Hi Murtaza,

I don’t blame my old self for being hurt, i was a kid, i couldn’t defend myself, i only blame my current self, the aware one, and i don’t do it to just blame, i do it to learn and change, i believe no one could hurt you unless you allow him, if a person hurts you, check yourself first, in the end people are external and outside of your control, you will have to adopt to them, or see different people, something not available to me.

In fact, we can be hurt, but we can heal from it. If someone stabs you, you are hurt but hopefully you can heal. If someone betrays you, i.e. hurts you emotionally, you can still be hurt, but with self-awareness, you can heal. You can also take measures, e.g. stop contact with that person, so that you wouldn’t be hurt again. Or you can speak to the person and clarify, because sometimes we get hurt and offended when in fact we shouldn’t be, because the person didn’t mean anything bad.

Anyway, what I am saying is that we can be hurt, and it’s not a sign of weakness, but we can also heal. If you close yourself in advance from love and relationships – anticipating that you will be hurt – that’s what’s not healthy. It’s like not getting out in the street at all, because you might be stabbed. Better approach is to go out, be open to experiences (with certain precautions in place), and only deal with your wounds if you are stabbed.

lately there was some harsh lessons i learned, really harsh, one that love is an exchange, you have to meet certain requirements for that exchange (mostly)

Yes, love is an exchange, and it doesn’t mean it’s a filthy or immoral exchange. It’s true that some people ask from us to suppress ourselves – which is toxic (specially if those people are our parents). But some people appreciate us for who we are, so a relationship with them is possible. But yes, love is giving ad taking, it’s an exchange.

No, i feel empathy for him, i feel sorry for him, that he lived this horrible life, and i want to make it easy for him, this is why i choosed a life with little problems and little pain, because i know he is already in pain

You haven’t treated/healed his wound, you’re simply protecting him from further pain, i.e. from the wound getting deeper. But the original wound is still there, affecting your life. When I was talking about healing, I meant healing the original wound.

Yes its true, but what can i do about it? My own flesh and blood is shit, so what? I don’t let that decide my destiny or predetermine my life, i don’t blame them for it, because i know they were programmed to do so, i understand where they are coming from, i understand why they did what they did, and i see no fault of theirs.

Though i acknowledge they did something bad (acknowledge, not blame).

It’s a good approach not to blame them, because blaming keeps us stuck. However, they still inflicted a wound upon you. It is their fault, even though you rationally understand the reasons why they did it. Still, the only way to really process this kind of betrayal and wounding, and to be healed, is to include emotions as well. To express anger at them (justified anger) in a safe, therapeutic setting. Even online therapy can provide that possibility. I know you’re not interested in healing, but I am just saying what would need to be done – if you were interested.

The reason why im angry at everyone else, because of my experiences, i still mad at my parents, i didn’t superss it, its just a logical anger, not feeling oriented one.

I see. You don’t feel the emotion of anger because you rationalized it by finding excuses for them. It’s like you froze that emotion..  but it seeps out, and it comes out in your interactions with other people. And also, you are angry at the entire world, you even despise the world, saying things like: “lack of goodness in the world, lack of order, lack of beauty, everything is so boring and dull, everything is so exhausting and not worth my time or effort”.

The anger, bitterness and frustration, that you rightfully feel towards those who hurt you, is projected at the entire world and practically all people.

The way about it would be to feel and express your justified anger at those who hurt you, in a safe therapeutic setting, so it could be transformed and healed. You then wouldn’t feel angry at the entire world… you would see things through a different lens.

The reason why im angry at society, because they told me god exist, they told me workout helps (online)

Workout usually does help. But it didn’t help you? What did you expect to gain from workout, and how were you disappointed?