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SereneWolf

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  • in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #431499
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    How are you doing?

    I am glad your grandfather’s belief (that people are self-centered and don’t genuinely care about others) hasn’t affected you too much. And that you still choose to help others, rather than only look for your own self-interest. You are a kind and generous person, SereneWolf, even if you were exposed to this kind of messaging…

    Yes that’s what I try to tell my inner self like no matter what I’ve been through I didn’t lose hope in humanity and connections. Then have some love for yourself.

    Okay, so you were top of the class in your elementary and high school. But when you chose a college which you had no interest in (you chose it only because it was “in demand”, promising good career opportunities and a good salary, I suspect), your grades started getting worse, and you even failed in math. Basically, when you forced yourself to do something you don’t love, you immediately did worse.

    Yes I do think it’s like that I don’t perform good if I’m not attached to it emotionally. But It was also because of my people pleasing behaviour, Like I didn’t wanted to disappoint my parents. But nonetheless later on I did, After 4 semester (2 Years) I put a stop to that college.

     

    I think it goes to show that it is very important for you to do what you love and what is aligned with your values – because that’s where you can really thrive. I guess when you later chose another college, it was something you liked better and which is more aligned with you interests and preferences? And it has now lead you to a job which you really like (how it is going btw? have you finished with onboarding?

     

    Actually after that my focus wasn’t just on the college, But also the work that I was doing. Like not exactly the same but I wanted to have the more flexible program that includes my interest. And luckily I passed, tbh I didn’t had to do hard work for my bachelor’s.

    Now the Master’s would be more important because that’s for the current thing that I’m doing or sector wide, Like Sustainability or IT. But I’m not rushing.

    I’m finished with my onboarding, It wasn’t that long, But I’m still learning their ways, I really like that they’re not rigid about certain ways If I like something my way I can do it that way. But they’re humble enough to show like here’s what we think is the most efficient way.

    And I’m kinda proud of myself since They already gave me an assistant (She’s also intern doing Masters in sustainability) in just 2<sup>nd</sup> week because during the talk they didn’t say I’d have manage anyone. But they trust me enough even taking on consulting projects. So my work is more diverse towards Product analytics and Consulting side as well. And another cool thing we’re all in different time zones. That means no unnecessary meetings.

     

    Maybe your parents told you they love you and that they do everything in your best interest (my mother certainly told me that), but it doesn’t mean it was like that in practice. If I got a B (instead of an A), my mother was displeased with me and would condemn me for not studying hard enough. Having all A’s was taken for granted (I was never praised for being an excellent pupil), but even the slightest “slip” was heavily criticized. So her love wasn’t unconditional. I didn’t feel loved in those moments, I felt rejected.

    I guess you’ve experienced something similar with your father: if you were top in class, he was pleased with you and would buy you presents. If you were not the first, but still excellent, he was displeased with you, right? I guess this taught you that you have to always be the best, otherwise your father won’t be proud of you. His love and validation were very conditional. Basically sending you a message “I will only love you and approve of you if you are perfect. Anything short of that is not good enough.”

     

    Yes it was similar with me. And talking about it it makes me remember this point. Is this why I’m also not impressed with anyone’s educational qualities now? Or just not impressed with anything that much. Like huh. Good. So what? Am I becoming my father? 😂

     

    Perhaps it taught you that you need to be perfect to be loved?

    Something just occurred to me: your father expected that you be perfect in terms of academic achievements and career success. Whereas your mother expected you to control your emotions perfectly. To always put on a happy face and never show that something is bothering you.

    So they both expected perfection from you, only in different areas. You couldn’t be totally yourself with neither of them, and I think that’s why you have trust issues in relationships.

    You said:

    Kind of yes I guess like trying to perfecting the relationship and my partner too.

    You believe you need to work hard on yourself, because you are not good enough as you are. That’s your father’s conditioning: You need to be perfect (excelling in many things) to be loved and valued.

    And then you also want to perfect your partner too. Your inner critic is critical not only of yourself, but of your partner too. We’ve already talked about it before. With your previous girlfriend, you got into a dynamic of trying to perfect her. The focus was on her and her flaws. And I think it prevented you from showing her your “imperfect” self, your vulnerable, less than perfect, and yet totally lovable self.

     

    Ohh right a very insightful point indeed! I think I’ve mentioned in the start that I was a perfectionist and maybe still am in one or another ways.. My drive to work hard on myself is still moderately high. As well as excelling in many things. And It’s also true I still don’t feel good enough which is impacting my self esteem

    And Yes I’m trying to be vulnerable with friends, Just a recent example, My friend’s friend reached out to me and wanted talk even though another friend told me how she is opposite of what I like, She smokes, she’s dramatic and her anger is always on the edge. But I didn’t said no. I saw it from a different perspective this time we talked till 2am. I tried to understood why she’s the way she is and I noticed that it’s just her coping mechanisms, At heart she’s kind and loving woman. Not just her but most of our generation have bad habits and mental heath just because they feel alone and not loved.

     

     

     

    (The reason why you were afraid to show vulnerability could be because of your mother’s expectation to never show your emotionally distressed, raw, “immature” self.)

    You are asking:

    hurt how many more times until find the right person? Seems scary

    Hm… it’s not really about finding the right person. Because you admitted that there was nothing really wrong with your most recent girlfriend, and yet you didn’t want the relationship. You backed off because for you, it’s scary, intimate relationships are scary…

    And I think it’s because you believe you need to be perfect, both in terms of career/money earning ability (your father’s conditioning), and emotional “maturity” and strength (your mother’s conditioning).

    And that IS scary!

    If you believe that intimate relationship requires total perfection, of course it is intimidating. And hard work. And impossible to achieve.

    But what if it only took for you to show up as you are? And let her show up as she is? Nothing more than that… no hard work, no pressure, no urge to perfect yourself (or her)…. Just letting yourself be, with all your good and bad sides? Because you are good enough…

    What do you think? About adopting a new blueprint/new vision for an intimate relationship?

     

    Haha I’m actually surprised with your ability to use words on point, But you’re right and I understand your point. I’m trying to be my true self and showing the vulnerability. I don’t think I need to be perfect 100% but yeah not sure for now it’s the healthy drive to strive or still a perfectionist inside me. Also I’m not judgy like I used to be. Before I’d be like hmm this person and labels them now I try to understand first and I don’t try to fix them or at least urge to fix them is gone.

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #430514
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Ciao Tee,

    Ahh, right now my back pain has flared up again for no apparent reason, so I am not happy about it and kind of confused. My worry and anxiety want to creep in, but I am managing to keep them at bay. It’s like I see the emotion coming, like wanting to breaking down and cry, but I don’t let it take over. I stop myself from going down that path again… So we’ll see. It’s challenging, but I don’t feel totally hopeless and depressed, like last year, for example.

    You’re quite emotionally strong and I admire your resilience to keep moving forward and managing this health anxiety. I hope it pays off.

     

    Yeah, because you’ve been hearing all your childhood (and beyond) “look at him, why can’t you do better”. And you were only awarded for being the best in class – anything else was “not good enough”. So yeah, that’s the programming you grew up with. No wonder it led you to comparing yourself to others, wanting to compete, always feeling worse than others.

    Yes that’s true. But let me tell you something, just today I went to visit kindergarten with my sister and cousin, It’s mainly health checkup day for kids. But even there what I see? Comparison. Literally even for their body not just their smartness. And I felt the same, it wasn’t only my parents, environment around me did play a big part as well.  And I think it’s a huge societal issue, people support people who’s already capable but doesn’t want lift other’s up when they don’t see a potential in them. How pitiful world is turning into??

     

    It’s good to hear that you can stay in the present moment more, without the need to project into the future what you should achieve, and then immediately worrying that you’ll fail. That was really exhausting!

    I am happy you can stay in the present moment more, and appreciate what you’ve achieved so far. You may want to give yourself an imaginary (or real 🙂 ) pat on the back, because you have achieved a lot. Good that you are slowly recognizing it:

    Haha yeah I did gave a pat the back. But still learning I’ve found out this day and age being in the present is one of the hardest thing to do

     

    Yes, absolutely! Starting from facing the lion at the country road 🙂 to being locked down in a container at an industrial complex, to living on your own since 16 years old, to finishing your degree and working in parallel, to being the youngest manager at your previous workplace, to many other successes… So yes, SereneWolf, you are incredibly resilient, and resourceful, I’d say!

    Thanks for the reminder! I appreciate it. But just today I have this uneasy feeling like fr what the heck do I actually want from life? I took a pen and journal notebook but still couldn’t figure out

     

    Because of the same reason as above: because we were not praised for our achievements, but were punished for even the smallest mistake. And that hurt a lot…

    Yes that’s why even good and proud moments feels dull sometimes

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #430377
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hola Tee,

    Did you feel some competition with him? Did your father compare you to him? Because I was thinking that perhaps one of the reasons you didn’t have many friends is that your father stressed competition, he was always comparing you to other kids, and perhaps that’s why you didn’t like them or you felt resentment towards them?

    Well Since Primary school to High School I was a top student. So not really competition there and as soon as I got in college and more like nearly adult-teenage era I started seeing competition. And it was so bad like I felt all at once and started studying something just because it was considered “In Demand” But I had no interest and on top of that I felt competition from the classmates like they knew what they’re doing and also topping the class. And for the first time ever I had less marks in 2 subjects in my 1<sup>st</sup> semester. And failed in math in 2<sup>nd</sup> semester, And Even though I knew that I didn’t gave it my all it felt so bad.. Yet still I continued for 4 semester and then decided to leave the collage and directly start working. Because even though my father and grandfather didn’t told me on the face I did knew they were disappointed because they felt like we are paying your for your living and college in the city and you’re not giving us the “results”. And the thing is that I would be able to ask my father like I don’t like this degree and I want to do another degree that I like but I didn’t wanted to be burden at all. So I started working and living on my own. First they said no you won’t be able to do it but after a month or so they agreed with me because I told them little later. There has been many times I had to lie to my family just for example when I didn’t had a job I didn’t said anything to my family for months. And even helped them financially even though it put me in debt.

     

    Right, because the love you’ve experienced from your father was very conditional. He only showed you love when you were the best in class – everything else was not good enough. Whenever you made a mistake (like when handing him the wrong tool), he didn’t show you love. So… his love was very conditional.

    I’d say your mom’s love was limited, same as my father’s, because they didn’t protect us. They gaslighted us and minimized the problem. That too wasn’t a strong, unquestionable love, the kind of love you can really trust.

    Because if I understood well, your mom showed you love and tenderness when you could forgive your father and be “mature” about it, but she was sad and worried when you couldn’t, right? In a way, she was sending you the message that you are only acceptable if you forgive and endure your father’s abuse… (I am not claiming this, please correct me if I am wrong).

     

    Yes it was may be conditional even though all I thought parents love is always unconditional towards their children but I guess there always some expectations. But It did impacted my emotional patterns like for giving or even accepting love.
    Yeah about my mom that maybe right and it kinda have adverse effect too. With pros and cons. I don’t get angry and react harshly at the moment also turned out to be very forgiving nature, but as a cons I don’t raise my voice when I should, which is really important thing in career you know

    I guess I did hear things like that in my teenage like “people are just there for their means”

    Did your parents use to say that?

    My grandfather preciously. My grandfather was like in village head group. So he seen lot of people in lot of situations. He did helped lot of people though. But after a while he be like “people are there for their means” when they forget.
    And the thing is it impacted me somehow but not on a deeper level. I still believe I should help people if I can and don’t expect anything from them in return. Even gratitude. I’m doing it just because I can and I want to. Even though I been around colleagues who thought that uplifting others means they would stay in lower class

     

    If we get attached, and the person leaves us or betrays us, it hurts more.

    Yeah I guess the one of my fear too, and like hurt how many more times until find the right person? Seems scary

    For example, if we felt conditionally loved, we may believe that our partner will only love us if we earn enough money. Or they will only love us if we are perfect, if we never show any weakness.

    Hmm that’s right but don’t you think it should be something like in levels? Eg. Like I can’t expect my partner to focus on their fitness if I myself is lazy. And I know normally money shouldn’t be the scale but from the current generation it is somewhat seen respectable. Because it shows hmm this guys knows his financial and he can provide. It’s kinda natural instinct for them.

     

    Does loving hard mean to work hard on the relationship? To have a relationship which feels like a project?

    Maybe loving hard also means that you need to work hard to be lovable? That you need to be successful, so she would love you (she can always find a rich husband but a for a guy, he got to be something good)?

     

    Kind of yes I guess like trying to perfecting the relationship and my partner too. Like I would force her to sleep on time because less sleep would affect her mood next day. I always tried to surprise her, write for her and make her happy and noted even little things that would make cause her pain. And even accepted lot of things that I wouldn’t usually accept. Like no video calling for a very long time and just text. So yeah I was kind of perfectionist towards her. But another thing is I didn’t do it to impress her. But I felt I wanted to do it because I cared for her a lot.

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #428921
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,
    How you been doing? Feeling better?

    Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been busy with onboarding process and meetings and I’m actually quite more confident now than before. Team seems really supportive, Even my manager.

    I’ve watched the video of “How to stop comparing yourself with others” as you suggested and it’s definitely insightful. I was mainly worried about the competition and that’s why I had scarcity mindset, Maybe still a little.
    I’ve also understood  that my goal is not to being better than everyone and somewhere my subconscious does believed that.
    But because of this video and like you also told me in a recent post I am in touch with myself so I’m not comparing myself to others like I did before…

    I also wanted to share a thing that I read on my feed few days ago and it was according to this thread title, Like why I feel like time is passing too fast and one of the reason is even though I was longing for novelty there was no novelty. But now there is. and another thing is being in the present moment I was constantly  anxious/worried about the future if I’d be able to achieve my goals and that constant anxiety of what if I fail.

    I mean, it’s okay to plan and think about what needs to be done next, but if you approach it with this pressure and already feeling like a failure (my mind is being very doubtful about if I’ll be able to do those things), you are in the “I am not good enough” mindset. “I am a failure” mindset. And the inner critic has stolen your success!

    That’s the thing!  I do feel pressure that there are lot of choices and then my head goes go only for the best one, I kind of need to tell myself time to time that I’m strong enough I faced lot of things, so just not be worried about taking the wrong decision. because you know taking any decision also takes up lot of energy and give us anxiety.

    There is a saying in the Bible “Let no man take your crown”. Your inner critic is trying to take away your crown: your victory, your success, your achievements…. Please be aware of that, be aware of this tendency to minimize your successes and achievements, and to criticize yourself for not achieving even more.

    That’s a good saying. And I was thinking like how much I’m underestimating myself most of the time because of (maybe low self esteem). In my life I can count lot of successes from all these years but yet what I’m remembering? not those. I’m remembering what things I did wrong. and why it is like that we don’t feel joy longer for our successes but we feel pain for even smaller failure for extended periods?

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #428465
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Bonjour Tee,

    Yaaaaay! I am so happy for you!!! It sounds like your dream job: the field you are passionate about, fully remote (as you wanted), and well paid. That’s amazing, SereneWolf. Well done!!!

    Thank you! I believe all the people who helped me to be sane in tough times deserve big thanks from me as well. And you’re one of them Tee!

    Although because it’s been so damn long my mind just giving me doubts and fears even though I finally did it so I’m not able to celebrate it with all my senses!

    I understand that the wait and the rejections you’ve experienced (I know about one – were there more?) were exhausting and wearing you down, making you doubt yourself and all that. But you did it after all! It was worth the wait!!

    I actually started losing hope and faith after being resilient for so long, but finally it’s all worth it now.

    I hope you can relax now and take it all in, and properly celebrate. Give yourself a big pat at on the back, like a good father, or Uncle Iroh, would give to his young protege after a job well done. You’ve deserved it, SereneWolf, and you can be proud of yourself.

    Yes I’m trying but my mind is already planning like look now try to do this first, fix that thing and after that do another. like I have to manage my finances, travel planning and also learning new things about sustainability. and just generally my mind is being very doubtful about if I’ll be able to do those things.

     

    I remember you mentioned that you love to dance while preparing meals… so here is an idea for celebration: make yourself a nice, healthy meal, put on some music and dance while cooking! 🙂

     

    Haha you know me well that’s actually what I did! 😁

    And enjoy!

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #428463
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    I combined the both parts of relationships…

    Yes, I can imagine. If you believe that others will hurt you and that you can actually do pretty well alone, then sure, I see why you didn’t want to build relationships, not only romantic but friendships either, if I understood you well? Btw, did you have close friends as a child?

    Yes only one but even with him there was different kind of communication mostly we would just play with each other and just talk about crazy ideas and we were both brilliant students.

     

    Yeah, your lack of trust has developed gradually, with your parents (and I guess other adults too, like your grandfather?), in your childhood. And it remained a blueprint for how you view all other relationships. Even if you meet kind and loving people, your core belief (“I cannot trust people”) will be still working in your subconscious and will make you guarded and cautious.

    I thought about it and I think it’s that feeling like unconditional love doesn’t exist so they must be need me for something that’s why they’re being nice.etc

     

    Right. That means your intention is pure, and you have no expectations from the person to “pay you back”. Perhaps what you’ve experienced in your childhood is some kind of manipulation/transactionality, either on your own skin or in your family? That people would only help each other if they saw personal gain in it?

    I guess I did hear things like that in my teenage like “people are just there for their means” and even I saw things like that in adult life too.

     

    I guess that in that relationship too, you didn’t dare to show your own vulnerability, your own weaknesses, but you (actually both of you) were focusing mostly on her weaknesses, right? Like, she was the “project” that you were working on, and it wasn’t coming along well. And so you were getting frustrated, and she was feeling guilty etc etc.

    Yes you put it in the right words. We did take it like a “project”

     

    Even if you’d like to trust her, I think you still don’t trust her. Because the false core belief (“I cannot trust others”, or “Other people will hurt me”) is still active…

    At friendship level I do trust lately I found that it’s really easy for me to make friends. I made two friends and much younger than me and both are quite understanding and mature and I’m trying to be more vulnerable with them since they don’t shy away to be vulnerable with me. But when it comes to romantic relationships that’s where trust is no more

     

    Would to “let loose” mean to get “madly” in love, which means you’d become too distracted and not able to function properly?

    It seems you believe that if you fall in love, you’ll be too vulnerable, too distressed, not focused enough, and they’ll be able to prevent you from even reaching your goals, your career goals etc. Like, that the person you love will prevent you from reaching your goals and dreams. Could it be it?

     

    Kind of yes because I noticed that I always loved hard. I haven’t been taught to love in a soft way. And that’s why it hurts more too. That’s why just another day we were talking and I told my friend it’s better to be in serious relationship after I reach a certain life and career goals that I have.

     

    I am just thinking… betrayal of trust can happen if we open up and show vulnerability, and the other person ridicules us, shames us or uses it against us. Or it can happen if they promise us something and never deliver. And I guess it can also happen if they shame us and criticize us all the time (like your father and my mother did), and we can never trust that they wouldn’t hurt us. I wonder if any of these reasons resonate with you?

    Hmm I think “they promise us something and never deliver” this have happened many times in my previous relationship. But later on I told myself some people just don’t change why I’m giving too many chances.

     

    What prompted you to do that?

    Because I did started to like her and I got scared that what if I attached to her?

     

    Are you still FWB, if I may ask?

    Not really. We just had a meal together, went to the museum and a just cheek kisses.

     

    As in: nothing is wrong with the girl, but you still don’t want it. At least this is what I’m hearing…

    And that’s how fear works: it is irrational, it’s not based on our current reality, but on our old wounding. And it overpowers us…

    I think yeah we can say that.

     

    I hear what you’re saying, but it actually carries in itself a false belief: that if you focus on your career, you can’t be in a committed relationship. That those two are mutually exclusive. That love and career don’t mix, i.e. that they are in competition with each other. If that were true, then married people, or people in committed relationships, wouldn’t be able to have successful careers at all.

    You do have a good point but where I come from it’s like a mindset like mostly on guys have the pressure to do something for women they don’t have high hopes or put pressure to be something like yeah she can always find a rich husband but a for a guy, he got to be something good. I do believe in equality but it’s the environment around me.

    Actually, it might be a good exercise to journal about this: “If I fall in love, then….” Write down everything that comes to mind. What would you lose, or what kind of setbacks you believe you would experience if you fell in love. Maybe it will help you to get to the bottom of your fear…

    Ohh that’s very good idea, Thanks! I’ll take time for this and write down and see what comes in my mind.

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #428331
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Okay, so you believe you need to achieve the same as someone else, and then if you don’t, you beat yourself up, you feel bad about yourself (I feel guilty), and then your performance gets even worse (I procrastinate a lot).

    Comparison with others is something you were exposed to during your entire childhood: both your father and your grandfather were comparing you with other kids all the time, right? And now you are doing it to yourself. You’ve internalized your father and grandfather’s voice and it became a part of your inner critic. So comparing yourself to others is another way of telling yourself “I am not good enough/successful enough/rich enough/high on the ladder enough”.

    That’s why you “feel like times is passing too fast” (the title of your thread) – because there is a pressure to perform, to achieve, to push, push, push… because someone else is doing it better and faster than you.

    Would you agree with that?

    Yes I agree with that and thanks for that reminder again. I need to write this down again because apparently I do need this same reminder repeatedly time to time.

     

     

    Comparing ourselves to others is very toxic – it doesn’t motivate us but makes us feel like a failure. It’s not like a positive encouragement, but it always comes with a lot of self-judgment. And it eventually prevents us from thriving, because we feel like a failure, and so we self-sabotage.

    So my suggestion is to stop the comparison. See it for what it is: a toxic feature of your inner critic, something you’ve learned from your father and grandfather.

    There is a great youtube video “How to stop comparing yourself to others“, which just popped up in my feed, by Therapy in a nutshell. She says some fantastic things, e.g. that by comparing ourselves to others, we believe that our worth is dependent on how we score compared to others, how many people are above us or below us on the “ranking list”. And this always lead to disappointment because someone will always be better and more successful than us.

    Bottom line: by comparing ourselves to others we are allowing our worth (which is inherent) to be dependent on external factors. And we are setting ourselves up for failure.

     

    Yes! You’re right that’s why one of the reasons I’m using LinkedIn much less than before. Mainly for communication and network building. Because it would give me that “ranking list” pressure even more

    A better approach, she says, is to focus on integrity (living in accordance to your true values) rather than comparison. Here is an example: if we want to lose weight, the comparison mindset would say “Oh, Martha is in a such a great shape. I have to lose weight already!” Whereas the integrity mindset would say “My health is important to me. I will cut down on junk food and exercise more, because I want to be healthy.”

    I found this pretty cool: integrity mindset vs comparison mindset. Never heard it described this way, and loved it!

    Anyway, just wanted to share this…

    Thanks for the example I guess one way or another subconsciously I am comparing myself with others and I agree and “living in accordance to your true values” I did journal about this quite a while ago and I put lot of thought into that but so many things came up yet I still wrote it down. So I believe (not 100% sure) that my core values are Freedom, Simplicity, Honesty and Altruism…with added Open mindedness, Adventure, Wisdom, Faith and Inner peace. But how can I be sure what are my true values?

    How have you been? I hope you are fine…

     

    Well, Healthwise I’m doing alright but last week when I went for donate my blood, they gave me this report and told me that I have to gain my weight and hemoglobin %

    And Idk what’s happening, because I’m rarely eating out and 99% of the time I’m having home cooked meals mostly full of green vegetables curries.

     

    How about you? In your condition healthy food can make a difference?

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #428329
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Bonjour Tee,

    How are you doing?

    First of all, I’m really happy because I finally got the job! And in sustainability sector, Something that I’m passionate about, And fully remote, and very well paid!
    I’m just really grateful!!!

    Although because it’s been so damn long my mind just giving me doubts and fears even though I finally did it so I’m not able to celebrate it with all my senses!

     

    Thank you for your understanding, you are very kind. I did feel guilty multiple times for not responding, but I felt so paralyzed. But when you wrote last week, I sort of woke up and told myself “come on, enough of this self-pitying, it’s time to reply!” So thank you, you helped me wake up from my slumber 🙂

     

    Ohh Thanks I’m glad! You were and are still helping me throughout my mental health so at least I’m able to help a little haha

     

    Thanks, yeah, those are some real challenges, both health-wise and career-wise. But yeah, I hope I’ll be able to keep defrosting 🙂

    I understand but I think if you’ll fight with both it won’t be that effective imo. So what do you think what would happen if you only have choice to focus on one thing instead of both?

     

    Oh, so you broke up? Would you like to share some more, like how it happened?

    Well it’s not like we were in relationship to begin with… I was already trying to detach myself and spend much less time with her and then she got promoted and she had a choice of two cities and she chose another city.  But we’re still in touch. We talk sometimes. And when she was in the city few weeks, we did spend some time together.

    But I think you will only be ready once you heal those fears and lack of trust in people. So my advice is to work on your relationship fears as well, don’t just focus on your career. Because focusing only on your career is an avoidance strategy too. It’s easier for you. But it’s not helping, on the long-run…

     

    Yes you’re right but the thing is career is like a important for financial security so obviously I’m gonna give priority to that. And just few days ago one of my friend told me something that really struck me. So when I moved to new place even there this stray cat started coming and I started feeding but it’s been more than 2 months and my friend asked me what did you named her?? I was like why name?? And then she was like you’re so scared of attachment you’re not giving cat a name! I’m not telling you possess her. You’re way into detachment.

     

    And then I was thinking I’m practicing detachment because I have a fear of getting attached or it’s something else?

    Yeah, I hear you. I know this dichotomy very well: on the cognitive level, you know you are good enough and you try to be positive. But deeper, emotionally, on the inner child level, you feel helpless and alone. And losing hope, sometimes. For me, this hopelessness and helplessness got activated with my back injury and other health issues. That triggered it, but I’ve realized this feeling was always in me, only I wasn’t aware of it. And now it came to the surface. And there is no other way but to tackle it…

    I know right it’s like that underlying pain. And then that smile we trying to have feels kind of less genuine.

    I’ve just dug up a youtube video on negative core beliefs, by my favorite online therapist, Barbara Heffernan. There is a link to the pdf file below the video, where she explains how to transform those beliefs. The video is titled “Core Beliefs CBT“. Highly recommended. I’ve just done the exercise in the pdf file, for transforming the core beliefs. Let me know if you’ve tried it.

    Thanks for sharing I’ll watch it and let you know.

    I am sorry you’re not seeing your therapist any more. Is she still having problems with her eyes?

    Yes and recently grandson in the family so she’s giving all her time to daughter and lil baby.

     

    No, I can’t think of myself as reckless. I don’t think my inner child ever wanted to be reckless 🙂 But it would be nice to “just do it”, without too much rumination. And I wouldn’t do reckless things, but good things, things that I love. So perhaps a curious child, enthusiastic child, would be a better fit 🙂 But thanks for the idea to involve my inner child in her “original form”, while she was still not frightened and stifled by my mother’s programming. I like it, I’ll see if it works…

     

    Right! Enthusiastic and curious are better choice of words. Let me know if it works

     

    Yes! Discovering our false beliefs and then counteracting them is super powerful. I’ve just learned from Barbara Heffernan’s video that our core beliefs don’t reside in our cognitive brain, but in our limbic brain. That’s why we can’t overwrite them by simply thinking positively. We need to dig deeper into our old emotional experiences and re-write them as well… and that’s what her method should help in.

    Oh I see, That’s why it hasn’t been easy.

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #428156
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    I can imagine how excessive self-reliance is depleting you quickly. And then you blame yourself when you’re burnt out and haven’t succeeded in your (Herculean) task. You’re expecting a lot (too much) of yourself, you give yourself (too) big tasks, and then you’re putting yourself down when you don’t succeed. Would you agree with that?

     

    I mean I don’t know if I’m expecting a lot and I might be comparing myself with others here like others are already doing it then I can do it too. So I tell myself it’s doable. Because I think some people are dealing with more things than me yet still reaching their goals and finishing tasks then I can do it too. And whenever I try to give excuses to myself about something I feel guilty and yet still lot of times I procrastinate a lot.

     

     

    Yeah, your lack of trust has developed gradually, with your parents (and I guess other adults too, like your grandfather?), in your childhood. And it remained a blueprint for how you view all other relationships. Even if you meet kind and loving people, your core belief (“I cannot trust people”) will be still working in your subconscious and will make you guarded and cautious.

    Yes, we can change our modus operandi. A part of it is changing our false core beliefs. Mine would be “I am helpless”. Yours would be “I have to rely on myself”.

     

    I agree it makes me remember our conversation about old beliefs and I guess therapy did helped a bit but not very significant. And just I’m not seeing therapist anymore. I do try to journaling and work on removing my old beliefs and rooted fears. What kind of things that I can do to remove my old beliefs and rooted fears more efficient way? Kinda like rewiring our brain you know

    Yeah, I think the key issue for my father was his own upbringing with a “martyr” covert narcissistic mother and him always suppressing his needs to trying to make his mother happy. That was what formed him. And my mother was a similar “martyr” (in her own eyes), though not narcissistic. But his dynamic was similar: trying to please and appease his mother, and later his wife. So there was no way he would stand up for himself. I mean, he did have success in his career, but he was pretty suppressed at home.

    For your mother, she was perhaps financially dependent on your father as well, so that came into play as well? And the whole patriarchy thing, which I guess was still strong while you were growing up, right? So I can see why it might have been more difficult for her to standup for herself than it was for my father.

    Ah similar because my mother is also suppressed at home. It’s not like before but still yeah. And yeah patriarchy thing is really strong in small village environment.

    No, I don’t believe I am unworthy any more, but I still have a lot of procrastination when it comes to my career and the things I’d like to achieve. It’s like I am frozen a bit. And having all these health issues, and worrying about them, isn’t helping either: it makes me worry about it and ruminate and I end up feeling paralyzed. Like, I know what I want, but I am not working towards it.

    It’s related to my childhood “freeze” I think, where my mother feared too much for me and was the happiest when I was by her side, in “safety”. Riding a bike was seen as risky by her, so my parents never bought me a bike and I never learned how to ride (I think I’ve told you that already). So it’s this “deep freeze”, deep fear of facing challenges.

    Ah I see, I know it’s not easy for you but have you ever tried being a reckless child at this age? Like I don’t care what happens to me I want to do it means I want to do it. I guess because concerned and matured adult would think and ruminate a lot. Reckless child wouldn’t. and who knows you can get good results although it’s something really out of your comfort zone but something that you can try and feel like you got the power.

    And once you got taste of that feeling I guess your fear and anxiety would slowly disappear.

     

    Yeah, it seems your sense of not being good enough manifests in you pushing yourself above the limits, expecting too much of yourself (and believing you need to do it all by yourself). Whereas for me, I am not pushing myself at all, I am frozen. Again, we have the opposite reaction to a similar injury…

    It’s like you would need to tell yourself: “I am good enough and I am doing enough“. And I would need to tell myself “I am good enough and I can do this next step.” Perhaps 🙂

     

    Haha yeah, you’re right. Well, we got to try. Right!?

     

     

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #428155
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    ehhh I know, it’s been a long time, and I’ve disappeared again 🙁

    It’s mostly because of health issues, larger and smaller, which have been causing me health anxiety. It’s like I do have real health issues (I am not imagining it), but then my fear and worry about it make things worse. It occupies me, and it’s hard to focus on anything productive, including posting here on the forum.

    So yeah, I am sorry for not responding and disappearing yet again… And I thank you for being so kind and checking in on me… I really appreciate it, SereneWolf.

    It’s totally fine I can understand. I wanted to know if you’re getting better, but thanks for responding. I know your health issues aren’t easier, so I hope it gets better and I also hope that you get more courage and love over anxiety for your health.

    How have you been?

    I’m doing ok. Trying for my self-esteem issues and love myself more. But I believe I’m getting better. I’ve completely focused myself for my career. No situationships for now. Although my sister and brother-in-law kinda on a mission to find a girl for me and convince me to get married and I know their intention aren’t wrong and also started to tell me lot of good aspects from the right partner and marriage, so I’m not scared about marriage as I used to. Since I’m seeing a good thing about it. But I’ve told them only to start look for girls when I tell you that I’m ready. and they agreed.
    And lately I do try to be grateful and positive within, yet I still feel alone and helpless and losing hope sometimes. But I’m still being resilient. I’m trying to listen to Inner positive voices like Krishna and Uncle Iroh like and try to feel like someone’s watching over me and they got my back and things will get better.

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #427951
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    I hope you’re in good health. Just wanted to check in.

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #424781
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

     

    No, I live in an apartment building. I meant that in general: that rain is good for the crops out there in the fields 🙂

    Oh I see, I agree though here I like the starting of the winter the cool breeze and lot of fresh green veggies available to cook

     

    Yeah, I guess so. It’s my learned helplessness that was telling me differently. That’s what I’ve realized recently: that I adopted learned helplessness in many areas of my life (due to my childhood and upbringing), and it’s been a slow process to “unlearn” it. The most recent but long-lasting example is my health problems, which triggered a lot of my childhood trauma.

    And it actually occurred to me that you’re the opposite of me in that sense: whereas my “modus operandi” is learned helplessness (believing that I am weak, and relying too much on other people to help me/save me), yours seems to be excessive self-reliance, to the point to pushing other people away. In other words, I am too needy, while you seem to be not needing anyone, or rather, not wanting to need anyone.

     

    Oh I see, I didn’t know so thanks for sharing. Then how can same kind of wound could have opposite ends of spectrum? Also in my case excessive self-reliance is depleting my energy quickly and burning me out time to time yet still attacking my self-esteem. Like I’d be like I can do it no matter what and then when I’m not able to I blame myself subconsciously. Because in my head I’m like what others can do? I have to rely on myself to get things done.
    Because my trust issues adds up in this as well. But we can change our “modus operandi” right? How you’re still coping with feeling helpless?

    Both of those are defense mechanisms to a similar type of childhood wounding, but they are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. You had a very criticizing father and a mother who didn’t protect you, whereas for me it was a very criticizing mother and a father who didn’t protect me. Your mother and my father were more interested in keeping the “peace” in the house, while less interested in their child’s well-being.

    My father was more interested in appeasing my mother, than in protecting me. He would minimize and try to explain away my mother’s behavior. He was gaslighting both himself and me that what is happening is not a big deal. I believe your mother was the same?

    Yeah, I guess my mother thought peace in the family means more than my protection or my mental health and to be honest even now my parents aren’t much aware about like mental health is a thing. They think if you’re getting basic needs, you should be happier and kind of materialistic happiness. Because of the small village mentality. Also My mother did told me most of her life all she did is just calm my father’s anger because of relatives and other things going on. Which I think is very toxic on my father’s side. I wouldn’t be able to bear that behaviour any longer that’s why I started living on my own much earlier. I guess she just didn’t think about standing up for herself. Which could be the same case for your father?

     

     

    Of course, when I was a child I didn’t know that my father’s silence meant that he isn’t able to confront my mother. Instead, I believed that I was the problem and that my mother is right. My father’s silence meant a confirmation that I was a faulty child, that something is wrong with me. So he was complicit in my mother’s emotional abuse. He was a silent bystander, even though he never personally treated me badly.

    Anyway, I believe we got a double whammy of one abusive parent and the other silent/complicit. And it ruined our self-esteem, because the complicit parent didn’t protect us from the abusive one, and so the only message we’ve received was that we are bad and faulty. At least that’s the message I’ve received.

    Yeah that’s right and I think main issue here is our ruined self-esteem as a result which isn’t easier to heal faster. So now that you are aware that you weren’t the faulty child yet it’s still rooted in you? That’s what you mean?
    In my case luckily it’s not bad as before (But still) I do feel I have to achieve much more and I’m not good enough just yet.

     

    You did say your mother was kind and caring in many instances, and so was my father (specially when it was just the two of us spending time together, going on holidays, hikes etc). But when it comes to confronting my mother about her behavior (both towards me and towards himself), my father was weak. And so her message (that I am not good enough) never got counter-balanced by something positive.

    Yeah I think my mother’s behaviour was the same.

     

    Maybe I am repeating myself because we’ve been talking about this before. But it is what I’ve been thinking recently – how our defense mechanisms are on the opposite sides of the spectrum. Me: too dependent and needy. You: too “independent” and not wanting to need anyone.

    And it was not that hard for you to opt for total self-reliance – because you were quite capable and managed to get out unscathed from many tough situations/adventures, without needing your parents to save you. Which I guess strengthened the sense that you don’t need them and can manage on your own (in lot of situations I was alone and I saved my own self. There are some situations where people did helped me but still...)

    So once you were old enough (around 16), you stopped relying on your parents for physical survival and sustenance, and you moved out. You didn’t need them for emotional sustenance either, because they’ve hurt you, each in their own way. The result is that you became totally self-reliant. (In comparison, I still felt like a child at 20, and couldn’t imagine to move out and live independently.)

    It’s not a bad thing if we’re physically/financially self-reliant (that’s something we should actually strive for as adults – to be able to support ourselves). But your self-reliance stretches into the emotional realm too (But basically for relationship you’re right I’ve been hurt and I was alone so I thought just myself is enough). And this is giving you trouble now…

     

    I agree with you. And the thing is that I never been taught to give relationships priority you know. That’s something I discovered after my earlier 20s that building relationships romantic or generally it’s really important. And the self-reliance fueled that wrong belief even more. And the funny part is that I have trust issues even though till now I’ve met like really kind, helpful and amazing people. Generally takes me long to trust in the person. But what I’m glad about is that I was never into transactional relationships like I’m only helping you just because you helped me. I always have this mindset of If I’m able to help someone then I’m going to help. I don’t want something in return.

    But in previous romantic relationship part I was like a fixing figure so that also didn’t fulfilled me either so..

     

    Oh talking about that you know that women are more likely to fall in love when she have sex with the same person? But for men it’s not the same. Doctor told me that 😂

    I told her If she wants we can also stop physical things but she was like naah.. But anyways I guess we’re both little tired to find something more suitable for ourselves..

     

    Well, trust has to be built. I was talking about the person having a track record of being trustworthy, e.g. of showing up when they’ve promised, of not laughing at you when you show vulnerability, of supporting you when something bad happens (e.g. when your cat died). After a while, you realize you can trust them that they won’t hurt you or betray you.

    Hmm in that case I did meet mostly the nice women. Doctor is extra nice and sensitive though. But I did get your point. And the thing is I guess my senses are stronger in that regard if I’m around disrespectful and insensitive type of women I wouldn’t even think about going out with her or even act aloof when she tries to get along with me. But I guess I do have to try to meet more women not just for romantic relationship but to remove my shyness to ask out someone when I actually like them

     

    Fast love can be infatuation – it’s when we have our rose-colored glasses on and idealize the person and fail to see the warning signs. But for you, I guess you’re afraid to fall in love – you are afraid to form an attachment to the person – because you are afraid they’d hurt you. I think that whenever we get attached to someone, we need something from them, and them disappearing from our lives would hurt us. So that’s a risk that you are not willing to take yet.

    I think that’s why you don’t feel “fast love” – because you’re preventing yourself from falling in love, i.e. to form that attachment.

     

    Ohh right definitely I am afraid of falling in love. It feels like I’m trying to protecting too much or like not letting it loose enough you know.. and I don’t think I need something from them. But more like fear of wasting time and not working out and just dull over the time you know. Because again I still have the fear that I’m not getting any younger

     

    Yes, and you’re actually getting to know her, and based on what you said, she seems trustworthy. But your fear doesn’t let you start trusting her. It doesn’t let you fall in love with her either.

    Hmm I guess so.. and I do trust her. But somehow I’m still not trusting in this relationship working out with her

     

     

    Yes, it is 🙂 You’re seeing it clearly. Which is a good place to start healing 🙂

    I’ve got some ideas why you have so much mistrust, and I think it’s related to your mother not really supporting you, but making allegiance with your father (excusing his abusive behavior, and telling you to be the mature one and tolerate abuse). So it was a kind of betrayal.

    How do you feel about all this? We can explore it some more, if you feel like it…

    To be honest I’m not sure if that’s the root cause it may be I don’t know… and yeah we can explore

     

    Maybe she was actually jealous of your enthusiasm and didn’t like it? It wouldn’t be your fault, of course, but maybe she is intimidated by people who seem more confident and energetic than she is?

    In any case, I am very sorry. It’s their loss not hiring you, because you would have been a great asset… But anyway, you’ll find something else, something close to your heart, and hopefully very soon!

    She did seem intimidated but I couldn’t just hide my enthusiasm because I practiced a lot and I was just more hopeful so..

    Yeah thanks I hope so.. I took few days of break for applying. I didn’t just felt like it. I started applying again though so let’s see.

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #423794
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Well just got an update for an interview. not selected for further round. 🥲
    I did had a good feeling about this one but oh well

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #423780
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    How’s your week going?

    It’s more rainy than I’d fancy, but it’s okay, it’s good for the plants and crops 🙂

    Oh cool. You have like your own little farm that you grow crops in? what plants are there?

     

    Yes, although with health anxiety it’s tricky because the pain is in the body, so sometimes it’s triggering to focus on one’s body and feel all the various sensations (which is a typical exercise for grounding), because then you’ll feel the pain too, and it’s counterproductive. So for me, it is more like self-suggestion and telling myself that I am stronger than I think, and that the last time the pain went away, so it will happen this time too.

    Ah I see, that’s right triggering the feeling of pain ain’t easy. And you’re indeed much stronger than you think! No matter what your anxiety says to you.

     

    Great! I am rooting for you to make it happen!

    Thanks a lot 😀

     

    You are very welcome. Yeah, self-worth is key, and that’s what gets damaged when we have a criticizing parent. Your father made you believe you’re not good enough (when you didn’t get straight As, when you didn’t get him the right tool immediately, and in many other occasions throughout your childhood), and so that’s what you started believing about yourself too. And it takes a long time and healing to undo that false belief…

    Yes I guess because I’m self-aware about these things at later age it’s little bit harder because the roots are deeper

    I am glad you’re aware of your skills, and how capable you are of learning new things, adapting, and thriving in a new setting. So yeah, don’t forget that. And indeed, that you’re an asset and have a lot to offer.

    Yes I’m trying to believe that!

     

    What I am trying to say is don’t immediately make the worst possible conclusion about yourself. Don’t question your worth, even if a company rejects you!

    Well to be honest I’m not doing that consciously. Most of the time I’ve seen those emails I’d just ignore it. I be like yeah okay, there will be a good match soon. But I guess maybe it’s my subconscious.

     

    First, I am happy if you started believing that you can find someone compatible, someone you can enjoy time together even in silence. That’s so precious! And if this girl is in that category, you’re lucky.

    Well she is in that category. But I’m always questioning this like there is very slight chance that it would work out between us. Because I do like to spend time with her but she also scares me with her bold “commitment type” of moves sometimes 😂

    It sounds like the fear of getting hurt, once you’ve given your heart to someone. When we love, we are vulnerable. We’ve talked about vulnerability before. Without vulnerability, there is no healthy relationship. There is no authenticity. But you fear to be vulnerable because if we’re hurt by someone we love and trust, it hurts a lot. It hurts like hell.

    And you’ve already experienced this pain in your childhood: you’ve opened your heart and trusted your parents, and they’ve hurt you. Specially your father. And it happened again and again. So for you, being vulnerable and needing someone is a big no-no. Super scary. You want to prevent to be hurt again. Would you agree with this?

     

    Hmm not really because I believe it’s not about getting hurt anymore. Because I don’t know I got this sense of strength that it is my heart and I’m able to heal my heart no matter what. Maybe my heart is rigid and I’m also sensitive occasionally but I know time and patience can heal heart. And because of this girl I don’t think I’m much scared about vulnerability either.

    There are no guarantees in life. And no absolute security. When I get out in the street, who guarantees me that a brick won’t fall on my head? That I won’t be hit by a car? If we lived like that, we wouldn’t live at all.

    But still, in a relationship, you can know if someone is trustworthy. It’s not so completely random. Because the person has a track record or supporting you and being there for you. If you marry someone, you don’t marry them at a whim, but because you’ve got to know the person. You’ve been vulnerable with them, and they’ve been vulnerable with you. And when problems arise, you communicate about it, you don’t pretend that everything is fine.

    All this is still not a guarantee of “living happily ever after”, but it gives you a certain certainty, a higher probability of things working out.

    You know what they say: nothing is ever certain in life, only death is. But within that general uncertainty, you can still count on some people and trust them – because they have proven themselves as trustworthy.

     

    I agree with you. So what you mean is a process of trusting first and even for me in relationship trust comes first and after that, love. Maybe somewhere I still believe in fast love yet still have that feeling of security which isn’t right. My controlling behavior haha

    And slow love, like getting to know the person, building trust and love based on that. It seems long process but there is actually much higher probability.

    But because I was already in many unhealthy relationship dynamics even that seems questionable and time wasting to me. So in a way I’m craving a heathy love yet still exhausted to actually put in efforts for healthy love. Me, I’m the problem it’s me 😂

     

    Retina is super important… I do hope she gets better. There are also vitamins she can take, to strengthen the retina, but I guess she knows all that…

    I guess she’s already doing that but it what happened to her is more like genetic so..

     

    Great! Were they physically dangerous situations (like watching the lioness give birth in the jungle), or other types of situations?

    Yes. Physically and mentally dangerous both. I went to visit oil refinery with my uncle and they gave us VIP pass and my uncle was there for business matters so he was working and I was just curious checking things here and there was this giant pod they didn’t know I was in so they locked up. They couldn’t even hear if I scream. So I just sit there for an hour and after that looking around and see thing yellow printed sign for the location and pickup time was on the pod so I was like damn if I won’t hurry I’m going to dead because they lift up the pod with machines and it’s quite fast so much higher chances of me getting crushed inside the pod. But I calmed myself and there was this pointy rod thing I managed to remove it after like half house and sharp pointy rod can make much higher noise to an iron pod so, so that’s how they find out I was there 😂

    And it happened with wild animals too… not giving birth (Because that is actually beautiful thing) but in Lion just sitting on the way when I was just riding my bicycle going back home. I wasn’t taking road but the farm area shortcuts because it was easier and faster. If you move too much around lion it would mean you’re a meal that’s it. So I literally waited like 3.5 hours just sitting there waiting him to move on his own and till then I was just sitting on my bicycle like a statue.

    And lot of other normal work and school related things lol

     

    You see how much hope (and trust) you had, even in dangerous, possibly life-threatening situations? I guess you had trust in yourself and your own abilities, and in providence, right?

    At the same time, you are scared to trust another person. I am not judging you at all, just inviting you to notice it. You’re scared to trust because you’ve been hurt in your childhood. So trust in relationships is gone. Trust in nature (and your own abilities) is still there, but trust in another person is gone.

    Yes exactly because in lot of situations I was alone and I saved my own self. There are some situations where people did helped me but still..

    But basically for relationship you’re right I’ve been hurt and I was alone so I thought just myself is enough.

     

    Yes you do. You’d only have to learn how to trust again…

    Yes I know, I’m trying

     

    Wishing you best of luck on Wednesday! (but we can talk in the meanwhile too, hope my eyes wills serve me 🙂 )

     

    Thanks, and yes my interview went actually well. Beyond my expectations. I practiced a lot but she didn’t ask many things. but Still I don’t think I gave the best answers but more like satisfactory? Because the Technical interviewer had less energy and I was energetic, so I guess she did like that enthusiasm as well. but let’s see now. There will be another interview with Data scientist soon. But I’m still worried though.

    You still having eye problems?  Is it getting any better?

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #423608
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Hope you’re having a good weekend.

    So it’s like there is a real reason why I am concerned about my health, but still, I don’t need to worry that much. This excessive worrying is a part of health anxiety, and luckily I am learning how to deal with it and calm myself down.

    I see what you mean I understood it now. But I’m glad you’re able to deal with it now. I guess this also involves some grounding practice?

     

    Yes, they both are super important sectors, and sustainability is close to my heart too. It’s good that you’re looking for jobs in fields that are meaningful to you!

    Me too. and when I gather enough capital, I want to start some good sustainability startup for sure. That’s one of my goals.

    I understand that you really want this job. And the pressure to get it. But unfortunately it increases your anxiety, which then makes it harder during the interview. Perhaps the first thing you’d need to do it put the perfectionist pressure off yourself: “Need to ace all of this interviews.”

    No, you don’t need to ace them. You don’t need to be perfect, which was the requirement your father has put on you. You only need to be yourself – which is GOOD ENOUGH.

    Because honestly, without flattering you, Serenewolf, you are good enough. You are more than qualified, you have the experience, the knowledge, the managerial skills, and emotional intelligence as well. You’ve got both the tech skills and the soft skills. So really, I think you’re a well-rounded candidate with a lot to offer.

    Please think of yourself in those terms. You’ll be a great asset for them, they’ll be lucky to have you. You’ve got a lot of offer. Try to think in those terms.

    Again Thanks for giving me amazing and touching reminders about myself. I do tend to forget my own self worth or what I’m able to provide or achieve. I believe Long term of inner  critic have to do something with that or maybe something else. My soft skills have indeed improved much better as well as technical skills and top of that I’m so adaptable to learn new things. The first company I worked for I literally learned everything under a week. Even though I was a total fresher at that time.

    Yeah, keep your focus on your job for now. You can return to the relationship topic later. But also, if you can relax a bit and see yourself as a great candidate for the job (like I suggested above), you don’t need to worry that much. Just change the perspective a little, and you won’t be under such huge pressure.

    Yes you’re right I’m trying to change my perspective but after getting many rejection emails it’s not that easy you know

    I’ve heard once that excitement and anxiety are very similar in terms of the hormones that are secreted. I’ve just looked it up now and found a Forbes article about it, titled “Anxiety vs relaxation: Relabeling anxiety as excitement“. Here is an excerpt:

    The feeling of anxiety is physiologically almost the same as the feeling of excitement. Both feelings produce an elevated heart rate and a feeling of butterflies in your stomach. Both might make you sweat. Your body is readying itself for action. But the feelings are different.

    If you can redefine getting this job as an opportunity and challenge, rather than a horrible loss if it doesn’t happen, you might be able to feel more excitement and less fear and anxiety. Anyway, just an idea. Let me know how it sounds to you.

    That’s a really insightful advice indeed! Thanks for sharing. I love it 😀

    I think it has to do with your childhood experience of not feeling safe and accepted in the relationship with your parents (specially with your father). Relationship and vulnerability feels like a burden, perhaps even a threat, rather than a source of comfort and safety. From what we’ve talked about so far, relationship feels like a threat to your independence, freedom, life goals, pursuing your passions… Am I right in thinking that? And as long as you see relationship as a threat, no wonder you’ll be afraid of it.

    Recently I’m not seeing relationship as a threat. But more like what if after that much invested time and emotions what if it doesn’t work out? So it’s a fear like this. Because there’s another thing Now I know I can find someone who understand me and we have similar life values and enjoy time together even in silence. (Not easy but not that hard) and don’t get me wrong I try to be positive for love but the thing is still if I read or see something around like Breakup or cheating or hear some things like that from someone I’m immediately somewhat feeling like I’m saved. Because I’m not committed, I don’t have to deal with those things.
    Just recently one of my friend’s bf ended relationship with her saying that he doesn’t love her anymore and ended a 7 YEARS long relationship. So hearing things like this how can I be even little hopeful?

     

    You mean you need to repeat everything about yourself to the new therapist, until they get to know you?

    Yes and you already know how much harder it is for me express myself properly

    She does sound like a very kind and supportive person, who is willing to help in spite of her health issues. That’s admirable. I understand why you don’t want to switch to someone else. Let’s hope she will get better soon. By the way, does she have a diagnosis of what her eye problems are?

    She have some kind of retinal condition. So it’s advised to her that she should spend much less screentime as possible to prevent further damage and sometimes she’s also getting migraines as well so

    Sure, yes, a good therapist is first and foremost a positive, compassionate presence in our life. Someone who listens to us without judgment. Someone we can be authentic with. Therapeutic relationship is important precisely because of that. Because a therapist ideally creates a safe, non-judgmental place for us to express ourselves, to be ourselves. Something many of us didn’t have while growing up. In doing so, the therapist also teaches us to create that safe place within ourselves: our internal good parent, or Uncle Iroh or Lord Krishna.

    And you succeeded in creating that safe space within yourself, because as you say: And that’s why I’m blaming myself much less than I used to.

    And because of that, yes, it’s easier to do self-healing too, because you have your own inner therapist now. The inner critic is still there, but Uncle Iroh is there too, and that’s so precious!

    Haha well tbh it what keeps me sane time to time. Because I’ve been situations that normal person just couldn’t even bare. And even in that kind of time I was able to be calm and tell myself it’s alright, Breathe. I can solve it. I can handle this.
    And sometimes even like just surrendering myself for like total hope. Like no matter what it’ll be alright. I survived lot of things and I’ll survive this and succeed. And lot of times it actually worked without even putting too much effort. Can you imagine?

     

    Thank you, SereneWolf. I think you’ve made an amazing progress. I remember in the beginning you didn’t want to accept that our childhood has a huge impact on us as adults 🙂 but then you kind of “got it”, and that’s when you really went deeper and expanded your self-awareness. That’s when you decided to start therapy too… All that helped you to have much more compassion and understanding for yourself. And I hope you do feel better about yourself in your day-to-day life, without too much self-blame and self-criticism?

    You still have work to do related to the fear of relationship, but you’ll get there. Right now, focus on feeling good enough for the job you’re applying for. Because as I said, you’re more than good enough. Just try to get your confidence up, feeling good in your own skin, and I promise you, you’ll ace that interview, without even trying to do it 😀

     

    Oh haha I remember I was being stubborn about it but thanks again for always being understanding, guiding me and supporting me. I highly appreciate it. And yeah I do think I’m much self-aware than before. And I do feel much better about myself than before definitely. I’d say Self-blame is totally gone but yeah some self-criticism is still there.

    Yes I know I have to work on my fear of relationship because I know I have so much love to give.
    Yes. I’m already practicing for an interview. Thanks a lot for your good wishes! I feel much better. 🌻😃

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