Dear Lost1Flow:

I relate to you not having your own life to live, but instead, living for the sake of someone else’s life and doing so because of guilt. You used the word Lost, in your screen name. I used to think of my life  as Stolen: stolen by guilt, guilt perpetuated by my mother. She robbed me of my life and the weapon she used in the robbery was Guilt. Guilt with a capital G. The ways that my mother instilled this Guilt in me were probably different from the ways your mother did, and my mother’s motivation was probably different from yours. But the result is the same: lost/ stolen lives, to a large extent.

If you look at the bigger picture of your circumstances, there are 4 people involved: an old, disabled elderly woman, an ailing middle-aged man, a suffering middle-aged woman, and a suffering younger woman (30). Who is the Winner in this picture?

I am asking because I want to have a conversation with you, Lost1Flow- hoping that a conversation will help you find a way to move forward from this very difficult dilemma.

anita

Dear Lost1Flow:

You are welcome, and thank you!

“I’m not sure I understand your question? ‘Who is the Winner’? I don’t see anyone as a winner in my current situation. Am I just feeling sorry for myself, is that the underlying suggestion?“- no, not at all, this was far from what I had in mind when asking this question. What I had in mind was to move toward the possibility that your life has been sacrificed so far supposedly for the well-being of others… but there is no well-being for the others: they are still suffering… so what is really the value of your sacrifice? Maybe there is another alternative which would mean that the others’ suffering will be minimized but not at the cost of your life.

“I’m still ahead as the winner because I have my youth?“- no, you are the winner; you are the loser because you already lost all of your 20s and your teenage years before that.. and the sacrifice of your 30s is next, if there is no change in the situation.

“I have a lot of health problems, which maybe would be limiting my full potential of life anyway“- what are these health problems, if I may ask?

You asked me in the beginning of your recent post: “How did you move forward?“- it’s a long story that will take more than one post to answer, but I’ll tell you this, for now: first, I wish I moved forward many years before I actually did (and I wish that you will move forward way sooner than I did); second: I literally left my mother and country, moved continents and oceans away.. felt an intoxicating freedom at first, but too soon, the Guilt took over (just like you suspect it will in your case, if and when you move on). Freedom from Guilt took way more time and way more work than crossing those physical continents and oceans!

anita

I will reply to you, Lost1Flow, in about an hour, or less.

anita

Dear Lost1Flow,

I’d like to address something you’ve said about your family:

I had a chance at having my own life, with a man I really loved years ago, but my family kept me away from him. Now he’s married. How do I move past the resentment that they kept me (and continue keeping me) from a happy, normal life of my own?

Your family prevented you from building a life with the man you really loved. Since you feel resentment towards them, it tells me they have wronged you. Because he wasn’t a bad person, was he? You could have been happy with him, or at least you could have tried. But your family somehow convinced you to forego that marriage and stay with them, perhaps so you can take care of them?

Your mother says she wants the best for you:

She says she wants me to live my life, but at the same time she’s so dependent on me.

But let me ask you something: when you wanted to marry the man you loved, how supportive was she of that?

Dear Lost1Flow,

you’re welcome, and happy New Year to you!

She always thought I deserved someone who “treated me better”, but I honestly was happy enough. … I think she was jealous that he was taking away my time from her, which I only really realized when I was away from it.

It does seem your mother wasn’t motivated only by her concern for you and your well-being, but also by her self-interest to have you near her, being completely dedicated to her.

You say that you are her “sole friend/companion/emotional support/aid” – which means you are meeting all of her emotional needs. No wonder she wants to keep you just for herself.

But that’s pretty selfish of her. When she says she wants you to live your life, I don’t think she is really honest about it. Because if you lived your own life, cared about your own needs and even had someone else in your life – you wouldn’t be able to care for her so much, and be her emotional crutch.

She has been a good mother me, though. I’m painting a terribly one-sided picture. I know she made sacrifices for me growing up

Maybe she did make sacrifices for you, but now she is asking you to sacrifice your life for her. Good parents usually don’t expect that kind of sacrifice…

I am sorry if this isn’t the most positive note to start the new year on, but I feel it’s the reality that needs to be taken into account…