Helen,

Wow, you are such a mess! Just kidding, what you’re going through is normal, reasonable and can be healed. One thing that is helpful to know is that we don’t become broken, we have a backpack full of old junk that we have to sort and settle. Under the backpack, there is a very wise girl with a beautiful heart trying to find peace and love, just like everyone else. The baggage is just that, things we have to let go of… ways of working with ourselves and our experience that are more skillful. Its like playing an instrument, where we become more skillful with practice. No problem! At least you know you’re playing, which is a great thing! But where to start? A few things came to heart as I read your words.

It seems to me that you feel insecure and don’t know what to do with it. So it builds up and you blert it out internally (paranoia) and externally (do anything stupid?). Consider that if you stop and notice the feeling as just a feeling, perhaps it will settle on its own. For instance, you could self-nurture, such as meditation or an nature walk. Afterward, its worth a laugh. “I was feeling like the weight of the world was on me, how silly.”

In relationships, sometimes it is difficult to settle alone, because the insecurity isn’t with one or the other, its with the perception of the “we”. In these cases, we can talk to our partner and ask them for their side.

For example, as he goes home and meets up with old friends, you feel insecure that his dedication to his side of the relationship is strong enough to prevent him from desiring other women or exes. This isn’t needy or paranoid, its just a feeling of insecurity. Most women in new relationships feel that… “are we rooted enough for him to withstand temptation?” Or “am I enough to satisfy him?”.

If you look at your thoughts and can see they are unneeded, that his heartfelt connection to you is strong, then they settle on their own. If not, you could talk to him about your feelings. Intimacy is about one heart meeting another, and as you bring your heart to him, you will be doing a good thing for the intimacy’s growth. That being said, it is important to stay on your side of it. Instead of “what did you do?” which is skirting around your heart, perhaps you could say “while you were gone I missed you, and felt fear that I would fade from your heart. Then I started having all sorts of imaginings about who you might flirt with or get naked with. It was painful, and I missed your arms.” Or, whatever the truth of your side was. “I think” “I see” “I feel” “I thought” “I felt” etc etc.

This is very much us putting our heart on our sleeve, being courageous to say “my love, I am suffering, please help.” It doesn’t put the burden on him, such as asking him to account for his every action. Instead, it opens up the space between you, giving him the opportunity to step into that space and join you in the reality of what the relationship has brought to the two of you. Consider that when we open our hearts with honesty and courage, intimacy is the natural result. Even if he gives a knee jerk reaction or says something painful, you’ll be in a position to keep your heart open. “When you responded saying ‘stop being clingy’, I feel…”. Most likely though, if he is also courageous and full of heart, he will step into the void and together you two can dispel your insecurities.

Romantic intimacy can be tricky, because it is a balance of holding close and letting go. Honoring the heart and feelings and speaking our mind, while not badgering or controlling. Its worth it, though. When we find the golden path of balance, anything is possible.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Helen,

Thought I’d add in my own thoughts:
1. 3 months is a very short time to know someone, I’d never expect myself to trust someone completely at that point! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and while I do trust him a lot, it’s not 100% (more like 90%) and I don’t think it ever will be. The only person I can 100% trust is me
2. Like you, I’m an overthinker and it’s my fatal flaw when it comes to relationships. And one of the things I know about myself is that while I am a normally calm and confident woman, being in a romantic relationship brings out some of the worst in me (neuroticism, paranoia, clinginess, sacrificing my own needs, etc.) My boyfriend told me many times in the beginning of our relationship: “trust me, and don’t focus on negative outcomes”, so I’ve trained myself to forcefully turn my brain away from unfounded worries.
3. I don’t mean to pry, but by any chance are you taking any hormonal birth control/the pill? I’ve found that there are certain brands that made me extremely emotional and depressive and nearly ruined my relationship because I became so wildly unreasonable. Then I switched to a different brand and it was taking a dose of Instant Sanity (TM). 😉 Just something to watch out for in the future if it ever comes up!