*Further Update*

Just returned from a short break as a family of 4 to Amsterdam, we didnt take our 3 yr old as there was a lot of walking and exploring.

Spent some time together and all still feels awkward as hell, the older boys have an inkling as to what is going on with us at the moment as well which we will need to address at some point.

We had our 2nd weekly couples counselling session last night, again a wave of emotions and negative thoughts are present.

My wife feels that I am constantly around as opposed to having our own things going on, like the gym or work things for me. I am just in a constant state of feeling out of control and emotional about our situation and I need to just be the best version of me and see if she wants to make an effort to turn toward me.

She feels that there is an issue with communication and initiative on my part and I am not happy at the lack of intimacy in our relationship. We have been here before and it feels to me that she doesnt want to focus on repair for fear of me slipping into old ways – being negative, defensive and letting her lead on everything. So for me she isnt fully out nor fully in and this doesnt seem to be right! I get that we are in a make or break situation for our marriage but surely she has to decide she either wants to try and work with me or make a decision to part ways. Floating between the 2 is just confusing to me or am I misreading or overanalyzing everything?

Please help?