Dear Eric:

“do u think I’m demanding too much if I always expect her to act the same and text me ‘happily’ everyday? Because that’s what makes me feel reassured“- what makes you feel reassured is not good for her mental health because it is not only demanding, but terribly unfair to her to have to pretend to always feel the same: to always happily receive your texts and reply immediately, to always look and sound happy when she is around you,  especially if she ends up being around you a lot. It would be distressing and exhausting for her, and it will make her sick.

Anytime she reassures you, it will calm you temporarily, but sooner than later, you will need another reassurance; similar to what I mentioned to you before, in regard to your itches (obsessions or worries) needing to be scratched.

“Also, in about two weeks I’m going to have a family dinner with her parents on Chinese new year eve. Would u mind helping me with a list of questions to communicate with her parents/sister/brother/sister’s boyfriend?“- at this point, I am reluctant to try and help you maintain and expand the relationship with her because I am afraid for her mental health.

I repeatedly suggested that you seek counseling/ psychotherapy or see a doctor for the purpose of healing and managing your “overthinking and insecurity” (your words, the title of this thread), but you refused to seek professional help. Most recently, I suggested that you get a workbook (The Attachment Theory Workbook, The Mindfulness Workbook For Anxiety), but you expressed no interest in it.

I really am sorry that you are suffering from overthinking and insecurity, I know how painful it is. But you are the one who is supposed to do something about it: to seek professional help or at the least, start your work in a self-help context (a workbook). It is not your girlfriend’s job to heal you (she can’t, no matter how hard she tries!), and it is not my job to heal you (I can’t no matter how hard I try…). It is your job, your responsibility. Otherwise, you will continue to suffer, and worse: you will cause your girlfriend to suffer unnecessarily.

anita