August 23, 2013 at 5:14 am #41032AnnParticipant
It’s been a week today since I have found out about my spouse cheated on me. Last week I used his phone to play a game and a message popped up. I clicked on it and it was a picture a girl with her chest hanging out saying, “OK, good night, sweet dreams”. I thought it was a virus and so I started investigating where or why this is happening to his phone. I found another picture of his private part and sending it to a girl he knew awhile back. I confronted him and it got really ugly. Instead of being remorseful he lashed back. He got really angry and said he is not in love with me anymore and that our relationship has been over for awhile. The next day, I told him to stay out and stay away from us. We met up to talk. He pleaded with me to ake him back and give him another chance. He said he was sorry and that all is is his fault. He wants to make things up to me and our children. He said realized what he is going to lose and he doesn’t want to. Prior to this whole chaos, there was a few issues as well. Early on when we were dating he text messages someone with whom he got together for physical needs. The messages were quite dirty. I confronted him regarding that issue at the time. This was about 7 years ago. He apologized and said he won’t do this again to hurt me. As we continued through our relationship, we had a son two years after being together. He made a promise to us that he will never smoke marijuana after his son is born. He used to smoke up 5 times a day and I got him to cut back just so he can lie life instead of being stoned all the time. I was ready to walk away many times for that reason, but I felt bad for him. I felt he needed to be rescued by someone who cares and loves him. I remained for that reason. Don’t get me wrong, he is a very kind and good person. One of the biggest heart I have ever known. That is why I fell in love with him in the first place. So to continue with the promise of giving up his marijuana, he was sneaking around and hiding it from me. I found out and asked him to leave. I did not want drugs to be part of our lives since we had our son. I can’t be a hypocrite and tell my children to not touch drugs and their father is doing drugs. Time and time again, I have to find things out myself instead of him coming clean with his lies and deception. We just had a baby about 10 months ago. My dilemma now is whether or not to give him this one last chance. I know eventually I will forgive him for all the pain he has caused me and my children, however do I continue with this relationship or continue without him. I do love him but I can’t tolerate what may be a pattern in the future. I’m afraid even though he said he will never do it again. He wept and was remorseful. He is even trying to get his family to talk to me this time because he knows he is about to lose us. This will be a life changing decision for me and my children.August 23, 2013 at 6:57 am #41036MattParticipant
I’m sorry for the shock and pain that you’re experiencing, and i know how disorienting it can be to have trust broken. What to do next is between you and your heart, as you’re really the only one who has the information. As I read your words, a few ideas came to heart.
Your husband seems to get caught in patterns of poor decision making. His cravings lead him to abandon his promises, and that leads him into suffering. If he wants to change that to become a better person, perhaps he will… if he puts the effort into growing himself. Said differently, repentance in words is empty, as it takes action and persistence to change. Perhaps counseling, meditation, spiritual seeking… something where he is challenged to grow in a positive direction.
That being said, if his motivation is only to avoid losing you and the family, that may only last until he feels secure again. Change isn’t something we can do for others… it has to come from within. If his cheating and pot smoking are things he will repress only to keep you, then it will be much more difficult to actually shed those habits.
So, it really is up to you and what you see. Do you see a man who is only as faithful as his options? Are his other qualities valuable and loving? Are you considering staying with him because you see a good man with some difficulties that you can accept as he overcomes them? What does your gut tell you, if you dig inside yourself just below your navel, do you want him back?
MattAugust 25, 2013 at 8:34 am #41122AnnParticipant
Thank you Matt for responding so quickly. I really do appreciate your input and opening my mind a little. I take comfort in knowing that people like yourself who take time to write back to a total stranger. I am in a lot of pain. I can’t feel nothing but how can I move past this. How do I let go of such pain. How can he do this to me. How can he lie time and time. Is he truly sorry this time??? Either way I feel it is definitely going to be hard the decision I have to make. If I stay, I have to constantly watch my back. If I leave, my kids grow up without him. Don’t get me wrong, he is a good dad. I just wish I hadn’t gotten involved with him in the first place. I guess I do kind of regret it. I know it’s terrible for me to say this but I feel this way now. Part of me wants to go and a little part of me wants to stay and try one last time. I don’t really know what else I can do. I am not sure I am missing that drove him to make this choice. Lies are something I can’t tolerate. It depends all the mistake and the lies you tell. I can’t dismiss this type of lie and betrayal that easily. I don’t think I can ever. I thank you once more.August 25, 2013 at 10:05 am #41126MattParticipant
You’re welcome, I’m just doing my best to share the love and light of the world with the world. You asked how to deal with the pain, and how to move past this experience, and a few things came to heart.
The first thing that seems important is to see that a relationship has three separate components. There is you, with your thoughts, feelings, and reactions. There is him, with his thoughts, feelings and reactions. Then there is the intimacy, which is the interaction between you two, the way you relate to that interaction, and the common ground you two agree upon.
For you, on your side, perhaps consider reading some of Pia Mellody’s books. She gives very practical advice on how to disentangle yourself from him, so that you can stop making his decisions about you. For instance, it is easy to say “how could he do this to me?” but that is a dead end street. He ignored his own promise, which has nothing to do with you. It is between him and his reactions, thoughts and feelings. If he has a low self worth, it is normal to try to find happiness in drugs, sex, food. That has nothing to do with you.
It is almost the theme statement of codependency patterns for a partner to say “if only I can love them enough, they will be whole, they will change, they will grow into a good partner.” Pia Mellody explains how this is a failing exercise, and how to become stable in ourselves. We can’t change others, we can invite them, but the choice is in their hands.
Perhaps before making any kind of decision you can get back into your body, your mind, and look at it from the perspective of the life you want to live. Go on a nature walk, take a bubble bath with candles… do something you enjoy, just for you. Be kind to Ann, and help her wake up. Being with him can’t be about the kids, or about him… it is something that has to come from the heart. You are alive, breathing, and have the right to follow your path of joy. It is from our inner joy that our kids and partners find the nourishment and wisdom that will help them find their path as well. Said differently, self sacrifice is not helpful for ourselves or others… joy is something we share with others, not something we give up for their benefit.