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SereneWolf

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  • #427951
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    I hope you’re in good health. Just wanted to check in.

    #424781
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

     

    No, I live in an apartment building. I meant that in general: that rain is good for the crops out there in the fields 🙂

    Oh I see, I agree though here I like the starting of the winter the cool breeze and lot of fresh green veggies available to cook

     

    Yeah, I guess so. It’s my learned helplessness that was telling me differently. That’s what I’ve realized recently: that I adopted learned helplessness in many areas of my life (due to my childhood and upbringing), and it’s been a slow process to “unlearn” it. The most recent but long-lasting example is my health problems, which triggered a lot of my childhood trauma.

    And it actually occurred to me that you’re the opposite of me in that sense: whereas my “modus operandi” is learned helplessness (believing that I am weak, and relying too much on other people to help me/save me), yours seems to be excessive self-reliance, to the point to pushing other people away. In other words, I am too needy, while you seem to be not needing anyone, or rather, not wanting to need anyone.

     

    Oh I see, I didn’t know so thanks for sharing. Then how can same kind of wound could have opposite ends of spectrum? Also in my case excessive self-reliance is depleting my energy quickly and burning me out time to time yet still attacking my self-esteem. Like I’d be like I can do it no matter what and then when I’m not able to I blame myself subconsciously. Because in my head I’m like what others can do? I have to rely on myself to get things done.
    Because my trust issues adds up in this as well. But we can change our “modus operandi” right? How you’re still coping with feeling helpless?

    Both of those are defense mechanisms to a similar type of childhood wounding, but they are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. You had a very criticizing father and a mother who didn’t protect you, whereas for me it was a very criticizing mother and a father who didn’t protect me. Your mother and my father were more interested in keeping the “peace” in the house, while less interested in their child’s well-being.

    My father was more interested in appeasing my mother, than in protecting me. He would minimize and try to explain away my mother’s behavior. He was gaslighting both himself and me that what is happening is not a big deal. I believe your mother was the same?

    Yeah, I guess my mother thought peace in the family means more than my protection or my mental health and to be honest even now my parents aren’t much aware about like mental health is a thing. They think if you’re getting basic needs, you should be happier and kind of materialistic happiness. Because of the small village mentality. Also My mother did told me most of her life all she did is just calm my father’s anger because of relatives and other things going on. Which I think is very toxic on my father’s side. I wouldn’t be able to bear that behaviour any longer that’s why I started living on my own much earlier. I guess she just didn’t think about standing up for herself. Which could be the same case for your father?

     

     

    Of course, when I was a child I didn’t know that my father’s silence meant that he isn’t able to confront my mother. Instead, I believed that I was the problem and that my mother is right. My father’s silence meant a confirmation that I was a faulty child, that something is wrong with me. So he was complicit in my mother’s emotional abuse. He was a silent bystander, even though he never personally treated me badly.

    Anyway, I believe we got a double whammy of one abusive parent and the other silent/complicit. And it ruined our self-esteem, because the complicit parent didn’t protect us from the abusive one, and so the only message we’ve received was that we are bad and faulty. At least that’s the message I’ve received.

    Yeah that’s right and I think main issue here is our ruined self-esteem as a result which isn’t easier to heal faster. So now that you are aware that you weren’t the faulty child yet it’s still rooted in you? That’s what you mean?
    In my case luckily it’s not bad as before (But still) I do feel I have to achieve much more and I’m not good enough just yet.

     

    You did say your mother was kind and caring in many instances, and so was my father (specially when it was just the two of us spending time together, going on holidays, hikes etc). But when it comes to confronting my mother about her behavior (both towards me and towards himself), my father was weak. And so her message (that I am not good enough) never got counter-balanced by something positive.

    Yeah I think my mother’s behaviour was the same.

     

    Maybe I am repeating myself because we’ve been talking about this before. But it is what I’ve been thinking recently – how our defense mechanisms are on the opposite sides of the spectrum. Me: too dependent and needy. You: too “independent” and not wanting to need anyone.

    And it was not that hard for you to opt for total self-reliance – because you were quite capable and managed to get out unscathed from many tough situations/adventures, without needing your parents to save you. Which I guess strengthened the sense that you don’t need them and can manage on your own (in lot of situations I was alone and I saved my own self. There are some situations where people did helped me but still...)

    So once you were old enough (around 16), you stopped relying on your parents for physical survival and sustenance, and you moved out. You didn’t need them for emotional sustenance either, because they’ve hurt you, each in their own way. The result is that you became totally self-reliant. (In comparison, I still felt like a child at 20, and couldn’t imagine to move out and live independently.)

    It’s not a bad thing if we’re physically/financially self-reliant (that’s something we should actually strive for as adults – to be able to support ourselves). But your self-reliance stretches into the emotional realm too (But basically for relationship you’re right I’ve been hurt and I was alone so I thought just myself is enough). And this is giving you trouble now…

     

    I agree with you. And the thing is that I never been taught to give relationships priority you know. That’s something I discovered after my earlier 20s that building relationships romantic or generally it’s really important. And the self-reliance fueled that wrong belief even more. And the funny part is that I have trust issues even though till now I’ve met like really kind, helpful and amazing people. Generally takes me long to trust in the person. But what I’m glad about is that I was never into transactional relationships like I’m only helping you just because you helped me. I always have this mindset of If I’m able to help someone then I’m going to help. I don’t want something in return.

    But in previous romantic relationship part I was like a fixing figure so that also didn’t fulfilled me either so..

     

    Oh talking about that you know that women are more likely to fall in love when she have sex with the same person? But for men it’s not the same. Doctor told me that 😂

    I told her If she wants we can also stop physical things but she was like naah.. But anyways I guess we’re both little tired to find something more suitable for ourselves..

     

    Well, trust has to be built. I was talking about the person having a track record of being trustworthy, e.g. of showing up when they’ve promised, of not laughing at you when you show vulnerability, of supporting you when something bad happens (e.g. when your cat died). After a while, you realize you can trust them that they won’t hurt you or betray you.

    Hmm in that case I did meet mostly the nice women. Doctor is extra nice and sensitive though. But I did get your point. And the thing is I guess my senses are stronger in that regard if I’m around disrespectful and insensitive type of women I wouldn’t even think about going out with her or even act aloof when she tries to get along with me. But I guess I do have to try to meet more women not just for romantic relationship but to remove my shyness to ask out someone when I actually like them

     

    Fast love can be infatuation – it’s when we have our rose-colored glasses on and idealize the person and fail to see the warning signs. But for you, I guess you’re afraid to fall in love – you are afraid to form an attachment to the person – because you are afraid they’d hurt you. I think that whenever we get attached to someone, we need something from them, and them disappearing from our lives would hurt us. So that’s a risk that you are not willing to take yet.

    I think that’s why you don’t feel “fast love” – because you’re preventing yourself from falling in love, i.e. to form that attachment.

     

    Ohh right definitely I am afraid of falling in love. It feels like I’m trying to protecting too much or like not letting it loose enough you know.. and I don’t think I need something from them. But more like fear of wasting time and not working out and just dull over the time you know. Because again I still have the fear that I’m not getting any younger

     

    Yes, and you’re actually getting to know her, and based on what you said, she seems trustworthy. But your fear doesn’t let you start trusting her. It doesn’t let you fall in love with her either.

    Hmm I guess so.. and I do trust her. But somehow I’m still not trusting in this relationship working out with her

     

     

    Yes, it is 🙂 You’re seeing it clearly. Which is a good place to start healing 🙂

    I’ve got some ideas why you have so much mistrust, and I think it’s related to your mother not really supporting you, but making allegiance with your father (excusing his abusive behavior, and telling you to be the mature one and tolerate abuse). So it was a kind of betrayal.

    How do you feel about all this? We can explore it some more, if you feel like it…

    To be honest I’m not sure if that’s the root cause it may be I don’t know… and yeah we can explore

     

    Maybe she was actually jealous of your enthusiasm and didn’t like it? It wouldn’t be your fault, of course, but maybe she is intimidated by people who seem more confident and energetic than she is?

    In any case, I am very sorry. It’s their loss not hiring you, because you would have been a great asset… But anyway, you’ll find something else, something close to your heart, and hopefully very soon!

    She did seem intimidated but I couldn’t just hide my enthusiasm because I practiced a lot and I was just more hopeful so..

    Yeah thanks I hope so.. I took few days of break for applying. I didn’t just felt like it. I started applying again though so let’s see.

    #423794
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Well just got an update for an interview. not selected for further round. 🥲
    I did had a good feeling about this one but oh well

    #423780
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    How’s your week going?

    It’s more rainy than I’d fancy, but it’s okay, it’s good for the plants and crops 🙂

    Oh cool. You have like your own little farm that you grow crops in? what plants are there?

     

    Yes, although with health anxiety it’s tricky because the pain is in the body, so sometimes it’s triggering to focus on one’s body and feel all the various sensations (which is a typical exercise for grounding), because then you’ll feel the pain too, and it’s counterproductive. So for me, it is more like self-suggestion and telling myself that I am stronger than I think, and that the last time the pain went away, so it will happen this time too.

    Ah I see, that’s right triggering the feeling of pain ain’t easy. And you’re indeed much stronger than you think! No matter what your anxiety says to you.

     

    Great! I am rooting for you to make it happen!

    Thanks a lot 😀

     

    You are very welcome. Yeah, self-worth is key, and that’s what gets damaged when we have a criticizing parent. Your father made you believe you’re not good enough (when you didn’t get straight As, when you didn’t get him the right tool immediately, and in many other occasions throughout your childhood), and so that’s what you started believing about yourself too. And it takes a long time and healing to undo that false belief…

    Yes I guess because I’m self-aware about these things at later age it’s little bit harder because the roots are deeper

    I am glad you’re aware of your skills, and how capable you are of learning new things, adapting, and thriving in a new setting. So yeah, don’t forget that. And indeed, that you’re an asset and have a lot to offer.

    Yes I’m trying to believe that!

     

    What I am trying to say is don’t immediately make the worst possible conclusion about yourself. Don’t question your worth, even if a company rejects you!

    Well to be honest I’m not doing that consciously. Most of the time I’ve seen those emails I’d just ignore it. I be like yeah okay, there will be a good match soon. But I guess maybe it’s my subconscious.

     

    First, I am happy if you started believing that you can find someone compatible, someone you can enjoy time together even in silence. That’s so precious! And if this girl is in that category, you’re lucky.

    Well she is in that category. But I’m always questioning this like there is very slight chance that it would work out between us. Because I do like to spend time with her but she also scares me with her bold “commitment type” of moves sometimes 😂

    It sounds like the fear of getting hurt, once you’ve given your heart to someone. When we love, we are vulnerable. We’ve talked about vulnerability before. Without vulnerability, there is no healthy relationship. There is no authenticity. But you fear to be vulnerable because if we’re hurt by someone we love and trust, it hurts a lot. It hurts like hell.

    And you’ve already experienced this pain in your childhood: you’ve opened your heart and trusted your parents, and they’ve hurt you. Specially your father. And it happened again and again. So for you, being vulnerable and needing someone is a big no-no. Super scary. You want to prevent to be hurt again. Would you agree with this?

     

    Hmm not really because I believe it’s not about getting hurt anymore. Because I don’t know I got this sense of strength that it is my heart and I’m able to heal my heart no matter what. Maybe my heart is rigid and I’m also sensitive occasionally but I know time and patience can heal heart. And because of this girl I don’t think I’m much scared about vulnerability either.

    There are no guarantees in life. And no absolute security. When I get out in the street, who guarantees me that a brick won’t fall on my head? That I won’t be hit by a car? If we lived like that, we wouldn’t live at all.

    But still, in a relationship, you can know if someone is trustworthy. It’s not so completely random. Because the person has a track record or supporting you and being there for you. If you marry someone, you don’t marry them at a whim, but because you’ve got to know the person. You’ve been vulnerable with them, and they’ve been vulnerable with you. And when problems arise, you communicate about it, you don’t pretend that everything is fine.

    All this is still not a guarantee of “living happily ever after”, but it gives you a certain certainty, a higher probability of things working out.

    You know what they say: nothing is ever certain in life, only death is. But within that general uncertainty, you can still count on some people and trust them – because they have proven themselves as trustworthy.

     

    I agree with you. So what you mean is a process of trusting first and even for me in relationship trust comes first and after that, love. Maybe somewhere I still believe in fast love yet still have that feeling of security which isn’t right. My controlling behavior haha

    And slow love, like getting to know the person, building trust and love based on that. It seems long process but there is actually much higher probability.

    But because I was already in many unhealthy relationship dynamics even that seems questionable and time wasting to me. So in a way I’m craving a heathy love yet still exhausted to actually put in efforts for healthy love. Me, I’m the problem it’s me 😂

     

    Retina is super important… I do hope she gets better. There are also vitamins she can take, to strengthen the retina, but I guess she knows all that…

    I guess she’s already doing that but it what happened to her is more like genetic so..

     

    Great! Were they physically dangerous situations (like watching the lioness give birth in the jungle), or other types of situations?

    Yes. Physically and mentally dangerous both. I went to visit oil refinery with my uncle and they gave us VIP pass and my uncle was there for business matters so he was working and I was just curious checking things here and there was this giant pod they didn’t know I was in so they locked up. They couldn’t even hear if I scream. So I just sit there for an hour and after that looking around and see thing yellow printed sign for the location and pickup time was on the pod so I was like damn if I won’t hurry I’m going to dead because they lift up the pod with machines and it’s quite fast so much higher chances of me getting crushed inside the pod. But I calmed myself and there was this pointy rod thing I managed to remove it after like half house and sharp pointy rod can make much higher noise to an iron pod so, so that’s how they find out I was there 😂

    And it happened with wild animals too… not giving birth (Because that is actually beautiful thing) but in Lion just sitting on the way when I was just riding my bicycle going back home. I wasn’t taking road but the farm area shortcuts because it was easier and faster. If you move too much around lion it would mean you’re a meal that’s it. So I literally waited like 3.5 hours just sitting there waiting him to move on his own and till then I was just sitting on my bicycle like a statue.

    And lot of other normal work and school related things lol

     

    You see how much hope (and trust) you had, even in dangerous, possibly life-threatening situations? I guess you had trust in yourself and your own abilities, and in providence, right?

    At the same time, you are scared to trust another person. I am not judging you at all, just inviting you to notice it. You’re scared to trust because you’ve been hurt in your childhood. So trust in relationships is gone. Trust in nature (and your own abilities) is still there, but trust in another person is gone.

    Yes exactly because in lot of situations I was alone and I saved my own self. There are some situations where people did helped me but still..

    But basically for relationship you’re right I’ve been hurt and I was alone so I thought just myself is enough.

     

    Yes you do. You’d only have to learn how to trust again…

    Yes I know, I’m trying

     

    Wishing you best of luck on Wednesday! (but we can talk in the meanwhile too, hope my eyes wills serve me 🙂 )

     

    Thanks, and yes my interview went actually well. Beyond my expectations. I practiced a lot but she didn’t ask many things. but Still I don’t think I gave the best answers but more like satisfactory? Because the Technical interviewer had less energy and I was energetic, so I guess she did like that enthusiasm as well. but let’s see now. There will be another interview with Data scientist soon. But I’m still worried though.

    You still having eye problems?  Is it getting any better?

     

    #423608
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Hope you’re having a good weekend.

    So it’s like there is a real reason why I am concerned about my health, but still, I don’t need to worry that much. This excessive worrying is a part of health anxiety, and luckily I am learning how to deal with it and calm myself down.

    I see what you mean I understood it now. But I’m glad you’re able to deal with it now. I guess this also involves some grounding practice?

     

    Yes, they both are super important sectors, and sustainability is close to my heart too. It’s good that you’re looking for jobs in fields that are meaningful to you!

    Me too. and when I gather enough capital, I want to start some good sustainability startup for sure. That’s one of my goals.

    I understand that you really want this job. And the pressure to get it. But unfortunately it increases your anxiety, which then makes it harder during the interview. Perhaps the first thing you’d need to do it put the perfectionist pressure off yourself: “Need to ace all of this interviews.”

    No, you don’t need to ace them. You don’t need to be perfect, which was the requirement your father has put on you. You only need to be yourself – which is GOOD ENOUGH.

    Because honestly, without flattering you, Serenewolf, you are good enough. You are more than qualified, you have the experience, the knowledge, the managerial skills, and emotional intelligence as well. You’ve got both the tech skills and the soft skills. So really, I think you’re a well-rounded candidate with a lot to offer.

    Please think of yourself in those terms. You’ll be a great asset for them, they’ll be lucky to have you. You’ve got a lot of offer. Try to think in those terms.

    Again Thanks for giving me amazing and touching reminders about myself. I do tend to forget my own self worth or what I’m able to provide or achieve. I believe Long term of inner  critic have to do something with that or maybe something else. My soft skills have indeed improved much better as well as technical skills and top of that I’m so adaptable to learn new things. The first company I worked for I literally learned everything under a week. Even though I was a total fresher at that time.

    Yeah, keep your focus on your job for now. You can return to the relationship topic later. But also, if you can relax a bit and see yourself as a great candidate for the job (like I suggested above), you don’t need to worry that much. Just change the perspective a little, and you won’t be under such huge pressure.

    Yes you’re right I’m trying to change my perspective but after getting many rejection emails it’s not that easy you know

    I’ve heard once that excitement and anxiety are very similar in terms of the hormones that are secreted. I’ve just looked it up now and found a Forbes article about it, titled “Anxiety vs relaxation: Relabeling anxiety as excitement“. Here is an excerpt:

    The feeling of anxiety is physiologically almost the same as the feeling of excitement. Both feelings produce an elevated heart rate and a feeling of butterflies in your stomach. Both might make you sweat. Your body is readying itself for action. But the feelings are different.

    If you can redefine getting this job as an opportunity and challenge, rather than a horrible loss if it doesn’t happen, you might be able to feel more excitement and less fear and anxiety. Anyway, just an idea. Let me know how it sounds to you.

    That’s a really insightful advice indeed! Thanks for sharing. I love it 😀

    I think it has to do with your childhood experience of not feeling safe and accepted in the relationship with your parents (specially with your father). Relationship and vulnerability feels like a burden, perhaps even a threat, rather than a source of comfort and safety. From what we’ve talked about so far, relationship feels like a threat to your independence, freedom, life goals, pursuing your passions… Am I right in thinking that? And as long as you see relationship as a threat, no wonder you’ll be afraid of it.

    Recently I’m not seeing relationship as a threat. But more like what if after that much invested time and emotions what if it doesn’t work out? So it’s a fear like this. Because there’s another thing Now I know I can find someone who understand me and we have similar life values and enjoy time together even in silence. (Not easy but not that hard) and don’t get me wrong I try to be positive for love but the thing is still if I read or see something around like Breakup or cheating or hear some things like that from someone I’m immediately somewhat feeling like I’m saved. Because I’m not committed, I don’t have to deal with those things.
    Just recently one of my friend’s bf ended relationship with her saying that he doesn’t love her anymore and ended a 7 YEARS long relationship. So hearing things like this how can I be even little hopeful?

     

    You mean you need to repeat everything about yourself to the new therapist, until they get to know you?

    Yes and you already know how much harder it is for me express myself properly

    She does sound like a very kind and supportive person, who is willing to help in spite of her health issues. That’s admirable. I understand why you don’t want to switch to someone else. Let’s hope she will get better soon. By the way, does she have a diagnosis of what her eye problems are?

    She have some kind of retinal condition. So it’s advised to her that she should spend much less screentime as possible to prevent further damage and sometimes she’s also getting migraines as well so

    Sure, yes, a good therapist is first and foremost a positive, compassionate presence in our life. Someone who listens to us without judgment. Someone we can be authentic with. Therapeutic relationship is important precisely because of that. Because a therapist ideally creates a safe, non-judgmental place for us to express ourselves, to be ourselves. Something many of us didn’t have while growing up. In doing so, the therapist also teaches us to create that safe place within ourselves: our internal good parent, or Uncle Iroh or Lord Krishna.

    And you succeeded in creating that safe space within yourself, because as you say: And that’s why I’m blaming myself much less than I used to.

    And because of that, yes, it’s easier to do self-healing too, because you have your own inner therapist now. The inner critic is still there, but Uncle Iroh is there too, and that’s so precious!

    Haha well tbh it what keeps me sane time to time. Because I’ve been situations that normal person just couldn’t even bare. And even in that kind of time I was able to be calm and tell myself it’s alright, Breathe. I can solve it. I can handle this.
    And sometimes even like just surrendering myself for like total hope. Like no matter what it’ll be alright. I survived lot of things and I’ll survive this and succeed. And lot of times it actually worked without even putting too much effort. Can you imagine?

     

    Thank you, SereneWolf. I think you’ve made an amazing progress. I remember in the beginning you didn’t want to accept that our childhood has a huge impact on us as adults 🙂 but then you kind of “got it”, and that’s when you really went deeper and expanded your self-awareness. That’s when you decided to start therapy too… All that helped you to have much more compassion and understanding for yourself. And I hope you do feel better about yourself in your day-to-day life, without too much self-blame and self-criticism?

    You still have work to do related to the fear of relationship, but you’ll get there. Right now, focus on feeling good enough for the job you’re applying for. Because as I said, you’re more than good enough. Just try to get your confidence up, feeling good in your own skin, and I promise you, you’ll ace that interview, without even trying to do it 😀

     

    Oh haha I remember I was being stubborn about it but thanks again for always being understanding, guiding me and supporting me. I highly appreciate it. And yeah I do think I’m much self-aware than before. And I do feel much better about myself than before definitely. I’d say Self-blame is totally gone but yeah some self-criticism is still there.

    Yes I know I have to work on my fear of relationship because I know I have so much love to give.
    Yes. I’m already practicing for an interview. Thanks a lot for your good wishes! I feel much better. 🌻😃

    #423577
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    Actually, I am only now starting to learn to be more resilient. These health issues made me feel very fragile physically, but I’ve realized I am also fragile emotionally. For example, believing that I’d never heal, worrying, catastrophizing etc. And I’ve learned that those are all symptoms of health anxiety. So now I’ve learned how to cope with that anxiety, and also to start seeing myself as more resilient (physically) than I thought I was.

    So nowadays, whenever I have a flare-up of my symptoms, I don’t start despairing and thinking my life is over, but I let it pass. And within a few days, my symptoms do subside and I feel better again. So this is how I am learning resilience… by tolerating physical pain 🙂 But it’s been hard, a very hard lesson.. but anyway, that’s life, I hope I am now stronger because of it 🙂

    Oh actually I didn’t even know there’s a specifically thing like health anxiety exist. But I’m glad you found a way to cope with that anxiety. I guess we always find a way one way or another. And I do like your approach because in your situation combining with physical pain so it’s easy to feel fragile and anxious! so Keep up your good work 😀

     

    So you ended up not applying for that entry level job, which was paying well and looked promising?

    I did apply but unfortunately didn’t get selected. Someone with even higher experience than me started working there with less salary package. But I didn’t sulk over that because it was months ago and I thought maybe that person needed that job more than me.

    I am sorry it’s been so stressful for you. Are the opportunities so limited or you are somewhat picky, looking for a very specific thing?

    It’s the IT job market in general. There aren’t even enough jobs open, on top of that layoffs. And what I’m looking for is working in HealthTech or Sustainability sector. Because I think it’s meaningful for me and also impactful.

    Luckily just Thursday I passed initial interview for this Healthtech company. It’s really good position. Took me really long to get selected for a position like that. It’s also fully remote. And enough pay that I can also move to Europe without any issues.

    Now I have next technical interview on Next Wednesday. but I have high hope for this as well as this crazy fear and anxiety that what if I don’t perform well and don’t get it? It’s a really good opportunity that I just don’t want to lose. And it’s just not even letting me practice with good focus. Because this one has multiple stage of interviews after interview on Wednesday there will be two more interviews. And I Need to ace all of this interviews.

     

    I see. It just occurred to me that when you are under stress and feeling bad about something (like with the job search at the moment), you don’t need anyone around to support you. Like, a romantic relationship isn’t a resource for you, but a burden, it seems? And so you tend to get rid of the relationship, to feel less burdened, right?

     

    When I talked about this my therapist while ago she said at difficult time that’s what exactly you need, someone who really supports you and she told me try to stop always being self-dependent. But tbh I’m not able to do that for now. My focus for job is sharp. Because currently it’s a necessity.

     

    It seems she really likes you and is waiting for you. I am kind of rooting for the two of you too 🙂 Because she seems like a good girl… But anyway, you’ll see. Those things cannot (and shouldn’t) be forced, that’s for sure.

    You’re right and like you know we discussed before like I need to be more hopeFul romantic not hopeLess romantic. But I don’t know why but I’m still very hopeless about love. On top of that because of this kind of thinking I’m already feeling like I’d end up alone and no one would love me with their whole heart if I’m keep rejecting love like this.

    Because tbh I do really like her but I just don’t see future in her even though she’s really good I just don’t know why…

     

    Oh I am sorry about that. I also had some eye issues, and it was very frightening, but I did get better, thankfully. I hope your therapist will get better too.

    I hope so. Because with another therapist it’s all from 0 to 1. And more than that It’s the good relationship you know. Because I want good connection too.

    Are you doing those exercises? Are you in touch with her? I mean, is she available at least from time to time? Because self-healing is hard, although not impossible.

    I’m not able to doing those exercises daily tbh. But yes I’m in touch with her. And just look her dedication she said we can communicate over written letters like the old times. And she won’t even charge me any fees for that. She also believes everything happens for a reason, and this would help her do more writing which she always wanted to do in her teenage years, How would I think about changing a therapist like this?

    Self-healing is indeed not easy. But at the end of the day therapists are only like a guide but all the inner work we have to do by ourselves so..

    I’ve heard once a great concept, which is that emotional wounds happened in a relationship, and that’s why we also need a relationship to heal them. A therapeutic relationship primarily. Or we need to have a strong sense of self-compassion, which is like having an inner therapist rather than the inner critic. Unless we have developed a strong inner coach/therapist/good parent figure, emotional healing is hard to do on our own.

    So I think it would make sense to try to find another therapist – someone you do have a good rapport with. Unless you’re feeling you’re making progress on your own too?

     

    That’s indeed a great concept and I guess I’m trying to bring that inner therapist/parent figure more. For example. Uncle Iroh or Krishnaji (Lord Krishna). And that’s why I’m blaming myself much less than I used to.

    Well I do feel like I’m making a progress but for different perspective I wouldn’t mind you telling what do you think my progress so far? Because obviously you continuously contributing a huge part in my healing journey. Because we started communicating long before I even started therapy.

     

     

    #423465
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Ola Tee! 😀

    It’s totally fine. I’m really glad to that you’re feeling better. Really happy to hear back from you. I do know that you’re very strong & resilient and I admire that. But I hope you feel even better.

    For Job let’s say I’m still being resilient and applying. There were days when I felt like absolute trash. Because I wasn’t seeing any results. And I was worried for financial pressure too. So like finding a job and on top of that financial pressure. That’s the only two things that rendered in my head. Made me sick to my stomach. It was even harder to enjoy simple things (Which I normally enjoy) But It’s getting better.

    About relationship. Because of this much pressure I totally made her distant from myself. She did try but I wasn’t just in right mental state. Even now I’m just not thinking about it that much. We rarely talk. I even told her that it’s better that she finds someone more suitable according to her needs. But she said no. So now we’re like a non-committed friends who kiss sometimes.

    And It’s been one and a half month I’m not seeing my therapist. She got some health issues too. Mostly her eyes and throat. Which is very crucial for online sessions you know. And she did suggest me another therapist but I didn’t liked her that much so I stopped. So I talked to her and she said she believes that I’m more than capable of doing self-healing and I’m improved much faster rate than she imagined. So told me keep working on some exercises and working on healing my emotional wounds and whenever I need a like a push, she’ll help me.

    What about you? How you’ve been doing?

    #421579
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee!

    Yay! I’m really glad! I guess long vacation did helped in some ways :D, Where did you travelled if you don’t mind me asking.
    Yes that’s right let your eyes rest. No need to say sorry.

    I’m still being resilient and applying for jobs.

    #421378
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,
    You did say your heath wasn’t improving. So just wanted to check on you. I hope you’re okay.

    Get well soon 🙂

    #420857
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    sorry for the delay, I am on holidays and spending less time at the computer.

    That’s fine! I hope you’re enjoying your holidays well 😀

     

    Thank you! Although I have to say, these last few days have been rough health-wise, so it was hard to stay optimistic. But then it eventually got better again, and I can keep on keeping on…

    I got fever too (2-3 Days) and damn that’s not easy, and for your health it’s much complex and bigger so I understand, and I admire your strength to keeping on.

     

    I guess when you start working on those attachment wounds and the fear of intimacy and vulnerability. When you heal enough so you won’t feel threatened by being in a relationship. Because right now, you probably fear that you’ll lose your freedom, independence, ability to do what you enjoy doing, right?

    This? Yes I fear that!

    Maybe you’re also afraid of being judged, so you feel you need to perform and meet certain expectations, and can’t just be yourself in the relationship?

    But I don’t think I’m afraid of being judged anymore in the relationship because nothing is more energy draining than act as per like someone’s expectations person by person. That’s like people pleasing but out of relationship situation I still have some people pleasing tendencies.

    But you said your girlfriend isn’t really rushing to get married and have children. So it seems she isn’t the cause of stress but it’s more like that you’re telling yourself that being in a relationship means needing to settle down and have children within the 2-3 year time span. So it’s more like the false belief and the expectation that you are putting on yourself is what causes you pressure, rather than your girlfriend putting pressure on you, right?

    She’s not rushing because she knows I’m not serious like her into this relationship, When we met for our second date, she did mention that she’s tired and she wants to settle down. Because even she thinks finding love isn’t easy at all. She literally sends me cute baby videos on IG time to time! And she also suggested adopting a kitten together when my cat ran away, I may have been taking it the wrong way, but you know what that means right? But yeah these are just my assumptions… But saying indirect “yes” to those things means taking things next level and going into the pool!

     

    So I’d say he never gave you the freedom to be yourself – even if he gave you the freedom to move away from home.

    Hmm so it’s like for his own ego and comfort?

    I don’t know if he meant to say that he might have made mistakes in your (and your siblings’) upbringing? If he is willing to admit that he might have made mistakes, that’s already something. Because my mother isn’t willing to admit that.

    Well like I’ve told you he did said sorry to my grandmother when we had a fight in the past. Not directly to me but still yeah

    Haha, you said you were in your late 20s, so I put the highest possible age. But if you’re even younger than that, then my words have an even bigger weight!  Because you’re really young and the entire life is ahead of you.

    But you know how days are going? Like a blink of an eye! I feel so nostalgic watching old anime it feels like yesterday when I used to watch those things. Also I do have to mention that I guess I’m using that to sooth myself from this really fast paced AI world.

    Your inner critic used the opportunity to judge you for being lazy and not working on actively defending yourself from…. the inner critic himself! You see that mechanism?

    But but isn’t that rational and right? 😅

    The inner critic uses everything to turn things against you, even my advice on how to get rid of it! So just pay attention to that and notice every time you scold yourself for anything. Because every such scolding is the inner critic in action.

    Hmm I guess I’ll have to try more

     

    If you like the position and it pays well even at the entry level, and it gives you an opportunity for career advancement – then sure, go for it! The only question is – how come the entry level pays more than the manager level somewhere else? Have you checked if this company is legit and there are no scams involved? If they are legit, if there’s nothing fishy, then I’d say take it, by all means.

    Thanks and They’re legal and it’s not a scam, It’s paying well because they raised lot of funding recently even during this time! So, they have a lot of confidence for their product and I like that. And I even researched for their salary data and they’re paying Product person 4x higher!

     

    #420749
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Kon’nichiwa Tee,

    How was your weekend?

    that’s the only way… if I don’t accept the limitations and the hardships, and only focus on the negative, it would be much less bearable. So looking at it with a dose of optimism is the only thing that helps (besides exercise, of course)

    That’s good! Also that’s why you’re an awesome wise mentor! 😀

    Okay, so she’s one sturdy cat and you feel she’s doing fine, wherever she is…
    Yup.

     

    Yeah, she is probably hoping she can turn you around and make you fall in love with her. I did suggest a few posts ago (before you told me about your job loss) to stay in the relationship but work on your fear of commitment. I understand that right now, finding a new job is a priority and you’re only focusing on that. But do you think you would want to work on your fear of commitment some time down the line, or you want to remain an eternal bachelor, so to speak?

    Well you do have a point and I’m doing like a spiral always just running away from commitment like this, and I think now I’m just using bigger excuse to run away from this. I don’t know when I’ll be emotionally “available.”

    But another thing is also that I don’t want to settle down so soon I feel like if things go well, like my other friends 2-3 years in relationship and then get married and get kids and then have your family responsibilities. Then I’d missed out on enjoying my 20’s like adventure travel and etc…

     

    Well yes, because she refuses to admit any fault of her own. It’s easier to blame other people. That’s a hallmark of a toxic person…

    Right, I get it now, main thing is that always see other’s fault but not their own. But few days ago I talked to my father on the call and we talked like an hour (Which is very rare) We were talking about my little brother and how he doesn’t listen to him or talk to him rarely, He be like I gave all of you freedom to do anything you want (Which is somewhat right) and during the call he also said that he also could made mistakes and I was like yeah we’re all humans and Then told him not to worry and I’ll talk to my brother

     

    When you say you made some bad choices in the past, I guess you’re talking about dropping out of university and graduating only later? Well, we’ve talked about that before: you did it because you wanted to free yourself from your father’s and grandfather’s guilt-tripping and you wanted to be independent. And so you had to work to support yourself. Which lead to the delay in your studies.

    Now if you keep blaming yourself for that, you’ll never be free. Because you graduating a few years later doesn’t mean you’re less capable or less competent. You agreed with me that you’re actually a high achiever and resilient. So please stop telling yourself that old story that you’re a failure and lagging behind. You’re right on time and you can grab the best opportunity, if you keep a positive self-image and stay optimistic.

    Yes I agree but the thing is that I still think I could’ve done better, and I know I may haven’t enough mature to make proper decision in past but even though Now I’m much more capable there’s still old fear!

     

    Well, you’re 29. You’ll be at the prime of your power for at least the next 20 years. So there will be plenty of opportunities for both career success and for traveling. But I guess when you’re caught in that fear (of making mistakes, or missing out), it’s hard to hear the rational arguments. Because I think your FOMO is a part of your inner critic. So it’s something that you’d need to actively defend yourself against and shut down that voice, because it’s a blind alley.

    I’m freshly 28! Don’t make me older please 😂 and Yeah I agree but this actively defending is seems hard! Is there any more efficient way? Like it happens in background or subconsciously etc? I’m being lazy I know Heck I even have time yet I’m not putting it for right use.. I should do that

     

    I think it’s a smart decision to start applying for a broader range of positions, and then switch after a while to what you really want. As for the job market, I really don’t know, it depends on what sector you’re in. If you’re in IT, it shouldn’t be that affected, although it seems that new product development might be stalling, due to people not having enough money…

    Yeah so I have two interviews soon, and one HR was like this is an entry level position I believe you’re too senior for this but still if you want we can discuss further… and I do like this position even though it’s entry level it’s a really good pay even more than manager level pay. So I’m thinking talking to him like I’m more interested in this position for growth opportunity later on… But if you have better suggestion you can suggest me

     

    #420646
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    I am a bit better health-wise, so I had a good weekend. I mean, nothing special, but pleasant and mostly pain-free, which is a miracle when it happens.

    I’m glad to know that. I like that you have very grateful perspective towards this.

    I am so sorry your new cat ran away Perhaps she’ll come back?

    She still didn’t. But I’m not that much worried like a cat before. Because I don’t know I have a feeling that she’ll survive.

    Okay, so you’re determined not to get married. Have you ever talked about the future and topics like marriage and children? What does she say about you wanting to work remotely and possibly moving to a different city? Do you talk about that?

    I mean she already is well aware about my plans for remote working and moving to different cities and because of her profession she can’t do it even if she wants to, and for marriage we both decided to not rush and after that I told her no for a love relationship so…

    It seems she feels the connection at the moment, as she is comforting you about your job loss and all that. She feels a certain closeness, and I guess that’s why she doesn’t feel that you’re not giving her what she needs. But she did feel it in the past – that’s why she was tempted to go back to her ex. So I guess right now she feels close to you, because you’re open to receiving her love and support. But once you’ll be in a better place and less fragile, she might experience that you’re withdrawing again…

    Hmm I guess you’re right but I don’t want her to stuck with me for confusing type of love. She deserves something much more and direct, But she still wants to spend time with me because she may have that hope of finding a way to my heart key.. and because of my career now I’m focused only on that instead of relationship.

    Yes, it’s hard to accept that. I too was hoping that my mother would realize that she hurt me and that she didn’t give me the kind of love I needed. But she refused to see it. She still believes she was a good mother and I am an ungrateful daughter.

    What? She still believes that she was a good mother and it was your fault?? How? Why?

    Oh I didn’t know there is JOMO too, as opposed to FOMO But yeah, we can’t do everything and be at more places at one time. Life is about choices, and we choose one thing at the expense of other. Even if this other thing is also good. But still, we need to make choices and omit certain things, because our time and resources are limited. You also omit a lot during sleep, if you think about it, and yet, you need sleep, because those are your biological limits.

    Yes but the thing is that because I made some bad choices in the past now I have fear that I may make bad choices again and everyone says these years of life are golden years so it’s like break it or make it so later on I don’t want to regret that I didn’t make good choices… I guess it’s also one of the reasons for my low self-esteem. You see what I mean?

     

    Are you worried about missing out on travel? Or you’re more worried about being late in your achievements and career success?

    Actually both!

     Well, they are very short-sighted and stingy, and you shouldn’t be sorry for leaving that company. I hope you’ll find some place where they’ll appreciate people like you more, and not take advantage of them and them toss them away

    Yes but companies are really scared of slow economy so they’re putting money first instead of people.

     

    Yeah, I understand that people are rushing to find just anything, because they need the money and the opportunities are shrinking. But if you can afford to wait a little longer, then do it. Don’t fall for the fear that you won’t find anything – because you sure will, if it comes to that. But maybe you’ll have to be less picky, you’ll see about that.

    Right so I started to apply for position that also related to Product Management means much broader and more opportunities… and after working like 6 months to 1 year I can start applying for the position that are stronger for PM roles because Let’s hope by then job market would be better? What do you think?

    #420481
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    So they don’t want any new development then? Perhaps they believe they’ve got a hit product and they don’t need anything new for at least a year or so?

    Yes, I did lot of Market research during development for that so for a while they won’t need even new features for this product.

    I only wouldn’t agree that you’re getting old, but if you have a clear goal in mind (to work remotely and travel as you please), then by all means, go for it.

    I mean only reason is the I have clear goal and that’s why I’m confident about it. Lot of my friends are really compromising like just get wherever you want, But I’m really picky about it. They are scaring me more because of all the layoffs and unemployment rates are getting higher.

    If you’re short on money, you can still send applications to some of those less appealing places, and once you get the job at a place you like better, you can simply switch. How do you feel about that?

    Yes, I did selected some cities where I can stay little longer so I’m applying for Hybrid roles there as well

    #420480
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Ola Tee,

    How was your weekend?

    I wouldn’t know about that. But I guess you should train her how to use the toilette and stuff like that. I’ve never had a pet, so cannot really give advice on that…

    Well actually she ran away yesterday evening ☹

    So you are sure that you don’t want this to grow into something long term, possibly even marriage?

    Nope. No marriage

    Now, you’d need to chose her. I know it’s really hard for you, due to your attachment issues. But I am just saying – I think it would be a worthy effort to work on your fear of commitment, while in the relationship with her. I think making that effort would actually make sense, and it wouldn’t be a waste of time.

    So I think this would be my answer to your question: So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?

    Work on your fear of commitment, while staying in the relationship. Don’t stay in that fear forever, without challenging it. That’s my advice.

    Well lately I feel like a fraud because she’s been very supportive with everything that’s going on and I feel like I’m using her just for my emotional comfort and physical needs not giving her the love that she’s craving from me. I literally said this to her on her face because I didn’t want any dishonesty, but she was like I’m just being silly.

     

    Yes, constant criticism and shaming is actually emotional abuse. It’s actively inflicting a wound on you, telling you how bad and faulty you are. What your mother did was more like emotional neglect, I think, because she tolerated your father’s treatment of you and didn’t protect you from it. She wasn’t actively harming you, but she let your father harm you with his criticism.

    Hmm I see I understand now

    Maybe this is a silly question but I am not familiar with children’s obligations regarding financing their parents and grandparents. So you said earlier that you have a responsibility to give a certain amount to your parents monthly. Is it because  they are not that well off, or it’s a custom in India and adult children are obliged to do it regardless?

    Well it is more like a custom in India. especially If you’re an older sibling Which I am

    As for the fact that you have such a father – you’ll have to mourn that, I guess. I am sorry that my mother is like she is, and that we’ll never have a close, loving relationship. She is incapable of that. So I gave it up. My relationship with her is very superficial. It’s sad, but it can’t be more than that – if I want to respect myself and not allow her to hurt me.

    Yes you’re right and I guess I’m just not able to easily accept this truth and still hoping that he might change, But we don’t know. So I guess that’s what hard for me

    No, you needed their emotional support as a child. It was a crucial need back then and because it wasn’t met, it caused damages (which you are trying to rectify and heal now, as an adult). But you don’t need their emotional support now. Your well-being and emotional health doesn’t depend on it. You can get support elsewhere (in therapy, for example). You can also give yourself the support and validation that you needed from them as a child. In short, you can now become a good parent to yourself.

    Yes I’m trying to be a good parent to myself, Trying to be kinder with myself day to day

    So yes, try to have more compassion for yourself, appreciate everything you’ve achieved so far and tell yourself that you did a great job. Be Uncle Iroh to yourself, not the heartless drill sergeant…

    Yes that’s what I’m trying I think being mindful is really helping me a lot, So most of the time when I get negative thoughts my mind tells me not be anxious and worried and appreciate things.

    Yes, that’s one of your major tasks. So now try not to blame yourself for being “late” and “behind schedule”. You’re not late for anything,

    That’s one of the hardest thing I have to work on I guess, Because I’m very afraid of getting older and missing out on things, and while meditation I did deep think about this matter like no matter what, we can’t do absolutely everything. So just learn JOMO. Joy of missing out. Being present in the moment instead of worrying about future and stuff, Don’t compare, Ever one of us have their own unique journey, But not easy at all my rational mind ask me lot of other questions that makes me feel behind

     

    #420442
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    it seems very short-sighted :/ So basically they fired the whole developer team because now the product is out on the market and they don’t need you any more?

    It is short-sighted for sure! but they are thinking how much money they’re saving for few month, and they only have two dev guys for bug fixing and in Product they only have like support girl. because they don’t want anything new

     

    I thought in case you need money, perhaps you can relax your requirements. But of course, if it’s not such an urgent problem, you don’t need to go back to the system you don’t like

    I mean yeah financal pressure is a real deal and I’m feeling it, but my other persona is rebeling against it like no just get what you want don’t compromise you’re gonna get what you want.

     

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