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  • #383573
    AP
    Participant

    I was dating a girl for nearly 4 years. During those 4 years we battled lots of ups and downs (it was my first gay relationship) but it was a relationship of love, respect and friendship

    we also lived 200 miles away from each other which was hard to maintain and at the end I was in a terrible place with my mental health and I pushed and pushed until she finally walked away. I still believe to this day she is my soul mate, but the timing was wrong

    She asked for no contact and I respected that. I hit rock bottom but never reached out. I went  to therapy and got my shit together. I later found out she was now dating someone and I let the pain hit me as I tried to move on.

    Every now and then I would get a message from her (mostly random ones and sometimes personal ones) but whenever I would reply she would promptly slam the door in my face again.

    After nearly 2 years of no real contact I was forced to reach out to her due to a court case that I needed her help for. I kept the email very bland expressing that I needed her help and that  if she prefers she can communicate via my solicitor.

    She reached out with a very warm personal email expressing why she had kept away (how was were stuck in a drama triangle) I replied and with time she suggested a phone call.

    The phone call lasted 2 hours but not much was said. It was very head and not a lot of heart and I was left confused by the purpose. She suggested doing a video call with my kids and hers and when we did that my daughter started to cry. She misses my ex terribly and I think she was scared to say goodbye to her again. My ex said that if my daughter ever wants to message her she can and she will always be there for her.

    She sent gifts on the kids birthdays and I to hers. But between myself and her it is unclear. We have spoken twice and I am moving to her area of the world and when I messaged her to tell her that i was moving she said “good for you! hope it goes well xx

    My son said to her that we may see her and that he loves and misses her and she said, “yes, we may see you and I love you and miss you too.

    I am just so angry and confused. Even if i was a non close friend you would offer more help with someone who is making a move? If you dont want a friendship why have you opened the door? What are we?

    I respected her and kept quiet and each time she would peep the door back open. Her with her new partner and me still not able to move on.

    I would do anythng to have her in my life but I am not sure I understand these breadcrumbs

    I am unable to ask her where I stand because I am not in a place to do that- mentaly it is hard for me to stand up for my needs ~(I am still in therapy for this)

    Any help would be great!

    #383594
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear AP,

    her behavior is confusing, therefore it’s no wonder you’re confused. She wanted no contact but would sometimes send you messages, and when you would reply, she would close the door on any further communication. When you contacted her asking for legal help, she was very warm and welcoming, even suggested a phone call, but in that phone call, she was cold again. Then she suggested a video call with both your and her kids – she seems to like your kids, she sent them birthday presents, and is open to a possibility to meet with your children face to face once you move closer to where she lives – but she didn’t offer any help with moving.

    It’s unclear to me why she was keeping in touch. Perhaps to check if you’re fine, since when she left you, you were “in a terrible place with your mental health”.  Perhaps she was worried about you, but nothing more than that? That’s the only reason I see why she may behave like she does. Plus, she seems like she likes your children, and the feeling is mutual, so she might not necessarily want to “slam the door” on that relationship, specially when she saw how much your children still like her?

     

    #383595
    anita
    Participant

    Dear AP:

    During the four years you dated her, there wee “lots of ups and downs”. There was “love, respect and friendship” in the relationship, at least during the Up parts. After the breakup, she “asked for no contact“. When later you got messages from her, you replied, and she “would promptly slam the door” in your face, again.

    Two years after the breakup, you reached out to her for the purpose of resolving a court case. She reacted “with a very warm personal email”, you suggested a phone call. The phone call lasted 2 hours but it was “very head and not a lot of heart” conversation. She suggested doing a video call with your kids and hers, etc. You plan to move to her area of the world, and when you messaged her and told her that you were moving, she said “good for you! hope it goes well xx”, not offering to help you with the move.

    “I am unable to ask her where I stand because I am not in a place to do that- mentally it is hard for me to stand up for my needs ~(I am still in therapy for this) Any help would be great!”-

    – It seems to me that for whatever reasons, she’s been angry with you for a long time, from before the breakup, and has remained angry at you since (I boldfaced above what may suggest her anger). Seems to me that she has a soft spot in her heart for your kids, but not for you. Seems to me that when she reacted warmly to your call 2 years after the breakup, she was not feeling anger at that time, but her anger resumed soon afterwards.

    Does this read true to you?

    anita

    #383603
    AP
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you for you reply.

    I don’t know if she is aware that she is angry but maybe she is.. I pushed at the end which ultimately broke us.

    The issue is, I stil love her. I have been unable to date (I tried) because I believe that we are meant to be. She has been dating for 1.5years now and appears to be happy.. And yet she is the one who pushes the door open at random points in the journey.

    I want authenticity… And right now neither of us appears to be able to offer it.

    I don’t know what to do going forward.. I believe inevitably we will meet (due to the kids wanting to see her and us moving closer) but I want to be honest.

    I don’t know if I should avoid contacting her again or what to do.

    Ultimately I just want inner peace and right now I do not feel that at all

    #383604
    AP
    Participant

    I don’t think she is worried about me.. She never knew how bad I got

    #383607
    anita
    Participant

    Dear AP:

    What if you send her a message, starting with your last line in the post you submitted to me: “Ultimately I just want inner peace and right now I do not feel that at all”, and ask her to help you to reach inner peace. Tell her that this inner peace that you need so much will help you be a better mother to your kids (since she seems to care for your kids, this statement may motivate her to answer you honestly and thoughtfully)-

    – ask her all you need to ask her, keeping the stated goal in mind: inner peace, which means that you are willing to accept her truth, whatever it is. You just need to know what her truth is.

    If you like this idea, and you need help to put together a message to email her, let me know, or otherwise let me know more of your thoughts.

    anita

    #383610
    AP
    Participant

    It sounds good.. But I think I am trying to work out the why…

    Why am I engaging with her? Is it to control? Is it to win her back? And why is she doing it? Surely if she was satisfied in her relationship she wouldn’t need me or my kids in her life.

    I am so confused by it all.. 2 years she was gone and it was like she died and I grieved… And then she came back and I rejoiced… But for what reason to come back if she has no interest or intention in actually making a connection.

    I am scared to push her away completely by starting to demand things from her like inner peace..and there is a part of me that (as much as this limbo hurts) feels like I got my soul mate back even if it is just a sniff.. does any of what I am saying make sense or am I just rambling lol xx

    #383611
    anita
    Participant

    Dear AP:

    Surely if she was satisfied in her relationship she wouldn’t need me or my kids in her life“- no one is completely satisfied with most everything, especially with relationships. Who hasn’t grown up with a significant lack at home, as a child? Whatever was lacking there.. can’t be fully satisfied in the context of adulthood.. so as adults, we keep wanting something that isn’t there.

    Why am I engaging with her? Is it to control? Is it to win her back?“- I am guessing that you are engaging with her for the same-old-same-old reason we all engage with others, in the context of romantic relationships: to love and be loved in return (there’s a song with that title).

    2 years she was gone and it was like she died and I grieved… And then she came back and I rejoiced“- the hope of love makes us joyful.

    I am scared to push her away completely by starting to demand things from her like inner peace“- there is a big difference between asking and demanding. I suggest that you ask her, not demand of her (I can help you with the language of asking vs demanding).

    there is a part of me that (as much as this limbo hurts) feels like I got my soul mate back even if it is just a sniff.. does any of what I am saying make sense or am I just rambling lol xx“- it makes perfect sense to me, I can’t think of anything that makes more sense. Like I said before, we all want to love and be loved in return. The idea of love- when we don’t have it- feels magical, heavenly, doesn’t it?

    anita

    #383621
    AP
    Participant

    Absolutely heavenly…

    And I think that although there is confusion her behaviour is quite clear.. She doesn’t want me. I just wish I understood why she keeps reopening the door.. Because that flicker of hope for me and the kids each time tto have it taken away is a kick in the gut each time again and again.

    how do you let go of something that you don’t want to let go of? How do you move on from someone you stil love. I feel that by asking her how she feels makes me vunrable and wil pull me even lower because isn’t it clear how she feels…? Or, mYbe what is clear is that she doesn’t know how she feels and that is why she keeps popping in and out and if I straight out ask her what is going on she will run away for good

    Sorry for the rambling.. I guess it helps to ping pong it out and thank you for all your wonderful responses x

     

    #383628
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear AP,

    at the end I was in a terrible place with my mental health and I pushed and pushed until she finally walked away.

    How did you push her? If she feels angry at you, perhaps she secretly, or even unconsciously, expects you to apologize for your behavior? Do you feel there is something you’d need to apologize for?

    #383630
    AP
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>When we spoke I appolpgised for the person I became (I basically suggested that we see other people) because she hurt me (she had told me that she was going to move nearer to be with me and then her ex-the mother of her kids said she couldn’t so she back tracked on me) I felt rejected and hurt so I behaved badly.</p>
    I didn’t feel anger from her.. But I do think she is aware that I still have feelings and her getting too close could possibly jepodize her new relationship.. Which is why again… Why did she bother in the first place

    #383631
    AP
    Participant

    Maybe I would like help to write a letter saying “what are we to you?

    Because now I don’t even feel like a friend and I just can’t get rid of the anger

     

    #383639
    anita
    Participant

    Dear AP:

    I think that although there is confusion, her behaviour is quite clear.. She doesn’t want me. I just wish I understood why she keeps reopening the door.. Because that flicker of hope for me and the kids each time, to have it taken away is a kick in the gut each time again and again“-

    – Notice: first you suggested that you clearly understand that she doesn’t want you, but the next thing you wrote is that you hope that she does want you. So, sometimes you believe that she doesn’t want you, at other times you believe that maybe she does want you.

    How do you let go of something that you don’t want to let go of? How do you move on from someone you still love“- find out whether she wants you, or not. If not, and you are clear about it, then there is a good chance that you will be able to let go and move on from her.

    I feel that by asking her how she feels makes me vulnerable and will pull me even lower because isn’t it clear how she feels…?“- it is not clear to you how she feels, that’s why you need to find out, or at least do all you can to find out. Will it make you vulnerable? Yes, but you already are.

    I wonder what you mean by you being pulled even lower, in the above quote?

    anita

    #383666
    AP
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Sad, rejected</p>
    Like I lost my soul mate for good

    I don’t want to go in like a bull in a China shop

    If u had told me 8 months ago that I would have received birthday gifts for the kids I would have told you that u were insane.

    Maybe I just need to slow down ND see where things evolve?

     

    #383672
    anita
    Participant

    Dear AP:

    I am sorry that you feel so sad and rejected. I didn’t understand most of your recent post, including the last line (what does ND stand for, I wonder). If you want to take your time and elaborate on it clearly, please do.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 38 total)

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