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SereneWolf

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  • #433933
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    I don’t know why quoting isn’t’ working as it should be. But I’ll try to come up with a fix next time.

    #433932
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,
    How you doing?

    Sorry for little late reply.
    I finally started my travel journey! Yaaaaay!
    I started with world’s tallest statue, Statue of Unity. It was so much fun.

    It could be that if they don’t pick up immediately that something is bothering you, you feel unseen by them, and you conclude that your needs don’t matter to them, and that they might hurt you (maybe it’s not even conscious but unconscious reasoning). And from that moment on, you are on guard and you start distancing yourself.
    If so, it means that a minor slip on their part leads to a major danger alert going off in your subconscious mind. And so you switch to defense mode, where you are on alert for being hurt. And in order to prevent being hurt, you preemptively withdraw and stop being open and vulnerable. This is what might be happening.
    The reason for that is the old trauma, which causes you to make a big deal out of a minor issue. And to put up your shields.

    Okay I think this is moderately accurate. I do think that’s what might be happening

    What happened in your childhood is that your mother didn’t really care about your emotional needs: she didn’t care if your father’s anger outbursts hurt you. Moreover, she told you to accept it without any resistance. She basically told you your emotions don’t matter (in this case fear and anger), and that you should be able to control your anger and pretend that it’s not there. She told you that you should silently take the verbal “beatings” and be a good, obedient boy.
    In other words, your mother didn’t have much regard for your emotional needs. She didn’t let you have boundaries. Or to be rightfully upset for being mistreated. And it felt horrible. It felt like a prison. It felt so horrible that you left home at the age of 17.
    She didn’t let you set boundaries, and so you didn’t get the chance to learn how to set boundaries. The only way to protect yourself from being invaded was to leave. To remove yourself from the situation/relationship completely.

    Again accurate. Because boundaries felt like I’m being disobedient. Not a “good” in their perspective. So it was nearly impossible for me to put my needs first than that others.
    Like okay I started travelling yet somewhere I’m feeling guilty I’m not spending time with my siblings and family, specially my sister since she gave birth to a baby boy. even though I spent 3 months at my hometown. They told me to stay and like take care of my sister but still just listening to my grandpa nowadays boils my blood he’s old and sick so I don’t like to disrespect so I just wanted to leave. I did what’s good for myself. I raised my voice. Yet still I feel guilty for that.
    I had to told them even though I’m doing a remote job. I need lil more peaceful environment to focus on work and at home I can’t do that.

    So this is I think what’s happening: in a romantic relationship, when you feel that the person doesn’t care about your needs – and it could be that even a minor thing can trigger such a feeling – your knee-jerk reaction is to want to leave the relationship. Even if you don’t leave physically, you start withdrawing emotionally, and the intimacy is lost for you. Intimacy is not an option any more.
    So instead of working to repair the relationship – and maintain emotional connection and intimacy – you put a stop on intimacy. You block it. Even if you stay in the relationship, you stay in a self-defense mode, with your shields up (we’ve talked about the shield/armor around your heart).

    Hmm I see. Good analysis. I think it’s like the sergeant you mentioned before. Once he’s aware that there’d be an attack. All he thinks about is war. Not peace.

    And I think one aspect of this self-defense mode is the superiority/inferiority dynamic, where you feel less vulnerable if you can feel superior than your partner.
    In the relationship with your father, you felt inferior and never good enough. It seems that with a romantic partner, you never want to feel that way: worthless, unlovable, not good enough. And so you either avoid relationships altogether, or if you opt for a relationship, you want to feel better than your partner. Because that’s how you feel safe(r) from her criticism.

    Yes and also because of that my self esteem went lower so like even if I get women out of my “league” (It happened most of the time, Physically or career wise) I’d just question my worth like how did I get this kind of women? She way better than me there’s no way this is gonna be long term. Sooner or later she’d know that she’s somehow “better” than me and she’d obviously choose something better and leave. And I think that’s where superiority/inferiority dynamic is happening. and because of that I mostly tried keep on edge and improving myself like lil better than her.

    I think that’s why you also want to perfect yourself as much as possible before getting married:
    [I said] Maybe loving hard also means that you need to work hard to be lovable? That you need to be successful, so she would love you (“she can always find a rich husband but a for a guy, he got to be something good”)?
    [you replied] Kind of yes I guess like trying to perfecting the relationship and my partner too.
    I imagine it’s because the idea of being stuck with someone who criticizes you all the time (such as a criticizing, judgmental wife) is unbearable.
    But I think also the idea of being stuck with a woman who is full of faults, who is unaware of her issues and refuses to work on herself – is equally unbearable to you:

    Yes Exactly
    I just don’t want to deal with the women who aren’t even self aware about their traumas and not actively working on it. Because effort is something that really attractive to me. Kind of a priority.
    In your last post you said the girl should be similar to you:
    I don’t think that some damaged people but hmm more like someone I can resonate with a little, Not too much different from me so it would be easier to open up for me.
    Putting all this information together, it seems to me that your perfect partner is someone who has similar issues, i.e. someone who similarly like you doesn’t feel good enough and wants to “perfect” herself.

    Ah right Eureka moment haha! You right she kind of “Fulfil” those criteria and that’s why I felt good with her

    Now this latest girl has issues as well, possibly some similar to yours (anger), but overall, she has bigger issues than you in terms of mental health. She also seems interested in working on herself (she has been in therapy for 4 years), which is a must for you.
    So right there you’ve got 2 potential attraction points: she has similar but greater issues than you, and she is (at least in theory) interested in self-improvement.
    You also said she is mysterious:
    I think I was curious because she seemed little bit mysterious at first. … She smokes, she’s dramatic and her anger is always on the edge. I tried to understood why she’s the way she is and I noticed that it’s just her coping mechanisms, At heart she’s kind and loving woman.
    It could be that you were intrigued by her anger (because it reminded you of your father), and started hoping that underneath her anger you might find a “kind and loving woman”. So she would be someone similar to your father, and yet different: someone who appears rough and angry on the outside, but is actually kind and loving underneath. This might have been a hope and the excitement that your inner child felt in the presence of this “mysterious” woman.
    Maybe I got carried away too much here. But in any case, I can see why you were intrigued by her, even if she appears the “opposite of what you like” (another friend told me how she is opposite of what I like).

    Yes that could be also the thing. But nowadays who wants to show their true self? She mentioned few times how hard it is for her to open up and being vulnerable. But she makes me angry too. Like on Weekend she texted like She missed talking to me. I replied who’s stopping you? and then she replies me for that 2 days after with a funny IG reel. And I have much better things to do than focusing on someone like her who isn’t sure of anything and changes colour like a chamaeleon. Like I’m exhausted with dating games. Like if it’s a Yes or no. and confusing vibes. With Casual I can at least be straight forward and clear like hey I’m working on myself and I can’t commit with you for a full fledge relationship but I wouldn’t mind spending a good time with you if you’re okay with it. I want clear and straight forward things. NO BS. That way there’s also good possibility of gaining a friendship first which is must having a good time or like you know not feel alone since we’re all social creatures. And from friendship there’s also good possibility of deepen the relationship if things go well. Because I know my intentions are good and I’d prefer the same from her. and another pattern that I noticed is that if I’m good friends with a person I’d try be vulnerable with them more easily

    But just because this recent woman which I barely talked to her for like 2 weeks. We can’t say that I’m attracted to troubled people. Can we? But yeah she’s more troubled that’s for sure.
    Well, you were attracted to a troubled person in the past (your first LDR), with whom you stayed for more than 3 years. And you said she was your best LDR.
    Maybe I am looking too much into this, and I apologize if I am talking nonsense. But still, here’s what I am thinking: perhaps the reason why you considered her your best relationship is because she fulfilled the 3 criteria that I listed above: 1) similar but greater issues than you, 2) openness (at least declarative) to self-improvement and change, and 3) openness to being coached/helped by you, as someone who is “further along” on the self-development journey? Perhaps these are the “attraction points” that make you fall in love with a girl?
    Please note: this is just an assumption. Think about it, and see if it resonates at all. If yes, then it’s kind of a formula of how you fall in love, a formula which is more or less based on self-defense. It doesn’t really allow for intimacy and vulnerability.
    Let me know what you think. And I apologize if I went overboard with my assumptions and analysis.

     

    I like the word “Formula of How I Love” and no you didn’t go overboard and I request that you do. I’d prefer a brutal honestly.
    I mean it may have been somewhat true in past but I think now my formula of love has been changed. Or I at least have to meet someone so I can experiment/explore about this further.

    But I thought about it a lil and let me tell you things what kind of women attracts me the most or like kind of feeling of melting for her (Is that similar to love?)

    Similar life values & Someone who have the same priorities so we can support each other in our goals/shared goals
    Honesty & Trust – For me Love comes after those two things
    Feeling of Unconditional love – I know in past and also from my childhood I mostly felt ‘Conditional’ love. So I want to have proper feeling like what actually feels like when a person loves you unconditionally.
    I want to mention that in my 1st LDR I did feel unconditional love but not the level of reassurance that I’d like with that so it was a shaky feeling

    Kind to others (Specially animals)
    Empathic (Thanks for making me realize value for being empathic)
    Have some passion
    Creativity – I know I’m not that much creative person but I absolutely admire various kind of arts. So l like Art (Woman) creating an Art? How awesome is that? Another thing Is that I don’t know if its true or not but I think creative woman would be better at expressing her emotions. Something I can learn from her
    And above all someone who values of words and even more the actions. Because again Efforts are sexy. Show me how you love instead of just saying things.

    I know relationships aren’t about transactions. But I’m expecting these things because I know I can provide those things.

    #433615
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Hope you’re having a good weekend.

     

    I’ve watched another video by the same psychologist (Heidi Priebe), where she goes into a great detail explaining the main features of the fearful avoidant style. The video is 1 hr long, and it’s called 10 Signs You May Have A Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style. She herself used to be fearful avoidant, so that’s her specialty and she knows a lot about it.

     

    First of all thanks a lot for putting that much time for me. You’re a truly good mentor and supporter. It’s good that if she herself used to be fearful avoidant she definitely has more insights.

    I also watched the video you suggest and I do think I’m leaning towards more avoidant style

     

    Anyway, I watched it and recognized similar features that you shared about your own behavior in relationships. Here are two signs of the fearful avoidant style that she described, which I think you’ve expressed too (her bullets are expressed in the “you” form, so I am keeping that form):

    1. You crave intimacy but fear commitment

    2. You want other people to be vulnerable before you are

    Yes I agree I can resonate with both of the points and again leaning more on avoidant side

     

    In the following, I’ll paraphrase what she said about each of these signs:

    1. You crave intimacy but fear commitment

    The false belief (based on their childhood experiences): to be in a relationship means to give up my independence and my sense of self to give endlessly of myself to the other person.

    Fearful avoidants like people and intimate connections, but they are afraid of losing their sense of self in the relationship. So they make a deal with themselves: “I’ll go into the relationship, I’ll get that hit of intimacy and a sense of connectedness, but then I am going to pull back and I’m not going to enter this relationship long term, because to be in a relationship long term means to lose my sense of self. So I’ll sacrifice my sense of self for a while, to get the intimacy I need and crave, but then I pull back because I can’t bear to lose myself on the long run”.

    They don’t realize that one can keep their sense of self and still be deeply emotionally connected to another person. They engage is merging with the other person, but at the expense of losing themselves, which is painful. So the fearful avoidant only feels comfortable in relationships when there is an expiry date. The idea of a long-term commitment, even to someone they really love, is terrifying.

    (end of paraphrase)

    You too expressed this same notion of losing yourself in the relationship, and completely focusing on the other person and their needs and wants:

    Sometimes I can’t say No to a person even though I’d like to say No. … I really fear disappointing them.

    In relationship I care too much and even if they’re little careless about their health or things that affect them or make them worry it makes me worry 3x times more and I can’t focus on my things.

    In relationships I just loose myself in the process because over caring and overthinking about partner. And it affects my mood and even the sleep…

    If I even notice even a little that what I suggested made them uncomfortable I wouldn’t hesitate to change my plans just to see them not disappointed.

    The above are the examples where you lost yourself in the relationship and started caring not to disappoint your partner, not to want anything for yourself. You also started overly caring about her physical and emotional well-being, to the point of getting enmeshed and not being able to focus on your own stuff, and even losing sleep over it. That was happening in both of your LDRs, if I remember well.

    So that’s the “hard” love that you want to avoid. The enmeshed, self-denying love, which is I guess the anxious part of your personality.

    No wonder you don’t want it. You get exhausted in such relationships. And then you go back to being alone and restoring your independence:

    I don’t like being even partially “dependent” on someone or affected by them. It could be because I like to control (It’s lot better than before but still) but not being controlled. Because I prefer some things should be my way. And It should be without judgements.

    Like I know I’m in touch with my inner child and I still do lot of things that an adult actually doesn’t do like I turned into a kid when I’m with kids, Different kind of bicycling, Singing and dancing for no reason (Lot of times while cooking, Watching Anime and Cartoons and lot of things like that). And I kind of fear they would judge me for that and not actually understand.

    When I asked you what you wouldn’t compromise, you said:

    I think my freedom and ability to do whatever I want.

    Also ability to go wherever I go. It’s like a parent would be like don’t go to hike there it’s dangerous out there and then even after she said no and I’d go I feel guilty.

    But the problem is when this independence turns into total self-reliance, which is the opposite extreme of enmeshment. Which again isn’t a healthy state. And so the goal, according to this psychologist, and I agree with her, is integration.

    Whereas now you might be prone to suppressing your emotional, overly reactive and needy part (the one that goes into enmeshment), you’d need to acknowledge it and give it more room for expression. For example, dare to speak up if something bothers you about the person’s behavior. Don’t suppress your frustration and pretend that you are so very tolerant and understanding (which you used to do in your LDRs, if I remember well). Set boundaries. Express your likes and dislikes. I don’t want to go into details in this post, but setting boundaries and expressing your dislikes would be the way to integrate your emotional, reactive part.

     

    The second feature of the fearful avoidant style, which I think also applies to you is:

    1. You want other people to be vulnerable before you are

    This is what Heidi Priebe says about it:

    People with fearful avoidant style do want emotional intimacy, but they also fear getting hurt. They are quite guarded, even if they are warm, empathic and engaging. They ask a lot of questions, but they don’t share too much about themselves (specially not the vulnerable parts). They are good listeners – they make other people comfortable and safe to express themselves and talk about deeper things. But they don’t want to share similarly deep about themselves until they are sure that the power dynamic is tipped in their favor.

    That’s because they believe that people are naturally inclined to hurt and betray each other. They don’t trust people. So the only way they are willing to open up and share vulnerable information about themselves is if they are sure that the other person is “worse off” than them, i.e. has bigger weaknesses than them. Or that the other person is more in love with them than they are with the person, and so the other person has more to lose than them.

    The fearful avoidant is always evaluating: what’s the likelihood that this person is safe for me to open up to. But their indicators of safety are not that the person is warm and kind and comforting, but it’s more likely to be something like: “this person has already shown me all of their cards, so now I can flip over mine, knowing that their issues are bigger than mine”.

    People with fearful avoidant style usually don’t pursue, but wait to be pursued. Because pursuing/chasing someone requires vulnerability, which fearful avoidants don’t want to show.

    (end of paraphrase)

    You talked about not wanting to be too vulnerable with your partner (in your LDRs). You also mentioned feeling inferior (at least in the beginning) with the doctor. And you were attracted to troubled people, whom you perhaps unconsciously saw as weaker, or with more problems, than yourself.

    So perhaps the tendency to get attracted to problematic girls is a part of this need to not feel judged by your partner, because you kind of feel “better” than them, and thus safer from their criticism and their ability to hurt you (which would be a defense against the wound your father inflicted upon you, criticizing you for your “weaknesses” and your “imperfections”). I am not claiming this, but it is a possibility.

     

    Anyway, it seems to me you do fit some of the features of the fearful avoidant style. And the good news is that it can be healed – via integration. Integration of the emotionally reactive, angry and needy part (which you are perhaps ashamed of and want to keep hidden from people) into your main personality. By allowing yourself to say No and have boundaries, basically.

    Let me know how all of this sounds?

    Those are very good insights so thanks for pointing that out and the thing is that I’m trying to create a healthy boundaries but most of the time what is still happening that If I get a minor inconvenience or feel like they’re not respecting my boundaries even once or twice I distance myself from them and after that I kinda feel much less connected to them. Because something I really hate is repeating myself so like if I get vulnerable with them and say look this is what’s bothering me so it would be better if you be aware next time. And after that they still do that the respect I have for them starts to fade. Because I’m very strict when it comes to other people’s boundaries. And not in just romantic relationships but friendships as well.

    And the thing is that it’s draining for me.

    About the angry part I think I’m getting better like the recent things I told you I’m not suprassing my anger like before.

    But the needy part? That’s kinda hard I hate to kinda express people I need them. It does feel better when I know that I can be dependable (Not 100%) but to be honest in all this time life kept gave me reminders that I can only depend on myself so that’s why that part is hard for me. I do have some good friends but if I think deep enough I feel like really don’t want to be vulnerable with them that much. Does that mean I need friends? And I don’t think that some damaged people but hmm more like someone I can resonate with a little, Not too much different from me so it would be easier to open up for me.

     

    Also about the troubled people part, I don’t actually see them weaker like I said I stopped that kinda comparing while ago. But yeah maybe subconsciously. And I also agree with her on the Power Dynamics because that’s what I did in the part. I liked control. But just because this recent woman which I barely talked to her for like 2 weeks. We can’t say that I’m attracted to troubled people. Can we? But yeah she’s more troubled that’s for sure. And nowadays who isn’t troubled more or less everyone is troubled. Everyone is trying to fight their demons and heal. I just don’t want to deal with the women who aren’t even self aware about their traumas and not actively working on it. Because effort is something that really attractive to me. Kind of a priority. Because I did noticed that when I don’t see efforts I also lost interest quite fast. One of the reasons why I broke up with one of the Best LDR I had. Because I felt like I was the only one putting the efforts there. and that’s why in 2nd LDR I sensed like I don’t want to deal with the same thing because I felt like she wouldn’t even put the effort more than the previous one. so I broke up with her as well. and now I’m not interested in LDR at all. and now I crave physical intimacy more than anything. Hand holding. cuddling, kissing and just playful activities together etc.

    #433352
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,
    Thanks for sharing. I’ll watch the video and share my thoughts with you.

    #433319
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    I think doctor was able to get really close to my heart. But there was fear of intimacy. fearful avoidant attachment style you know.

    and I guess also part that I wanted something more again because I did enjoyed when we doing different things together. But then I got bored and after that because of the job anxiety I totally ignored her.

    #433318
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

     

    So the doctor didn’t touch your heart? Or she did, but she wasn’t able to break down the walls in your heart?

    You see – it’s not about the woman. It’s about you. If you fear (either intimacy, or losing something good and hurting afterwards), then you will keep those walls up, even if it’s the best thing that ever happened to you.

    If fear prevails, no woman will be able to break down the walls of your heart. The person who needs to do it is you.

     

    Yes I know it’s about me. and when talking to one of my friend after a while I think there could be some different thing playing role in this. I thought I had just mild ADHD but it I think it increased to moderate. Because my dopamine levels would low most of the time and I would keep seek novelty. That’s why maybe I’m just getting more curious at first and then when there’s no novelty like I know enough I get bored and move on to next

    #433317
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    You nailed it! You pinpointed the main problem: his too high expectations and immediate criticism, instead of allowing you the time to learn things (and having patience and empathy with you). And he was like that since your childhood. No room for mistakes and a demand for perfection, or else he was quick to get angry.
    And I loved that you were so self-confident with him: telling him that you are obviously going to do it well. Yes! That’s the spirit! You didn’t feel less then, or not good enough, but you confidently told him that yes, you can do it, you are able to, you just need a little bit of time to get the hang of it. Perfect!

    Thanks! I think I’m finally able to start working on my new identity shift

    So your mother behaved the same way as she did in your childhood: trying to pacify you, so you wouldn’t provoke him. She wanted you to walk on eggshells around him, so he wouldn’t explode in anger. Basically, she was appeasing the bully (and trying to control you, his victim).

    How are you feeling today? Still good or there are some doubts or feeling of guilt, or anything like that?
    So for that matter it’s like 10 days now. And I think there’s no feeling of guilt. Although My father does started to tell my mom (Not to me or my brother directly) that we’re not obedient like before. We siblings talk back a lot. And My mother still just listens to that. But she did told me that if you think it’s hurting you then speak up I didn’t speak up in all these years so I don’t speak up or just rarely.

    It seems the inner protector – the inner Uncle Iroh – has activated himself in this latest encounter with your parents. Do you still feel the presence of this positive inner voice?
    Hmm I think Yes. But because of his patterns I knew what he’s going to do so I sorta decided that this time I won’t be silent I’ll speak up. So I guess Inner voice helped me to stand up for myself?

    Yes, you do have your own voice, which can speak for you and defend you from attacks. I think it’s wonderful that you experienced that you are actually able to defend yourself and stand up for yourself. And this gave you a sense of power. Because if you can stand up for yourself, you are powerful. If you can say No to abuse, you are powerful.
    Simply knowing that we have the ability to protect ourselves (from other people’s abuse, unreasonable demands, unfair expectations etc) gives us enormous inner power.
    Yes! Thanks for the reminder

    Yess! That was a great success – your dream come true, and something you have been longing for a long time. And you made it! So yes, that too proved how powerful you are: because you can achieve your goals and dreams.
    Yes actually this is a big point for my identity shift because of my past failures I was considering myself as a failure

    Okay, it could be that some “rewriting” of your childhood experiences happened in this very encounter with your parents. Because in this encounter, you’ve got the experience of standing up for yourself and speaking your truth, and not allowing to be silenced and guilt-tripped into obedience. If you still feel good about it, without doubt or guilt creeping in, then some “rewriting” has happened for sure.
    Yes I definitely think so, and there are some other “rewritings” are needed to remove the old beliefs

    Is there a part of you which still expects validation from your parents (and grandparents) that you are making good choices? Like, you know that you are right, but a part of you is still doubting it?
    No I don’t think I need validation from them.

    Do you feel that you still don’t believe positive things about yourself? That even though you receive praise from other people, you still have a hard time believing it?
    Perhaps now 2 voices are vying for dominance in your psyche: one is your newly found confident voice with which you just spoke to your parents. And the other is the “good old” (actually bad old) inner critic, caused by years of criticism and telling you you’re not good enough?
    Yes I think maybe it’s that. How to tackle that and make the newly found voice stronger?
    I’m slowly starting to believe about some positive things about myself but I do still have kind of inferiority complex even though I don’t compare myself to others

    You mean you are not longing for external validation? But you also feel that your inner “validator” is not strong enough?
    Yes Exactly

    What exactly do you feel you are missing right now?
    That’s the thing. I’m not sure sometimes I feel like I need to befriend with myself so I don’t feel alone or just self-sabotage and waste time

    #433316
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Don’t know what happened, Maybe some error so I’m posting again
    <p style=”text-indent: 12.25pt; line-height: 19.2pt; background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Hi Tee,</p>
    <p style=”text-indent: 12.25pt; line-height: 19.2pt; background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>You nailed it! You pinpointed the main problem: his too high expectations and immediate criticism, instead of allowing you the time to learn things (and having patience and empathy with you). And he was like that since your childhood. No room for mistakes and a demand for perfection, or else he was quick to get angry.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>And I loved that you were so self-confident with him: telling him that you are obviously going to do it well. Yes! That’s the spirit! You didn’t feel less then, or not good enough, but you confidently told him that yes, you can do it, you are able to, you just need a little bit of time to get the hang of it. Perfect!</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Thanks! I think I’m finally able to start working on my new identity shift </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So your mother behaved the same way as she did in your childhood: trying to pacify you, so you wouldn’t provoke him. She wanted you to walk on eggshells around him, so he wouldn’t explode in anger. Basically, she was appeasing the bully (and trying to control you, his victim).</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>How are you feeling today? Still good or there are some doubts or feeling of guilt, or anything like that?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So for that matter it’s like 10 days now. And I think there’s no feeling of guilt. Although My father does started to tell my mom (Not to me or my brother directly) that we’re not obedient like before. We siblings talk back a lot. And My mother still just listens to that. But she did told me that if you think it’s hurting you then speak up I didn’t speak up in all these years so I don’t speak up or just rarely. </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It seems the inner protector – the inner Uncle Iroh – has activated himself in this latest encounter with your parents. Do you still feel the presence of this positive inner voice?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Hmm I think Yes. But because of his patterns I knew what he’s going to do so I sorta decided that this time I won’t be silent I’ll speak up. So I guess Inner voice helped me to stand up for myself? </p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, you do have your own voice, which can speak for you and defend you from attacks. I think it’s wonderful that you experienced that you are actually able to defend yourself and stand up for yourself. And this gave you a sense of power. Because if you can stand up for yourself, you are powerful. If you can say No to abuse, you are powerful.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Simply knowing that we have the ability to protect ourselves (from other people’s abuse, unreasonable demands, unfair expectations etc) gives us enormous inner power.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes! Thanks for the reminder</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yess! That was a great success – your dream come true, and something you have been longing for a long time. And you made it! So yes, that too proved how powerful you are: because you can achieve your goals and dreams.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes actually this is a big point for my identity shift because of my past failures I was considering myself as a failure </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Okay, it could be that some “rewriting” of your childhood experiences happened in this very encounter with your parents. Because in this encounter, you’ve got the experience of standing up for yourself and speaking your truth, and not allowing to be silenced and guilt-tripped into obedience. If you still feel good about it, without doubt or guilt creeping in, then some “rewriting” has happened for sure.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes I definitely think so, and there are some other “rewritings” are needed to remove the old beliefs </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Is there a part of you which still expects validation from your parents (and grandparents) that you are making good choices? Like, you know that you are right, but a part of you is still doubting it?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>No I don’t think I need validation from them. </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Do you feel that you still don’t believe positive things about yourself? That even though you receive praise from other people, you still have a hard time believing it?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Perhaps now 2 voices are vying for dominance in your psyche: one is your newly found confident voice with which you just spoke to your parents. And the other is the “good old” (actually bad old) inner critic, caused by years of criticism and telling you you’re not good enough?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes I think maybe it’s that. How to tackle that and make the newly found voice stronger?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I’m slowly starting to believe about some positive things about myself but I do still have kind of inferiority complex even though I don’t compare myself to others</p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>You mean you are not longing for external validation? But you also feel that your inner “validator” is not strong enough?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes Exactly </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>What exactly do you feel you are missing right now?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>That’s the thing. I’m not sure sometimes I feel like I need to befriend with myself so I don’t feel alone or just self-sabotage and waste time</p>

    #433315
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    <p style=”text-indent: 12.25pt; line-height: 19.2pt; background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Hi Tee,</p>
    <p style=”text-indent: 12.25pt; line-height: 19.2pt; background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>You nailed it! You pinpointed the main problem: his too high expectations and immediate criticism, instead of allowing you the time to learn things (and having patience and empathy with you). And he was like that since your childhood. No room for mistakes and a demand for perfection, or else he was quick to get angry.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>And I loved that you were so self-confident with him: telling him that you are obviously going to do it well. Yes! That’s the spirit! You didn’t feel less then, or not good enough, but you confidently told him that yes, you can do it, you are able to, you just need a little bit of time to get the hang of it. Perfect!</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Thanks! I think I’m finally able to start working on my new identity shift. Also grateful because of you 😀</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So your mother behaved the same way as she did in your childhood: trying to pacify you, so you wouldn’t provoke him. She wanted you to walk on eggshells around him, so he wouldn’t explode in anger. Basically, she was appeasing the bully (and trying to control you, his victim).</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>How are you feeling today? Still good or there are some doubts or feeling of guilt, or anything like that?</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So for that matter it’s like 10 days now. And I think there’s no feeling of guilt. Although My father does started to tell my mom (Not to me or my brother directly) that we’re not obedient like before. We siblings talk back a lot. And My mother still just listens to that. But she did told me that if you think it’s hurting you then speak up I didn’t speak up in all these years so I don’t speak up or just rarely. </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It seems the inner protector – the inner Uncle Iroh – has activated himself in this latest encounter with your parents. Do you still feel the presence of this positive inner voice?</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Hmm I think Yes. But because of his patterns I knew what he’s going to do so I sorta decided that this time I won’t be silent I’ll speak up. So I guess Inner voice helped me to stand up for myself? </p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, you do have your own voice, which can speak for you and defend you from attacks. I think it’s wonderful that you experienced that you are actually able to defend yourself and stand up for yourself. And this gave you a sense of power. Because if you can stand up for yourself, you are powerful. If you can say No to abuse, you are powerful.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Simply knowing that we have the ability to protect ourselves (from other people’s abuse, unreasonable demands, unfair expectations etc) gives us enormous inner power.</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes! Thanks for the reminder</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yess! That was a great success – your dream come true, and something you have been longing for a long time. And you made it! So yes, that too proved how powerful you are: because you can achieve your goals and dreams.</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes actually this is a big point for my identity shift because of my past failures I was considering myself as a failure </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Okay, it could be that some “rewriting” of your childhood experiences happened in this very encounter with your parents. Because in this encounter, you’ve got the experience of standing up for yourself and speaking your truth, and not allowing to be silenced and guilt-tripped into obedience. If you still feel good about it, without doubt or guilt creeping in, then some “rewriting” has happened for sure.</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes I definitely think so, and there are some other “rewritings” are needed to remove the old beliefs </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Is there a part of you which still expects validation from your parents (and grandparents) that you are making good choices? Like, you know that you are right, but a part of you is still doubting it?</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>No I don’t think I need validation from them. </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Do you feel that you still don’t believe positive things about yourself? That even though you receive praise from other people, you still have a hard time believing it?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Perhaps now 2 voices are vying for dominance in your psyche: one is your newly found confident voice with which you just spoke to your parents. And the other is the “good old” (actually bad old) inner critic, caused by years of criticism and telling you you’re not good enough?</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes I think maybe it’s that. How to tackle that and make the newly found voice stronger?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I’m slowly starting to believe about some positive things about myself but I do still have kind of inferiority complex even though I don’t compare myself to others</p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>You mean you are not longing for external validation? But you also feel that your inner “validator” is not strong enough?</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes Exactly </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>What exactly do you feel you are missing right now?</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>That’s the thing. I’m not sure sometimes I feel like I need to befriend with myself so I don’t feel alone or just self-sabotage and waste time</p>

    #433073
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Ciao Tee,

    This week ended like blink of an eye and I didn’t even worked that much. It’s Friday again, Your heath is getting better? Have you tried any ayurvedic things?

    If you want a wake-up effect, then I guess Latte would be a poor choice, at least for me it is, because all that milk puts me to sleep rather than waking me up 🙂 That’s why I said, Latte is comfort food for me 😀

    Haha I think even little caffeine should work. Too much caffeine isn’t good for the person who isn’t consuming caffeine daily. Don’t you think?

     

    Yeah, same with my mother. No words of encouragement, no praise – that too spoils the kid. It was a kind of a Spartan upbringing…

    Spartan Upbringing I like the words you used. So that makes us warriors? I guess so lol

    Well, she didn’t have an affectionate mother herself, so she didn’t really experience love and affection. But the saddest part is that she thought highly of her mother and never allowed any criticism of her. Even though her mother was a very critical, strict and cold parent.

    My mother even blamed herself for not being a good enough daughter… so there was never even a glimmer of awareness about how bad effect her mother had on her. And unfortunately, due to that lack of awareness, she never worked on her own healing and only transferred her trauma on to me (which is how generational trauma happens).

     

    Ohh I see. It’s like putting hands on your eyes and then tell others that you’re blind. And the another thing is that if she thought that she wasn’t good enough daughter, didn’t she thought that now I have my own daughter I should raise her right that so she would feel good enough? Generational trauma sucks and I can see it in my family and I’ll be the who will break the generation trauma in our bloodline

     

    Hahaha… that’s quite a unique way to express affection. I thought he was checking whether you have fever or not 🙂 But if you feel he wants to be closer to you nowadays, but only knows how to do it in clumsy ways, well, that counts too 🙂

    Yeah he doesn’t know how to show affection. I kinda had a same problem in my first ever relationship but I think now it’s much better. I hug my siblings often. My mother and grandma and even some relatives.

     

    Yeah, could be. I think Acts of service and Quality time is also what’s important to him, actually to both of us. And Words of affirmation too. Neither of us is big on gifts though, or going out to dinners and special occasions. So we more or less speak 4 love languages, and the 5th isn’t important to either of us 🙂

    Haha surprisingly very similar to what I had with my Long term LDR girlfriend. Mine was also Acts of service and Quality time and after that other love languages  and gift weren’t important for either of us.

     

    Oh my! Your real uncle is your Uncle Iroh then!! That’s amazing! To have such a loving and caring elder – someone who appreciates you so much and trusts you – that’s such a blessing.

    You should learn from him about relationships! Because you said he married out of love, to a good, smart woman. Which means it is possible, SereneWolf. He is your proof.

     

    Thanks, we do meet less though. Although because of this I feel like his father doesn’t like me. But my uncle told me to ignore that.

    And Yeah he’s big on relationships. Business and personal both. I also admire my aunt. Their love is really awesome. They studied together and then dated for like over 7 years they already decided that they want to get married and just before 2 months of the engagement he had a bad accident and he lost his leg (now he has a artificial leg and he walks fine). So my aunt’s parents said we don’t want this wedding to happen. But my aunt was firm and she said that no matter what happens I’m going to marry him. And against her parents’ decision she married to him which is quite a big thing for a woman here. And her own parents didn’t talked to her for over 3 years.

     

    Oh, so she’s not only smoking, but also tends to drink a lot. She has anger issues but it seems she uses alcohol to “soothe” her pain. And she likes to vent a lot and fume, but it’s only like letting out a bit of steam from a pressure cooker – she is not really working on healing her issues.

    About healing the issues. Here’s the fun part. She’s on therapy for over 4 years

     

    This is similar to what you were doing in your LDR – caring about the girl’s health and that she is getting proper rest, is eating well etc. So this is the same kind of “savior” behavior with this girl too. And this girl is trouble, similar to your first LDR.

    So beware of that – that you might get sucked into another savior kind of relationship, where you want to “parent” a troubled girl, who doesn’t really want to go to therapy and work on her issues. Perhaps now you would be a more compassionate and understanding parent, because you’ve worked on yourself, but nevertheless still in a parental role. And that’s not a good recipe for a relationship.

     

    No. I think you’re misunderstanding. First thing is that I don’t even count her as my love interest. That’s why I said it was kinda puppy love feeling for me because maybe I felt lonely and we talked a lot. Another thing is that I never even had a friend who smokes and drinks that much they lose their senses. So I get really worried like what if something happens to her?

     

    That’s good! It seems you are attracted to problematic girls, whom you want to help improve, and that’s a part of the excitement you feel about her. So be aware of that…

    Hmm really? Because it’s been a while, I didn’t even had proper interaction with the woman. Including the latest one I only talked to her over the phone and texting. And I’m not attached to her anymore I think I was curious because she seemed little bit mysterious at first

     

    Okay, so she was able to accept you as you are, with all your good and bad sides. You didn’t need to pretend with her. And you could vent to her, and she would listen. It didn’t overwhelm her. But you see – you didn’t feel that “tension” and excitement with her that you feel now with this latest girl. And it could be because she didn’t need fixing. You even felt a little inferior to her (I remember you mentioned that).

    Yes I did felt inferior at first but after a while I was quite comfortable with her. There was physical and even some romantic attraction but I didn’t continue with her because of my fear. Like if something good like this would end, I’d feel so much hurt so I didn’t let her too close to my heart

    So perhaps she was intimidating because you felt not good enough for her? And this one – the problematic girl – doesn’t feel intimidating because you feel better than her? And so you feel safe?

    No judgment here – I am just asking those questions, so you could get to the bottom of the problem. Because I am seeing the same pattern as before, and perhaps now is the time to become aware of the pattern and try to break it (or rather, heal it).

    I mean like I said I stopped comparing a while ago and I don’t see her as better or worse than me. And I’m not sure about pattern either because for pattern I need to actually go out and date someone don’t you think so? I’m getting bored of phone and texting.

     

    It seems that caring, empathic girls don’t really attract you in the romantic sense – but you only stay friends with them. And then they find a guy and move on. And you are left alone. It seems like self-sabotage. A good girl, capable of emotional intimacy, isn’t attractive to you romantically. Because you are afraid of that deep vulnerability, which comes with a romantic relationship. So yeah, it all seems to be a part of the same pattern.

    Ohh no no I think I’m really craving a caring and empathic woman, Even in a romantic sense, If you remember I felt like I had a feeling that I want someone to baby me. And it’s not like they move on, But it’s obvious thing that they’re gonna spend more time with their partners and then talk to me about what they did. Because that’s what friends do?

    I do get attracted a women capable of emotional intimacy. But that part is true that I do fear the emotional intimacy.

     

    Think about it in the light of what I’ve said above. You want some closeness, but not real closeness. You want to stay on the surface.

    Hmm agree with this

     

    Because when you fall in love, you fall in love with problematic people, which drain you (like this latest girl has the potential to drain you). And of course, you don’t want such a relationship.

    But the biggest problem is that you are afraid to fall in love with healthy people. With whom you could experience a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

    No the thing is when I fall in love, I get obsessed and all in, that’s why I always try to control myself not get attached. Like I said I need to learn slow and soft love. Not hard and fast.

     

    Yeah, you want to be like a sailor, having a different woman in each port 😉 But you know it’s not the solution, SereneWolf. It’s an escape. So think about it. Your own uncle managed to have a loving, committed relationship. And he knows what love is. So… give it a thought….

    Lmao! You’re making it sound spicy! 😂 But yeah I’m aware it’s an escape. But with a ray of hope. What if during my journey I meet someone who is really able to touch my heart and able to break down the walls in my heart? Or is that too much hopeful thing to think?

    Because I think if I travel and do the activities that I love there will be similar women around who values those things. You see what I mean?

     

    #433042
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Oops I forgot to change the Name.

    Hi Tee!

    #433041
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi SereneWolf,

     

    Yeah, I am still a fan of caffeine, only “diluted”, with plenty of milk. Latte is almost like comfort food for me, so yeah, there is an attachment there, which so far I don’t want to break free from 🙂

     

    Haha I agree, I myself actually enjoy Latte sometimes. Although sometimes I think I should start taking caffeine for a better focus at during worktime. In the morning time I always look so sleepy no matter how many hours I have slept.

     

    Yes, physical affection is very important when we’re babies, because that’s the only language we understand. And if we are caressed and played with, and soothed and held when we’re upset, that means so much for our nervous system and our basic sense of safety. And also, the basic sense of feeling loved, because physical touch means affection.

    My mother didn’t like physical affection because I think it didn’t come naturally to her – because she herself felt so deprived of love and affection (due to her own childhood). So she couldn’t give what she didn’t possess… But then she rationalized it by saying that giving hugs and kisses will spoil the child, or that it’s fake, that the person giving hugs and kisses isn’t sincere and doesn’t truly love us. So she rationalized her own coldness and emotional detachment, instead of admitting that there is something missing in her…

    Yes I agree with you.. and it’s same like my father, my father thought even words of encouragement spoils the kids. Then hugs and kisses are far away lol

    And to be honest it’s quite common here not just for my father. But it’s surprising for me I though mother figures are mostly affectionate but I guess not in your case.

    it’s changing though (almost like since covid I think) My father would at least put his hand on my forehand when I’m working on my laptop and when I ask what he’s doing that for he’s like..To check if you got a headache or not haha

     

    I have a photo with my father in his lap, when I was maybe 1 or 2 years old, where he is looking at me with great love and affection. But he wasn’t really a hugging type, and we didn’t have much emotional closeness later as I grew up. But he was never aggressive. He just didn’t protect me from my mother’s aggression, so that’s his major “crime” against me.

    Ohhh! No physical affectionate from mother and even from the father side? Must be really hard for you. Yeah, your father didn’t stand up against your mother when he should have, just like my mother should have for me.

     

    Actually yes, I myself used to be rather restrained in expressing physical affection. I think one of the main reasons was that I felt empty inside, I felt like I have nothing to give. But that was before setting on my healing journey. Now I am more free, but still not super touchy-feely.

    Luckily, my husband is the touching type. He likes to give me hugs and back rubs, and I enjoy it like a baby 🙂 He definitely made up for what I was missing as a child, both in terms of physical and emotional affection. So that’s been a huge blessing in my life.

    It’s kinda similar to me! Like now I know I have so much love to give. But sometimes I still do get this feeling of emptiness like I have nothing to give.

    I’m glad you got touching type husband. You believe in 4 love languages? Because sounds like your husband’s love language is physical touch

     

    Aw that’s wonderful! Your uncle must really like you and appreciate you a lot. I hope you can take it in and allow your heart to open up, to receive his love. Because he seems genuine in his expression of love, and you said you don’t like people who are kind in a fake way, because they usually want something from you.

    But it seems your uncle is an example of someone who genuinely cares about you, so perhaps next time he gives you a hug, try to really receive his love and open your heart? (if you haven’t already)

     

    Yes he does appreciate me. He trust me at that level that he put his power attorney on my name. and he told me that during my lifetime I have never seen honest and humble person like you. And he did a love marriage and my aunt is also very wise lady. So he told me He’s only vulnerable with two person. One with his wife and one me. I think he’s also one of the reason I got entrepreneurial spirit.

     

    When she complains about work, what do you do?

    I just listen. I don’t try to give her solutions and when she works late after that she drinks a lot and then get all “horny drunk” then I try that she could sleep on time so she can have proper rest. But it’s been like 5 days I haven’t even texted and neither did she

     

    Okay, so she is someone who gets angry over small things? And she freely expresses that anger? While you get angry only over big things? But even then, you suppress your anger and you don’t say anything to the person who is mistreating you or otherwise doing something you find unacceptable. This is what you said about the incident when your nephew and other kindergarten kids went to the doctor:
    I got so much angry but I didn’t want to disrespect a woman inside a hospital there so I controlled myself and stayed calm.

    Yes she expresses her anger quite freely and I don’t. But I think it’s getting better

    Just today evening I screamed at my grandpa. And I have never done that before! I talked back and screamed at my father sometimes in my teenage. But never to my grandpa. Even my father thinks twice when he has to tell him something. But today he was being rude with my grandma so I couldn’t help myself and I had a verbal fight with Him. He literally got up to hit me but I didn’t budge. Like if you want to hit me. But don’t be rude with my grandma like she’s nothing. Like he only likes when everyone is agreeing with him and my grandma disagreed with him so he got angry. So I think it’s another achievement for me

    Btw, is she (your new love interest) the kind of person who speaks up for herself when needed, or she only vents to you, but doesn’t dare to e.g. speak to her bosses?

    Naah I don’t think she speak up to her bosses. Because she would be texting me even while working. And watching Instagram reels while working. And she has quite a bad relationship with her parents she speaks to them only when needed.

    If I remember well, your previous girlfriend (the doctor) praised you for being so calm and composed. But that was likely only a persona, because your anger is deeply buried. And maybe that’s why you didn’t like her, because you didn’t allow yourself to be authentic with her (and by being authentic, I mean expressing your anger too). So perhaps you felt that she likes your persona (the part which you were comfortable showing), but not the real you?

    Hmm tbh I don’t think that was the reason. And when I’m with her I did feel that she is someone that is capable of accepting the whole me. I’m saying because the way she was talking to me and also many times she reassured me that I can have bad feelings and I can allow myself to be sad and angry in front of her. And I used to vent about things with her.

     

    One thing I am hearing is that good friends leave when they find a partner. You had a certain closeness with her, a certain emotional intimacy, but I guess neither of you were interested in a romantic relationship? And then you lost that closeness once she found a boyfriend and moved away, right?

    And with this recent female friend, she found a boyfriend and started talking about him enthusiastically, and you don’t like it:

    Right. Totally platonic. And I did noticed that my female friends are good listeners than my male friends and kinda more empathic. So I tend to be more vulnerable with my female friends

     

    Perhaps you are feeling a sense of loss of that deeper bond that you used to have – which always disappears when your female friend gets into a relationship? And also, there seems to be a longing for something you don’t have:

    Yes I think so…

     

    Perhaps when they tell you these things, you get reminded of the good times in your own romantic relationships – good times which lasted for only a short while, and only in the beginning. But then the anger, upset and anxiety would set in (at least it was like that with your LDR, with whom you stayed for almost 3 years, if I remember well?). So there seems to be a longing for a relationship, but also fear because it never turned out well.

    Yes exactly!

     

    You want something “light”, as opposed to “hard”, which you believe a committed relationship is. But “light” can only work with someone who doesn’t want to be committed (i.e. someone with intimacy issues, like you), or someone who is hoping to change you, like your ex did. She was hoping that you would get madly in love with her and won’t be able to live without her – even though you told her you have attachment issues. But she was hoping you would change for her.

    Anyway, “light” relationship isn’t the real solution. It’s an escape from fear. And fear is lying to you that a loving, committed relationship is hard work and involves a lot of sacrifices.

    Maybe it would help if you wrote down everything you believe about a loving, committed relationship and what it involves. Perhaps it would shed some light on the various (false) assumptions you have around it?

     

    I’m thinking short term situationships would make me feel lighter and still have that sense of closeness with someone? Like Friend+Lover you know?  and it’s also good because now I’m also capable of travelling so I’ll be changing the places frequently. Then why tie myself to a serious relationship? Because I literally despise LDR now. There is no way I want a LDR with someone I really really love. I’d want her to be with me. Not far away longing for me.

    Like think about it, If I’d be just dating a local woman from the city that I’m staying. It’s also good for activities and time spending outside the work. So spending good time together and some sweet memories and then say see ya senorita on the next adventure…

    Sounds silly enough? lol

    #432795
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Como stai?

    I’ve got to tell you this! So the traumatic event that we talked about from my childhood? It was actually repeated yesterday evening but this time I was quite ready because I already decided I won’t back down and Imma fight. So we were doing the celling colouring work. And my father was like don’t do like that do it like this, and I was like ask a professional worker if you want it perfectly because I’ll do it how I know, I’m not the expert colouring worker. He snapped obviously. So he was like yeah now you’ll say find worker and blah blah, I said Hold on I never said to do it all by myself. If you want to do it by yourself you can do it. and I went working nearby balcony and he was working with my brother. So my mother came to me and she was like you know him why you wanted a fight? So I also told her,. Even about the therapy. Like do you have any idea what this kind of events in my life and suppressed anger is doing to me? If you want you can tell him, He won’t be able to control me like he did in my childhood. And after that he came to balcony and be like yeah you’re doing well. I was like if you give me few minutes to learn something obviously I’m going to do it well. So he got angry again because I talked back. But I didn’t care. And tbh I felt so alive and proud of myself! It happened yesterday evening but I’m still feeling so good about it.

     

    I am glad you liked it! You probably saw yourself in that example, and that’s what brought tears to your eyes…

    Yes Exactly!

     

    Yes, you adopted your father’s belief that you are not good enough. Christine Hassler often uses the phrase “you bought into the belief…” Yes, we as children believe our parents’ view of us. Their critical voice becomes the voice of our inner critic. The external critic becomes internalized. And so the voice of our critical parent(s) keeps living in our head.

    Yes I actively need to work replacing critical voice with positive and supportive one.

     

    Yes, it’s a good question. Have you thought about it?

    Well I think I’ve felt the most powerful just recently like I told you. Because of that I felt like yeah I have my own voice and power why am I keep letting them control me?

    And another time when I finally got a fully remote job in sustainability!

    Hmm What else? Can I also count when I learned to Bicycling and Driving? Because my family thought I’m slow and scared of it, so I wouldn’t learn that

     

    You mean you don’t feel ready to do the exercise with the inner child, which she did with her client? Or you don’t remember a particular situation, which you would want to go back to and “rewrite”?

     

    I mean I already tried, I also know the particular situation (the one I just mentioned) I think that situation from my childhood is the most memorable one. But the feeling the truth by I mean like I’m right and I shouldn’t feel like only elder family members tell me is the truth. Like I literally feel like I need to build my own voice persona from scratch. Because the thing is even the positive voices are coming externally. Not from within, Like how some of my friends praise me, how my co-workers praise me for my work, the women I’ve been with tells me how kind, passionate and caring I am.

    Like I don’t feel like I actually need external validation, I’m not longing for those voices. But it’s just there. You know what I mean?

    I need to connect with myself on deeper level. But you can feel free to tell me how can I “rewrite” from your perspective.

     

    #432669
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    my weekends (this one too) are usually peaceful, taking a light walk, sitting on the terrace of my favorite cafe, drinking my latte. Quite enjoyable, even if simple 🙂

    Love that! I’m glad you had a nice weekend. Very similar to what I like in weekends. Except caffeine.

     

    Oh I’ve heard of Ashwagandha, as a remedy for anxiety. I can imagine it can actually help, if it calms down the nervous system. As for yoga, it is not recommended, since it involves a lot of bending, which is counter indicated. So no yoga for me, unfortunately…

    Ah I see. You can try and see if Ashwagandha or other Ayurvedic things that may help you

     

    Do you remember any of such instances? Because I don’t, and I don’t think I had many either, since my mother was not really a fan of caressing and physical touch. And I spent almost a year as an infant at my granny’s, who was even colder than my mother… so I can imagine I didn’t get much cuddling, and in general that sense that they (my parents) are happy to have me in their life. Perhaps a little bit from my father, but I don’t really remember.

    Ohh that’s interesting. I think I’ve read it somewhere and now it’s connecting the dots. Lack of physical affection is even worse than the emotional neglect. Because it has that feeling of safety. Like I got you, don’t worry. And we both didn’t got it. My mother used to caress my head sometimes and my grandma as well. But I’m quite sure no physical touch from my father. Only aggression.

    But because of that you think it kinda turn us into not touchy people? Except the sexual touch obviously. Like even now I feel awkward when someone tries to hug me. Yet I do get little emotional. One of my uncle is really extrovert and I have a good relationship with him and the thing is that he always hugs me. Literally like half minute hug. Not a quick one. And that guy has a germophobia. We meet rarely but whenever we do. We talk a lot.
    What about you? Because of lack of physical affection it still affects you?

    What are you excited about? I mean, what are you getting in the interaction with her?

    Hmm We talk just about similar things. She complins about work. We both are into cats so we talk about cats a lot too. Other than that just flirting here and there. But it’s been 3 days I haven’t talked to her. She texted me and asked that If I’m angry at her. I said there’s nothing like that. I’m just not in the mood and I don’t want to make you feel down because of me.

    Also I think I did well that I forced myself to not texting. Because Now I don’t have the itch to check my phone if she texted me. So I kinda feel better lol

    If it’s infatuation, it does mean she is meeting some need of yours, or you are hoping she could meet it… an unmet need.

    Something just occurred to me: you said she is dramatic, always on the verge of anger. Whereas you keep your anger suppressed. So perhaps that’s what you like about her? Her freedom to express anger? So perhaps this is what she has, which you would like to have too, and it is attractive?

    Ohh I haven’t looked from that POV. But I don’t think so, I don’t want to mimic something like that. Specially not getting angry over small things. Because it takes a lot to make me angry. I already have a calm image even for myself.

    I get that – you are confused about what you’re feeling for this girl, you’re internally conflicted. And so you can’t really be happy for your friend, because you are fighting your own inner battle. Is that what’s going on?

     

    Actually, I’m not sure. And it happened before with one of my other friends too. We used to talk a lot and share a lot of things and then She got into relationship and then they decided to move to Canada together. Now we talk rarely. And it’s not just talking but I think somewhere in between I have to learn to accept that people come and go. Some stays, some leave. but connections are there. Because another thing is I don’t know how but I always find good people around me or make good new friends again.

    And about this girl I’m sure I don’t want to move forward. But thing is that it just feel weirdly painful when I hear like “Ohh my bf made a playlist for me”. “Ohh he surprised me with flowers” It reminds me of myself when I was in relationship

     

    Oh I see, you mean dating brings something new and exciting. Well yes, it does, but it also brings up your fear of relationships, which is happening now again, with this girl… And that’s what makes you question whether you actually want a more serious relationship or just something superficial, to have fun. I think it is your fear speaking: the fear of intimacy is telling you to only seek superficial relationships. Because you do want a relationship, but you’re afraid of being hurt…

    Okay so I think we should discuss about this in depth. According my situation, Because again I just tend to think rationally instead of emotionally,

    I know I don’t want a superficial relationship. But because I don’t feel ready what if I start with something like situationship first instead of go all in serious romantic relationship and overwhelm myself?

    I’ll answer for the video related question in the other part.

    #432383
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,
    How was your weekend?

    Thanks, I am trying my best. In the past year or so I’ve started becoming aware of the layers of fear that I grew up with, out of which health anxiety is just one manifestation. So I am looking at fear, feeling it in my body, and trying to separate myself from it (so that it doesn’t take me over me completely). It’s not easy, but I’ve made some progress…. and there is still a lot of work in front of me.

    That’s needs deep self-awareness and good amount of control so I’d say you’re doing quite well

     

    No, I haven’t. Not sure it would work for spine problems though?

    It should be. Try to find good Ayurvedic Practitioner in your area maybe?
    Usually for spines there are Remedies that could include  Ashwagandha, Shallaki and Guggulu then there’s also Panchkarma and various Yoga Asanas as per your condition.

     

    So perhaps you want some of that feeling of being cuddled and loved just because someone really enjoys your presence? (just like our parents should have enjoyed our presence, but with many parents it unfortunately wasn’t the case).

    I think yeah and I know I had these moments in my childhood but I simply can’t recall those memories now but just the low feeling stuff.

     

    Actually, by appreciation I meant what I described above: enjoying our presence, being happy to have us around, seeing us as special, appreciating having us in their life. What we should get from our parents as children. Basically giving us the message: “I am happy to have you in my life”.

    Yeah I think I needed this before and I do need it now too

     

    How do you feel with her? If you feel lightness (as in not being criticized by her, not needing to behave in a certain way so she wouldn’t be offended, the ability to just be yourself without needing to present yourself in a certain way), that’s a good sign.

    Also, if you can let go of the need to change her, e.g. to judge her for her smoking, or for her “being on the verge of anger”, or for any other behaviour. If you would be embarrassed to introduce her to your parents, for example, that’s not a good sign. It means there is something that bothers us about the person’s behaviour, and we can’t accept them as they are but would like to change them.

    Well, you did say you want someone to baby you. So I guess you do long for that intimacy and closeness (physical and emotional) with someone. So this might increase your interest in her…

     

    I don’t feel at ease with her. I just get excited like a baby. And yeah lot of her behaviour, I simply can’t accept it for longer term. I think it’s just puppy love or infatuation. I don’t know if I’m trying to feel some void just like some distraction. So I try to reply her late and then she also does the same. Heck since yesterday I don’t like to talk to one of my friends who’s got into new relationship. Because she always be talking about how good and nice he is. I know as a friend I should be supportive but yeah I’m just not in the right mindset. But one thing is that yearning for is growing and I don’t like it. The more I try to resist it the more it’s growing

     

    You mean you feel like you are not wasting your time if you are dating and meeting new people? Perhaps you feel the pressure of settling down and starting a family, which is another expectation on yourself? (and it is actually coming from the outside, i.e. your own parents and family)?

    Hmm I don’t mean by dating more like adding better and meaning activities instead of mundane same routine everyday things. Nowadays I don’t feel the pressure of settling down. and dating is something new so.. I don’t know I still want to date just for fun not like creating deep and meaningful relationship but maybe that’s what alright for now?

     

    Yeah, that’s unfortunate because that’s when we are the most vulnerable and impressionable – as children. Believing that it doesn’t matter because they are children is exactly the opposite of truth.

    Yeah exactly!

     

    I don’t know, you might want to tell your sister that children are super sensitive, so teachers, doctors, coaches and other authority figures (as well as parents, of course) should be careful not to say hurtful things and humiliate them, specially in front of their peers, because those are the kinds of wounds that stay forever…

    I don’t raise my voice lot of times when I should, and then get angry after that. But next time I’ll try to explain them

     

    And I also watched video you suggested and so it was really relatable and insightful so thanks a lot. I felt like crying after watching that.

     

    Now I know that I need to work on shifting my beliefs

    feeling I’m not good enough and being hard on myself because critical father and he me feel little and I thought he was right

    So I was emphasizing I must be not worthy

    She also asked this really good question tell me about a time when you felt powerful. I need to think about this.

    Guided Visualization also seems like a very good practice to try  but I think feeling the truth is the hard part. Because it’s been so many years.

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