I honestly didn’t understand your point, i feel your answer gonna be “because you don’t want to”

I don’t know maybe. Your responses never change and you appear to deliberately misunderstand those who respond to you.  For example someone uses the word ‘self’ and you demand a definition and miss the point. It comes off as being initially obtuse.  Language is limited especially when expressing personal experience. Words like ‘I’ and ‘Self’, illusion or not, arise naturally in the attempt to communicate. Try talking about a experience you had without the word ‘I’

That’s one of the difficulties communicating with you. You demand a term be defined, often suggesting that you are making a philosophical point but then reject any philosophical response as valid. As someone, the past, trying to tell you what to think… Its very confusing

You post on a site called Tiny Buddha and reject anything related to the tradition even as you express concerns  as it come to suffering and such that the tradition has been attempting to answer for thousand of years.

You pick apart every comment of those responding to you without it seems doing the same for your own where you often contradict yourself from sentence to sentence? I think this picking apart allows you to dismiss or not even see the point someone was trying to make.

So im not a victim???

And there we find your stuckness which you have turned into a life philosophy – you are a victim of your circumstance while no one else is  – the blessed normal’s.  Hate to break it to you but everyone one is a victim of their circumstances no one chooses.  The task is to live the life your given.  That you refuse the task because ‘poor you’, if only…  Its not a unique answer to the task.  I would even say it’s a valid response, if unskillful, but only if you own it. You can refuse the task without being a sad sack.

So yes my answer is that I don’t believe you when you say you want different when your so intrenched in your victimhood and concept of normal. Life devours Life for Life, boohoo. I don’t believe you are looking for a way out. I think you want to pull others down into your life philosophy.