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SereneWolf

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  • #414461
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Oh :(( Please take extra care of yourself. I hope each day brings more comfort and strength. Praying for a good recovery.

     

    showing no understanding and a strong judgmental attitude. So you’re right, it’s probably for the best that you don’t have them as your client.

    Yes I think in Management and leadership this kind of things are important too. For professional relationships to grow, There should be good amount of mutual understanding, Not just a business POV.

     

    Yes, sensitivity is the same as vulnerability. You may think it’s your weakness, but at the end of the day, it’s your strength, specially in a romantic relationship. (Just as a side note, we’re not meant to be vulnerable in every relationship, of course, e.g. we don’t want to be sensitive/vulnerable with ill-meaning, toxic people!). However, in a romantic relationship, the goal is to be open and honest with each other, to be able to talk about our fears and weaknesses, and yet be understood and supported by the other – rather than blamed and judged.

    Yes you’re right and I’m understanding that now that how much energy and guts needs be sensitive and vulnerable. Yet it’s really important. The person we share sad times we bond with them are much stronger than when we’re just smiling around people even though spending more time with them.

     

    You did say a while ago that you feared sharing too much of your “imperfections” or problems, even if your girlfriend showed compassion, because you thought it would make you “weaker” than her. As if she would use the knowledge of your weaknesses to hurt you, rather than to help you and encourage you…

    So you might have a false belief, saying something like “if I show my weakness, I will be attacked”. Perhaps you’ve picked it up in your family of origin – because your father did indeed attack you and chastise you for showing even the slightest weakness? So you’ve learned to hide your weaknesses – not to be attacked?

    Yes you guessed it right. I do think it’s maybe because of that

    Alright, so you didn’t dare to say that something was bothering you openly, but you used passive aggressive means, such as sarcasm. You were afraid to openly admit that something is hurting you. In other words, you were afraid to openly admit that you are vulnerable and that the person has the power to hurt you. And so instead, you put a shield around your heart… and the language of a shielded heart is sarcasm.

    For example, instead of saying “it hurts me when you don’t reply to my texts for an entire day”, you say “I guess you’re so extremely busy that you don’t have time to reply to my texts”. It’s like sending a little poisonous arrow instead of being honest (and vulnerable) and saying “this hurts me”…

    Haha again I’m surprised how accurate you are… but yeah you’re on point!

     

    Right… you felt that they didn’t care, even though you’ve never openly expressed what was bothering you. Instead of being honest and vulnerable, you rather blamed it on them and called it quits…. So perhaps your shield started to go up as soon as the person was doing something that was hurting you, but you didn’t have the courage to admit it, and so you switched to sarcasm and started feeling resentment?

    Yes exactly! And the thing is whenever I needed something, and it wasn’t there. Like if we scheduled something and I’m giving it importance, but she isn’t, it would just make me furious even though I knew it’s not right to be angry on small matters like that and yet I was doing the silent treatment.

    #414220
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Helcat,
    How are you finding meditation? I found it tough when I started a couple of years ago.

    Same for me. I started with guided meditation first only with 5 minutes in the starting. Even currently I do 10 minutes after shower when I’m feeling fully fresh. Sometimes at the evening time without time limitation and let mind wonder to get the clear idea of what’s happening you know… It’s definitely helping for being mindful.

    I also walk every day and meditate for 15 minutes twice a day. I like to do a 15 minute stretch routine I found on YouTube too. I find that all of these practices help to manage pain.

    That’s good!

     

    I’m being very careful with what I’m eating because I’ve been having stomach issues. I noticed that emotional difficulties pop up when I’m having difficulty digesting. The mind / body connection is very interesting!

    Hmm interesting I’ll try to read more articles on this when I have some time

    I find that keeping a gratitude journal helps with my mental health. Before evening meditation I try and list a few small good things that happened during the day. This helps me sleep and develops a positive attitude.

    That’s great for me currently journaling is mostly depends on my mood when I feel like it I can write more than an hour and when I don’t, I just don’t but I’d prefer some consistency though. For Gratitude I’ve created gratitude prayer for things that I’m really grateful for and I really value. The first thing when I wake up is doing that prayer and at least for first 30 minutes not touching my phone. I also turn off Wi-Fi/data when I sleep, and I just only use it for some soothing instrumental music when I wake up in the morning.

     

     

    #414206
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    How are you doing?
    How are your exercises coming along?

     

    I was little busy. Finally, I got a really good opportunity for a Management Position and I’m on interview stage so I’m hoping to get this position. Because It seems really impactful and I read content of VP, Seems like I can learn lot from her.

     

    So, being motivated and driven: YES. But being like a drill sergeant to yourself: a big NO

    Yes, you’re right and I’m working towards putting good silence on that drill sergeant.

    Eg. Just few days ago I missed a meeting because I took a nap and I didn’t woke up on time. And was 5 minutes late. I guess he just logged off after 2-3 minutes. Client was furious and he said I don’t want to reschedule meeting because I didn’t attended meeting on time.
    So for a minute that sergeant woke up and just started saying things… Look what you did? You’re lazy and blah blah… But I was mindful about it and I listened and took it like it’s good that I didn’t work with impatient client like this. Yes, there was my fault but sometimes it’s good in disguise. I did felt down for a bit that day but I think I took care of it well

    Can she intuitively feel the energies?

    No I mean she asked me lot of questions beforehand so..

     

    A rigid layer around your heart could be the defense mechanism we’ve talked about: your fear of being emotionally hurt, and that’s why closing your heart and fearing intimacy. Because intimacy requires that we be vulnerable with the other person, that we show our weaknesses, but also that we admit how much we care about and depend on the other. That we admit that they can hurt us. That’s vulnerability.

    If we fear being hurt, we’ll close our heart, and we won’t allow anyone to get near. But we’ll also stay alone… So vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s actually a precondition for intimacy and happiness.

    Yes Exactly! And thanks for this great reminder! I think I will have to make some notes like this to remember every day that can help in changing my beliefs.

     

    Yes, that’s also a good analogy. In my mind, this rigid layer around the heart is more like a metal shield – protects the heart from being hurt, but doesn’t let anything/anyone inside. In order to soften things up, you’d need to remove the shield at least partially…

     

    Yes you’re right and I thought about it and I think the thing is that I know I’m sensitive. This could be my strength and my weakness. Both. But unconsciously I maybe still thinking more as a weakness and less as a strength. Means still there is some kind of fear.

    So now the question is that in your opinion how do you know what are your fears or limiting beliefs? How do you address them?

    Now thinking about your dynamic with girls, it could be that after the initial exuberance and vulnerability that you feel towards the girl (feeling very much in love, writing poems…), the fear comes up – the fear that you’ll be hurt. And so the shield goes up and you perhaps enter the drill sergeant mode, putting yourself in a superior position, trying to “improve” her… which helps you to feel less vulnerable. Because if you feel in charge and have the upper hand in the relationship, you feel she can’t hurt you as much?

    I am just musing here…. let me know if any of this rings true?

     

    Hmm I think I can’t disagree with this, but I can’t relate with this 100% either (In the present moment). Because as I’ve told you before I had kind of controlling behavior, so I did like having an upper hand most of the time. I always have to be the one who’s making “Right choices” even though sometimes it’s good only from my point of view. And maybe selfish as well?
    And as in vulnerable I think yes because I guess I was running from the things I didn’t liked to talk about even though it was important but after my first relationship I’ve decided to clarify things honestly ASAP whatever that is..

    Yet still there was times I wasn’t able to say things on their face like you’re doing this and it’s hurting me. I was just making sarcastic comment or neglecting on that and be like they should understand these “signals” and they will work on it. And when they haven’t changed their behavior patterns and did the same things over and over. I took it like they’re the ones not putting efforts (even though that they were somewhat aware of this) in this relationship only me who’s working for making it better. So I don’t want it and I’d just breakup.

    #414029
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Tomorrow is my first appointment…

    Okay good, Be sure to update me.

    Sure, and also, if you constantly feel the need to “improve” the person, pushing her to do this or that, she might feel she’s not good enough for you. She might feel criticized and judged, like she’s is with a strict parent, not an equal partner. So yes, more empathy and less control is key…

    Yes you said so well

    Good! So if she complains about something, first listen and empathize. Only then offer advice

    Yes, that’s what I’m doing. With lot of communication even with my friends and teammates

    Do what feels right to you.

    That’s what I believe in Yes

    Absolutely – if you feel you’re not ready for marriage, don’t do it. And yes, don’t settle for someone just because others are telling you it’s time to settle.

    Yes I know when it’s time to settle.

     

    Great! I am rooting for you!

    Oh Thanks!

     

    Well, you’ll see. You’ll need to spend some time together to see how she is in person. But don’t judge her by how tall she is or other physical features – her character and personality are much more important!

    You’re right lowering/mute the critic inside me would be lot better.

     

    And Today I had another therapy season.

    She said I’m doing lot better than she expected 😌

    Also I told her the things that I’m working on Empathy, compassion, Being Good enough for inner voice as well as treating child version of me with more love.etc

     

    Yet she told me she feels like I still have rigid layer around my heart. I’m more sensitive but changing my root beliefs and believe and love myself in healthier will take some more time

    And she gave me good example of window glass. What happens when you throw rock at the window glass? Not just that injure the people inside. Rigid things break easily. So let it at ease. Let it feel things let it be softer

    She told me if you’re able to being kind with others it’s time to be kind with yourself too.

    For that she suggested some Yoga and journaling but like in a way that I’m my own good friend she said it would also help for my compassion part as well

     

    Also she said I still have to work on my root chakra little bit more. My sacral chakra looks already good. But still we’ll work on that and after that Solar plexus chakra which she said I will have put more focus on.

     

    #413933
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    thank you for your good wishes. I hope that healing energies will come both from within and without, as I start physical therapy.

    For Sure. When you want to start physical therapy?

    that you were pushing her the same way you were pushing yourself to do more and better. So that’s one big lesson for your next relationship.

    Yes I agree and I think I realize now that the way I require freedom my partner will require freedom too and by pushing and kind of controlling is not the way. It wouldn’t make her feel safe and thus she’d try to pretend something… Am I right?

     

    I also remember that you said you didn’t like her complaining, and so you offered various solutions to fix the problem. But probably you lacked one key step: showing empathy for her problems. Instead, you rushed to solutions immediately. There is a funny video about that, where this is taken to the extreme. It’s on youtube, titled “It’s not about the nail”, by Jason Headley”. Talks exactly about fixing vs just listening/empathizing…

    Haha short but on point video. I’m definitely appreciating listening/empathizing.

    That’s fine, you don’t need to get married right away.

    Okay so this might be the also reason that I feel behind sometimes. My family and friends do expect me get married and be settled ASAP. (Not forcing but still)
    Lot of my friends who are even younger than already got married and some have kids as well. Because here getting married in your late 20s considered lot more normal and safer.

    But I know well that I’m not ready for marriage. I still have my goals to accomplish. And I started to believe in slow love as well. Guess I’m still hopeless romantic!

    You can find someone who, like you, isn’t rushing to get married, but wants to enjoy life, travel, perhaps accomplish some professional/career goals first… There are girls like that out there, not everyone wants to get married and have children right away.

    Hmm Right as you said not easy to find but possible. And I think right one will come. No need to rush 🙂

    You’d need to look for a compatible person, with similar goals and values, and also similar interests. She doesn’t have to like everything that you do, but there should be at least some compatibility, e.g. being an outdoors person, or loving adventure, or whatever is important to you. You can have a committed relationship with such a person, and yet, it wouldn’t require you to give up on some of your career or other life goals.

    Yes that’s exactly what I’ve decided!

     

    Well, guys like to suggest such things, but you said it yourself that it wouldn’t be fulfilling, and it could indeed hurt you. It’s not even your style, and I know that if we force ourselves to do something that go against our principles, it’s never a good thing and we always get burned.

    Obviously and the thing is if I do something that’s against my principles and values it’d be even hard to sleep for me.

     

    Yes, you can try it and see if she is compatible to you, e.g. if she isn’t rushing to settle down but is more relaxed about it. Or if there are common interests that you can both enjoy in your free time. Or if she seems genuine, not pretending…

    Well as of now I think she’s not rushing to settle down but I guess there might be fewer common interests. I’m guessing because she’s not minimalistic like me, likes noisy places, Extrovert. But she’s outgoing and upright honest about things which I liked about her. Also she’s not that much tall but I’ll manage. Okay I’m hard to please I know but maybe I’ll find other good qualities? 😂

     

    #413732
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    yes I’ve been to the doctor. I’ll have to go to physical therapy and hopefully that should help… it’s not that simple, but I am hoping that physical therapy will relieve the symptoms.

    I see, I hope you’ll be alright and may you able to create the healing energy for your own self.

    In fact, I am trying do something that makes me very anxious with respect to my career. But still, I want to try…

    In a way that’s really a good step as well. So you should be proud of that. How is your freelancing journey going on?

     

    Good that you haven’t pretended that much in your 2nd relationship. But you’ve mentioned that she saw you as quite critical, pushing her to do things quicker and faster (perhaps similar to how you’ve been pushing yourself?). And you were impatient because she wasn’t following your suggestions? Perhaps in your “brutal honesty”, you were lacking compassion? Again, lack of compassion for both yourself and for her as well?

    Yes you analysed it right. I was projecting my things on her. Which wasn’t healthy. But I believe I did learn some compassion from her. She was trying for that but I wasn’t listening and just blindly driven

     

    You’re welcome! Yes, take is slowly, step by step, and see what response you’re getting…

    Yes for sure!

     

    I got you. You fear commitment… do you think it’s because you never want to get  married (because it seems like a burden, loss of freedom, or something similar), or you don’t want to get stuck with someone who’s not right for you?

    I want to get married. I know that because I love kids. But if I get married now I do fear loss of freedom and it’s just that I just have lot to do, still lot to see in this world, lot to accomplish. And another thing is that deep down I think it’s really hard to find the right person (Considering the current dating & relationship scenario). So better to wait… No need be in hurry for that.

     

    So you want to be in a non-committed, casual relationship with someone who is afraid of commitment like you are? Someone who won’t force you to commit, but will just enjoy the time spent together but not want deeper (emotional) intimacy?

    As per my situation 2 of my friends suggested me that. And it’s definitely new for me because I haven’t tried that before I know it’s really complex thing to do. Is there something in between relationship middle of casual and committed? 😆

     

    I mean, you can do that, I am sure, but how fulfilling will it be? And what will you learn that way? In my opinion, getting into casual relationships can cause more trouble than good, so I wouldn’t use it for learning. Because it may come with a price, of being heart-broken, or even getting an STD (sorry for being “brutally honest”).

     

    Well you’re right it would just make the heart feels empty one way or another. I believe in safe sex or even being tasted first, so rare to none chance for STD

    So I wouldn’t take that route, but would rather take the lessons you’ve learned so far, and try to do it differently next time: take things slow, step by step. Open up with one vulnerable thing, and see how she reacts. Be more compassionate both toward yourself and towards her… So, apply the things that we’ve talked about already.

     

    I’m still thinking about it too. Because one of the girl texted me to spend this weekend with her. To be honest at first, I was really tempted. But I do want to taking things slow and step by step as you said… So I told her for next week and maybe I’ll meet and see how things goes from there

    And yeah, I’m working on my compassion and empathy as well 😊

    #413709
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    I am a little better and a little more optimistic, thank you for asking. Having a doctor appointment tomorrow, so we’ll see…

    I’m glad to know that, I believe you’ve visited the doctor by now?

    He did tell him some wise things indeed. I guess his words – to find out who you are and follow your own path – are an inspiration to you too?

    Yes I strongly believing in creating in my own path instead of walking on others path that they’ve created. doesn’t matter how great they were

     

    Haha, no way. I am anxious person, with plenty of adrenaline and cortisol in my system, so no need to feel more alive by scaring myself to death

    You literally just made an anxiety joke 😂 But I’m telling you, you can try with very small things first. Maybe it would be helpful for your anxiety.

    If so, it seems both of you were pretending…. and eventually you broke it off. So perhaps it can be a lesson for you: that if you pretend, or both of you pretend to be something you’re not, it doesn’t end well, and it’s not even attractive to you. That honesty and authenticity is much better, even if it might feel scary at first.

    Yes but it doesn’t mean like It was only pretending and nothing else. Thing is that she had some expectations from me, Which indeed wasn’t wrong. She was insecure so…
    And in my previous relationship I didn’t pretend anything and mostly said how it is and maybe sometimes brutally honest which I guess may have hurt her in some way as well but yeah.

     

    Well, you don’t need to tell her all your deepest secrets on your first date. You need to take it slow and see how she responds to something honest and vulnerable (i.e. less than perfect) that you share about yourself. If she doesn’t like you being honest, or she cannot really empathize with you, that’s a big red flag. But if she can, and she is also sharing about herself, and there’s a mutual understanding (rather than criticism, mocking, feeling superior or inferior to the other…) – that’s a very good sign.

    Hmm I think that’s super helpful. Thanks! This would be really helpful for me on how much should I open up in relationships

    You’ve already had several failed relationships, so you know your patterns. Perhaps you’re also aware of what contributed to the breakup, and even what is your responsibility in it? If you know your patterns and your fears, you could talk about it in therapy and try to work on it, rather than take those same patterns and fears into a new relationship.

    I’ve just watched a video by Henry Cloud, where he said: “What’s going to be new and different this time other than you wanting it to be new and different?” I think it can be applied it to relationships too: If you haven’t worked on those fears, or false beliefs or whatever – what is going to be different in your next relationship, other than you wanting it to be different? You know what I mean?

     

    Yes I got your point. I have to work on this first. And I believe for my pattern there was mainly fear of commitment involved as well. But what I’m saying is that if it’s my fear of commitment then I’m not even looking for a commitment. I’m not that much old to look for a commitment either. Another thing is that there are probably woman like me who’s also have fear of commitment as well.. Then instead of just focusing on fear (Which I have to I know, and it does take time) why not just go with the flow and learn that way?

    #413618
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    How are you feeling today?

    Have you already visited the doctor?

     

    I like the quote, but it’s apparently not something that Buddha said, but Charlie Chaplin. I hope it’s still true

    Lol I think I read it in some article like years ago since then I was like it’s Buddha who said this but thanks for clarifying

     kind general seems like a perfect candidate for a positive father figure

    Yup Definitely. I love the way he mentors his nephew (Prince Zuko), My fav scene is when Uncle Iroh says to his nephew “IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO LOOK INWARD AND START ASKING YOURSELF THE BIG QUESTION: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?” because his Nephew wanted a validation and respect from his father (Fire Lord) so he thought The mission his father gave it’s his destiny, and he was working so hard towards it. So that’s why Uncle Iroh also tells him “THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A LIFE OF PEACE AND PROSPERITY.”

     

    as long as you don’t put yourself in a high-risk situations, like climbing high mountains in winter, or climbing frozen waterfalls (an acquaintance of mine is doing just that!).

    I think little risk taking is good for that adrenaline to go on sometimes. Just to makes me feel more alive. Climbing frozen waterfalls?? Well that does sound tricky. Have you tried anything like that before?

    I wonder how safe and comfortable you felt in your previous relationships? I mean, did you feel you can be yourself completely or you felt you needed to pretend in some way?

    I wouldn’t say 100% safe. Because I did had trust issues and I wouldn’t just open up to anyone. So it was like being comfortable as the time goes. But in my first relationship I did feel like I had to pretend the strong and understanding type in every way possible.

    But being totally yourself in the starting is even possible? You know what I mean? It’s just not easy to describe

    You talked about the pattern that you’ve noticed in yourself: that at first you might like her “a lot”, write poems etc, and then if she reciprocates, you get cold feet, i.e. you start feeling trapped. So if this is your pattern, you might end up moving on even if you really like the girl in the beginning. What I am trying to say that if you don’t work on your fear of intimacy, you might be repeating the same pattern again and again…

     

    Right I know I have to work on my fear of intimacy.. maybe that’s why I don’t feel so deep in relationships? But like what could be other options available for me? I mean for experimentation like without being with someone how can I work on fear of intimacy? And it’s not like I’m already planning to find a life-partner. You can take this as like fear of commitment too 😆

     

    Hm.. if I understood your pattern well, you get attached very quickly (writing poems etc), but then you get afraid of your attachment (and I guess your strong feelings for the girl), and you start feeling trapped. You don’t want to feel so dependent and needy, and so you start cooling down and distancing yourself? At least that’s how I understood you so far.

    Ohh I haven’t thought of it this way… But it could be..

     

    #413437
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    thank you for your kind words and optimism. I agree that hope is the most important, and it’s also true that due to some bad luck (health-wise) in the past 3 years, I am starting to be less optimistic, and it’s a problem. But I am trying to be hopeful and really believe that things will turn out for the best now…

    I can understand when we don’t see good in particular thing for a while we tend to lose hope. I’ve been through that. Times like this I’d like to remember myself Buddha’s quote – Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles. And another thing you should remind yourself that you’re already taking care of your body in best way possible.

     

    I am glad I could help you in that process – of becoming more of who you really are.

    Well as they say – We don’t meet anyone by an accident

     

    Good! I don’t know this character, but a well-meaning, kind uncle is definitely a good father figure

    Haha even if you don’t know the character you just described him well. You can also search Uncle Iroh philosophy. I think you’d like it

     

    I meant consequences of getting punished by your parents, or simply your parents worrying sick?

    My mom never gets angry at me. As for my father at that time I knew even little thing could make him angry. So I was like I’ll face him or just hear his few words…

     

    It’s good you weren’t a fearful child and you had faith that you’d be saved, no matter what. But as I said, it’s better not to provoke destiny by doing reckless things… How is it now? Are you a fan of extreme sports or not so much?

    Thankfully I’m not into extreme sports and I’m not being reckless like my teenage years. But I love wandering in nature and hiking. And for hiking sometimes I do push my body limits quite a lot. But even that with being mindful like when I’m 99% sure that my body is able to take this.

    Glad you liked it. I think the expansive and the contracting force can also be called yin and yang, i.e. the feminine and the masculine principle. Too much masculine leads to too much expansion and acquisition, which are unsustainable. Too much feminine leads to stagnation, paralysis, decay…

    I’ve did some research and I’m not surprised even that for balancing they’re saying mindfulness comes first, after that body health and being in nature. Which all 3 I’m doing every day. But I know there’s more than that so

    Oh so you practically adopted her? That’s nice!

    There’s just something different about pet love. I already feel like I love her more than any of my previous girlfriends 😂

    I knew you were considering it, but didn’t know you have actually broken up with your LD girlfriend in the meanwhile.

    I’ve broken up just after a week I wrote.

    You mean you want to start online dating again? Perhaps limit it to girls from your area, so you can actually meet in person too. But as we’ve talked about it before, I guess there is also a fear of intimacy there, so a part of you doesn’t really want to get too close, including being in physical vicinity either?

    Before starting dating, I’d work on this fear of intimacy, best in therapy. Because if you don’t, you might bump into the same problems again…

     

    Online and offline both. Of course, around my area. But in February or March I’m moving to another city so I’ll plan it like that.
    You’re right but again I’ll be taking this as experimentations and see how my emotions are reacting to all of this and then proceed if I like her “a lot.” Otherwise just move on. In relationships I think I learned how to not get attached quickly and move on before it’s too late. Thanks to equanimity.

    #413319
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hello Tee,

    I’m having some health issues that have surfaced only recently, in the last couple of weeks or so, and which do worry me. I am looking for treatment options and hoping for the best. Please don’t ask me about the details, I don’t feel like sharing too much about it at this point. But thank you for inquiring about my well-being, I do appreciate it.

     

    Oh I’m sorry to hear that. And it’s okay if you’re not comfortable about the details. Due to my reckless behaviour sometimes, I do have good experience about hospitals and treatments and one thing I strongly believe in is HOPE. And there’s always a way. So I hope you’ll be alright.

     

    I am glad you found some peace of mind in that Henry Cloud’s video. Yes, you’re already doing a lot – realizing your issues, asking for help (both here and in therapy), and making concrete steps, practicing new things, slowly but surely changing your approach.

    Yes I’m glad for that. I honestly believe things are working out for me and I can feel the change. Before I was holding tight on beliefs that I had which didn’t let me make progress even though I wanted to. But since I realized that having work on something doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, Not all are perfect and we all have to work on ourselves, improving. To be more Being You. So I highly appreciate you and all the people who helped and helping me for being ME.

     

    What you need is to strengthen the compassionate, good parent part, who will tell the drill sergeant to back off. Who will protect you from his demands, his cruelty and his lack of empathy. You are already developing this compassionate part, and your goal is to strengthen it further.

    So each time when you hear the voice telling you “this isn’t enough, this is so far from where you need to be, you need to speed things up, you’re such a disappointment…” – you need to tell him to BACK OFF. Like a good parent would protect his child from a bully, you need to protect yourself from this bully in your head. You need to stop listening to him.

    If the army analogy resonates with you, you can even imagine that this empathic guy, who will put the drill sergeant in his place, is someone higher in rank (a colonel, lieutenant or general – if I understood the military ranks correctly). So a colonel might tell the drill sergeant to back off and leave you alone. Or, if you don’t like the military analogy, you can come up with another person you admire, who is a kind, warm and empathic father figure.

     

    Thanks for the really good example and analogy. You’re right I think that would help a lot for strengthen my compassion.  I might have an idea for this. I watch a lot of anime so I’ll try to find a good guiding figure which I admire. (I’m thinking about Uncle Iroh from Avatar but I’ll research more)

     

    But I wonder if you knew that they would be worried and went to explore anyway, or you thought there wouldn’t be any consequences? Or your curiosity was stronger and you couldn’t stop yourself, even if you knew your parents would be worried?

     

    Hmm As far as I remember I think my curiosity was stronger. And for consequences I thought what can happen? I kind of had that confidence that I wouldn’t die and I’ll be saved no matter what

    some spiritual teachings it’s called the expansive principle, which is necessary for growth. The problem is if we take it to the extreme by e.g. doing reckless things, which might endanger our life and our health. Or if we work ourselves to death and never rest, all in the name of  “expansion”, growth and excellence.

    You see what I mean? Too much expansion can be bad… unless we balance it with self-care, nurturance, rest, tending to what we have, rather than thinking of new acquisitions all the time. This other principle is called the contracting principle, and it’s a necessary force in the universe, otherwise things would blow apart. We are in harmony when both principles are in harmony within us, neither of them overly dominating. Alright, maybe this is too much philosophy, but I am mentioning it anyway, in case you find it helpful…

     

    That’s really interesting and indeed a good balance example. I actually love philosophy so don’t worry haha.. I’ll research for those terms in details because I do frequently think about the new acquisitions otherwise, I feel like I’m behind and not learning or doing enough

    That’s sweet! Just give her (or leave her) some food, she’ll sure come again!

    She’s mostly spending her time at my place anyways haha. Currently she’s sleeping on my lap.

     

    Were you talking to her while you were in a LDR with another girl?

    No.

    You’ve mentioned some problems in your current LDR – are you still with that girl?

    No, I think you misunderstood. I also limited that relationship only for friendship. Because after giving a thought I want a more physical relationship not where I have to spend much time on texting but doing activities together. But Nowadays I’m just more focused with my career too. But I’m thinking about starting dating. I think I need that otherwise I’d be just too introvert around woman face to face. And another thing is that LDR or In-Person relationships I’ve never proposed any woman so…

    #413173
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Also, how you can make text color blue here?

    #413172
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,
    How are you?

    So today in my YouTube dashboard One of the Henry Cloud’s video showed up and It really lightened me up. “These Stages Will Help You Change Emotionally Unhealthy Patterns” in this video I’ve realize one of the things about my impatience.
    In that he talks about that Realizing that you need to work on your emotional health and you’re already within the supportive group (Thanks to you as well) Which makes You already way down the road. It’s a progress and he gives an example about an oak tree. Like we can’t directly grow a tree. So we have to surrender to the progress first. Planting the seed, taking care and gardening.etc
    Which helps for quickly and “NOW” pressure.

     where he said that unless we don’t change anything in our routine, what difference will a flip of the calendar make?  

    So True and since we’re habitual creatures it’s not easy to change habits without good enough reason

     

    When is it the hardest for you to be compassionate with yourself? Maybe if you can give me an example?

    Hmm I’m not sure about this. And To be honest I don’t have an actual idea how to be really compassionate with myself because most of the time I put other’s need first, Even though I know that this isn’t good for me. Also sometimes I need answers to questions going on my head right away even though it’s a complex questions. Which makes me overthinking and criticizing myself even more.

    Remember that you told me about making mistakes? so yeah it’s also there as well
    But the some of the things does helping me that I’m trying
    Like treating myself like I’m my own best friend

    Being Mindful
    And I’m not in need of validation from others

    So if I understood you well, you are action-oriented and strive to implement new things ASAP, without too much thinking about it and analyzing it in advance, because if you do, you’ll end up overthinking and it will drain your energy. Is this what you’re saying? So you just plunge into it right away, and see what happens?

    I do analyze it like a quick analysis and implement it

     

    I want to learn how to be a great leader by the end of the month, and I need to introduce the employee’s feedback box and all these other novelties, because that should help me become a great leader in 30 days” – well that would be putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I don’t know what your attitude is, but perhaps it’s something similar to the latter?

    Yes I know that well that being a great leader takes time. But even though in few months I feel like I worked a lot on my soft skills I’m still not proud of myself and still wanting more and more… You know what I mean?

     

    You’re kind of curious and relaxed about the outcome.

    This is what I’m trying for yet still sometimes even though I’m sure that it’s not a big deal still I get worried little things for no reason

    And too afraid indeed, because you weren’t trying to do anything dangerous or reckless,

    Okay so about that, I was doing some things in my childhood that my parents considered reckless. Eg. Skipping my primary school classes sometimes to see lion in the green fields of my village. Or just foxes or deer. But with group of people obviously not all alone. Because It was really exciting for me. I’ve literally seen how lioness gave birth to a lion cub and I still remember that moment vividly.
    Another time I was crazy enough to walk down on the unknown road for 12kms just because I wanted to find out where it goes because there wasn’t any sign and I asked one man there what’s there and he laughed and told me why you don’t find out? because I don’ know, So I walked but luckily at the evening time another man from my village was there and he got me back home safely.

    My father was furious, and my mom was crying. = more restrictions for me

    I was around 8-9 years old that time.

     

    I can relate because my mother refused to buy me a bike, because she was afraid I’d get overrun by a car… And so I’ve never learned how to ride a bike in my childhood, and it got ever more difficult as I got older. I did try it as an adult but never got good at bike riding… because of my mother’s fears.

    Oh same thing happened to me for motorcycle. I was last of my siblings to learn a motorcycle because my father was like you can’t learn as your little brother did. My little brother also learned car driving and I’m still not motivated enough to learn driving a car.

    But yeah one thing I excel is bicycling. I love it. It gives me more fun vibes. I still listen to classic songs wearing earphones and go for a bicycle ride instead of evening walk sometimes. So if you want you can try to learn again

     

    My mother was certainly like that, and I myself was quite an anxious child too, so I stayed by my mother’s side rather than venturing out to explore the world…

    And what about now? Now you have curiosity to explore or you’re already tired?

     

    Luckily, you were a different type. You didn’t allow yourself to get intimidated by them. You ventured out on your own, and dared to try many new things.

    Haha yeah one thing I’m proud of!

    I wonder if the push to always try new things and never give yourself a break is in part related to your fear of being “subdued” and made dependent/controlled by your parents? A subconscious fear that if you don’t keep moving, they’ll catch up with you and “restrain” you and you’ll lose your freedom?

    Hmm I’m not actually worried about losing my freedom because I’m really independent now and my parents knows well about my freedom mindset. But maybe I still have to look deeper about what I’m grateful for and actually be happy about it. Instead of running for one goal to another.

     

    Also another things I want to tell you

    One little kitten started to come to my place frequently so she’s kind of my pet now. Even though I don’t know much about taking care of cats I’m loving this 😀

     

    Another thing, So There’s this girl, few months ago and she wanted to be in relationship with me and I told her no and after that we were just talking sometimes. Like two times a week or even less. Nothing Romantic.
    But since she told me she found a boyfriend I don’t know why I feel confused. I mean I know well why I told her no because I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I don’t know that why is it happening like it’s the intimacy that I’m craving or it’s just sexual frustration or something else?

    #413069
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,
    Thanks for your wishes

    Do you make new year resolutions every year?

    if your parents judge you, you won’t judge yourself. In other words, to have compassion for yourself, even if your parents don’t.

    Yes, that is what I’m trying to do but it’s no easy thing to be honest

     

    Right.. so your inner critic took over the judgemental attitude of your parents and is pushing you to perform faster, better…. An image comes to mind of you being like a jockey, pushing and hitting your horse to run faster and faster… and being angry at him if he cannot run so fast.

    Yes kind of like that. You understood the situation so well

     

    Which means you’re not compassionate with yourself when it comes to learning new skills and your job performance in general.

    Remember when I told you that I believe in action-oriented things? So It’s because of this, otherwise I just dwell in overthinking about outcomes, and it takes lot of time and drain my energy as well. Although it still happens sometimes

     

     Maybe you wanted to move away from your parents’ relentless judgment… 

    Maybe yes.. That time first thing I wanted was Freedom which I have now and I’m really appreciating it. And If I didn’t moved out I don’t think I’d be developed this much as per mindset.

    Because my parents are overprotective. For example I started swimming classes and after a week I’ve told them but at village in my teenage years they be like don’t go inside deep water and do this and that and me and my siblings weren’t allowed to go swimming without my cousin who’s an expert swimmer, but I didn’t learned swimming like that. Even when I started swimming lessons, they asked hundreds of questions. If I’m getting watery eyes, Water is too cold and blah blah.. But finally I’ve learned swimming because My parents weren’t around me to stop.

     

    Just this weekend my uncle and his family came to visit and stayed for 2 days. With his wife and a little boy and I noticed the same thing. No freedom. Kite festival is around the corner but my uncle and aunt is too much concerned about the little hand cuts (Only if he’s too much careless) So they didn’t allow him to play with kites. I feel for that kid.

     

    So the thing that I noticed is that first of all even parents are not believing in their kids that they can handle themselves and making them feel more dependent or not enough, which is kind of true reality for lot of families here nowadays.

     

    But the thing is that by that time your inner critic had already soaked in their judgments, and so you’ve become your own worst critic. Even if your parents are (or seem) much milder nowadays, it is you who is pushing yourself hard…

    Yes I agree with this. That’s why I’m trying to be mindful about my inner voice now even though nowadays it’s keep telling what’s next? what are you doing?

     

     

     

    #412987
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee!
    Sending the warmest wishes for a wonderful new year with good luck and great adventures! Have a sparkling Happy New Year 2023! 🤗🌟🙏

    an acquaintance of mine has hypothyroidism because his thyroid is physically too small. He doesn’t have Hashimo (i.e. the structure of the gland is fine), but it is simply too small to produce enough hormone. And so he needs to take supplementation.

     

    Right I got what you mean. I’ve talked to my doctor he told me that for Hashimoto or Hypothyroidism both have the same hormone supplements. And as per my levels he said I have Hypothyroidism. But to be reassured I can take the ultrasound test so I’ll take the test later on.

     

    perhaps you fear they would judge you again?

    I guess but I don’t want this fear because it’s limiting fear

     

    But even if they aren’t judgmental anymore, it is your inner critic that is judging you for not being good enough, for not meeting your own expectations as quickly as possible.

    This is so true because of my impatience

     

     However, I think that a part of your motivation comes from the feeling of not being good enough, i.e. the inner critical voice is pushing you to master all these skills as soon as possible. Which is making you feel overwhelmed and lagging behind.

    Again right but I talked about this with a friend and she told me that striving to be better ain’t wrong just being self-compassionate along is what should I do…

     

    it seems to me that a part of your motivation for learning stems from not wanting to disappoint your parents. Would you say that’s true?

    Hmm for this I’d say that I’m not sure. But could be the root cause because Since teenage Most of the time my expectations are higher from myself first.

     

    #412808
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    I’m glad to hear that

    So it’s hypothyroidism… could be autoimmune disease too (Hashimoto syndrome). That’s why I’d check it on the ultrasound as well, just to be sure.

    Hmm I think you’re right; I’ve looked it up and symptoms are quite similar. And since it could be gene based and more likely to happen to women, I’ll suggest my mom for this test too!

     

    It gets “engraved” into our brain…

    Yes so I’m trying to erase that engraved thing. I literally had a dream like a week ago before my parents planning to visit, and I was anxious what’s going to happen. But thankfully everything went well.

     

    So you feel you don’t need their approval and validation any more, but you do fear you’d disappoint them?

    Yes. Like even for little things sometimes

     

    That’s a good way to soothe yourself. You’re having lots of compassion for yourself. And you’re telling yourself that everything will be fine, which is a good way to reassure yourself. So you’re doing a great job parenting your inner child!

    Yes I think I’ve been hard on myself for quite a while so I’m trying to take the mini steps towards self-compassion

     

    Yes, I need to try it and see what works and what doesn’t… for me.

    For sure and taking forward steps towards that will definitely give you more confidence to do it even more

     

    Another thing, how you’re noting things down? For Learning in general. I’m thinking about creating the new framework for learning for kind of the soft skills and things I have to work on…
    So I needed your opinion because I do feel overwhelmed sometimes

     

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