Dear Anita,

I’m so happy and surprised to see your post! It’s good to hear from you! I’ve been sometimes wondering how have you been and how these last years changed your life. I regret not reaching out. Every now and then I would think of this forum and this thread. I even checked it every now and then, but not this year. At times I would picture this moment when I write a continuation of this long story I’ve written here, where I tell you I’ve ” made ” it, or I finally got it / I found it /solved it  – or something like that.

Well,  a lot has happened. And yes, I’ve made it. I’ve made it big time actually. I’m still on the road, still working on myself but this time both my mind and body stronger.

Before the pandemic started I was working already for a few months in this language school as a teacher, in Spain. At some point I was quite busy but It has been a struggle to motivate myself to go to work every day and not feel like an impostor in front of my students. Suddenly we all stopped working and we went into a full lockdown. It felt strange, but it also felt like this is the moment of a big change. Not sure if I felt it on a personal or collective level. ( both I think ) It also felt good because suddenly I had no responsibilities, it was out of my hands. I felt confort. Now I can just do nothing and not feel guilty for it. And that’s exactly what I did. My flatmates left and I’ve been there, in a big flat for a couple of months by myself.

At first of course I felt like I was going crazy. I wasn’t going out anymore, I wasn’t getting drunk, I wasn’t trying to impress anyone with anything, I wasn’t really escaping anymore. I was just there by myself, learning to enjoy my own company. Right before the pandemic I’ve already started working out, I was slightly overweight and I wanted to look and feel better. So now since I’ve got an empty flat, time and a nice terrace on the rooftop, I took full advantage. I quickly adjusted and I’ve never felt better in my entire life. I would wake up in the morning, make myself a nice healthy breakfast, go up on the rooftop and train, get some sun, read, later on eat, maybe watch a film. I felt great, I felt like I’m finally moving. My life was finally changing.

Months passed, I kept training, reading and getting to know myself better without filters. I found my confidence slowly, I noticed I have a voice that has something to say and can be trusted. I’ve learned to trust myself, to trust what I feel. I slowly learned to listen to my gut feeling. I’ve learned to be compassionate to myself. I came much closer to myself. After the lockdown Spain had a very slow and progressive lifting of restrictions so I’ve come back to my ”old ” life in a very progressive manner. It was perfect. In many ways I was slowly merging the old lifestyle with the new me. Might sound naive but I really felt new. I looked different, and I felt different. I was the world through a different lens, and every time I would feel insecure or low, I would have much better judgement and I would calmly and compassionately bring myself back to who I now knew I was. I felt and knew that I was finally on the right track, I was growing, learning, I had appetite for things and for the first time I didn’t feel less than everyone else. I felt good being myself and I’ve learn to say no when I mean no and vice-versa. I’ve learned to have my own opinion and stick to what I feel that’s right rather than what people might wanna hear me saying.

Time passed and I kept getting better at things, I started training on the beach, getting much better social life. Of course the ladies liked me more all ripped and confident. I started also going out with girls more, but not much worked out. Funny enough it always seemed like we were in bad sync… they often had to lave Spain right after I’ve met them. In April 2021 Ive got an online job, part time but It came in perfect sync with everything. The school job wasn’t paying enough anymore and my parents have been supporting me for some time now. Since then Ive been working online and Ive got pretty good working conditions because I can choose when I work, and how much. ( double edged sword, I know.. but I guess there was no better way ). That job also filled this professional aspect, and I was finally earning more decent money and because It was part time I was able to keep working on myself. Train, go out, read, listen to music etc. I was very happy !

So 2 summers passed and during the summer of 2021, after a quick and challenging growth process, there I was. Still in Spain, training under the sun every day, partying quite a lot but more mindful. I kept meeting interesting people and I started to be more selective with my friends and choose people who add good things to my life. It was then when I became more interested in astrology and the univers itself. Of course I knew something about these topics and always felt somehow connected to them but maybe wasn’t ready. I started seeing the teachings every experience has to offer and I begun to truly believe and feel there is guidance. I felt like I found ”the thing” that works for me. With every new/full moon I would feel it deeply in my body and mind and I would take the time to introspect, on my rooftop, under the stars. I would talk to myself, I would introspect on the way things are going in my life. I would ask myself how I feel and what my hearth wants.

I would be there for myself.

Towards the end of the summer season I kept feeling more and more that something big is changing again. I felt like the ground I’m standing on is running away from me. I felt like I’m changing fast, and I often felt overwhelmed by all the big changes that were happening in my life. I did very often say out loud,  I’m ready. Whatever is coming my way, I am ready. In September 2021 I met this girl. ( you knew that was coming didn’t you? :)) )

Ok, this has been a big change. Very big. Here I was, happy, strong, confident and in best shape ever. I was very actively going out with girls but nothing seemed to work out for various reasons..we would maybe sleep together a couple of times but then they would have to leave the country. Happened a few times. So one day in September I meet this girl. I don’t know how to go about this, it’s a very intense story and I’m not sure I know how to put it in the right sentences. Let’s just say the way we met was magical in many ways. Things happened, I was there, she was there. I saw her and the world stopped. I knew it wasn’t a coincidence, it felt very real and to me it all made sense. She was there on vacation and had to leave a couple of days after.

Fuck me. really? again?

Well, yes.

But that didn’t matter. We both felt it and knew right away that we are very lucky. She came back to visit me of course after we spent those days together. Got rid of her fiancee and came back to see me. Up until this summer we’ve been seeing each-other every month for a bit. She’s beautiful and she’s such a good person. She likes the same things as I do, we are very similar, we have the same favourite movies, music, etc. Sounds like I’ve met the right lady. Finally! That’s what I always wanted! What more could I possibly ask for?  I’m on the right path, I live under the sun every day, I feel confident, I’m dating a beautiful woman who I share so many things with and I have a six-pack.  :))

Well. You know. No level-up comes for free.

There is always some work to be done first. I was right when I felt there was some big change coming my way, both before the pandemic and the summer before I met her.

My life in Spain started to feel different, like it wasn’t serving me anymore. I would still love the sun and working out on the beach and I would still love a glass of wine with a nice tapa in the middle of the day. I was changing. I kept feeling like I needed to change something. The way I lived for the past 2 years, partying and enjoying every moment suddenly felt like it cannot be done anymore. There was also the distance. She wanted to move to Spain but needed time for that. It has been her dream to live there, and now she had one more reason to do it. I didn’t want to wait and I kept feeling that I wanted to live Spain and go live with her in Poland. ( for a while at least until we go back to Spain together ) I’ve been telling myself that I want us to be together and make it easier for both of us. Since I work online, my location isn’t a problem. I’m not sure if that’s the main reason. I really felt it, in my gut, that I have to go. That I need something new, that I need to take my first step. And I did it. I left Spain, the place I loved so much, the place where I’ve, in many ways found myself. I left the place where I built this last segment of my path, the one that feels closest to who I am really. I left the place where I was considered to be cool, girls looked at me training on the beach and I was always invited to the best parties in town.

I left the place that recently has became my comfort zone.

You probably noticed how many times I repeated the ” I “. I this, I that during this long post. Well.. here is something I got to work on. You see, these last weeks I started seeing all this for what it is. Why did I leave Spain to live in Poland? Yes the lady’s nice. But I could’ve waited there for her. I left because I couldn’t be the person I used to be there. I was feeding my ego and I’ve been doing it all my life. Getting a lot of attention from both females and people in general fed my ego big time, the parties etc. Made me live a superficial life. I did enjoy it, It was amazing. But I feel this is my next step. I’m learning how to be myself, still.

So, now I live in Poland. I work online, I’m still half lazy but I have ways better control of my life. I’m currently struggling with all these changes that recently happened. There are many questions arising:

Why did I live Spain really? What did I run away from? What pain was I trying to numb while seeking attention?

It has been a little difficult for me lately. It all felt right for me to leave Spain, and once I’ve done it, it started to feel overwhelming  to be here, to do all this. You know why? Because there are less ways to escape here. Here I have no parties to go to and and I’m being faced with another layer of myself. Deep down I knew this is what I was doing, but now that Im here, feeling at times frustrated and confused I have to say. It’s damn hard. I again left the confort.

I find it sometimes very difficult to connect to my girlfriend, at times I feel things are getting boring. But I love her immensely. I have some traumas I need to work on and I feel how some wounds I have can make even the most beautiful person in the world look like the source of my frustration. Luckily she is very inteligent and supportive. Today we talked about these things for a bit and after some thinking I believe I’m struggling with some sort of ADD. One of the most influential writers I’ve come across is Gabor Mate, who speaks a lot about it. I wasn’t sure this is where my attention should go but now, it does feel like it. So that’s what I’ll do. I have done a lot of thinking in the last 2 years, I’ve replayed many things from my childhood. As you said a few years ago… it’s all there. I’ve learned a lot about it. I see what triggers me, how and why. Sometimes I manage to smile at it and just see it for what it is. Sometimes.. it gets the worst out of me. Well, like any skill it will take some time. Surely I am not a beginner anymore 🙂

So this is me now, writing from Poland. I’ve started a new chapter and I’m both excited and overwhelmed. It has been a long year this one, a lot has happened. I’ve seen my parents a few times this year, had a few disputes, I see where all comes from. Its a long process but what else am I supposed to do? I might as well enjoy it 🙂

Thank you Anita! I don’t think that moment I’ve played in my head has come. In some ways it did and I could say that I’ve made it ! But then again, there will always be something next around the corner and I guess I wouldn’t change that.

Thank you for reading all this and I’m sorry for not being able to be bief.

Thank you for everything you’ve shown me in the past, all that had later made me understand so much.

And thank you for thinking of me! That means a lot! Sending much love your way and I hope to hear from you soon!

Robi