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May 27, 2023 at 12:06 pm #419282

SereneWolf
Participant

Heyya Tee,

How’s your weekend going?

Yeah sure, that’s what I meant: you were/are feeling down because you are missing your cat. And that’s what makes you more susceptible to overeating (which is a form of misguided self-soothing and self-regulation). We feel comforted when we eat, and you needed comfort, so it’s kind of logical…

That makes sense

Haha… no. If caring about your cat and petting her gave you emotional relief, you should find a new cat, not a new girlfriend

I kinda already have a new cat (Even though it’s not mine) But I mean like someone to share that grief with?

That’s nice of your neighbor, but perhaps you need a little more time before adopting another cat?

I guess so because she makes me miss her even more. Although she’s a feral cat. So not easy to handle. She almost looks like a tiny cute cheetah.

Usually when we watch TV while eating, we end up eating more, because we don’t really pay attention to food and our sense of being satiated. Is this your experience too?

Yes it’s like that

Btw, are you binge eating on healthy food or comfort food, if I may ask?

I’m very aware of what I eat so 99% of the time it’s heathy handmade cooked food.

Right… well, it’s still primarily your physical looks/well-being that she is interested in. Because she notices that you’re skinny, and so she asks if you’re stressed. Maybe she is interested in your emotional well-being too. But to be honest, based on what you told me about your childhood, I don’t think your mother had/has a real interest in your emotional well-being. Because when you were exposed to your father’s rage attacks, she would tell you to tolerate it and not make a fuss about it. So that’s not really emotionally supportive.

Well you do have a point there but we can’t point out that single thing for her emotional support can we? Because she and my grandma lifted me up when I was feeling down time to time.

Oh so you were basically vegan! That’s tough, I tried it once, and it was too much for me. I would be fine being a vegetarian, I don’t really need meat. But I do need dairy products, so veganism is not for me.

Well yeah I started to like dairy products more, Specially yogurt and buttermilk. I still don’t consume cheesy things, but I’ll try more cheesy recipes when I’m in different country.

Cool… But one thing to keep in mind is that a part of your “calmness” is suppressing your anger, right? I mean, you appear calm in front of people, but inside you might be boiling. That’s a very useful skill (control of emotional reactions), and I guess you developed it by mindfulness? But on the log run, the goal is to heal some of that anger, so that you don’t feel so threatened and afraid of judgment in social situations.

Yes I agree with you, But nowadays I feel anxious and scared like lot of What Ifs, What if it this happens and what if this goes wrong which is depleting my energy and self-esteem

Yes, we are attracted to people who possess the qualities we don’t, or which we might have suppressed. So if you are calm (or at least seem calm) and detached, and she is too emotionally reactive, your calmness and poise is what might have attracted her to you. So what we believe we miss, we look for in others. Or for example, the person who is shy and lacks self-esteem might be attracted to someone who is self-confident and extroverted.

Ahh Right I guess that’s what happened between me and her. And yeah I’m somewhat easily attracted to “Extroverted” Types but then I find them too much… But tbh finding introvert girl isn’t easy and even if you do you have to have lot of patience and it’s irritating if there will be no results after the input.

Talking about her, we met yesterday and she asked me that if it’s okay If we still be in physical things. And I’m thinking about saying yes. Because maybe ignoring my physical needs isn’t letting me properly focus on more important day to day things?

That’s good! He might have sensed that you’re fragile and sad, due to your cat’s death, and so he was behaving himself. Or perhaps even your mother told him to behave himself…

I don’t know what happened but I’m glad at least he sensed that much or even listened to my mother.

I understand… you believe everybody is like your father or grandfather. Or maybe like your mother, who wasn’t always honest with you? (You did say you don’t like when people act kind to you, only to get something from you. And I think you mentioned your family in that context too.) So you might have a really bad model there: the people closest to you either being very judgmental, or not being honest (not having the purest intentions) when they praised you?

Yes that’s right that’s how it was in my childhood, For example my father gave me the very expensive bike because I ranked first in my primary school.

Well, we need to have discernment of course. But if you hear the same praise from more people, that should tell you it’s most probably true. If you cannot accept compliment at all, that’s a sign that the inner critic has the upper hand.

I’m just starting to be more open about compliments. Before I wouldn’t even give an attention to it. Now I think it would be better for my self-esteem. Because it has more “Evidence” to backup. Because inner critic is super rational and have more negative perception and I think providing evidence would help.

Also I had a session with my therapist. She said I’m doing good so far.

She even told me that I don’t listen to my inner critic that much like before, Which is impressive she said that lot of the people she worked with it took lot of time but I’m doing well in shorter time span. She also said how much things I’m doing on my own (Also with your help 😉 So thanks)

She asked me lot of questions about my current situation and how I feel. And said that my inner child wants to live in slower pace, but my fierce need to get things done doesn’t letting it happen. That’s why I feel restless. And like that I have many two-faced tendencies like that I need to work on.

May 21, 2023 at 5:48 am #419034

SereneWolf
Participant

Hello Tee,

I am on the lookout for other healing modalities, since the pain is fluctuating, it always comes back. So I need to find something that will give me a more lasting relief.

I see, I hope you find a good one. Take care of yourself 😊
How’s your weekend going?

I am sorry about that. It could be that the loss of your cat leads you to feeling more sensitive and down. And this can contribute to resorting to self-soothing tools, such as overeating. Because a lot of us use food to soothe ourselves, specially if the only nurturing we had in childhood was physical nurturing. If instead of being emotionally nurtured, we were given food whenever we were upset, that’s a perfect recipe for developing eating disorders later.

I mean you’re right but I think it’s also could be like I’m not someone who mostly misses someone? Not even people who are really close to me, But I do miss my cat maybe that’s why? Because it’s kind of a dysregulation? And I accept that she did gave me like a good emotional relief so now I’m like should I find a new gf and cuddle her? Just for that emotional relief you know…But I know it’s not a proper fix.

Also good news is that since my Neighbour (If you remember I play with her kid) rescued a cat and told me that I can have her as long as I want, It does making me feel little better but still making me miss her more.

And yup as you guessed I’m overeating and even (like the most time) to not overthink while eating I started watching anime or movie while having my meals.

Seems you mother was similar to mine: mostly interested in your physical nurturance (and physical well-being), but in terms of emotions, not really supportive.

Well she does asks me if I’m stressed about something or not, because they think one of the reason people are skinny is that they’re stressed. And also, she’s not much aware about modern mental health things (Americans have like hundreds of them and like each trait have a name)

Yes, that too is typical. I’ve just watched a video on binge eating, which explains that by the evening we have already been exposed to various stressors during the day, and our stress tolerance gets depleted. That’s why we have a greater need to soothe ourselves in the evening. Besides, that’s when most of the people come home from work and have the need to relax and unwind… and so eating too much becomes a part of that ritual.

Oh that’s right it does makes sense!

The title of the video is “How to stop binge eating“, by psychotherapist Kati Morton. She also explains what to do to help ourselves. One of her suggestions, in fact her first suggestion, is the same what you doctor friend told you: to eat at least 3-4 times a day, and to have snacks in between to prevent getting extremely hungry and then overeat.

She has other useful tips too, like not restraining yourself and dieting because that’s only going to produce a counter-effect. Also to observe our inner voice, because the inner critic can get very loud when we overeat, or don’t eat as healthy as we would like to. I know from my own experience that I used to berate myself for my ED, and it was strengthening my inner critic, making me feel very bad about myself. And then I’d need something to soothe myself, and ended up eating again.. so it was a vicious circle.

Hmm yeah that’s true back then I used to be very aware of my “Diet” and always thinking like this food is bad and that food is bad so in my early teens (When I just started using internet)

How is this food and blah blah because there would be some articles which would be saying that yeah this food is bad. So because of that I didn’t had like healthy fats and mostly pure vegetarian for a very long time, I’d be eating mostly green vegetables, No milk or even rice because I thought it makes people fat and because years of misconception my body just adapted it like that. So that’s what I’m trying to change.

She seems like a pretty self-observant person, willing to learn and grow. She was honest with you and explored the reasons why she felt like going back to her ex. And she realized that it’s maybe because she is scared of being alone. But now, she’s realized that this is exactly what she needs… So a learning moment for her! I like her

Haha okay so even for this I’m somewhat responsible, Because we did talk deep level things and she did asked me about the way I am and you know that she likes my “Calm” so I did tell her very clearly that it’s all self-awareness and mindfulness. So she got more interested about self-improvement and stuff so

Hmmm, yeah, I mean you gave her a different perspective. And maybe she does need to find herself a little more, to become less needy and less craving for attention, for being the center of her partner’s universe. Because she did say things like that, if I remember well. If that’s the case, she’d need to learn how to be more self-sufficient. Which is what you’re an expert in

Hmm I see, So a question, so as human beings do we always try to fulfil other people that we’re good at? If so, Why is this drive?

It’s good that you don’t tolerate his open criticism, so he isn’t even trying any more. I just wanted to ask you if there was a situation where he started criticizing you but you stopped him. But then I remembered that you mentioned that you did challenge him once on the phone and told him that if he cannot talk to you normally, better not talk at all, right? And then he hang up, but then called you back a few days later?

Yes that’s right

I guess that was his lesson, and he learned that he can’t be openly rude with you. And I can imagine your mother talked to him too and convinced him to speak nicely to you… So I guess he is suppressing his need to judge you, but it’s still there in him, and comes out indirectly, in the form of those veiled remarks and comparisons with other people.

I guess so yeah.. They visited me this weekend with both of my siblings. And so far this time he didn’t even compared this time.

But for that, you’d need to be judgment-proof. Almost like bullet-proof. You’d need to let those arrows slide from you, like from a shield. Which means that you’d need to have your “armor” on whenever you talk to your father, and not let anything in. What is also super important is to diminish the voice of your inner critic, because your inner critic is like a Trojan horse – he opens the door and lets the arrows hit you. I am using the military analogy again, but perhaps it helps?

Yes I understood it well, I’ll try it like that

It seems to me you’re disregarding the positive input from people,

I guess because I never had that in my childhood and only criticism so now it’s just hard to trust what people say

because you want to believe you’re not attractive enough. It’s like the impostor syndrome, when we believe that we cannot possibly be talented, that our success happened by chance and not by our merit. With this too – your inner critic is telling you you’re not good looking (or not muscular enough or whatever), and you rather believe him than the feedback you receive from people.

It means should I believe in positive feedback? If so how you’d determine what to let in or let out

Also just a side note, Are you working from home? I found this from a LinkedIn post, and it says whenever you’re working always play a Instrumental/LoFi music that you like… and I think it’s actually helping me focus more and somewhat in better mood and less anxious as well.

May 16, 2023 at 11:11 am #418802

SereneWolf
Participant

Hey Tee,

no, I can’t do yoga, it can actually add to the problem, in my case. But I do other types of exercises.

Hmm I see. Have you a found new doctor?

Great, keep it up!

But lately I feel like not doing anything, hopeless and I’m missing my cat too!

Oh she said it’s only your fault? Well, that’s not true really, because talking about reconciliation with her ex is a pretty big problem and it would be for any relationship…

I know right?

So she isn’t going back to her ex? She wanted to return to you but you said No – is that how it happened?

Yes. After getting back from the trip she said she thought about it a lot and she don’t think getting back together with her ex is a good idea. She did open up with me and told me maybe that idea of being alone is just scary for her and she’s just not used to it. And we talked about how I handled to live all by myself for years…

After that she was like yeah I can try for sometime without being in a relationship.

So did I just spread my disease into her? 😂

Yep, it’s rather notorious… and it affects every part of your life. So yeah, more inner child work, self-love and all that..

For sure!

Yes, it is irritating. But you can’t really change them, so you need to learn to live with it, but not allow abuse, of course. You can tolerate it once in a while when you come to visit, but don’t allow to stick to you. Try to be like teflon – things just slide from it and don’t stick

Haha that’s a good example. I’ll try that more since they already see me as a laid back guy it lol

You see? You too realize that self-esteem is key for not being too bothered with such comments. So you can do it too, work on loving and valuing yourself even more…

Yes that’s right!

I hope all three of you will learn how to be less sensitive and more self-confident. Good that your sister too realizes that your father and grandfather won’t change much. That means you shouldn’t even try. However, you can set boundaries and not allow verbal or emotional abuse. In fact, it’s kind of a two-pronged action: you work on yourself to become less triggered, but you also set boundaries so they can’t just mistreat you without consequences.

You’re right how can I make myself become less triggered? I mean there is boundaries there somewhat. My father doesn’t disrespect me anymore otherwise he knows I’m not going to just listen to him silently.

Okay, so that would be binge eating then. Do you have days when you eat way too much and sort of cannot control yourself?

Hmm yeah but not too often. But just today I did that. Maybe the times when I feel like not doing anything else I’d just eat.

Yeah, I am also not a breakfast person because I eat relatively late in the evening (I know, not a good strategy). So I am not hungry in the morning. But just the fact that you only have two proper meals isn’t in itself disordered eating. It’s maybe that you overeat in the evening, and you feel guilty about it? So then you starve yourself the next day, but then eat too much in the evening again? I was like that for a while, that’s why I am asking.

My mum wouldn’t allow me to eat that much late lol because her first question on the phone is always, did you ate? And yeah usually I do eat a lot in the evenings. During the day it’s okay but at evening I always eat a lot.

I did talked to my doctor friend and she suggested me to have small but 4-5 meals per day for healthy weight gain but I think that’s hard to manage for me

Do you mean you’d like to get praise/affirmation from people that you look good? But you said sometimes in the beginning of your posting on tinybuddha that you do get compliments for your looks, which you sort of shrug off. If I understood well?

Yes you remembered it well, I’m confused about it, because I don’t like when I need external validation, but external validation does kind of helps to believe in things…faster? I don’t know.

May 12, 2023 at 6:59 am #418530

SereneWolf
Participant

Hey Tee,

As for myself, I too am feeling a little better. Hopefully it won’t be temporary, like last time.

You do yoga right?

Yes, it’s important that you’re aware of it and working on it. Are you still doing the journaling (writing down your fears and resentments)?

I didn’t do it while I was at my hometown but now that I’m back to the city I’ll continue.. and I do feel better while journaling. Also letting things happen by itself and just trust the divine so I don’t feel overwhelmed by everything.

I see… so you’d want her to stick around to prove her love. Although you didn’t let her say “I love you” and were not showing that you care about her too much… so yes, it’s kind of a contradiction. If you want her to stick around, you’d need to show it too…

Yes I know that, But because she’s taking time and still sticking to past, That’s why I told her no. She reacted like I did this entirely by myself. But she didn’t argue much after that. She hugged me tight and kissed and still asked me to just friends? I said I’ll think and answer, And after I said No she said She won’t get back together with her ex either. I said it’s your decision, If you don’t need to be in rush, Don’t rush.

Okay, I understand this makes you upset, but I think the first thing you should do is become more immune to those indirect judgments. To know that you are good enough as you are. So those veiled comments will not bother you so much.

Yeah that good enough feeling isn’t that easy. Is it? haha

And then you can decide what you want to do – whether it makes sense to ask your father not to mention other people to you, or to let it go. If you are not so triggered, it will be easier to take it lightly, e.g. to change the topic, or say “Yeah, he/she is doing quite well” (you sort of agree with them).

You don’t need to start justifying yourself, you just acknowledge that this person is doing well, while knowing inside of yourself that you too are doing well and that you are good enough. If you are not judging yourself, their judgments will carry less weight too.

I mean I’m aware of that, and I don’t have like any kind of jealousy. But me and my siblings are worried that they (My Father and grandpa) aren’t like a children then they shouldn’t behave like this, They should be happy with what they have and have feeling of satisfaction. Instead of always complaining this is wrong and that is wrong. That’s just irritating for all of us.

Good! Are your siblings supportive of you? Do they get similar treatment from your father and grandfather?

Yes I’m really lucky that my siblings are really supportive. And yeah they do get similar treatment from my father and grandfather. My little brother somewhat doesn’t much bothered because I can sense his self-esteem, But yeah he’s annoyed as well, However for my sister she’s quite sensitive, Maybe even more sensitive than me. But she also accepted that there is not much chances of them changing

I just checked, BMI of 19 is not undernourished, but on the border. But you say you do a eat a lot and aren’t vomiting, which doesn’t really qualify as anorexia or bulimia. Does it mean you have periods of indulging in food and then starving yourself, not to gain weight? Because that too can be disordered eating – sort of swinging from one extreme to the other.

Hmm well swinging from one extreme to the other I’d say yes. Also I only have two big meals per day. Lunch and dinner. I skip breakfasts.

EDs are always related to nurturance, I think. In my family, food was the only “pleasure” that was not judged, so basically it was okay if I ate a lot, I wasn’t judged for that. But I was for just about everything else. So I guess that’s also one of the reasons food became my “drug” of choice.

Oh I see, That’s why you had anorexia

Yes, it seems you don’t feel good enough, in this case attractive enough physically. Which is just another manifestation of feeling not good enough in general. I guess that in reality, things are a little different, because you did say earlier that you get compliments for your looks, and you do get attention from pretty girls, right? So you not feeling attractive enough is something you are telling yourself – it’s a part of your inner critic. And you know how to treat that inner critic, don’t you?

Yes I do not listen much to that critic but I think I have to get more positive input or affirmation or something like that on that part?

May 8, 2023 at 11:28 am #418375

SereneWolf
Participant

Coucou Tee,

Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but it’s not always easy.

I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know it’s not always easy. Are you feeling any better though?

But I think a part of your “coolness” is that you don’t actually allow yourself to get attached, because you’re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and that’s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.

Hmm right but I’m already working on it and I shouldn’t be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?

I know you’re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave?

I guess the part the she isn’t sure about me, it’s just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if they’re scared they’d take actions???

On the other hand I know it’s unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I don’t show her that type of connection or love…

I see… they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?

Yes Exactly!

Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?

No I didn’t. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings

Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say you’re suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if you’d like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didn’t give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasn’t good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated – feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasn’t enough (and my mother thought that’s the only thing a child needs).

I guess I was in the same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of nurturance. But after I started living on my own I’m super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting. My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but I’m not sure.

But another thing is that even though I’m insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (I’m not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls I’ve been with was like what we say “Out of my league” if we seeing things from that way. Yet still I didn’t felt good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?

Oh I see… that’s frustrating when you’re trying everything, and it’s still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?

Yes. Luckily it’s getting much better. I found whole new way and I’m seeing good positive results

You were close to her and now she is gone… I am so sorry.

It’s good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it all… Hold on, SereneWolf…

I’m not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better.

May 8, 2023 at 11:26 am #418374

SereneWolf
Participant

Coucou Tee,
Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but it’s not always easy.
I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know it’s not always easy. Are you feeling any better though?
But I think a part of your “coolness” is that you don’t actually allow yourself to get attached, because you’re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and that’s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.
Hmm right but I’m already working on it and I shouldn’t be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?
 
I know you’re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave? 
I guess the part the she isn’t sure about me, it’s just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if they’re scared they’d take actions??? 
On the other hand I know it’s unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I don’t show her that type of connection or love… 
 
I see… they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?
Yes Exactly! 
Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?
No I didn’t. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings
 
Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say you’re suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if you’d like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didn’t give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasn’t good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated – feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasn’t enough (and my mother thought that’s the only thing a child needs).
 
I guess I was in the same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of nurturance. But after I started living on my own I’m super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting. My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but I’m not sure.
 
But another thing is that even though I’m insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (I’m not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls I’ve been with was like what we say “Out of my league” if we seeing things from that way. Yet still I didn’t felt good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?
 
Oh I see… that’s frustrating when you’re trying everything, and it’s still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?
Yes. Luckily it’s getting much better. I found whole new way and I’m seeing good positive results 
 
You were close to her and now she is gone… I am so sorry.
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It’s good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it all… Hold on, SereneWolf…
I’m not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better. 


May 8, 2023 at 11:25 am #418373

SereneWolf
Participant

Coucou Tee,
 

Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but it’s not always easy.

I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know it’s not always easy. Are you feeling any better now though?

But I think a part of your “coolness” is that you don’t actually allow yourself to get attached, because you’re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and that’s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.

Hmm right but I’m already working on it and I shouldn’t be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?
 

I know you’re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave? 

I guess the part she isn’t sure about me, it’s just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if they’re scared, they’d take actions??? 
On the other hand, I know it’s unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I don’t show her that type of connection or love… 
 

I see… they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?

Yes Exactly! 

Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?

No I didn’t. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings
 

Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say you’re suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if you’d like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didn’t give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasn’t good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated – feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasn’t enough (and my mother thought that’s the only thing a child needs).

 
I was in the kinda same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of physical nurturance, but not emotional, But after I started living on my own I’m super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting because My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but I’m not sure.
 
But another thing is that even though I’m insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (I’m not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls I’ve been with was like what we can say “Out of my league” if we are seeing things from that way. Yet still I didn’t feel good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?

 
Oh I see… that’s frustrating when you’re trying everything, and it’s still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?

Yes. Luckily it’s getting much better. I found whole new way and I’m seeing good positive results. 
 

You were close to her and now she is gone… I am so sorry.
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It’s good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it all… Hold on, SereneWolf…

I’m not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

May 4, 2023 at 11:51 am #418185

SereneWolf
Participant

Why you’re feeling down? you’re not able to take care of yourself properly?

May 4, 2023 at 11:50 am #418184

SereneWolf
Participant

Hey Tee,

My cat was missing for two days and just today I find out that she died from jumping from the fence and there was some sharp objects. I buried her. I can’t express how I feel I’m feeling like I’ve lost someone really close to me for years even though it was just for like 4 months. Today after a lot of time I cried a lot. I still feel like when I’ll open the door she’s gonna come.

April 30, 2023 at 6:51 am #417997

SereneWolf
Participant

Dear Tee,

ahh, I think I am not a typical case and not responding well to treatment…

Oh I hope you feel better soon…

What kind of expectations do they have? To provide for them financially, or in general, about how you should live your life and what career path you should take? Do you feel that your mother treats you kindly, talks nicely to you, but underneath you feel she expects you to follow a certain path or be a certain way?

Providing financially is okay for me and I’m doing that. But it’s also general like my father now don’t tell me things to do in certain way but still kinda pinpoint what others are doing and it’s frustrate me a lot like why do you have to care what they’re doing? Can’t you be satisfied once with what we have? Same with my grandfather whenever I call him.

For my mother she’s just still overly protective (I know there’s some fault of mine as well for this) She literally tells me to lock the door before sleep. Like mom I know I’m not a child anymore.

Yeah, it’s a way to separate ourselves from our fears and our resentments – because by writing them down, it’s like we observe them, we don’t identify with them. So we’re less consumed by them. Which means – more regulated, more able to think clearly. And also, once we write it down, we gain clarity about what bothers us, and it helps us deal with the problem.

Right and you know I got another idea for this. Taking voice notes like as I said before when I was feeling frustrated after talking on call with my father, I take voice notes to let out that frustration, but my anger is I think nearly at tipping point so maybe I will confront things to him.

Introspection, courage, curiosity, fast learning, openness to new ideas… to mention just a few But in fact, you are worthy just by being born. For some people, their talents are hidden because they have been abused, and so they may have become addicts etc. However, they are still worthy, they only need to connect to their core, their true self…

It’s like diamonds covered in dirt – they aren’t always visible, but they are there. Your talents are visible, but I am just saying, even if they weren’t, you would still be worthy…

Thanks! And yeah, I agree also since you mention addiction, I think it’s also something which is wasting lot of my time. I’ve read more about CPTSD, and it’s also mentioned that anorexia and Technology addiction could be the part of it and it’s relatable for me. For me even though when not working it’s not easy for me just not waste time on screen for no reason at all.

I am sorry you’re not getting the desired results. Is there someone you can consult about it?

No I can’t. because I’m supposed to be “Expert” in this. I talked to the people working on the same kind of projects and they are all telling me the same things that I’m already doing. Which is making me even more anxious… But I’m trying to ground myself by not getting attached to the results.

April 30, 2023 at 6:21 am #417995

SereneWolf
Participant

Hi Tee,

But anyway, we can’t suppress negative emotions selectively without suppressing positive emotions as well. So if you suppress anger, you cannot express love freely either. That’s how we operate.

Hmm That’s interesting, I didn’t know about this

Right now, your “calm and composed” stance in social situations is more due to the suppression of anger and self-control, right? Likewise, your slightly distant and detached stance with your girlfriend is a part of the same pattern. It’s not really your true self, but a defense mechanism. But it’s the same pattern: suppressing emotions, keeping a distance, which you exhibit both in social situations and in intimate relationships.

So I was wrong when I said those are two different things. They are not – it’s the same defense mechanism working in you. But as I said, don’t worry about it, you’re working on it.

So this defense mechanism is like still part of me or just something I’m using as a block for intimate relationships?

Amazing, mature response! You re-stated your current limitations and boundaries, and you stood by them. But you were also kind and caring towards her, telling her you don’t want to hurt her by those limitations/boundaries. And so you are letting her decide how to proceed. Well done, SereneWolf!

Good! I like that you can talk to each other so honestly. That’s a good sign. I hope it’s not the end of your relationship, but even if it is, you handled this very well. Very maturely. Kudos to you!

Thank a lot for your encouragement. I did learn things from you so thanks to you as well.

So yeah, I do like her vulnerability and honesty. But I think her older emotions are still strong. And to be honest I totally understand her dilemma as well but I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t sure about me. So, when she’ll come back I’ll tell her No. I’m not worried about ending this relationship. It’ll take few days but I’ll be alright.

April 26, 2023 at 8:25 am #417747

SereneWolf
Participant

Hi Tee,

well, she wanted to tell you she loves you, and probably expected to hear the same from you… Because you’ve been dating for a while, visiting each other, watching the stars together… I don’t think it’s extreme, but for you, it’s too much. Because for you, telling someone you love them comes with a lot of load, with fear of vulnerability, and perhaps fear of their expectations… Perhaps for you it’s like something that would start an avalanche of scary things, and you don’t want it, right?

Well in-person we met like total 5 times only. And yeah so for me telling someone I love them comes with lot of responsibilities (Which I’m always trying to run away from) Because then there are just lot of rules as a lover you know. And after admitting I prefer to follow those rules no matter what.

Hm…. yeah, or it’s fear of getting hurt? I think in people with avoidant attachment, it’s rather the latter…

Hmm I guess so, But right now I don’t feel hurt (much)

Well, that eagerness might have lasted for a month or two, and then you’d likely get cold feet… I mean, now you were more patient and self-aware than with your previous date, which lasted for only a short while. And you could better control your impulse to run away, which is great! So I think you are actually doing better now than a few months ago, but it’s still probably not enough for her, since you’re not very “eager”.

Yeah finding the “right” woman ain’t that easy. But yeah thanks I do feel like I did good progress regarding this matter

Actually she kind of did – remember when she got angry when you didn’t contact her while you were at your parents’ place for a week? Also now, she was surprised that you weren’t more upset when she told you about her ex. And even the fact that she chose to meet her ex and is considering getting back with him is to me a proof that she isn’t getting what she wants in the relationship with you.

I am not judging you or anything, I am just saying that these are all signs that she probably didn’t like your coolness towards her, although she might have appreciated it otherwise, in other situations.

Hmm I see so I guess in some situations I might have didn’t showed my coolness

Not necessarily. She might appreciate someone calm and composed, i.e. stable and not overly emotional in everyday situations, someone who will not explode easily at people or make rash decisions. So maybe someone a little different than her. Someone to ground her. However, it doesn’t mean that she likes when you are being cool and not eager towards her. Because those are two different things – how you behave with others and how you behave with her.

Yeah so about this, I’m still learning how to express myself and not always hide if I’m showing that I’m not calm with that thing yet even though I am, That would be lying, Don’t you think so? And Yeah I accept it’s just my non-attachment towards her talking

So yeah I talked to her If my coolness is bothering or there’s something else? She can share anything without hesitating.

She told me that “When I started talking to you I thought you’d be obsessed with me, Because that’s how it went for me in the past, and Because I already love you, Things would go much faster between us, and yet I enjoyed every moment we shared together I was waiting that you’d break your “rules” just for me (Because I already talked to her about my fear in relationship) and take steps further, So I tried to do it but you still stopped me and I agree with you, You wanted things to go slow but it did hurt me because no one ever said me No like that. But the thing is that I couldn’t make you feel very attached me and it frustrates me a lot. “

I was speechless after hearing this! I couldn’t even say anything for a minute. I was thinking like what should I even say to this.

But I said “I’m sorry you feel that way but I’m still working on myself, healing myself if I take things faster I worry that I might hurt your feelings and my first priority is that not giving you discomfort or hurt you just because of me.”

She went on trip with her sister so when she’ll be back she’ll think about this matter.

April 26, 2023 at 7:52 am #417746

SereneWolf
Participant

Hola Tee,

I am doing similarly, still no big breakthrough in healing…

Ohh you still haven’t found a good doctor?

Yeah I know what you mean – when you feel that their kindness is not sincere, but it comes with an expectation of you doing them a favor in the future, of giving them something in return. Yes, I’ve met such people. Don’t like them either…

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the same with my parents. I mean it could be just innocent love to their kids. But just because they provided me in the childhood now they’re expecting things from me?

Right, you seem “calm and composed”, but that’s because you’re good at controlling yourself and not letting it show. But inside, you feel very angry. As I said, I think a part of that anger isn’t related to the actual person standing in front of you, but it’s the anger at your father… and so you overreact (internally) to the person, although it doesn’t show on the outside. Or at least it’s not so obvious…

Yeah that’s right

There is this youtube channel that I like, called the Crappy Childhood Fairy, which is focused on healing from C-PTSD. And she teaches a method of daily journaling, which she calls “The Daily Practice.” The video describing it is titled “Calm Anxiety – Learn this simple technique 15 minutes“. She explains how she writes down all her fears and resentments, meditates on it a little, and then she asks God (for those who believe) to remove them. Or for non-believers, they can say they are ready to release those fears and resentments.

I do it a little differently, but I do write things down, and usually have some insight about what’s behind my fear or resentment, and it makes me feel better.

I’ve watched the video and it seems really on point so basically the idea is just putting down your negative thoughts on paper because PTSD mind is mostly dysregulated. Right?

Also she said anyone who gone thorough abuse would most probably have dysregulated mind and therefore symptoms of C-PTSD

I also took her free test for today and now I’m more firm that I may have C-PTSD

I’ve just tried the method today and I’m kind of feeling like less weight of fears already. I’m also trying to find insights, but I guess I’m just tired today.

Do you think you could do it, or you still have doubts?

Well currently I’m just trying affirmations but the thing is that I’m not used to tell myself nicer things, so I have to dig deeper and find my unique and skills and abilities.

I took time to write because I was busy and frustrated with work, I think I’m still very much of a result-driven person. Because I’m working on this project for so long trying different strategies but getting the same result and less efficient. It’s really making me feel down and questioning my abilities.

April 21, 2023 at 7:50 am #417657

SereneWolf
Participant

Yeah, that’s your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you don’t allow yourself to get too close… In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesn’t leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of relief…

Well I think I did put my guard down, and I did felt close to her. But not like what we could say heavily attached? But yeah I do feel sense of relief

I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so “calm and composed” about not having her in your life. That you don’t love her and miss her more. That’s what the sigh means, I guess…

I guess you’re right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that I’m much aware I’m taking things slowly

Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didn’t want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that “I am hard to love” was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you – it must be the breeze and the stars…?

It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more “attachment” from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels she’s not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional “coolness”/reservedness till now?

I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast.

I guess that’s why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I don’t know I’m just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.

If she’d met me few month ago, she’d get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha

And No She never complained about my emotional “coolness”/reservedness only praised it many times.

But like I told you before she’s like a high school girl she just feels “a lot” so it’s obvious that she wants someone like that?

So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said he’s not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) she’s still feeling conflicted but she said she don’t want to cut ties with me…So she didn’t gave him any answer and told him to wait…

So I told her take her time, I’ll support her decision.

April 21, 2023 at 7:49 am #417656

SereneWolf
Participant

Don’t know what happened with markdown

Yeah, that’s your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you don’t allow yourself to get too close… In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesn’t leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of relief…
Well I think I did put my guard down, and I did felt close to her. But not like what we could say heavily attached? But yeah I do feel sense of relief 
 
I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so “calm and composed” about not having her in your life. That you don’t love her and miss her more. That’s what the sigh means, I guess…
I guess you’re right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that I’m much aware I’m taking things slowly 
Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didn’t want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that “I am hard to love” was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you – it must be the breeze and the stars…?
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more “attachment” from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels she’s not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional “coolness”/reservedness till now?
 
I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast. 
I guess that’s why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I don’t know I’m just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.
If she’d met me few month ago, she’d get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha 
And No She never complained about my emotional “coolness”/reservedness only praised it many times.
But like I told you before she’s like a high school girl she just feels “a lot” so it’s obvious that she wants someone like that? 
 
So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said he’s not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) she’s still feeling conflicted but she said she don’t want to cut ties with me…So she didn’t gave him any answer and told him to wait…
So I told her take her time, I’ll support her decision.
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