I definitely do not anticipate connection anymore. In fact i actively anticipate that i wont feel connected at all regardless of the situation, which i’m sure doesn’t help either. Any time i do anything social with my roommate now i’ve noticed i remind myself going into the interaction “don’t forget no one actually cares about you or is going to care about you, don’t expect anyone to give you attention, you are here because they are being nice, so be grateful they are even willing to be around someone as sad and boring as you” The worst part is these thoughts are not outside of my awareness, i am very much awake, aware, and consciously feeding them, which i see as a huge red flag for how hopeless i feel about my life and future right now.

I keep coming back here, and specifically talking with you Anita to feel some kind of empathetic connection with a human being, even if it largely one-sided and we won’t ever meet in person. It is still helpful to write here soley for the encouragement to keep trying. I have worked hard to create connections in my in person life to varying degrees of success.

I will keep trying, however i need to be courageous enough to risk my safety in the false-self image i have created and be vulnerable. I have these ridiculous expectations that I should’nt need other people ever, that i have to have a partner my friends and family would approve of, and that i have to be extremely successful and recognized as a leader in my career. It’s so silly and exhausting.