21 am #383826
Tee
Participant
Dear AP,

I just felt at home when I was by her side… She was my best friend and my lover. That’s everyone dream.. Right?

Yes, we all want that deep connection where we feel understood and loved for who we are. But at the time of the breakup, you must have felt differently about her. Although you felt so good and at home with her, you still couldn’t accept the fact that she cannot move closer to you, and that it’s largely not her fault.

You most likely reacted from your wound… perhaps you felt like she was depriving you of something – perhaps of that sense of home, of safety and security by her side – and it made you feel hurt and betrayed? And perhaps it also made you feel hopeless that she can even fulfill that need, with her ex preventing her to move away? Is that what happened?
- This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Tee.
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