Dear Elizabeth:

In your recent post yesterday, Nov 7, 2021, you wrote about your anger at Christopher: “It feels like it’s alive and literally burrowing a hole in my soul. It is draining and just takes over my whole mind. It’s funny that for the longest time I have imagined horrible things happening to Christopher. I have wanted to hurt him back even worse“- having read what you shared about Christopher, it reads to me that your anger is not much about him as an individual, but about someone in your early life that Christopher represents.

“he is disappointing on so many levels… I am even more disappointed in him as a human being.. Human beings are so disappointing“- I think that Christopher represents a human being in your early life who terribly disappointed you, and all your anger at that person has transferred to Christopher.

“He says he is sorry… he says to me sorry several times. he says he is sorry for the horrible things he did to me“- but what horrible things did he do to you.. you never really shared those horrible things. You generally suggested that he took advantage of you by having you drive him to work before your car broke down, using you otherwise (not specified) to advance his position at work. And you shared that he was relieved when you miscarried after a pregnancy that he did not plan or want, which is quite understandable, to be relieved.. not evil.

“I ask him if his intention was to completely break me“-  but.. again, what is it that he did  to break you, and to.. completely break you?

Back in Oct 19, in your thread Reclaiming myself, you wrote: “It’s been over 6 months now since me and Christopher and I broke up… Mostly I have been angry.. feeling angry and highly resentful, to feeling rejected and unwanted. Through all this, I kept asking myself why do these things keep happening to me?  I kept feeling like there is something that I do that keeps attracting this type of person in my life“-

– I think that Christopher is not as bad a person as you imagine or present him to be, maybe he is not bad at all. I think that for you, he represents this type of person in your early life, meaning, a parent/ adult care-taker who was supposed to take good care of you, but terribly rejected you,  and terribly disappointed you. I think that you are still terribly angry at that person, and projecting that anger to Christopher.

anita