Ann,

I’m sorry for the shock and pain that you’re experiencing, and i know how disorienting it can be to have trust broken. What to do next is between you and your heart, as you’re really the only one who has the information. As I read your words, a few ideas came to heart.

Your husband seems to get caught in patterns of poor decision making. His cravings lead him to abandon his promises, and that leads him into suffering. If he wants to change that to become a better person, perhaps he will… if he puts the effort into growing himself. Said differently, repentance in words is empty, as it takes action and persistence to change. Perhaps counseling, meditation, spiritual seeking… something where he is challenged to grow in a positive direction.

That being said, if his motivation is only to avoid losing you and the family, that may only last until he feels secure again. Change isn’t something we can do for others… it has to come from within. If his cheating and pot smoking are things he will repress only to keep you, then it will be much more difficult to actually shed those habits.

So, it really is up to you and what you see. Do you see a man who is only as faithful as his options? Are his other qualities valuable and loving? Are you considering staying with him because you see a good man with some difficulties that you can accept as he overcomes them? What does your gut tell you, if you dig inside yourself just below your navel, do you want him back?

With warmth,
Matt

Ann,

You’re welcome, I’m just doing my best to share the love and light of the world with the world. You asked how to deal with the pain, and how to move past this experience, and a few things came to heart.

The first thing that seems important is to see that a relationship has three separate components. There is you, with your thoughts, feelings, and reactions. There is him, with his thoughts, feelings and reactions. Then there is the intimacy, which is the interaction between you two, the way you relate to that interaction, and the common ground you two agree upon.

For you, on your side, perhaps consider reading some of Pia Mellody’s books. She gives very practical advice on how to disentangle yourself from him, so that you can stop making his decisions about you. For instance, it is easy to say “how could he do this to me?” but that is a dead end street. He ignored his own promise, which has nothing to do with you. It is between him and his reactions, thoughts and feelings. If he has a low self worth, it is normal to try to find happiness in drugs, sex, food. That has nothing to do with you.

It is almost the theme statement of codependency patterns for a partner to say “if only I can love them enough, they will be whole, they will change, they will grow into a good partner.” Pia Mellody explains how this is a failing exercise, and how to become stable in ourselves. We can’t change others, we can invite them, but the choice is in their hands.

Perhaps before making any kind of decision you can get back into your body, your mind, and look at it from the perspective of the life you want to live. Go on a nature walk, take a bubble bath with candles… do something you enjoy, just for you. Be kind to Ann, and help her wake up. Being with him can’t be about the kids, or about him… it is something that has to come from the heart. You are alive, breathing, and have the right to follow your path of joy. It is from our inner joy that our kids and partners find the nourishment and wisdom that will help them find their path as well. Said differently, self sacrifice is not helpful for ourselves or others… joy is something we share with others, not something we give up for their benefit.

With warmth,
Matt