To Anita and Tee,

Life is full of surprises and so, when I had felt I had completely moved on, and wasn’t expecting anything short of the healthy state of affairs I was expecting from life.

When “DanDan” Pursued me again despite my warnings that I would not meet him, he came down to my city only to meet me. So I met him and strictly told him we were not to be. I kept telling him in every way possible that we should not be together but all that crying and telling me that I am the love of his life moved me somewhere.

To be honest- I was unable to move on as well. The reason being… Somewhere I always felt that I did not give this relationship a proper chance. It was never in person, always in long distance. So a month of denying passed into a month of giving things a thought to another month of living together. 3 months passed. To be honest, when we stayed together apart from his drinking spree with his friends.. He kept his drinking in control. He was funny and although he did not help with household chores at first, he started helping out. Gave me massages when I had back ache from work… I have a back pain issue which the mattress is aggravating as well.

Saw him have terrible nightmares.. He jumps in his sleep a lot, has total loss of reality for few seconds if he wakes up from a scary dream and then he feels fine. We had fun times, inner jokes, things we did together. And I felt that it was a good decision to have spent time together.

But his office in the other city… They resumed work from office and so when it was time for me to switch, I decided to move to his city so that we can spend time together and even finalise a home so that as soon as marriage proceedings at home are done we can move in together.

Then he left my place.. We spent a month apart again… I had asked him if I can visit but he stated he was preparing for interviews himself for his dream FAANG companies. Then he was supposed to take this trip with family to the other country and here is where things completely came to a standstill.

I am so used to his behaviour now that I don’t feel hurt. I had given this relationship once chance because everyone deserves one chance. But it was blown into the air like smoke.

I have no expectations from anyone. Now I know what I need to do. I want a family and a extremely loving partner… Someone who would crave for me to hug him after a day of hard work, someone who would want to kiss me subtly good night… At least for initial 10-15 years because with kids and responsibilities I understand that the small gestures become less frequent. But I want him to be grateful that I am a part of his life. Why? Because I know what sort of a woman I am and what I bring to a relationship. And love and care should be responded with love and care.

That is it.

(P.S.-I discovered his thread yesterday, I had never been wanted to go through his journey of self discovery so I never tried finding it earlier. But now I feel what did he exactly do in the past year so I searched. Little snooping and I found his thread which started as a bed of regrets, and his issues which I am well aware of. I have said the same to him a thousand times- about leaving no place for regrets by doing things when we are supposed to… He is an alcoholic, he is unable to identify and accept it. He says he accepts it so that people get off his back but willingly chooses to drink just to pass time. He is addicted to smoking too… Smokes a pack to 2 packs a day when stressed. But again doesn’t accept it. Says I can quit anyday that I decide to quit.

I have met his mother, his mother is a wonderful human being. She is a bit underconfident in things because of a complex. And maybe the care and love she required from an active partner was missing. Otherwise she has been more than attentive to her kids. All of them. The fighting between mother and sisters as he puts it… It happens in every indian family if there are daughters. Reason: women have different perspectives to how they want their life, their house to be and the way they want to do things. If they live long enough within the same household they will have difference of opinions which often happens. Put together women in their 30s,40s and 60s in a dorm, there will be chaos. Because these women have a way of life they want and do not want to comply to others. It’s completely normal.

About moving abroad, it is a senseless passion to me. Leave your country for a chance to be in another where your identity will be a second grade citizen… As you are not born there.

Yes go to work, go to explore and then come back. The stupid idea of movies and videos… These are specially curated for people to want to live there. Small trips to places can make you want to live there but in long term scenario everywhere will be the same if your mind has not found peace and “home” In itself.

The body and dancing…

He feels he is an excellent dancer because people told him so… I have been a dance enthusiast all my life and I feel that if one needs alcohol to dance, they are not a dancer. If music does not make you sway, does not give you ideas not matter what sound it is… If you can feel and identify the rhythm, you are a dancer. However if you remain glued to your seat unless there is alcohol in your system. I doubt whether it is dancing which makes you feel good or just the attention you got from the entire city and your parents when you danced well or acted well once.

The body building… Being obssessed about 6 pack abs… It’s better to be consistent, be in shape and be healthy than to go on fitness journey for one particular kind of body type which cannot be sustained long term. Even actors cannot keep it up for more than the duration of the movie shoot.

One should be in reality, identify what actually makes them happy. If it is dancing then shed your fears and do it in front of people. If you cannot, cross it off your list of things you need to do before you start loving yourself.

There should be no list to be checked off in order to love yourself.

When I make my body, I will be okay. No you will not.

Stand in front of the mirror, do you like your face- the dark circles, the pores, the nose, the lips… Look at everything and realise it’s me. I am okay. I like myself. Keep repeating it. Fake it till you make it. And you will be few steps ahead in your journey of life.

DanDan,

Drinking and smoking are the villain of your life. Identify them- your immense attraction for random people, your need for thrill, your issues with your own self will slowly show up in your life. Right now you can only see them when sober and forget their presence when drunk. Understand it this way, unless you meet a client, you cannot explain your product or sell. You need to meet your insecurities and fears first in order to resolve them.

I know somewhere you hesitate meeting therapists and counselors.

But before you go to that step, journal your thoughts. See how mixed everything is. Identify the things you need to fix and fix them otherwise you will never be happy.

Anita and Tee…

Reach out to me whenever you want…

I know it won’t seem that I am capable to handling people given my decisions in this relationship. But same as he said, I had never experienced something like this ever before with anyone. And it was hard to accept it’s end. But I have. And am very clear as to why it ended this time.

I am available as a friend to both of you guys just as you have been to me. Patient and caring. Please share if you want to.

Love, IK09