Dear Tee,

Is that Romanian? Had to look it up but am still not sure…

Haha Yes

Oh I see, it was recent. What would they argue with you? That you shouldn’t take swimming classes because it’s dangerous?

My mom was scared because in past my little brother had an accident at the river but luckily saved. I was with him that time and I didn’t knew swimming either. So it’s like swimming and river are past fear for her..

Yeah, it does seem they are a little overprotective. I wonder how they’ve survived you leaving home at the age of 16 and living alone, if they are so worried about you even to this day? How did they even allow it?

Omg yeah It wasn’t easy! and they tried lot of things to make me stay. But I was really stubborn about it and figured every answer to their worries. And still, they’d call me every day for more than two months.

Yeah, and there might be a similarity with how your parents acted with you (and are still acting with you). Overprotective, trying to control you (although not succeeding), and doing it “for your own good”…

Oh you know what this could be right! 😂

Yes, it does seem like that… that you tend to behave in romantic relationships a little bit like your parents behave with you…

Yeah, need to break this pattern.

Yeah, it’s pretty destructive for the relationship if you see the person as “lacking” and try to make them “perfect”. The person feels not good enough, whereas you put yourself in a superior position, and basically judge and criticize them for “underperforming”. Of course, you can say it’s all with a good intention, “for their own good”, but it’s not a healthy, equal relationship.

Yes, and it makes them feel inferior which makes things even worse. Because they don’t feel much comfortable after that. Eg. “Share their true self” And as the comfort decreases, means the distance is just increasing. Right?

In a healthy relationship, we accept the person as they are – we don’t try to change them and mold them into something that we would like them to be. It doesn’t mean we need to tolerate and accept some of their bad habits, however fundamentally we don’t try to change the person to be something they are not. It’s like we look at them with love and acceptance, not with a measuring stick that says “not good enough”.

Yes I totally agree with you! But my critical self just tried to look what they can do better? Just like I did with myself.

Yeah, no wonder, because it’s like you’re in a war with the person, trying to make her do what you think is right for her, and she wouldn’t… And maybe you think she doesn’t love you if she resists, if she has different priorities and preferences than you? And so you conclude it’s not worth the trouble because things can’t be the way you want them to be?

Yeah so thing is that I did felt like they don’t care about me anymore because they don’t prioritize the same things. And after that I’m like well I’m doing this many things for them, I’m prioritizing them but If they don’t care why should I? I could be 10x colder than them (Crazy I know) and I did end my relationships in I’d say extreme anger. I felt it but I didn’t express that anger. I just wrote the letters that this isn’t working out and I don’t want it like this anymore. After that like we talked about “Emotional dependency”, And I feel like I don’t need anyone to depend on.

Yes, it seems some of your friends tell you you need to “play the game”, which makes it look like some kind of competition, like who is going to outsmart whom… Whereas a healthy relationship is not a competition, but a loving and supportive co-existence (or something like that, I can’t think of a better definition now).

Exactly! But I think it should be from both ways, right? It can’t work if I’m the only one being vulnerable and try to communicate clearly as possible. Or it could be same effect if I do that, But I think it depends.. I’m working on my heart shield, It doesn’t mean others wanna put out theirs

I imagine you haven’t had a healthy relationship so far, because of those emotional wounds and programming that stem from your childhood. So no wonder you fear more of the same… But what you’ve experienced so far isn’t what a true relationship looks like. Trust that you too can have a healthy relationship, but you’d need to heal some of your patterns before that’s possible.

I agree with you. You think I’m ready? Or I still need lot of healing even to start dating someone? I think now my goal should is being comfortable in dating first, So I don’t feel intimated quickly. You know what I mean? Also like just feel more confident around women and see all as equals.

Well, not particularly, I did get flowers from my husband. But we’ve never really paid attention to that date, so I don’t consider it important. But we do have a very good and strong relationship, and that’s what matters most

You’re right! I’m really happy for you 🤗

And I wanted to ask… We’re talking about already healthy and established relationship…
But what can I do for just start the dating? Because tbh I still feel very new to all these…
I mean like the learning the starting? Idk how to explain… Since relationships I had without distance was lot of years ago and I already knew those women well, and they proposed, but I think that time I was really naïve and I didn’t know what I was doing in the relationship.

It’s been few days I started to feel hopeless and inferior at work, Just mood swings like that. And I’m feeling this pressure to get back doing productive things, and for a short while I am productive, but I searched, and I found that mood swings like those could be sign of bipolar disorder but I’m not sure. It’s like for a time being I’m feeling really good and after few minutes I’m like what am I doing? And then feel hopeless. Or this kind of things happen to an optimistic person?