Dear Addy,

thanks for asking, I am able to sleep again (a tremendous relief), so I am very happy! Now I am only experiencing a slight loss of taste and smell, but that’s not such a big deal and I hope it will get better with time.

that’s why I said I need to develop the trust first. And I do have trust issues as well so… Are you suggesting that I should be vulnerable and showing weakness with everyone? At this day and age?

When we operate under a false premise that people are out there to attack us for showing weakness, then no amount of trust will be enough. You yourself said that both of your girlfriends were supportive where you expressed some self-doubt, and yet, you haven’t started trusted them suddenly, right? You were still afraid that maybe you shared too much and that they haven’t shared that much about their own weaknesses, which might put you in an unfavorable position.

You see? Their supportive reaction didn’t do anything to disperse that fear of yours and make you trust them more…

Are you suggesting that I should be vulnerable and showing weakness with everyone? At this day and age?

No, not at all. Not everyone is well intentioned and have our best interest in mind. You don’t need to show too much vulnerability in professional settings. Or with acquaintances and people you only know superficially. Or even with some family members, with whom you don’t feel safe.

But what we’re discussing here are romantic relationships. That’s a different ball game altogether. There you do need emotional intimacy, and in order to have emotional intimacy, you need to be honest and open, including about your own dilemmas, fears, what worries you etc. And you’d need to be open to listen to your partner if she has such worries herself, and empathize with her, without judgment.

Both of you would need to be free to be yourself in the relationship, i.e. to be authentic, without sugar-coating things, pretending, hiding parts of yourself, or walking on eggshells etc.

I do like the spontaneity… I’m actually a Product Manager so maybe that’s why I’m just more organizational.

Okay, the fact that you like planning ahead isn’t a bad thing. We need a healthy balance of planning and spontaneity.

About the weaknesses I may or may not be afraid of that thing. Because I’m sharply honest… And another thing is that I think is weaknesses are just some things you haven’t learned yet and to be honest it can be fun too. … But for emotional weaknesses in particular I haven’t revealed too much I accept that.

Right, so weakness as in “lack of skill” doesn’t bother you too much, because things can be learned. But it is the emotional “weakness” that is worrying to you, that’s what you’re afraid of. That would include feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, impatience, envy, jealousy and other negative feelings that you may have either towards yourself, your partner, or other people. I am not saying you have all those feelings, just that these emotions would be unacceptable for you to express to your partner, right?

For example, you said you’ve been trying to be patient with your current girlfriend… but I can imagine it was hard for you, and you might have been trying to hide your anger and impatience? You didn’t want to show it, but yet, you felt it?

When I said “Do not settle” mindset I meant more for like places because I’m just changing cities every few months. I need to explore lot of places and wonders of nature.

So you like your dynamic job, where you get to change cities every few months, and explore various places and nature in those areas? That in fact is not in contradiction with having a deep, intimate relationship. Because you’re not talking about getting married and having children any time soon (the latter would require to settle down in one place). You’re still in the phase of looking for a suitable partner, right? And perhaps a suitable partner for you would be someone who shares the wanderlust, who likes to travel and hike and enjoys similar activities like you do. What I am trying to say is that having a deep, intimate relationship is not in contradiction with e.g. your love for adventure.

However, fear of emotional intimacy is indeed in contradiction with having a deep, intimate relationship. Those two don’t go together.

Regarding the battle between your weak part, and your seemingly invincible part:

It’s the confusion and battle between these two things does tires me emotionally sometimes

I don’t even think it’s a battle, but I think it’s more that the “invincible” part (the Protector) is defending the “weak” part (the inner child). No one knows (but you) that you feel weak inside, or to be more precise, that emotionally you don’t feel strong because things bother you much more than you would like to admit, right?

Anyway, I think the solution is in rewriting some key scripts from your childhood, i.e. saying what needs to be said to your parents. Don’t worry, you don’t need to say it out loud to them, but you do need to – in your imagination – defend yourself from your father’s verbal abuse. You, the adult Addy, need to protect little Addy (your inner child) from your father’s abuse, telling him in no uncertain terms that you will not allow him to talk to little Addy like that and to back off.

Also, the adult Addy (in your imagination) needs to explain to his mother that taking abuse silently is not a virtue, and that you don’t want to allow your father to abuse little Addy any more. Tell her she might have meant well, but has caused you harm. Instead of putting some sense into her husband and demanding that he (an adult man) treats you differently, she expected her son to be the mature one. She allowed the abuse to happen, while maintaining the illusion of “peace” in the family.

The above is called finishing the unfinished business. The best would be to do it in therapy, with a skillful therapist. (Don’t do it to your parents’ faces). The idea is to express what you need to express, feel all your emotions (including anger and hurt) and by doing that, put an end to the “old script”. The old script is where you just endured and accepted abuse silently, made excuses for your father, and pretended that all is fine in front of your mother.

By finishing the unfinished business you open yourself up for a new script. And in the new script you’ll feel differently about yourself too – you won’t feel emotionally weak and you won’t need to pretend that you are strong. You’ll be strong and vulnerable at the same time.

What do you say?