Tee and Anita, thank you both so much for all your support and wise words. Certainly will be following this advice and exploring these topics further. Wishing you both peace and happiness 🙂

Hi Tee, it’s like you’re reading my mind…

You feel responsible for her well-being, while she refuses to take responsibility for it. 100%

Even though she is telling you she wants you to have a life of your own, she doesn’t really mean it, because in her mind, it would mean like being abandoned and helpless and alone. …you don’t want to cause harm to your mother. You feel trapped, because you really believe that she won’t make it without you.

Yes, yes and yes! She was never in a happy marriage with my father. It wasn’t an actual arranged marriage, but pretty close. So yes, I was her everything emotionally and friendship-wise in place of him. She made excuse after excuse why she couldn’t leave him, but never actually did. So yes, there was definitely a lot of neediness even prior to my brother’s death (he was 15, I was 13).

Anita, to your point, years ago I tried talking to her about all this dysfunction in our relationship, and she got horribly defensive, called me all horrible things, and we got into such a wicked fight, I never brought it up again. I just tried to slowly detach more, but the same patterns always crept back in. Then when all the caregiving started, it just got that much worse.

I definitely agree with you. It is selfish, and it’s just me feeling badly because she has no one else to lean on. I’ve tried encouraging her to make new friends, but she doesn’t put in any real effort. Now I can understand she doesn’t have the time, but in the past, it was easier to just rely on me. I know it’s really a bad corner I’ve painted myself into lol

Thank you, and Happy New Year! May it be filled with endless positive possibilities for you and for all 🙂

Hi Anita,

Kudos to your bravery in making such a big move and change! That is inspiring.

You are very right that perhaps all of this effort and lost/lives is in vain if the situation really is not improved with my presence anyway. I feel it must be helping in some way being a partial caregiver than not at all though… but at what cost, as you pointed out? I really wish there was some other alternative I have not thought of.

In terms of health, my largest issue is chronic pain, which often leads to chronic fatigue due to lost sleep/insomnia. I’ve tried meditation, therapy, journaling, exercise, yoga, holistic meds, conventional meds. I really thought some of the former would also help open my mind to alternative solutions here.

What processes/tools did you use to work through your personal challenges with moving and dealing with guilt? Perhaps there is something else I haven’t tried…

Thank you 🙂