Hola Tee,

thanks, I am fine, my back is better again, so I feel good. Hoping that it will last… (a praying hands emoji)

Yaay! I hope it’s still getting better?

That’s fantastic, SereneWolf, and it means so much! That they give you the freedom to do it your way, if you find it better. So it’s not like receiving top-down orders, which you need to follow, but they give you a degree of freedom and independence. Which is exactly what you cherish, isn’t it?

Yes Exactly, and I’m good at making various processes much more efficient so now more time on my hands and things get easy for them as well 😌

Yeah, I know what you mean. They wanted you to study in that field, and you wanted to please them. You tried, but it wasn’t working out. It’s good that you decided to put a stop on it eventually. Even if it meant hard decisions, like getting a job and supporting yourself.

But you’ve managed to make up for it all: you’ve earned your Bachelor’s and now you’re doing a Masters in the field you like. So it all turned out well…

Yes and even after all this I know that I’ve been through a lot I managed lot obstacles in the past and I’ve been very resilient. Yet still kinda this empty feeling in my chest of not good enough or whatever it is

Hehe, well, your inner critic is very similar to your father. It is your father’s internalized voice. But you know, it’s a good sign that you can be proud of yourself (you just said you’re proud of getting an assistant). It’s a sign that your inner critic couldn’t spoil the party – couldn’t tell you “so what?”, or “big deal”. Seems you are getting out of its grip, which is a very good development!

Haha I really hope I’m getting out of that grip. Like It’s been really hard for me get impressed with something or it’s my dopamine levels?

Okay…. was it like a date? I must admit, it got me worried a little that now you’ll go into the opposite extreme of being open and receptive to everyone, without discernment. And kind of “try to understand” this girl, who might have anger issues… which might not be the best predictor for a healthy relationship. I mean, in case you are considering dating her…

Sorry if I am preaching, I just wanted to say that you don’t need to like everybody, you don’t need to suddenly drop all judgment. In fact, the ideal would be not to be judgmental, but to still have discernment. Anyway, I felt the need to mention it, just in case 🙂

Haha no, It wasn’t like a date, But thanks for the heads up though, Even though at first it did seem like so, Because she did said some things like that. Like how good I am and I’m the greenest flag she ever met but I told her my relationship situation. So after that she was talking about her fears and work life etc.

But I am thinking about going on dates though. It’s been like more than a month that I’m at my hometown. So it’s time to move, I’ll move to another city with better weather in May.

Good to hear that you don’t have the urge to fix the person. You can simply observe and see whether they are (in this case, whether she is) compatible. If you like her and don’t feel like changing anything major on her, that’s a good sign.

Yup no urge to fix. I wasn’t even suggesting her what to do. But yeah, she’s definitely not someone that I’d like for a relationship. And She smokes so I’d think twice to even procced anything casual with her.

Was the doctor comparing the kids? Was he/she shaming those who are e.g. shorter and skinnier?

There was a nurse, She was comparing. They have to measure weight and height of the kids and note those things down. And two brothers was really overweight that the weight scale wasn’t enough for them so she made fun of them and all the kids were laughing at them. I got so much angry but I didn’t want to disrespect a woman inside a hospital there so I controlled myself and stayed calm.

It seems to me that this event (of kids being compared and possibly shamed?) re-opened a wound in you: that of being compared to others, not just by your parents but the entire society (it wasn’t only my parents, environment around me did play a big part as well. And I think it’s a huge societal issue).

And this maybe triggered a feeling of helplessness? Which made you ask yourself: What do I event want from life?

Because my guess is that the pain of being compared to others, which you re-experienced today, made you slip into the old false belief, which might go something like “There is no point in trying, I’ll never be good enough anyway”. And then in that state of hopelessness, you started questioning what you even want from life, because you suddenly felt weak to go for your dreams… Is this what perhaps happened?

I guess yeah maybe that’s what happened, I need to feel excitement for life again, Because there are just so many fascinating things out there

Yes, because the core wound (of not feeling good enough) is still there…

You sure, in the long run this wound heals? Or it doesn’t? And what would be the most effective thing for this? Because this generational trauma is starting to take toll on me.

Ciao Tee,

Ahh, right now my back pain has flared up again for no apparent reason, so I am not happy about it and kind of confused. My worry and anxiety want to creep in, but I am managing to keep them at bay. It’s like I see the emotion coming, like wanting to breaking down and cry, but I don’t let it take over. I stop myself from going down that path again… So we’ll see. It’s challenging, but I don’t feel totally hopeless and depressed, like last year, for example.

You’re quite emotionally strong and I admire your resilience to keep moving forward and managing this health anxiety. I hope it pays off.

Yeah, because you’ve been hearing all your childhood (and beyond) “look at him, why can’t you do better”. And you were only awarded for being the best in class – anything else was “not good enough”. So yeah, that’s the programming you grew up with. No wonder it led you to comparing yourself to others, wanting to compete, always feeling worse than others.

Yes that’s true. But let me tell you something, just today I went to visit kindergarten with my sister and cousin, It’s mainly health checkup day for kids. But even there what I see? Comparison. Literally even for their body not just their smartness. And I felt the same, it wasn’t only my parents, environment around me did play a big part as well.  And I think it’s a huge societal issue, people support people who’s already capable but doesn’t want lift other’s up when they don’t see a potential in them. How pitiful world is turning into??

It’s good to hear that you can stay in the present moment more, without the need to project into the future what you should achieve, and then immediately worrying that you’ll fail. That was really exhausting!

I am happy you can stay in the present moment more, and appreciate what you’ve achieved so far. You may want to give yourself an imaginary (or real 🙂 ) pat on the back, because you have achieved a lot. Good that you are slowly recognizing it:

Haha yeah I did gave a pat the back. But still learning I’ve found out this day and age being in the present is one of the hardest thing to do

Yes, absolutely! Starting from facing the lion at the country road 🙂 to being locked down in a container at an industrial complex, to living on your own since 16 years old, to finishing your degree and working in parallel, to being the youngest manager at your previous workplace, to many other successes… So yes, SereneWolf, you are incredibly resilient, and resourceful, I’d say!

Thanks for the reminder! I appreciate it. But just today I have this uneasy feeling like fr what the heck do I actually want from life? I took a pen and journal notebook but still couldn’t figure out

Because of the same reason as above: because we were not praised for our achievements, but were punished for even the smallest mistake. And that hurt a lot…

Yes that’s why even good and proud moments feels dull sometimes

Hey Tee,
How you been doing? Feeling better?

Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been busy with onboarding process and meetings and I’m actually quite more confident now than before. Team seems really supportive, Even my manager.

I’ve watched the video of “How to stop comparing yourself with others” as you suggested and it’s definitely insightful. I was mainly worried about the competition and that’s why I had scarcity mindset, Maybe still a little.
I’ve also understood  that my goal is not to being better than everyone and somewhere my subconscious does believed that.
But because of this video and like you also told me in a recent post I am in touch with myself so I’m not comparing myself to others like I did before…

I also wanted to share a thing that I read on my feed few days ago and it was according to this thread title, Like why I feel like time is passing too fast and one of the reason is even though I was longing for novelty there was no novelty. But now there is. and another thing is being in the present moment I was constantly  anxious/worried about the future if I’d be able to achieve my goals and that constant anxiety of what if I fail.

I mean, it’s okay to plan and think about what needs to be done next, but if you approach it with this pressure and already feeling like a failure (my mind is being very doubtful about if I’ll be able to do those things), you are in the “I am not good enough” mindset. “I am a failure” mindset. And the inner critic has stolen your success!

That’s the thing!  I do feel pressure that there are lot of choices and then my head goes go only for the best one, I kind of need to tell myself time to time that I’m strong enough I faced lot of things, so just not be worried about taking the wrong decision. because you know taking any decision also takes up lot of energy and give us anxiety.

There is a saying in the Bible “Let no man take your crown”. Your inner critic is trying to take away your crown: your victory, your success, your achievements…. Please be aware of that, be aware of this tendency to minimize your successes and achievements, and to criticize yourself for not achieving even more.

That’s a good saying. And I was thinking like how much I’m underestimating myself most of the time because of (maybe low self esteem). In my life I can count lot of successes from all these years but yet what I’m remembering? not those. I’m remembering what things I did wrong. and why it is like that we don’t feel joy longer for our successes but we feel pain for even smaller failure for extended periods?

Hi Tee,

I combined the both parts of relationships…

Yes, I can imagine. If you believe that others will hurt you and that you can actually do pretty well alone, then sure, I see why you didn’t want to build relationships, not only romantic but friendships either, if I understood you well? Btw, did you have close friends as a child?

Yes only one but even with him there was different kind of communication mostly we would just play with each other and just talk about crazy ideas and we were both brilliant students.

Yeah, your lack of trust has developed gradually, with your parents (and I guess other adults too, like your grandfather?), in your childhood. And it remained a blueprint for how you view all other relationships. Even if you meet kind and loving people, your core belief (“I cannot trust people”) will be still working in your subconscious and will make you guarded and cautious.

I thought about it and I think it’s that feeling like unconditional love doesn’t exist so they must be need me for something that’s why they’re being nice.etc

Right. That means your intention is pure, and you have no expectations from the person to “pay you back”. Perhaps what you’ve experienced in your childhood is some kind of manipulation/transactionality, either on your own skin or in your family? That people would only help each other if they saw personal gain in it?

I guess I did hear things like that in my teenage like “people are just there for their means” and even I saw things like that in adult life too.

I guess that in that relationship too, you didn’t dare to show your own vulnerability, your own weaknesses, but you (actually both of you) were focusing mostly on her weaknesses, right? Like, she was the “project” that you were working on, and it wasn’t coming along well. And so you were getting frustrated, and she was feeling guilty etc etc.

Yes you put it in the right words. We did take it like a “project”

Even if you’d like to trust her, I think you still don’t trust her. Because the false core belief (“I cannot trust others”, or “Other people will hurt me”) is still active…

At friendship level I do trust lately I found that it’s really easy for me to make friends. I made two friends and much younger than me and both are quite understanding and mature and I’m trying to be more vulnerable with them since they don’t shy away to be vulnerable with me. But when it comes to romantic relationships that’s where trust is no more

Would to “let loose” mean to get “madly” in love, which means you’d become too distracted and not able to function properly?

It seems you believe that if you fall in love, you’ll be too vulnerable, too distressed, not focused enough, and they’ll be able to prevent you from even reaching your goals, your career goals etc. Like, that the person you love will prevent you from reaching your goals and dreams. Could it be it?

 

Kind of yes because I noticed that I always loved hard. I haven’t been taught to love in a soft way. And that’s why it hurts more too. That’s why just another day we were talking and I told my friend it’s better to be in serious relationship after I reach a certain life and career goals that I have.

I am just thinking… betrayal of trust can happen if we open up and show vulnerability, and the other person ridicules us, shames us or uses it against us. Or it can happen if they promise us something and never deliver. And I guess it can also happen if they shame us and criticize us all the time (like your father and my mother did), and we can never trust that they wouldn’t hurt us. I wonder if any of these reasons resonate with you?

Hmm I think “they promise us something and never deliver” this have happened many times in my previous relationship. But later on I told myself some people just don’t change why I’m giving too many chances.

What prompted you to do that?

Because I did started to like her and I got scared that what if I attached to her?

Are you still FWB, if I may ask?

Not really. We just had a meal together, went to the museum and a just cheek kisses.

As in: nothing is wrong with the girl, but you still don’t want it. At least this is what I’m hearing…

And that’s how fear works: it is irrational, it’s not based on our current reality, but on our old wounding. And it overpowers us…

I think yeah we can say that.

I hear what you’re saying, but it actually carries in itself a false belief: that if you focus on your career, you can’t be in a committed relationship. That those two are mutually exclusive. That love and career don’t mix, i.e. that they are in competition with each other. If that were true, then married people, or people in committed relationships, wouldn’t be able to have successful careers at all.

You do have a good point but where I come from it’s like a mindset like mostly on guys have the pressure to do something for women they don’t have high hopes or put pressure to be something like yeah she can always find a rich husband but a for a guy, he got to be something good. I do believe in equality but it’s the environment around me.

Actually, it might be a good exercise to journal about this: “If I fall in love, then….” Write down everything that comes to mind. What would you lose, or what kind of setbacks you believe you would experience if you fell in love. Maybe it will help you to get to the bottom of your fear…

Ohh that’s very good idea, Thanks! I’ll take time for this and write down and see what comes in my mind.

Bonjour Tee,

How are you doing?

First of all, I’m really happy because I finally got the job! And in sustainability sector, Something that I’m passionate about, And fully remote, and very well paid!
I’m just really grateful!!!

Although because it’s been so damn long my mind just giving me doubts and fears even though I finally did it so I’m not able to celebrate it with all my senses!

Thank you for your understanding, you are very kind. I did feel guilty multiple times for not responding, but I felt so paralyzed. But when you wrote last week, I sort of woke up and told myself “come on, enough of this self-pitying, it’s time to reply!” So thank you, you helped me wake up from my slumber 🙂

Ohh Thanks I’m glad! You were and are still helping me throughout my mental health so at least I’m able to help a little haha

Thanks, yeah, those are some real challenges, both health-wise and career-wise. But yeah, I hope I’ll be able to keep defrosting 🙂

I understand but I think if you’ll fight with both it won’t be that effective imo. So what do you think what would happen if you only have choice to focus on one thing instead of both?

Oh, so you broke up? Would you like to share some more, like how it happened?

Well it’s not like we were in relationship to begin with… I was already trying to detach myself and spend much less time with her and then she got promoted and she had a choice of two cities and she chose another city.  But we’re still in touch. We talk sometimes. And when she was in the city few weeks, we did spend some time together.

But I think you will only be ready once you heal those fears and lack of trust in people. So my advice is to work on your relationship fears as well, don’t just focus on your career. Because focusing only on your career is an avoidance strategy too. It’s easier for you. But it’s not helping, on the long-run…

Yes you’re right but the thing is career is like a important for financial security so obviously I’m gonna give priority to that. And just few days ago one of my friend told me something that really struck me. So when I moved to new place even there this stray cat started coming and I started feeding but it’s been more than 2 months and my friend asked me what did you named her?? I was like why name?? And then she was like you’re so scared of attachment you’re not giving cat a name! I’m not telling you possess her. You’re way into detachment.

And then I was thinking I’m practicing detachment because I have a fear of getting attached or it’s something else?

Yeah, I hear you. I know this dichotomy very well: on the cognitive level, you know you are good enough and you try to be positive. But deeper, emotionally, on the inner child level, you feel helpless and alone. And losing hope, sometimes. For me, this hopelessness and helplessness got activated with my back injury and other health issues. That triggered it, but I’ve realized this feeling was always in me, only I wasn’t aware of it. And now it came to the surface. And there is no other way but to tackle it…

I know right it’s like that underlying pain. And then that smile we trying to have feels kind of less genuine.

I’ve just dug up a youtube video on negative core beliefs, by my favorite online therapist, Barbara Heffernan. There is a link to the pdf file below the video, where she explains how to transform those beliefs. The video is titled “Core Beliefs CBT“. Highly recommended. I’ve just done the exercise in the pdf file, for transforming the core beliefs. Let me know if you’ve tried it.

Thanks for sharing I’ll watch it and let you know.

I am sorry you’re not seeing your therapist any more. Is she still having problems with her eyes?

Yes and recently grandson in the family so she’s giving all her time to daughter and lil baby.

No, I can’t think of myself as reckless. I don’t think my inner child ever wanted to be reckless 🙂 But it would be nice to “just do it”, without too much rumination. And I wouldn’t do reckless things, but good things, things that I love. So perhaps a curious child, enthusiastic child, would be a better fit 🙂 But thanks for the idea to involve my inner child in her “original form”, while she was still not frightened and stifled by my mother’s programming. I like it, I’ll see if it works…

Right! Enthusiastic and curious are better choice of words. Let me know if it works

Yes! Discovering our false beliefs and then counteracting them is super powerful. I’ve just learned from Barbara Heffernan’s video that our core beliefs don’t reside in our cognitive brain, but in our limbic brain. That’s why we can’t overwrite them by simply thinking positively. We need to dig deeper into our old emotional experiences and re-write them as well… and that’s what her method should help in.

Oh I see, That’s why it hasn’t been easy.

Hi Tee,

ehhh I know, it’s been a long time, and I’ve disappeared again 🙁

It’s mostly because of health issues, larger and smaller, which have been causing me health anxiety. It’s like I do have real health issues (I am not imagining it), but then my fear and worry about it make things worse. It occupies me, and it’s hard to focus on anything productive, including posting here on the forum.

So yeah, I am sorry for not responding and disappearing yet again… And I thank you for being so kind and checking in on me… I really appreciate it, SereneWolf.

It’s totally fine I can understand. I wanted to know if you’re getting better, but thanks for responding. I know your health issues aren’t easier, so I hope it gets better and I also hope that you get more courage and love over anxiety for your health.

How have you been?

I’m doing ok. Trying for my self-esteem issues and love myself more. But I believe I’m getting better. I’ve completely focused myself for my career. No situationships for now. Although my sister and brother-in-law kinda on a mission to find a girl for me and convince me to get married and I know their intention aren’t wrong and also started to tell me lot of good aspects from the right partner and marriage, so I’m not scared about marriage as I used to. Since I’m seeing a good thing about it. But I’ve told them only to start look for girls when I tell you that I’m ready. and they agreed.
And lately I do try to be grateful and positive within, yet I still feel alone and helpless and losing hope sometimes. But I’m still being resilient. I’m trying to listen to Inner positive voices like Krishna and Uncle Iroh like and try to feel like someone’s watching over me and they got my back and things will get better.

Hi Tee,

No, I live in an apartment building. I meant that in general: that rain is good for the crops out there in the fields 🙂

Oh I see, I agree though here I like the starting of the winter the cool breeze and lot of fresh green veggies available to cook

Yeah, I guess so. It’s my learned helplessness that was telling me differently. That’s what I’ve realized recently: that I adopted learned helplessness in many areas of my life (due to my childhood and upbringing), and it’s been a slow process to “unlearn” it. The most recent but long-lasting example is my health problems, which triggered a lot of my childhood trauma.

And it actually occurred to me that you’re the opposite of me in that sense: whereas my “modus operandi” is learned helplessness (believing that I am weak, and relying too much on other people to help me/save me), yours seems to be excessive self-reliance, to the point to pushing other people away. In other words, I am too needy, while you seem to be not needing anyone, or rather, not wanting to need anyone.

Oh I see, I didn’t know so thanks for sharing. Then how can same kind of wound could have opposite ends of spectrum? Also in my case excessive self-reliance is depleting my energy quickly and burning me out time to time yet still attacking my self-esteem. Like I’d be like I can do it no matter what and then when I’m not able to I blame myself subconsciously. Because in my head I’m like what others can do? I have to rely on myself to get things done.
Because my trust issues adds up in this as well. But we can change our “modus operandi” right? How you’re still coping with feeling helpless?

Both of those are defense mechanisms to a similar type of childhood wounding, but they are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. You had a very criticizing father and a mother who didn’t protect you, whereas for me it was a very criticizing mother and a father who didn’t protect me. Your mother and my father were more interested in keeping the “peace” in the house, while less interested in their child’s well-being.

My father was more interested in appeasing my mother, than in protecting me. He would minimize and try to explain away my mother’s behavior. He was gaslighting both himself and me that what is happening is not a big deal. I believe your mother was the same?

Yeah, I guess my mother thought peace in the family means more than my protection or my mental health and to be honest even now my parents aren’t much aware about like mental health is a thing. They think if you’re getting basic needs, you should be happier and kind of materialistic happiness. Because of the small village mentality. Also My mother did told me most of her life all she did is just calm my father’s anger because of relatives and other things going on. Which I think is very toxic on my father’s side. I wouldn’t be able to bear that behaviour any longer that’s why I started living on my own much earlier. I guess she just didn’t think about standing up for herself. Which could be the same case for your father?

Of course, when I was a child I didn’t know that my father’s silence meant that he isn’t able to confront my mother. Instead, I believed that I was the problem and that my mother is right. My father’s silence meant a confirmation that I was a faulty child, that something is wrong with me. So he was complicit in my mother’s emotional abuse. He was a silent bystander, even though he never personally treated me badly.

Anyway, I believe we got a double whammy of one abusive parent and the other silent/complicit. And it ruined our self-esteem, because the complicit parent didn’t protect us from the abusive one, and so the only message we’ve received was that we are bad and faulty. At least that’s the message I’ve received.

Yeah that’s right and I think main issue here is our ruined self-esteem as a result which isn’t easier to heal faster. So now that you are aware that you weren’t the faulty child yet it’s still rooted in you? That’s what you mean?
In my case luckily it’s not bad as before (But still) I do feel I have to achieve much more and I’m not good enough just yet.

You did say your mother was kind and caring in many instances, and so was my father (specially when it was just the two of us spending time together, going on holidays, hikes etc). But when it comes to confronting my mother about her behavior (both towards me and towards himself), my father was weak. And so her message (that I am not good enough) never got counter-balanced by something positive.

Yeah I think my mother’s behaviour was the same.

Maybe I am repeating myself because we’ve been talking about this before. But it is what I’ve been thinking recently – how our defense mechanisms are on the opposite sides of the spectrum. Me: too dependent and needy. You: too “independent” and not wanting to need anyone.

And it was not that hard for you to opt for total self-reliance – because you were quite capable and managed to get out unscathed from many tough situations/adventures, without needing your parents to save you. Which I guess strengthened the sense that you don’t need them and can manage on your own (in lot of situations I was alone and I saved my own self. There are some situations where people did helped me but still...)

So once you were old enough (around 16), you stopped relying on your parents for physical survival and sustenance, and you moved out. You didn’t need them for emotional sustenance either, because they’ve hurt you, each in their own way. The result is that you became totally self-reliant. (In comparison, I still felt like a child at 20, and couldn’t imagine to move out and live independently.)

It’s not a bad thing if we’re physically/financially self-reliant (that’s something we should actually strive for as adults – to be able to support ourselves). But your self-reliance stretches into the emotional realm too (But basically for relationship you’re right I’ve been hurt and I was alone so I thought just myself is enough). And this is giving you trouble now…

I agree with you. And the thing is that I never been taught to give relationships priority you know. That’s something I discovered after my earlier 20s that building relationships romantic or generally it’s really important. And the self-reliance fueled that wrong belief even more. And the funny part is that I have trust issues even though till now I’ve met like really kind, helpful and amazing people. Generally takes me long to trust in the person. But what I’m glad about is that I was never into transactional relationships like I’m only helping you just because you helped me. I always have this mindset of If I’m able to help someone then I’m going to help. I don’t want something in return.

But in previous romantic relationship part I was like a fixing figure so that also didn’t fulfilled me either so..

Oh talking about that you know that women are more likely to fall in love when she have sex with the same person? But for men it’s not the same. Doctor told me that 😂

I told her If she wants we can also stop physical things but she was like naah.. But anyways I guess we’re both little tired to find something more suitable for ourselves..

Well, trust has to be built. I was talking about the person having a track record of being trustworthy, e.g. of showing up when they’ve promised, of not laughing at you when you show vulnerability, of supporting you when something bad happens (e.g. when your cat died). After a while, you realize you can trust them that they won’t hurt you or betray you.

Hmm in that case I did meet mostly the nice women. Doctor is extra nice and sensitive though. But I did get your point. And the thing is I guess my senses are stronger in that regard if I’m around disrespectful and insensitive type of women I wouldn’t even think about going out with her or even act aloof when she tries to get along with me. But I guess I do have to try to meet more women not just for romantic relationship but to remove my shyness to ask out someone when I actually like them

Fast love can be infatuation – it’s when we have our rose-colored glasses on and idealize the person and fail to see the warning signs. But for you, I guess you’re afraid to fall in love – you are afraid to form an attachment to the person – because you are afraid they’d hurt you. I think that whenever we get attached to someone, we need something from them, and them disappearing from our lives would hurt us. So that’s a risk that you are not willing to take yet.

I think that’s why you don’t feel “fast love” – because you’re preventing yourself from falling in love, i.e. to form that attachment.

Ohh right definitely I am afraid of falling in love. It feels like I’m trying to protecting too much or like not letting it loose enough you know.. and I don’t think I need something from them. But more like fear of wasting time and not working out and just dull over the time you know. Because again I still have the fear that I’m not getting any younger

Yes, and you’re actually getting to know her, and based on what you said, she seems trustworthy. But your fear doesn’t let you start trusting her. It doesn’t let you fall in love with her either.

Hmm I guess so.. and I do trust her. But somehow I’m still not trusting in this relationship working out with her

Yes, it is 🙂 You’re seeing it clearly. Which is a good place to start healing 🙂

I’ve got some ideas why you have so much mistrust, and I think it’s related to your mother not really supporting you, but making allegiance with your father (excusing his abusive behavior, and telling you to be the mature one and tolerate abuse). So it was a kind of betrayal.

How do you feel about all this? We can explore it some more, if you feel like it…

To be honest I’m not sure if that’s the root cause it may be I don’t know… and yeah we can explore

Maybe she was actually jealous of your enthusiasm and didn’t like it? It wouldn’t be your fault, of course, but maybe she is intimidated by people who seem more confident and energetic than she is?

In any case, I am very sorry. It’s their loss not hiring you, because you would have been a great asset… But anyway, you’ll find something else, something close to your heart, and hopefully very soon!

She did seem intimidated but I couldn’t just hide my enthusiasm because I practiced a lot and I was just more hopeful so..

Yeah thanks I hope so.. I took few days of break for applying. I didn’t just felt like it. I started applying again though so let’s see.

Hi Tee,

How’s your week going?

It’s more rainy than I’d fancy, but it’s okay, it’s good for the plants and crops 🙂

Oh cool. You have like your own little farm that you grow crops in? what plants are there?

Yes, although with health anxiety it’s tricky because the pain is in the body, so sometimes it’s triggering to focus on one’s body and feel all the various sensations (which is a typical exercise for grounding), because then you’ll feel the pain too, and it’s counterproductive. So for me, it is more like self-suggestion and telling myself that I am stronger than I think, and that the last time the pain went away, so it will happen this time too.

Ah I see, that’s right triggering the feeling of pain ain’t easy. And you’re indeed much stronger than you think! No matter what your anxiety says to you.

Great! I am rooting for you to make it happen!

Thanks a lot 😀

You are very welcome. Yeah, self-worth is key, and that’s what gets damaged when we have a criticizing parent. Your father made you believe you’re not good enough (when you didn’t get straight As, when you didn’t get him the right tool immediately, and in many other occasions throughout your childhood), and so that’s what you started believing about yourself too. And it takes a long time and healing to undo that false belief…

Yes I guess because I’m self-aware about these things at later age it’s little bit harder because the roots are deeper

I am glad you’re aware of your skills, and how capable you are of learning new things, adapting, and thriving in a new setting. So yeah, don’t forget that. And indeed, that you’re an asset and have a lot to offer.

Yes I’m trying to believe that!

What I am trying to say is don’t immediately make the worst possible conclusion about yourself. Don’t question your worth, even if a company rejects you!

Well to be honest I’m not doing that consciously. Most of the time I’ve seen those emails I’d just ignore it. I be like yeah okay, there will be a good match soon. But I guess maybe it’s my subconscious.

First, I am happy if you started believing that you can find someone compatible, someone you can enjoy time together even in silence. That’s so precious! And if this girl is in that category, you’re lucky.

Well she is in that category. But I’m always questioning this like there is very slight chance that it would work out between us. Because I do like to spend time with her but she also scares me with her bold “commitment type” of moves sometimes 😂

It sounds like the fear of getting hurt, once you’ve given your heart to someone. When we love, we are vulnerable. We’ve talked about vulnerability before. Without vulnerability, there is no healthy relationship. There is no authenticity. But you fear to be vulnerable because if we’re hurt by someone we love and trust, it hurts a lot. It hurts like hell.

And you’ve already experienced this pain in your childhood: you’ve opened your heart and trusted your parents, and they’ve hurt you. Specially your father. And it happened again and again. So for you, being vulnerable and needing someone is a big no-no. Super scary. You want to prevent to be hurt again. Would you agree with this?

Hmm not really because I believe it’s not about getting hurt anymore. Because I don’t know I got this sense of strength that it is my heart and I’m able to heal my heart no matter what. Maybe my heart is rigid and I’m also sensitive occasionally but I know time and patience can heal heart. And because of this girl I don’t think I’m much scared about vulnerability either.

There are no guarantees in life. And no absolute security. When I get out in the street, who guarantees me that a brick won’t fall on my head? That I won’t be hit by a car? If we lived like that, we wouldn’t live at all.

But still, in a relationship, you can know if someone is trustworthy. It’s not so completely random. Because the person has a track record or supporting you and being there for you. If you marry someone, you don’t marry them at a whim, but because you’ve got to know the person. You’ve been vulnerable with them, and they’ve been vulnerable with you. And when problems arise, you communicate about it, you don’t pretend that everything is fine.

All this is still not a guarantee of “living happily ever after”, but it gives you a certain certainty, a higher probability of things working out.

You know what they say: nothing is ever certain in life, only death is. But within that general uncertainty, you can still count on some people and trust them – because they have proven themselves as trustworthy.

I agree with you. So what you mean is a process of trusting first and even for me in relationship trust comes first and after that, love. Maybe somewhere I still believe in fast love yet still have that feeling of security which isn’t right. My controlling behavior haha

And slow love, like getting to know the person, building trust and love based on that. It seems long process but there is actually much higher probability.

But because I was already in many unhealthy relationship dynamics even that seems questionable and time wasting to me. So in a way I’m craving a heathy love yet still exhausted to actually put in efforts for healthy love. Me, I’m the problem it’s me 😂

Retina is super important… I do hope she gets better. There are also vitamins she can take, to strengthen the retina, but I guess she knows all that…

I guess she’s already doing that but it what happened to her is more like genetic so..

Great! Were they physically dangerous situations (like watching the lioness give birth in the jungle), or other types of situations?

Yes. Physically and mentally dangerous both. I went to visit oil refinery with my uncle and they gave us VIP pass and my uncle was there for business matters so he was working and I was just curious checking things here and there was this giant pod they didn’t know I was in so they locked up. They couldn’t even hear if I scream. So I just sit there for an hour and after that looking around and see thing yellow printed sign for the location and pickup time was on the pod so I was like damn if I won’t hurry I’m going to dead because they lift up the pod with machines and it’s quite fast so much higher chances of me getting crushed inside the pod. But I calmed myself and there was this pointy rod thing I managed to remove it after like half house and sharp pointy rod can make much higher noise to an iron pod so, so that’s how they find out I was there 😂

And it happened with wild animals too… not giving birth (Because that is actually beautiful thing) but in Lion just sitting on the way when I was just riding my bicycle going back home. I wasn’t taking road but the farm area shortcuts because it was easier and faster. If you move too much around lion it would mean you’re a meal that’s it. So I literally waited like 3.5 hours just sitting there waiting him to move on his own and till then I was just sitting on my bicycle like a statue.

And lot of other normal work and school related things lol

You see how much hope (and trust) you had, even in dangerous, possibly life-threatening situations? I guess you had trust in yourself and your own abilities, and in providence, right?

At the same time, you are scared to trust another person. I am not judging you at all, just inviting you to notice it. You’re scared to trust because you’ve been hurt in your childhood. So trust in relationships is gone. Trust in nature (and your own abilities) is still there, but trust in another person is gone.

Yes exactly because in lot of situations I was alone and I saved my own self. There are some situations where people did helped me but still..

But basically for relationship you’re right I’ve been hurt and I was alone so I thought just myself is enough.

Yes you do. You’d only have to learn how to trust again…

Yes I know, I’m trying

Wishing you best of luck on Wednesday! (but we can talk in the meanwhile too, hope my eyes wills serve me 🙂 )

Thanks, and yes my interview went actually well. Beyond my expectations. I practiced a lot but she didn’t ask many things. but Still I don’t think I gave the best answers but more like satisfactory? Because the Technical interviewer had less energy and I was energetic, so I guess she did like that enthusiasm as well. but let’s see now. There will be another interview with Data scientist soon. But I’m still worried though.

You still having eye problems?  Is it getting any better?