Dear Addy,

yes I am fully recovered, no more sleep problems, and also my sense of taste has recovered fully. So I am happy and grateful! Thank you for asking!

Thanks for sharing I’ll watch the video and let you know. Also I want to let you know nowadays I’m being more mindful about being empathic which does making me feel better.

Good to hear! Did you have a situation in which you stopped yourself from using sarcasm and responded differently?

That’s right but reasonable expectation or not I don’t want to get angry or disappointed. More like in serene state like I shouldn’t have problems with her actions, and I just have to see my reactions.

You know, anger is not always bad – I mean feeling anger, not acting on it impulsively. There is another great video by the same psychologist, Dr. Henry Cloud, which I totally recommend watching. It’s called “Anger is a signal, not a solution“. It explains how anger can tell us that something’s wrong, that our boundaries are crossed and we’re not being treated right. It’s a signal that we need to change something about the situation or the relationship we’re in.

Dr. Cloud says that when we feel anger, we should examine whether it’s something unresolved coming from within us, or our boundaries and sense of well-being are indeed being violated, i.e. it’s an external problem. And then act accordingly. Never impulsively or aggressively though.

More like in serene state like I shouldn’t have problems with her actions, and I just have to see my reactions.

It depends what her actions are. If she’s doing something that violates or disrespects you in some way, or promises things she doesn’t keep etc, then it’s normal to feel angry and upset (anger is a signal, remember!). But you don’t attack her, start yelling at her etc. Instead, you take a pause, breathe deeply, and clarify with yourself what it is that bothers you. And then you communicate with her, as calmly as possible, that this kind of behavior bothers you and what you would need from her in the future. So, it could be her fault indeed, but you communicate it in a calm, mature way.

I am saying this because you have a history of your mother accusing you of not being “cool” and “sensible” enough about being bullied by your father. She blamed you for your natural self-defense reaction, which is anger. But now, you don’t need to blame yourself for feeling angry. Instead, you take it as a signal and examine it. Anyway, watch Dr. Cloud’s video – he explained it excellently.

I want to change it. Yes

Good! And you will change it, with time, as you’re becoming more and more aware of yourself and working on your healing… it will change, there is no doubt about that.

Hmm so I knew they’re wrong yet still I blame myself sometimes. but you’re right it’s the self-critic

Yes, the child always blames themselves when the parent criticizes them. Later, when you got older, you saw that their behavior was wrong, but the child part of you still believed that he is the one to blame, that he’s not good enough. And now your inner critic (which are the internalized voices of your father and mother) is blaming your inner child. The same dynamic as when you were a child, only now the critic is within your own head, not outside.

I did started practice (Mostly via sitting and imagination) that but because I didn’t do that before I don’t know how to do that progress of loving my inner child and being compassionate with him

You can try it when you get upset about something and your first reaction is to beat yourself up for not being super calm and serene. You can tell yourself “it’s okay Addy that you feel angry, no wonder you feel angry, this was indeed hurtful what they did… ” And so you validate your own anger, instead of scolding yourself for it.

You can also get yourself a cute fluffy animal (a teddy bear or something that symbolizes your inner child) and hug that animal and talk to it, caress it… Maybe it will help you communicate better with your inner child if you have something physical, not just an image in your head.

I totally agree I’m hope I’ll be able heal those core wounds of mine.

You will, just have a lot of patience with yourself. Small steps, baby steps… and lots of validation of your own feelings, rather than judging yourself for it. Also, if you get frustrated with yourself for not healing faster, instead of criticizing and blaming yourself, have empathy for yourself, have patience, tell yourself it’s okay, you’re fine, you’re lovable, there’s nothing wrong with you… The key is self-acceptance, radical acceptance of all your feelings, allowing them to be…. without judging yourself for it.

The paradox is that the more accepting we are of our “faults” and “imperfections”, the faster we heal. That’s the power of self-compassion.