Anita, Thank you, I am better today.

How is your day?

Sorry for not responding earlier. I was thinking about our last posts.

Last week and this one is overwhelming for me. Maybe because of the sickness, too much work, not going out since 27th I think, also thinking about my own personality. Today is a bit better.

You feel less pain, a pain that is not overwhelming, but the pain doesn’t disappear. You don’t get to forevermore feel “nothing” about what hurt so much and for so long (it would be impossible because our brain doesn’t get replaced with a brand new brain that has no emotional memory of our past).

It saddens me to know this, so many memories I will not be able to..numb. I know it’s true. I just thought maybe it is possible for other people if they work hard enough.

Persons with PPD are hypervigilant to physical, verbal or social attacks, and do not trust others, and therefore tend to have few if any close or intimate associates. They tend to be aloof, cold, distant, argumentative, and frequently complain…  they have a difficult time getting along with others.

My mother does not have any close friend. She used to have some, she still has some friends (?) she likes, hangs out with but they all have on thing in common: at some point she felt anger at them, show them her contempt and stopped speaking to them. I read a lot about borderline personality disorder during recent days. “relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate” this is exactly my mother’s behavior.

I start thinking it would describe my thoughts sometimes too. I too get sudden feelings of anger at people for no reason. It passes but comes back.  Sometimes it has led me to being angry and getting into a stupid argument with people or being not nice to them. “Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. ” I have been obsessed about thinking I may be BPD too. It really kills me how not well I am when I struggle so much already, trying everyday and thinking I was doing Ok maybe.

“According to the DSM-5, persons with Paranoid Personality Disorder will have trouble operating with others in the workplace, educational or social settings

My mother was very bad at working with people. She hated everyone and everyone hated her. She didn’t even like birthday wishes at work so she took a day off every time it was her birthday. One time a coworker had a wedding and everyone was invited except my mother (she said she didn’t know why).

no point in explaining anything to her.. and now you know what is wrong with her, don’t you?

Yes and it feels weird knowing she is indeed sick. Feels like I do not and did not have .. real parents. Seeing families that some people have versus what I got..I feel sorry for myself a lot these days, last couple of years.

– back to the ravive. com/  ppd: “Persons with Paranoid Personality Disorder may develop brief psychotic reactions under stress, but by definition, a brief psychotic episode is discrete and does not endure“- I think that I understand now, that eerie silence, her sitting in the dark like that.. those were brief psychotic episodes that followed the intense stress she experienced during her raging attacks. Slowly, gradually, your mother, my mother were “coming back” (your words) from their brief psychotic episodes.

It almost seemed to me like she did not have a choice, like it was stronger than her, she had to stop speaking because of whatever she was experiencing at the moment – the anger, the psychotic episode. Even her “coming back” (starting speaking again) seemed like she finally was trying to speak again, not being fully able to but trying, as if she was fighting it. Very weird as I remember it. I am not justifying this, just saying it indeed seemed like some kind of psychotic episode.

when you find yourself feeling sorry for her, shift your focus to feeling sorry for yourself for a moment, for being born to her.

Thank you for this advice (and many more) –  I have been thinking a lot lately about this one.