Hi Helcat,
How are you finding meditation? I found it tough when I started a couple of years ago.

Same for me. I started with guided meditation first only with 5 minutes in the starting. Even currently I do 10 minutes after shower when I’m feeling fully fresh. Sometimes at the evening time without time limitation and let mind wonder to get the clear idea of what’s happening you know… It’s definitely helping for being mindful.

I also walk every day and meditate for 15 minutes twice a day. I like to do a 15 minute stretch routine I found on YouTube too. I find that all of these practices help to manage pain.

That’s good!

I’m being very careful with what I’m eating because I’ve been having stomach issues. I noticed that emotional difficulties pop up when I’m having difficulty digesting. The mind / body connection is very interesting!

Hmm interesting I’ll try to read more articles on this when I have some time

I find that keeping a gratitude journal helps with my mental health. Before evening meditation I try and list a few small good things that happened during the day. This helps me sleep and develops a positive attitude.

That’s great for me currently journaling is mostly depends on my mood when I feel like it I can write more than an hour and when I don’t, I just don’t but I’d prefer some consistency though. For Gratitude I’ve created gratitude prayer for things that I’m really grateful for and I really value. The first thing when I wake up is doing that prayer and at least for first 30 minutes not touching my phone. I also turn off Wi-Fi/data when I sleep, and I just only use it for some soothing instrumental music when I wake up in the morning.

Dear Tee,

Tomorrow is my first appointment…

Okay good, Be sure to update me.

Sure, and also, if you constantly feel the need to “improve” the person, pushing her to do this or that, she might feel she’s not good enough for you. She might feel criticized and judged, like she’s is with a strict parent, not an equal partner. So yes, more empathy and less control is key…

Yes you said so well

Good! So if she complains about something, first listen and empathize. Only then offer advice

Yes, that’s what I’m doing. With lot of communication even with my friends and teammates

Do what feels right to you.

That’s what I believe in Yes

Absolutely – if you feel you’re not ready for marriage, don’t do it. And yes, don’t settle for someone just because others are telling you it’s time to settle.

Yes I know when it’s time to settle.

Great! I am rooting for you!

Oh Thanks!

Well, you’ll see. You’ll need to spend some time together to see how she is in person. But don’t judge her by how tall she is or other physical features – her character and personality are much more important!

You’re right lowering/mute the critic inside me would be lot better.

And Today I had another therapy season.

She said I’m doing lot better than she expected 😌

Also I told her the things that I’m working on Empathy, compassion, Being Good enough for inner voice as well as treating child version of me with more love.etc

Yet she told me she feels like I still have rigid layer around my heart. I’m more sensitive but changing my root beliefs and believe and love myself in healthier will take some more time

And she gave me good example of window glass. What happens when you throw rock at the window glass? Not just that injure the people inside. Rigid things break easily. So let it at ease. Let it feel things let it be softer

She told me if you’re able to being kind with others it’s time to be kind with yourself too.

For that she suggested some Yoga and journaling but like in a way that I’m my own good friend she said it would also help for my compassion part as well

Also she said I still have to work on my root chakra little bit more. My sacral chakra looks already good. But still we’ll work on that and after that Solar plexus chakra which she said I will have put more focus on.

Dear Tee,

yes I’ve been to the doctor. I’ll have to go to physical therapy and hopefully that should help… it’s not that simple, but I am hoping that physical therapy will relieve the symptoms.

I see, I hope you’ll be alright and may you able to create the healing energy for your own self.

In fact, I am trying do something that makes me very anxious with respect to my career. But still, I want to try…

In a way that’s really a good step as well. So you should be proud of that. How is your freelancing journey going on?

Good that you haven’t pretended that much in your 2nd relationship. But you’ve mentioned that she saw you as quite critical, pushing her to do things quicker and faster (perhaps similar to how you’ve been pushing yourself?). And you were impatient because she wasn’t following your suggestions? Perhaps in your “brutal honesty”, you were lacking compassion? Again, lack of compassion for both yourself and for her as well?

Yes you analysed it right. I was projecting my things on her. Which wasn’t healthy. But I believe I did learn some compassion from her. She was trying for that but I wasn’t listening and just blindly driven

You’re welcome! Yes, take is slowly, step by step, and see what response you’re getting…

Yes for sure!

I got you. You fear commitment… do you think it’s because you never want to get  married (because it seems like a burden, loss of freedom, or something similar), or you don’t want to get stuck with someone who’s not right for you?

I want to get married. I know that because I love kids. But if I get married now I do fear loss of freedom and it’s just that I just have lot to do, still lot to see in this world, lot to accomplish. And another thing is that deep down I think it’s really hard to find the right person (Considering the current dating & relationship scenario). So better to wait… No need be in hurry for that.

So you want to be in a non-committed, casual relationship with someone who is afraid of commitment like you are? Someone who won’t force you to commit, but will just enjoy the time spent together but not want deeper (emotional) intimacy?

As per my situation 2 of my friends suggested me that. And it’s definitely new for me because I haven’t tried that before I know it’s really complex thing to do. Is there something in between relationship middle of casual and committed? 😆

I mean, you can do that, I am sure, but how fulfilling will it be? And what will you learn that way? In my opinion, getting into casual relationships can cause more trouble than good, so I wouldn’t use it for learning. Because it may come with a price, of being heart-broken, or even getting an STD (sorry for being “brutally honest”).

Well you’re right it would just make the heart feels empty one way or another. I believe in safe sex or even being tasted first, so rare to none chance for STD

So I wouldn’t take that route, but would rather take the lessons you’ve learned so far, and try to do it differently next time: take things slow, step by step. Open up with one vulnerable thing, and see how she reacts. Be more compassionate both toward yourself and towards her… So, apply the things that we’ve talked about already.

I’m still thinking about it too. Because one of the girl texted me to spend this weekend with her. To be honest at first, I was really tempted. But I do want to taking things slow and step by step as you said… So I told her for next week and maybe I’ll meet and see how things goes from there

And yeah, I’m working on my compassion and empathy as well 😊

Dear Tee,

How are you feeling today?

Have you already visited the doctor?

I like the quote, but it’s apparently not something that Buddha said, but Charlie Chaplin. I hope it’s still true

Lol I think I read it in some article like years ago since then I was like it’s Buddha who said this but thanks for clarifying

 kind general seems like a perfect candidate for a positive father figure

Yup Definitely. I love the way he mentors his nephew (Prince Zuko), My fav scene is when Uncle Iroh says to his nephew “IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO LOOK INWARD AND START ASKING YOURSELF THE BIG QUESTION: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?” because his Nephew wanted a validation and respect from his father (Fire Lord) so he thought The mission his father gave it’s his destiny, and he was working so hard towards it. So that’s why Uncle Iroh also tells him “THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A LIFE OF PEACE AND PROSPERITY.”

as long as you don’t put yourself in a high-risk situations, like climbing high mountains in winter, or climbing frozen waterfalls (an acquaintance of mine is doing just that!).

I think little risk taking is good for that adrenaline to go on sometimes. Just to makes me feel more alive. Climbing frozen waterfalls?? Well that does sound tricky. Have you tried anything like that before?

I wonder how safe and comfortable you felt in your previous relationships? I mean, did you feel you can be yourself completely or you felt you needed to pretend in some way?

I wouldn’t say 100% safe. Because I did had trust issues and I wouldn’t just open up to anyone. So it was like being comfortable as the time goes. But in my first relationship I did feel like I had to pretend the strong and understanding type in every way possible.

But being totally yourself in the starting is even possible? You know what I mean? It’s just not easy to describe

You talked about the pattern that you’ve noticed in yourself: that at first you might like her “a lot”, write poems etc, and then if she reciprocates, you get cold feet, i.e. you start feeling trapped. So if this is your pattern, you might end up moving on even if you really like the girl in the beginning. What I am trying to say that if you don’t work on your fear of intimacy, you might be repeating the same pattern again and again…

Right I know I have to work on my fear of intimacy.. maybe that’s why I don’t feel so deep in relationships? But like what could be other options available for me? I mean for experimentation like without being with someone how can I work on fear of intimacy? And it’s not like I’m already planning to find a life-partner. You can take this as like fear of commitment too 😆

Hm.. if I understood your pattern well, you get attached very quickly (writing poems etc), but then you get afraid of your attachment (and I guess your strong feelings for the girl), and you start feeling trapped. You don’t want to feel so dependent and needy, and so you start cooling down and distancing yourself? At least that’s how I understood you so far.

Ohh I haven’t thought of it this way… But it could be..

Hello Tee,

I’m having some health issues that have surfaced only recently, in the last couple of weeks or so, and which do worry me. I am looking for treatment options and hoping for the best. Please don’t ask me about the details, I don’t feel like sharing too much about it at this point. But thank you for inquiring about my well-being, I do appreciate it.

Oh I’m sorry to hear that. And it’s okay if you’re not comfortable about the details. Due to my reckless behaviour sometimes, I do have good experience about hospitals and treatments and one thing I strongly believe in is HOPE. And there’s always a way. So I hope you’ll be alright.

I am glad you found some peace of mind in that Henry Cloud’s video. Yes, you’re already doing a lot – realizing your issues, asking for help (both here and in therapy), and making concrete steps, practicing new things, slowly but surely changing your approach.

Yes I’m glad for that. I honestly believe things are working out for me and I can feel the change. Before I was holding tight on beliefs that I had which didn’t let me make progress even though I wanted to. But since I realized that having work on something doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, Not all are perfect and we all have to work on ourselves, improving. To be more Being You. So I highly appreciate you and all the people who helped and helping me for being ME.

What you need is to strengthen the compassionate, good parent part, who will tell the drill sergeant to back off. Who will protect you from his demands, his cruelty and his lack of empathy. You are already developing this compassionate part, and your goal is to strengthen it further.

So each time when you hear the voice telling you “this isn’t enough, this is so far from where you need to be, you need to speed things up, you’re such a disappointment…” – you need to tell him to BACK OFF. Like a good parent would protect his child from a bully, you need to protect yourself from this bully in your head. You need to stop listening to him.

If the army analogy resonates with you, you can even imagine that this empathic guy, who will put the drill sergeant in his place, is someone higher in rank (a colonel, lieutenant or general – if I understood the military ranks correctly). So a colonel might tell the drill sergeant to back off and leave you alone. Or, if you don’t like the military analogy, you can come up with another person you admire, who is a kind, warm and empathic father figure.

 

Thanks for the really good example and analogy. You’re right I think that would help a lot for strengthen my compassion.  I might have an idea for this. I watch a lot of anime so I’ll try to find a good guiding figure which I admire. (I’m thinking about Uncle Iroh from Avatar but I’ll research more)

But I wonder if you knew that they would be worried and went to explore anyway, or you thought there wouldn’t be any consequences? Or your curiosity was stronger and you couldn’t stop yourself, even if you knew your parents would be worried?

Hmm As far as I remember I think my curiosity was stronger. And for consequences I thought what can happen? I kind of had that confidence that I wouldn’t die and I’ll be saved no matter what

some spiritual teachings it’s called the expansive principle, which is necessary for growth. The problem is if we take it to the extreme by e.g. doing reckless things, which might endanger our life and our health. Or if we work ourselves to death and never rest, all in the name of  “expansion”, growth and excellence.

You see what I mean? Too much expansion can be bad… unless we balance it with self-care, nurturance, rest, tending to what we have, rather than thinking of new acquisitions all the time. This other principle is called the contracting principle, and it’s a necessary force in the universe, otherwise things would blow apart. We are in harmony when both principles are in harmony within us, neither of them overly dominating. Alright, maybe this is too much philosophy, but I am mentioning it anyway, in case you find it helpful…

 

That’s really interesting and indeed a good balance example. I actually love philosophy so don’t worry haha.. I’ll research for those terms in details because I do frequently think about the new acquisitions otherwise, I feel like I’m behind and not learning or doing enough

That’s sweet! Just give her (or leave her) some food, she’ll sure come again!

She’s mostly spending her time at my place anyways haha. Currently she’s sleeping on my lap.

Were you talking to her while you were in a LDR with another girl?

No.

You’ve mentioned some problems in your current LDR – are you still with that girl?

No, I think you misunderstood. I also limited that relationship only for friendship. Because after giving a thought I want a more physical relationship not where I have to spend much time on texting but doing activities together. But Nowadays I’m just more focused with my career too. But I’m thinking about starting dating. I think I need that otherwise I’d be just too introvert around woman face to face. And another thing is that LDR or In-Person relationships I’ve never proposed any woman so…

Hi Tee,
How are you?

So today in my YouTube dashboard One of the Henry Cloud’s video showed up and It really lightened me up. “These Stages Will Help You Change Emotionally Unhealthy Patterns” in this video I’ve realize one of the things about my impatience.
In that he talks about that Realizing that you need to work on your emotional health and you’re already within the supportive group (Thanks to you as well) Which makes You already way down the road. It’s a progress and he gives an example about an oak tree. Like we can’t directly grow a tree. So we have to surrender to the progress first. Planting the seed, taking care and gardening.etc
Which helps for quickly and “NOW” pressure.

 where he said that unless we don’t change anything in our routine, what difference will a flip of the calendar make?  

So True and since we’re habitual creatures it’s not easy to change habits without good enough reason

When is it the hardest for you to be compassionate with yourself? Maybe if you can give me an example?

Hmm I’m not sure about this. And To be honest I don’t have an actual idea how to be really compassionate with myself because most of the time I put other’s need first, Even though I know that this isn’t good for me. Also sometimes I need answers to questions going on my head right away even though it’s a complex questions. Which makes me overthinking and criticizing myself even more.

Remember that you told me about making mistakes? so yeah it’s also there as well
But the some of the things does helping me that I’m trying
Like treating myself like I’m my own best friend

Being Mindful
And I’m not in need of validation from others

So if I understood you well, you are action-oriented and strive to implement new things ASAP, without too much thinking about it and analyzing it in advance, because if you do, you’ll end up overthinking and it will drain your energy. Is this what you’re saying? So you just plunge into it right away, and see what happens?

I do analyze it like a quick analysis and implement it

I want to learn how to be a great leader by the end of the month, and I need to introduce the employee’s feedback box and all these other novelties, because that should help me become a great leader in 30 days” – well that would be putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I don’t know what your attitude is, but perhaps it’s something similar to the latter?

Yes I know that well that being a great leader takes time. But even though in few months I feel like I worked a lot on my soft skills I’m still not proud of myself and still wanting more and more… You know what I mean?

You’re kind of curious and relaxed about the outcome.

This is what I’m trying for yet still sometimes even though I’m sure that it’s not a big deal still I get worried little things for no reason

And too afraid indeed, because you weren’t trying to do anything dangerous or reckless,

Okay so about that, I was doing some things in my childhood that my parents considered reckless. Eg. Skipping my primary school classes sometimes to see lion in the green fields of my village. Or just foxes or deer. But with group of people obviously not all alone. Because It was really exciting for me. I’ve literally seen how lioness gave birth to a lion cub and I still remember that moment vividly.
Another time I was crazy enough to walk down on the unknown road for 12kms just because I wanted to find out where it goes because there wasn’t any sign and I asked one man there what’s there and he laughed and told me why you don’t find out? because I don’ know, So I walked but luckily at the evening time another man from my village was there and he got me back home safely.

My father was furious, and my mom was crying. = more restrictions for me

I was around 8-9 years old that time.

I can relate because my mother refused to buy me a bike, because she was afraid I’d get overrun by a car… And so I’ve never learned how to ride a bike in my childhood, and it got ever more difficult as I got older. I did try it as an adult but never got good at bike riding… because of my mother’s fears.

Oh same thing happened to me for motorcycle. I was last of my siblings to learn a motorcycle because my father was like you can’t learn as your little brother did. My little brother also learned car driving and I’m still not motivated enough to learn driving a car.

But yeah one thing I excel is bicycling. I love it. It gives me more fun vibes. I still listen to classic songs wearing earphones and go for a bicycle ride instead of evening walk sometimes. So if you want you can try to learn again

My mother was certainly like that, and I myself was quite an anxious child too, so I stayed by my mother’s side rather than venturing out to explore the world…

And what about now? Now you have curiosity to explore or you’re already tired?

Luckily, you were a different type. You didn’t allow yourself to get intimidated by them. You ventured out on your own, and dared to try many new things.

Haha yeah one thing I’m proud of!

I wonder if the push to always try new things and never give yourself a break is in part related to your fear of being “subdued” and made dependent/controlled by your parents? A subconscious fear that if you don’t keep moving, they’ll catch up with you and “restrain” you and you’ll lose your freedom?

Hmm I’m not actually worried about losing my freedom because I’m really independent now and my parents knows well about my freedom mindset. But maybe I still have to look deeper about what I’m grateful for and actually be happy about it. Instead of running for one goal to another.

Also another things I want to tell you

One little kitten started to come to my place frequently so she’s kind of my pet now. Even though I don’t know much about taking care of cats I’m loving this 😀

Another thing, So There’s this girl, few months ago and she wanted to be in relationship with me and I told her no and after that we were just talking sometimes. Like two times a week or even less. Nothing Romantic.
But since she told me she found a boyfriend I don’t know why I feel confused. I mean I know well why I told her no because I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I don’t know that why is it happening like it’s the intimacy that I’m craving or it’s just sexual frustration or something else?

Hi Tee!
Sending the warmest wishes for a wonderful new year with good luck and great adventures! Have a sparkling Happy New Year 2023! 🤗🌟🙏

an acquaintance of mine has hypothyroidism because his thyroid is physically too small. He doesn’t have Hashimo (i.e. the structure of the gland is fine), but it is simply too small to produce enough hormone. And so he needs to take supplementation.

Right I got what you mean. I’ve talked to my doctor he told me that for Hashimoto or Hypothyroidism both have the same hormone supplements. And as per my levels he said I have Hypothyroidism. But to be reassured I can take the ultrasound test so I’ll take the test later on.

perhaps you fear they would judge you again?

I guess but I don’t want this fear because it’s limiting fear

But even if they aren’t judgmental anymore, it is your inner critic that is judging you for not being good enough, for not meeting your own expectations as quickly as possible.

This is so true because of my impatience

 However, I think that a part of your motivation comes from the feeling of not being good enough, i.e. the inner critical voice is pushing you to master all these skills as soon as possible. Which is making you feel overwhelmed and lagging behind.

Again right but I talked about this with a friend and she told me that striving to be better ain’t wrong just being self-compassionate along is what should I do…

it seems to me that a part of your motivation for learning stems from not wanting to disappoint your parents. Would you say that’s true?

Hmm for this I’d say that I’m not sure. But could be the root cause because Since teenage Most of the time my expectations are higher from myself first.