Home→Forums→Tough Times→How can i get rid of this overthinking and insecurity?
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December 27, 2022 at 11:17 pm #412729
AnonymousInactiveShe told me she likes that im clingy, but at the same time i feel like she intentionally replies me late… its so exhausting
I apologize anita if i replied in too many threads… im really feeling stressed right now… like really really stress….
December 28, 2022 at 6:09 am #412737AnonymousGuestDear Eric:
“I can see the difference on our texts before I confessed and right now’s situation…. And she still replies late. I know she still have assignments but still how can it be everyday“-
– I guess it can be every day because she told you that this is her exam period, so she is stressed, and she is busy studying (“this week that girl is in her exams period in uni so she is stressed“, Dec 23).
“Do u still think this is me overthinking things?“- yes, I do.
“I feel like she intentionally replies me late“- what do you think her intention is: why would she intentionally reply to you late?
“She told me she likes that I’m clingy“- do you know what she means by “clingy”: what specific clingy behaviors on your part does she like?
“tbh, with all my previous crushes, I always suspect them whenever they reply late without informing me first. Maybe I’m too demanding? Like I always want her to constantly text me good morning and good night“-
– there is lots of information online about Anxious Attachment Style in relationships, which is clearly your style. From very well health. com/ anxious attachment (I am adding the boldface and italicized features): “You might have an anxious attachment style if you *Worry a lot about being rejected or abandoned by your partner, *Frequently try to please and gain approval from your partner, *Fear of infidelity and abandonment… *Overly fixate on the relationship and your partner to the point where it consumes much of your life, *Constantly need attention and reassurance from others, *Feel threatened, panicked, angry, jealous, or worried that your partner no longer wants you when you spend time apart or do not hear from them for what most would consider a reasonable amount of time… , *Overreact to things that you see as being a threat to the relationship.
You can read about your attachment style, including the suggestions in regard to what you can do to help yourself feel better and function better in the relationship. The same website I mentioned reads: “Coping With Anxious Attachment: While anxious attachment can be challenging, having a healthy relationship is possible no matter what attachment style you have, if you use the right strategies for coping. Short term strategies include… Long term strategies include… “.
There are also books and workbooks on overcoming the anxious attachment style. One workbook is called “The Attachment Theory Workbook“. Another workbook that can help you a lot is called “The Mindfulness Workbook For Anxiety“.
anita
December 28, 2022 at 6:11 am #412738AnonymousGuestre-submitting:
Dear Eric:
“I can see the difference on our texts before I confessed and right now’s situation…. And she still replies late. I know she still have assignments but still how can it be everyday“-
– I guess it can be every day because she told you that this is her exam period, so she is stressed, and she is busy studying (“this week that girl is in her exams period in uni so she is stressed“, Dec 23).
“Do u still think this is me overthinking things?“- yes, I do.
“I feel like she intentionally replies me late“- what do you think her intention is: why would she intentionally reply to you late?
“She told me she likes that I’m clingy“- do you know what she means by “clingy”: what specific clingy behaviors on your part does she like?
“tbh, with all my previous crushes, I always suspect them whenever they reply late without informing me first. Maybe I’m too demanding? Like I always want her to constantly text me good morning and good night“-
– there is lots of information online about Anxious Attachment Style in relationships, which is clearly your style. From very well health. com/ anxious attachment (I am adding the boldface and italicized features): “You might have an anxious attachment style if you *Worry a lot about being rejected or abandoned by your partner, *Frequently try to please and gain approval from your partner, *Fear of infidelity and abandonment… *Overly fixate on the relationship and your partner to the point where it consumes much of your life, *Constantly need attention and reassurance from others, *Feel threatened, panicked, angry, jealous, or worried that your partner no longer wants you when you spend time apart or do not hear from them for what most would consider a reasonable amount of time… , *Overreact to things that you see as being a threat to the relationship.
You can read about your attachment style, including the suggestions in regard to what you can do to help yourself feel better and function better in the relationship. The same website I mentioned reads: “Coping With Anxious Attachment: While anxious attachment can be challenging, having a healthy relationship is possible no matter what attachment style you have, if you use the right strategies for coping. Short term strategies include… Long term strategies include… “.
There are also books and workbooks on overcoming the anxious attachment style. One workbook is called “The Attachment Theory Workbook“. Another workbook that can help you a lot is called “The Mindfulness Workbook For Anxiety“.
anita
January 3, 2023 at 3:22 am #413100AnonymousInactiveDear anita,
Happy New Year !
Thank you for helping me throughout 2022….
May this new year bring you happiness, peace and prosperity !
Here i’m going to reply to your threads:
yes, I do.
= turns out you are right, i’m overthinking things…. she didnt intentionally reply me late that time…. she was really busy that she’s stressed so she cant reply me fast…..
Yesterday i went out with her (she’s still in her holiday period now after exams) and this time it’s different from that time, she acts normally and is very loving towards me like usual…. But at that stressed period of hers, she really acts very very differently, like i dont feel any attention from her…
guess it can be every day because she told you that this is her exam period, so she is stressed, and she is busy studying
= yes, right now her exam period has ended… and she will start a new semester soon… maybe next week… in this new semester she’ll be more busy because she’ll have to focus on doing her thesis till she ends her uni…. if i’m not mistaken she will graduate her uni next year….
do you know what she means by “clingy”: what specific clingy behaviors on your part does she like?
= like she likes if i contact her on a regular basis like texting her everyday……, Because i used to ask her… am i disturbing her by texting her everyday, and she told me she likes it that way, she likes it if i contact her daily… but she told me to that if she’s busy she might reply late….
she also likes if i hold her hands and hug her every time we meet each other on our dates…..
there is lots of information online about Anxious Attachment Style in relationships, which is clearly your style. From very well health. com/ anxious attachment (I am adding the boldface and italicized features): “You might have an anxious attachment style if you *Worry a lot about being rejected or abandoned by your partner, *Frequently try to please and gain approval from your partner, *Fear of infidelity and abandonment… *Overly fixate on the relationship and your partner to the point where it consumes much of your life, *Constantly need attention and reassurance from others, *Feel threatened, panicked, angry, jealous, or worried that your partner no longer wants you when you spend time apart or do not hear from them for what most would consider a reasonable amount of time… , *Overreact to things that you see as being a threat to the relationship.
You can read about your attachment style, including the suggestions in regard to what you can do to help yourself feel better and function better in the relationship. The same website I mentioned reads: “Coping With Anxious Attachment: While anxious attachment can be challenging, having a healthy relationship is possible no matter what attachment style you have, if you use the right strategies for coping. Short term strategies include… Long term strategies include… “.
There are also books and workbooks on overcoming the anxious attachment style. One workbook is called “The Attachment Theory Workbook“. Another workbook that can help you a lot is called “The Mindfulness Workbook For Anxiety“.
= Yes you are right, it is definitely my style….. i have that anxious attachment style…. I’m reading tips on how to reduce it…. but tbh every time i learn, i usually learn best through experience…..
Like when i realize at that time im overthinking things that she intentionally replies me late…. i want to make sure myself i wont act angry like that again…. but still that habit will still exist, like i will still overthink if she replies late, it’s just that i can think more positively now than before…..
Yesterday she told me there is another guy who text her, and he ask her out….. but she told me she replies that guy late… and just replies him with a short sentence in a cold way…. as she doesnt want to be with him, she wants to be with me…. Tbh i feel really grateful when she wants to be with me instead of that guy and other guys that chase her, like i’d never thought someone would choose me….. i’m pretty sure most of those guys are more manlier and taller than me….
I still do overthink on these matters, but i can control it better now…. Because before i chase her i never thought there’d be many guys that would chase her, turns out there is a lot….. But i really love her, and i have to bear with it…. although it’s painful to me…..
I know u said that there are guys who feel happy that if the girl has options but still choose them, but it’s hard for me to feel joy if there are potential rivals…. every time i heard there is a potential rival…. i wanna hurry and cover my weaknesses….
I feel like i’m not too manly, like i always keep asking her “what do u wanna have for dinner today”… and she always answered “anything is fine, i’ll follow”….. like i need to be the man and decide for her, not asking her…. I need to get rid of this habit and be a leader to her…… Because she once told me she wants a guy who she can rely on…..
Also i dont have a specific hobby….. I feel like i need to be a leader for her and be the one who introduce her lots of activities and not meeting her only for dinner…..
Like she has friends who invites her to play shooting range…. I feel like i should be like that, but the reality is that i cant play those and i cant be a role model who’ll teach her to play that…..
I still do gym, i think this is the only “manly thing” i do…. but i always get exhausted there earlier than anyone, also i’m always lazy to go to the gym….. If i’m good at gym maybe i can invite her to work out together, but the reality is that i cant as im not good at it…. I dont wanna be a boring guy that she cant rely on….. Even her little brother who’s in high school plays basketball and hangs out with her friends…..
Should i start being more diligent now? Like before i get compared with other guys, i should hurry and cover my weak spots….
Also i feel like i need to be able to think more “intelligently”, like i need to think in a bigger scale and not only to focus on a corner (the negatives)
I rarely hang out with anyone, as i have little friends … and im too accustomed with being isolated (being alone)….
I also still think about the guy that her aunt suggests, like i keep imagining “what if im a few months late, maybe that guy will chase first”….. Do u think its pointless for me to think like this?
Also one thing i noticed when im on holiday few days ago is that i didnt feel isolated like in my daily life… Because in that trip there are 12 people…. my family, with my aunt’s family and my mom’s friend family….. and for a whole week we always went together and keep talking…. i never felt like that in my daily life, i feel happy that my surroundings are not quiet and because there are much things to do (sightseeing, eating, google maps along the way) and people to talk to (like my cousins) i overthink less…… And now im back from holidays, im back to my isolated routine…… Well it’s not that im overthinking now, it’s just that i prefer being in a not-quiet environment with people i enjoy and connect with…
January 3, 2023 at 5:42 am #413101AnonymousGuestDear Eric:
Happy New Year back to you, you are welcome, and thank you for the good wishes!
“Turns out you are right, I’m overthinking things: she didn’t intentionally reply to me late that time, she was really busy.. stressed, so she couldn’t reply to me fast“- remember this the next time she replies late.
“Yesterday I went out with her… she acted normally.. very loving towards me, like usual. But at that stressed period of hers, she really acts very, very differently, like I don’t feel any attention from her“- it is unrealistic to expect her (or any person) to act the same all the time. Accept and Expect that she will act differently when she is stressed.
“I asked her: am I disturbing you by texting you every day? and she told me that she likes it that way, she likes it if I contact her daily, but.. that if she’s busy she might reply late“- I like it that you asked her in regard to texting her every day. When she replies to you late next time, remember that she told you (that if she’s busy, she might reply late).
“She also likes it if I hold her hands and hug her every time we meet each other on our dates“- this is wonderful, it makes me smile!
“I have that anxious attachment style. I’m reading tips on how to reduce it“- how about getting either The Attachment Theory Workbook, and/ or The Mindfulness Workbook For Anxiety. There will be more than just tips in these workbooks. These workbooks may help you a whole lot.
“when I realize at that time that I was overthinking things, that she intentionally replied late, I want to make sure that I won’t act angry like that again”- in what ways did you act angry at her before?
“but still that habit will still exist, like I will still overthink if she replies late, it’s just that I can think more positively now than before” – a workbook on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help you think more positively and realistically.
“Yesterday she told me there is another guy who text her… she doesn’t want to be with him, she wants to be with me… I know u said that there are guys who feel happy that if the girl has options but still chooses them, but it’s hard for me to feel joy if there are potential rival“- you can ask her kindly to not tell you about guys texting her.
“I feel like I’m not too manly, like I always keep asking her ‘what do u wanna have for dinner today?‘ and she always answers ‘anything is fine, I’ll follow‘, like I need to be the man and decide for her, not asking her“- instead of asking her what she wants to eat (an open question), and instead of choosing for her, you can ask her something like: what would you like to eat tonight: pizza or fish? (you give her a specific choice to make).
“I don’t have a specific hobby… If I was good at gym maybe I could invite her to work out together, but the reality is that I can’t as I’m not good at it… Should I start being more diligent now?“- being more diligent in the gym is a good idea for your own health and confidence. Find a workout that fits you personally, so that you can get better at it.
“I’m too accustomed with being isolated (being alone)… I feel happy that my surroundings are not quiet.. and when there are people to talk to (like my cousins), I overthink less. And now I’m back from holidays, I’m back to my isolated routine. Well it’s not that I’m overthinking now, it’s just that I prefer being in a none-quiet environment with people I enjoy and connect with“- you learned this about yourself and it is an important piece of information: you need a more interactive environment in your daily life. I hope that you find a way to make it happen: if not now, then sometime later in this brand new year!
anita
January 3, 2023 at 5:46 am #413102AnonymousGuestre-submitted:
Dear Eric:
Happy New Year back to you, you are welcome, and thank you for the good wishes!
“Turns out you are right, I’m overthinking things: she didn’t intentionally reply to me late that time, she was really busy.. stressed, so she couldn’t reply to me fast“- remember this the next time she replies late.
“Yesterday I went out with her… she acted normally.. very loving towards me, like usual. But at that stressed period of hers, she really acts very, very differently, like I don’t feel any attention from her“- it is unrealistic to expect her (or any person) to act the same all the time. Accept and Expect that she will act differently when she is stressed.
“I asked her: am I disturbing you by texting you every day? and she told me that she likes it that way, she likes it if I contact her daily, but.. that if she’s busy she might reply late“- I like it that you asked her in regard to texting her every day. When she replies to you late next time, remember that she told you (that if she’s busy, she might reply late).
“She also likes it if I hold her hands and hug her every time we meet each other on our dates“- this is wonderful, it makes me smile!
“I have that anxious attachment style. I’m reading tips on how to reduce it“- how about getting either The Attachment Theory Workbook, and/ or The Mindfulness Workbook For Anxiety. There will be more than just tips in these workbooks. These workbooks may help you a whole lot.
“when I realize at that time that I was overthinking things, that she intentionally replied late, I want to make sure that I won’t act angry like that again”- in what ways did you act angry at her before?
“but still that habit will still exist, like I will still overthink if she replies late, it’s just that I can think more positively now than before” – a workbook on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help you think more positively and realistically.
“Yesterday she told me there is another guy who text her… she doesn’t want to be with him, she wants to be with me… I know u said that there are guys who feel happy that if the girl has options but still chooses them, but it’s hard for me to feel joy if there are potential rival“- you can ask her kindly to not tell you about guys texting her.
“I feel like I’m not too manly, like I always keep asking her ‘what do u wanna have for dinner today?‘ and she always answers ‘anything is fine, I’ll follow‘, like I need to be the man and decide for her, not asking her“- instead of asking her what she wants to eat (an open question), and instead of choosing for her, you can ask her something like: what would you like to eat tonight: pizza or fish? (you give her a specific choice to make).
“I don’t have a specific hobby… If I was good at gym maybe I could invite her to work out together, but the reality is that I can’t as I’m not good at it… Should I start being more diligent now?“- being more diligent in the gym is a good idea for your own health and confidence. Find a workout that fits you personally, so that you can get better at it.
“I’m too accustomed with being isolated (being alone)… I feel happy that my surroundings are not quiet.. and when there are people to talk to (like my cousins), I overthink less. And now I’m back from holidays, I’m back to my isolated routine. Well it’s not that I’m overthinking now, it’s just that I prefer being in a none-quiet environment with people I enjoy and connect with“- you learned this about yourself and it is an important piece of information: you need a more interactive environment in your daily life. I hope that you find a way to make it happen: if not now, then sometime later in this brand new year!
anita
January 3, 2023 at 5:54 am #413103
HelcatParticipantHi Eric!
Long time no see! Happy New Year! I hope that you had a good holiday period?
Congratulations on getting a girlfriend! How are you enjoying the experience?
My opinion is that the traditional idea of alpha manliness is overrated. I think it’s really thoughtful that you as your partner what she wants to eat.
You have something different to other guys that is positive. You have a level of sensitivity and self-awareness. It would be a shame to hide who you are in pursuit of an idea of manliness.
Remember that I once said that women look for kind caring partners that listen and communicate. You are all of these things. Super proud of you for managing your emotions btw!
January 3, 2023 at 5:55 am #413104HelcatParticipant*ask
January 4, 2023 at 11:25 pm #413226AnonymousInactiveDear anita,
remember this the next time she replies late.
= yes i will, but what if she replies me late when she’s not busy… like for example she used to reply me in the morning before 12pm…. But she replies me late after 12pm… because i know she wont woke up that late…. Like she didnt prioritize my texts (as we texts daily)… i think its due to she lost her excitement in texing me… we’ve been texting each other everyday for 4 months…
How should i manage my emotions here?
because she avoids the guy who chases her by replying very late… and i dont want her to reply me late because she’s avoiding me…it is unrealistic to expect her (or any person) to act the same all the time. Accept and Expect that she will act differently when she is stressed
= how about if she acts differently when she is not stressed? Like she’s not avoiding me, but its like she’s not excited communicating with me (through texts)
I keep trying and trying to prevent her from being bored with me….
when I realize at that time that I was overthinking things, that she intentionally replied late, I want to make sure that I won’t act angry like that again”- in what ways did you act angry at her before?
= I didnt get angry directly at her, i unleash my anger while no one is looking…. Like i feel frustrated… “what mistakes did i do?”…. Did i reply her wrongly? Am i not good enough for her? Is she bored with me already?
When i feel frustrated i lost my mood in doing anything…. Like i barely smile….
instead of asking her what she wants to eat (an open question), and instead of choosing for her, you can ask her something like: what would you like to eat tonight: pizza or fish? (you give her a specific choice to make).
= i used to ask her this way, and the answer is still the same…. “Its up to you what to eat, i’ll just follow what u eat”
January 4, 2023 at 11:42 pm #413227AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
Welcome back and Happy new year!
I hope that you had a good holiday period?
= yes my holiday was pretty enjoyable….
Congratulations on getting a girlfriend! How are you enjoying the experience?
= thank you!
The experience really makes me feel up and down…. Like there are some days where im happy but there are also days that are very frustrating and i overthink a lot…. As im afraid she might leave me due to few guys chasing her and also because im not good enough for her… im also worried that she might get bored of me… But at the same time i also want to impress and make her happy… I really want to do my best for her…. Although sometimes i feel like she’s not giving me attention/not trying to impress me….
But i still prefer her personality than my previous crush (who i crushed on for many years)… i like her personality way way better….
I’m very very grateful that i met her…. She’s really a gem for me…You have something different to other guys that is positive. You have a level of sensitivity and self-awareness. It would be a shame to hide who you are in pursuit of an idea of manliness.
= Do i really have a good sensitivity and self awareness? Is it not one of my overthinking traits?
Super proud of you for managing your emotions btw!
= I’m trying my best to control my emotions, but sometimes i cant control it…. I dont want to do mistakes that is irreversible due to i cant manage my emotions…
I keep questioning myself whenever she replies me more late than usual…. Like i self-check myself, “did i make mistakes?”
January 5, 2023 at 1:07 am #413228AnonymousInactiveThis is just me sharing my thoughts
I just hope that things will turn out well with her… getting better day by day… and we can both improve our relationship….
I’m still very new to being in a relationship (although me and her arent officially a couple yet)… But i’m still learning through every mistakes i made…. I’m also doing my best everyday for her, i hope she wont rush and judge me too much…..
I dont want weakness to cause her to avoid/leave me….
I hope i can keep finding creative ways to enjoy relationship with her…. Because im running out of unique ideas to impress her….
I’ve been interacting with her for 4 months, and this is the 5th month…. And i dont want her to feel un enthusiast to meet me….
I hope she wont feel that im boring….. It’s hard for me to be an alpha male (lots of friends, good at sports, manly)…
I know some will say that i dont have to be an alpha male (just like what helcat said, and i’m thankful for it)… but still most girls like alpha male right? And if we wanna be with girls, we need to adapt with their needs….
I also dont want other people to also comment that she choses a “weak guy” or a guy that’s not good enough… this is why i keep trying hard to not make mistakes, and to be more alpha….
This girl’s love language is act of service….
She always looks up to her sister, and her sister has an alpha boyfriend (soon to be her husband)… i hope her sister and her boyfriend wont judge me too harsh….
In less than 3 weeks im going to eat dinner with her family… with her parents, little brother, sister and her sister’s boyfriend… i hope everything will go well in that dinner, and i hope i can communicate well there…. And her parents will be friendly with me too…. The last meeting was quite good, but her parents didnt talk with me a lot…. I hope they can be more friendly towards me…..
January 5, 2023 at 9:14 am #413238AnonymousGuestDear Eric:
“But what if she replies late when she’s not busy?“- she may reply late at times, not because she is busy, but because she doesn’t feel well or she is not in the mood. Is it okay with you if, at times, she doesn’t feel well or is not in the mood to text you?
“How about if she acts differently when she is not stressed?“- she will act differently not only when she is stressed, but also when she is tired, hungry, sick, sad, happy, worried, etc. I hope that it is okay with you that she doesn’t act the same, all the time. Is it?
anita
January 5, 2023 at 6:03 pm #413266AnonymousInactiveDear anita,
she may reply late at times, not because she is busy, but because she doesn’t feel well or she is not in the mood. Is it okay with you if, at times, she doesn’t feel well or is not in the mood to text you?
= Yes it’s fine by me, i just hope it is not due to her wanting to leave me…. Because replying text late intentionally could be the first step in leaving or lost of communication is it?
she will act differently not only when she is stressed, but also when she is tired, hungry, sick, sad, happy, worried, etc. I hope that it is okay with you that she doesn’t act the same, all the time. Is it?
= yes, do u think im demanding too much if i always expect her to act the same and texts me “happily” everyday? Because that’s what makes me feel reassured….
Also in about two weeks im going to have a family dinner with her parents on chinese new year eve…. Would u mind helping me with a list of questions to communicate with her parents/sister/brother/sister’s boyfriend?
January 5, 2023 at 10:26 pm #413276AnonymousInactiveContinuation to anita
I apologize if i‘m explaining in my obsession state again on the previous threads, and thank you for ignoring if it was an obsession….
January 6, 2023 at 10:03 am #413289AnonymousGuestDear Eric:
“do u think I’m demanding too much if I always expect her to act the same and text me ‘happily’ everyday? Because that’s what makes me feel reassured“- what makes you feel reassured is not good for her mental health because it is not only demanding, but terribly unfair to her to have to pretend to always feel the same: to always happily receive your texts and reply immediately, to always look and sound happy when she is around you, especially if she ends up being around you a lot. It would be distressing and exhausting for her, and it will make her sick.
Anytime she reassures you, it will calm you temporarily, but sooner than later, you will need another reassurance; similar to what I mentioned to you before, in regard to your itches (obsessions or worries) needing to be scratched.
“Also, in about two weeks I’m going to have a family dinner with her parents on Chinese new year eve. Would u mind helping me with a list of questions to communicate with her parents/sister/brother/sister’s boyfriend?“- at this point, I am reluctant to try and help you maintain and expand the relationship with her because I am afraid for her mental health.
I repeatedly suggested that you seek counseling/ psychotherapy or see a doctor for the purpose of healing and managing your “overthinking and insecurity” (your words, the title of this thread), but you refused to seek professional help. Most recently, I suggested that you get a workbook (The Attachment Theory Workbook, The Mindfulness Workbook For Anxiety), but you expressed no interest in it.
I really am sorry that you are suffering from overthinking and insecurity, I know how painful it is. But you are the one who is supposed to do something about it: to seek professional help or at the least, start your work in a self-help context (a workbook). It is not your girlfriend’s job to heal you (she can’t, no matter how hard she tries!), and it is not my job to heal you (I can’t no matter how hard I try…). It is your job, your responsibility. Otherwise, you will continue to suffer, and worse: you will cause your girlfriend to suffer unnecessarily.
anita
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