Hi Anita,

Thanks for asking..you probably wish you hadnt.

Im having a hard time . Feeling guilt is always part of the whole mess. Now i feel totally awful all the time.

My parents (mainly my dad) reached out to me recently a few times, to drop off some mail, to leave something of mine (as said previously). Mom came along to that visit with a sheepish look on her face but said nothing about her behaviour. Just same as always. Im always stressed by work and am in no mood to have a fight, so drama continues.

In the meantime i re-read several times what we had said in our texts that caused all this….and stupidly, because my phone was full…i deleted the conversation since….(subconsciously that could be my way of wiping the memory out, of trying to forgive them as i did similar things with my ex´s messages). Now i cant point it out to them!! so i have no proof of how she wrote to me. But actually…that doesnt matter because my father and sister wont support me or stand up for me…so yeah,

My dad came around again to check on me the other day as they fully expected me to come for christmas and my mom sent a text message asking if i wanted to come over and do some baking which i didnt respond to….im really struggling with these feelings that i just dont want to feel.being the scapegoat and this denial on their part that anything bad happened.

My dad has been “in between” but blandly and blankly staring at me as though i should make amends and as though he honestly doesnt know why im acting up..He said ” did you see the text your mom sent you yesterday?” and all i could think was, why was he here managing things for her? pretending that nothing happened. How about Sorry? I honestly think my dad is brainwashed. It was sadly pitiful the way he said its up to me if i want to come over to see them and that i needed “more time”.

If you understand…these feelings, behaviours and reactions, dont come out of nowhere but have built up over years and years of low level bullying and abuse. I cant get through to him and he refuses to stand up for me. He said they “wished me well” and loved me and that they were there for me if i needed but it was devoid of any emotion whatsoever.. like a handkerchief waving you off. It seemed to me, if i had a gun wound, there was my dad, standing over me saying it was a shame. If i need their help meaning money, there will be a bigger price to pay. That i felt nothing as he said these things to me is perhaps even more shocking as i realised….this has been going on and on for so long. No one cares in fact. Just be good and come for dinner.

I really believe that my mom´s understanding is that i should take her nasty messages and just keep going. Irrespective of my difficulties in my work and personal life while she can turn and cry dramatically to her husband that everyone is being so unfair to her. Is it really ok for someone to say to me in capital letters, that im a horrible person but that they still love me?

Following my last visit from my dad over the weekend i felt terrible..but didnt cry, i just felt sick.  I spoke to a friend and she listened but i know, its not something nice or easy to hear. To be honest, culturally i dont think she understood how they could be so cold like that. But there it is, my reality.

Then the next day i saw my mom had sent an email. The title read “olive branch” and stupidly i felt a little hopeful that it might be salvageable…but reading the first few lines, “your father came home very upset”..(your fault) then skimming further down…i had to stop reading.

She let out her frustration again: throwing everything at me- im mean to my sister, not supportive of my mom or my father, i was mean about my old school friend (the start of this whole argument- she doesnt care but likes the dramatic news of someone else´s daughter having problems…and i hate gossip) etc etc etc. But that she loved me and hoped to see me at christmas!!! the text is peppered with CAPITAL letters to emphasize her anger. But more stinging is the total disregard to what i have said….”dont send me messages like that”.

…………

Im feeling very weak and sick, its hard to wake up and feel so alone. As everything gears up to christmas its the time of year people get flaky, you are the 2nd or 3rd choice if they are not busy, most people around me have children and extended families…i have no 1st choice of my own but im also very introverted and fear the pity and rejection (happens anyway!). And so my mood has been really rollercoasting..one minute i think i can manage this….other times im feeling desperately alone. I know im a strong person but i once again just cant understand why this happens. Why am i dumped on? whether i stand up for myself or not…its actually the same! After months of my sister calling my mom every day it seemed whenever i was there. i asked my dad if they were in touch and he said only once every few weeks! it seems even more proof that jealousy was being stoked by my mom and competition between family. I cant understand why she wouldnt want to foster a loving relationship between sisters? between her and us? its sick and i feel, wrong.

I hate writing this, ive been literally feeling physically sickened by my life.

I have a dog that i took on about 2 years now..initially i had seriously wanted to get a dog for years already..then this dog was available and i decided to try. She is very very hard to settle, hard to manage and keep calm. Under the circumstances, it has been the worst match for my own anxiety and stress because she is reactive. And of course i love her and dont want to give up, shes all i have really…but almost ever since i got her, ive thought maybe i should let her go as it has been SO difficult. I dont have a yard but thats not really even it…she needs specialist attention, someone with a large family, plenty of exercise in big fields. I thought hopefully that it could lead to meeting more people but on the contrary…people look warily at me and most of the time their dog either attacks or barks at mine! what are the odds that this would happen right but once again it seems im directed back to being alone. A neighbours dog even hates mine so much that if i jangle my keys it barks. My dog´s barking has become a real issue..but i cant keep her calm. I just feel like giving up.