Hi Murtaza,

you were hurt and suffering as a child. Here you described it:

i got a mother who knows nothing about life, a father who lived in his room the whole time i was alive, a brother that used to bully me, my childhood friend almost molested me, a teenage years where i did some horrible things, things i don’t even like to think about, i spent my whole childhood and teenage with shame, i don’t even wanna say for what, because its too unpleasant and no one wants to hear it, i failed at school and i blamed myself so hard, no one cared, my mother blamed me, shamed me, a god that tells you to be greatful for your awful parents, to be greatful for being alive, thankful, i had so much shame when i sinned, so much that i hated myself so much,

Here is you trauma and your wound (described in simplified terms, but nevertheless): lack of love, compassion and understanding for you, inflicted upon you by your parents, your older siblings, your relatives (you mentioned your uncle), your friends, and the entire society. You were blamed, shamed, bullied and mistreated by people who were supposed to love you, and their mistreatment was condoned and encouraged by the society, because in your society, you need to respect the elders no matter what they do to you. And you need to become what they expect you to become, otherwise you are seen as weak and a loser.

That’s a severe trauma and very hard conditions to live in for a young child and a teen. No wonder you broke down and developed extreme shame and anxiety. No wonder you felt trapped and helpless, because there was no one to turn for help, or the help you were getting was inadequate.

You couldn’t bear the shame, you couldn’t live with it any more, it was killing you. And you also couldn’t bear the loneliness, the lack of love, affection and bonding – all natural human needs that weren’t met in your childhood. That too was killing you. So you found a way to help yourself:

i did something for myself, developed my own philosophy, developed my own way of living, everyone tells me its wrong, everyone tells me its bad, and i should do this and that, fuck them all, i live my way, or not live at all, i don’t care what you or teak or anyone think, you think im victim, sure, go ahead, it doesn’t change anything.

So you found a philosophy that helped you not to feel the intense shame and guilt, that helped you love and accept yourself as worthy, rather than worthless. In this philosophy, you’re not blaming yourself, unlike everyone else blamed you, but you are blaming your genes and the environment. And with this, you are actually loving yourself in a way, because at least you are not blaming yourself. You did find a way to protect your sanity.

And so, I want to acknowledge here that what you did – inventing a philosophy and a worldview which enables you not to feel intense shame and guilt in an extremely shaming and judgmental environment – is something you did out of love for yourself. So yes, this was love, because it protected your sanity and protected you from the judgments of the cruel external world in which you were living.

However, the problem is that your philosophy only dealt with your shame and guilt. You don’t feel shame and guilt any more. But it didn’t help you with your second biggest problem, which is having a loving relationship. It is counter-productive for developing a deeper bond with people, and it shows on this forum as well.

So you would need to understand that what protected you from shame and guilt won’t get you the love you crave (you are trying to reduce your craving and numb yourself, but the desire for connection is still there, and it’s a natural desire, so don’t suppress it).

Your “cure” has its limitations and its very bad side-effects. I and everybody here are suggesting a different cure. A proper cure for your problems, that will eventually help you have satisfying relationships as well. Because with your current approach, you won’t be able to have them.