A mess

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This topic has 8 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 4 months ago by Matt.

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August 22, 2013 at 7:13 am #40980

Kim
Participant

Well, the last two evenings have made me feel like I’m going backwards in my healing. Seeing him on that dating site was such a kick in the gut. Friends tell me that he just wants to have a good time and will never be able to sustain a lasting relationship until he makes some serious changes…and they don’t see that coming anytime soon and I don’t need to wait around for it. I’m jealous…they are going to do the things I did, go to the places I did, get to spend time with his daughter (I miss her too). But then (hopefully and most likely) they are going to experience some of the negative things as well and it will all depend on if they want to put up with it. He’ll probably be great in the beginning and then slowly start going back to his true colors. MY BIGGEST FEAR…THAT HE WILL ACTUALLY CHANGE AND IT WASN’T ME THAT HE WANTED TO CHANGE FOR. I’ve done just about everything I know to let him go. I’ve journaled, meditated, reached out to friends, let my emotions come and not push them away, wished him loving-kindness, asked God for help, written letters to him, try to go out with friends, try to keep myself busy, seen a counselor, talked to myself as I would talk to a friend going thru this…..I’ve got so many emotions going on.

There is the dealing with the fact that he treated me like crap and I know that I deserve better and that I’m a good person, yet I’m still letting him into my daily life. There is no getting back together, no more wondering about it….it’s final and over. I’m trying to accept that and move forward but I still love him and I don’t feel like I should. I don’t feel like I have a purpose: I have a crappy job that I think I’m about to lose anyday now, no children, and I am so broke. I feel like I’ve failed in every aspect of my life. Then to get dumped by the person I trusted not to do that made the bucket overflow.

August 22, 2013 at 9:03 am #40984

Matt
Participant

Kim,

Breakdowns are scary. All the pieces fall apart, and we are left holding a broken cup, peace and contentment flowing through our fingers like water. We suffer. The jealousy and self loathing arise like a hammer, and smash our self esteem to bits.

But it is good. There in the gaps between who you were and who you are is a magic. All of those things, him, job, even seeking release through meditation and friendships are of no help. Those are past. They have helped you to come here, to see the reflection in the pond, and they may help you tomorrow, but here in the pain is your key.

The mind resists pain, it tries to push away the feelings, but the body is stronger, and it is relentless. Jealousy hurts the body, and it is within the mind that the jealousy arises. The mind thinks its him, the cause, but it is not. Its inside, baggage unneeded, pain that is able to be healed.

Now is the time to practice. While the pain is fresh, vibrant, turn into the object of your attachment and give loving kindness. Look at him, wish for his joy. Wish him to find all the love and peace and pleasure and stability he could not find with you. Yes it is hard. Yes, the mind rebels, wanting to blame him for the pain the body feels. Dig in your heels, concentrate, use the skills you’ve been developing. Grit your teeth, that’s OK. Beat your fists, that’s OK. But keep wishing him joy. This is your prison, and your key, but you are the one who can transmute it.

Breakdown plus awareness becomes breakthrough. Said differently, if you can transmute the jealousy into kindness, finally, after all this pain, you will be free.

With warmth,
Matt

August 22, 2013 at 9:37 am #40986

jen
Participant

I think it’s huge that you identify your biggest fear, Kim!

I think that sometimes when we don’t feel like we’re making progress, we are really making a ton! You are clearly doing what you need to do – I don’t think that means that the pain goes away. I think that it means it lessens over time. You do what you can to get through it. I like to look at my anxiety as a couch – and I do my best to just sit in the couch of discomfort and get used to it. I think part of this is that it just takes time…you shouldn’t feel pressured to not feel frustrated/mad/sad/depressed.

You are more than allowed to love him! You were in a relationship – there were parts of that that were sacred to both of you. You absolutely have a purpose – you are posting here and I’m enjoying “writing” back and forth!

“Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall into place.” Take it step by step, moment by moment. Don’t think about the future. Sit with your feelings. Things have a way of falling into place. I promise. 🙂

Jen

August 22, 2013 at 9:46 am #40987

Anonymous
Inactive

Hey Kim,

I think you are pushing out of your limit without having a firm base first. You are repeating “I want to forget him,I want to forget him,I want to forget him” from the first moment your day starts. You are making it a mission. Don’t do that.
Let me ask you this,
“During the time you were writing journal, busy with friends,busy in job, meditating and trying to do all things to keep him out of your mind”
Do you remember any beautiful moments of this time “NOW”? I bet you don’t.You missed it all out because you were too occupied by his thoughts and totally outlooking the beautiful moments.
I also have been through a similar situation. I don’t want to compare but for me this gal in same college seeing her everyday and not keeping an eye on her was the rarest thing I would do on earth and know what she was my first love so it obviously hard to let go of her but I did it.It took 7 months but now I am really out of her because my eyes started to see beautiful things around me. It’s what you believe makes the world outside believe about you.

You were a caterpillar unknown by the realities of world but staying in cocoon without light all by yourself was a hard but must task that had to happen for you to realize your true importance for the people who care about you, Mom, Dad, Brothers, Sisters, Puppies.Think if any of these people passed away how much pain you had to endure.Now you are not knowing the importance of their existence because they are here. So why bother thinking about him whom you are not sure about either he cares or not???

This is not the Ending Of Story Of Our Pain, there’s a lot more to come.Even harder and even stronger. So first believe and second see yourself as a person who doesn’t let down what he/she commits to do. And I want you to come out of your cocoon as a butterfly and commit that you will be a crazy person you ever wanted to be!!!!

There is nothing to worry about, but only to handle.
I guess i was off-topic but that’s the base I mentioned earlier.

Never Give Up(Naruto),
Danger

August 22, 2013 at 10:21 am #40994

angela
Participant

Kim,

I have found a lady in the UK that blogs that has been a huge help of late. When I read your post, I knew I needed to send you to her site. Please don’t think that you will never feel better again, because assuredly you will. Best wishes.

Angie

p.s. Go read her stuff. She is very very good 🙂 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

August 22, 2013 at 12:41 pm #41005

Buddhist Wife
Participant

You are not a crappy person and you are not a failure.

You are a human being like the rest of us and like the rest of us, something went wrong in your life. I do things wrong every single day, we all do.

Please try to be a bit more compassionate towards yourself.

August 23, 2013 at 7:11 am #41037

Kim
Participant

I never thought about that every day I’m trying to “forget him” and push myself into healing. I know that everyone heals at different rates….for some reason I think I need to be over this by now. But in reality I’m not. Is it because he is trying to date? Maybe. I could be forcing myself to move forward because of what he is doing now. If he’s ready then I should be ready. But I have no idea what he is feeling or going thru. He could be as unhappy as me and forcing himself to move forward or he could be truly over it and happy. The pain has lessened some which is a positive. But the wanting him back and missing him is still there strong as ever. I’m trying to force myself to believe that I am better off without him and that I don’t want to be with him, and that may all be very truthful, but I’m not ready to believe that. Everyone is telling me I’m so much better off because of how the relationship was and they are not just telling me this to make me feel better, they know him and how he is and also know me as a person and want so much more for me. I could be better in a month or a year, I don’t know. I’m always hard on myself, so I’ve been trying to be a little more understanding with me.

August 24, 2013 at 5:15 am #41086

LisaS
Participant

Kim (and Matt),
What a wonderful way to deal with a tragedy of the heart. I know how you feel exactly, Kim. And to tell you the truth, I was ready to let him have the full brunt of my pain-anger when I saw him next. Matt’s reply to you is beautiful and truly inspired by God. “Love your enemies and bless those who mistreat you” – Jesus, Bible.
I am going to take this to heart as well and let forgiveness and blessing be the key to unlocking my pain and self-abuse over my own mess. I hope you will take it to heart as well Kim!

With Love,
Lisa

August 24, 2013 at 7:27 am #41087

Matt
Participant

Kim,

I’m sorry for all the pain and confusion, this world can be topsy turvy and send us spinning. My heart goes out to you! I’m impressed at how you’re looking at it from both sides, trying to piece together what is going on and how to heal. It is so true that the heart takes time to heal, and at different rates for each of us. It makes sense to me that seeing him dating would be tough, how could he be doing that when your heart is still hurting! Didn’t the love mean anything to him?

Consider that perhaps that line of thought is a dead end. What was, was. Neither of you were able to keep the intimacy sustained, and who and why and where don’t change that. But, there is information here and now which provides the release from the painful feelings and thoughts. Said differently, when we go to the doctor with a broken bone, she tells us the bone is broken and needs to heal. Then she puts a cast on it, to keep the bone aligned while it grows whole.

In the case of a broken heart, yes it takes time to heal. The pain will hurt, the moments in time in which his dating and your loneliness and jealousy and anger and resentment and projection… those all happen to all of us. But there is a splint, a cast, that we can place around the heart so it heals well.

This is why I suggest wishing him well. It gives your heart the space it needs to heal, to become whole. Look at it this way: right now, you are letting his actions, his dating, suck the joy right out of your body. Ouch! It doesn’t do anyone any good, except bringing your attention to the break. Often, if we don’t splint the heart, we can heal lopsided or keep re-injuring the heart every time we see him.

This splint is words of loving kindness. They are spoken out loud at first as we wrestle with what to do with our pain. Then, habitually we think them as thoughts of him surface. Then, thoughts of him inspire warmth, rather than pain, because the feeling of wishing him well becomes genuine within the heart.

This is very natural and a deep insight given by the Buddha. It works. Bhante Gunaratana compiled it into a mantra. With as much sincerity as you can muster:

“May we be well, happy and peaceful. May no harm come to us. May we always meet with spiritual success. May we also have patience, courage, understanding, and determination to meet and overcome the inevitable difficulties, problems and failures in life. May we always rise above them with morality, integrity, forgiveness, compassion, mindfulness and wisdom.”

We think it is time, or another romance which will free us. Sometimes that works, but if we walk on a broken leg, it might heal crooked. So is it true of the heart. If we just turn away, ignore the tear, don’t place the seeds of unconditional love while we are alert, while the pain is fresh, then there is the potential of reliving the same pattern again. Its painful enough once! Shake free! Take control!

With warmth,
Matt
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