Hi shattered pieces

I don’t find it offensive at all that you said I was stuck, it is absolutely true. And a couple years ago, I had arrived at the conclusion that no one could give me enough love for me to feel enough, but it was more out of bitterness. Bitterness I still feel to this day. Times when I felt I was a better friend for someone or a better choice and yet wasn’t picked. Your post brought that back, but I am not the same person. If a person rejects me or doesn’t like me in the context of a relationship, I can take that for what it is and move on. I am not the girl that has crushes anymore. I don’t idealize men. In fact, I have gone in the opposite direction.

The reason I have oscillated back to wanting intimacy or love from another person is I pretty much did not have anything I was excited or happy about in my life. I was stressed out and feeling low. So I suppose I was looking for what could possibly fill the void and I landed on a relationship as the answer. It could have been something else like a materialistic goal, but I believe because I always felt rejected by men, that wound was sore and I landed on that. Then this brought back all the bad things guys told me I was or things I thought I was being rejected for. At the same time, I am truly convinced that the likely of a true intimate relationship is very low. Marriage is still a transaction. So I could not decide which way to go and was indeed stuck.

Regarding your experience. I read this expression and I love it, “the trash took its self out”. I am happy for you. I would have said I’m sorry only if you were hurt, but you are not and that is wonderful.

As for the things at work, my manager made me cry a number of times too. And what had helped was the movie “Captain Marvel”. There is a dialogue where she says “I have nothing to prove to you”, to her senior who keeps controlling her. I was already at my limit of tolerating my manager’s constant insults and putting my skills down and this movie gave me a chance to rise above. I realized through the movie that I didn’t have to let my manager define my skill. Because he could never put those words on paper. My appraisal was always good, all he was doing was unofficially lashing out at me. And I did not need to care about what he thought about me, I don’t need to prove my ability to him.

Thank you for your post. A lot of old lessons have come back to me.

I will take your advice as well, I am actively working on my well being. And I think I have been able to tap back in to myself for those lessons, because I have been less anxious lately. So I was able to take more time and come up with more empathetic answers for myself.

Girija