Hi Tee,

How’s your week going?

It’s more rainy than I’d fancy, but it’s okay, it’s good for the plants and crops 🙂

Oh cool. You have like your own little farm that you grow crops in? what plants are there?

Yes, although with health anxiety it’s tricky because the pain is in the body, so sometimes it’s triggering to focus on one’s body and feel all the various sensations (which is a typical exercise for grounding), because then you’ll feel the pain too, and it’s counterproductive. So for me, it is more like self-suggestion and telling myself that I am stronger than I think, and that the last time the pain went away, so it will happen this time too.

Ah I see, that’s right triggering the feeling of pain ain’t easy. And you’re indeed much stronger than you think! No matter what your anxiety says to you.

Great! I am rooting for you to make it happen!

Thanks a lot 😀

You are very welcome. Yeah, self-worth is key, and that’s what gets damaged when we have a criticizing parent. Your father made you believe you’re not good enough (when you didn’t get straight As, when you didn’t get him the right tool immediately, and in many other occasions throughout your childhood), and so that’s what you started believing about yourself too. And it takes a long time and healing to undo that false belief…

Yes I guess because I’m self-aware about these things at later age it’s little bit harder because the roots are deeper

I am glad you’re aware of your skills, and how capable you are of learning new things, adapting, and thriving in a new setting. So yeah, don’t forget that. And indeed, that you’re an asset and have a lot to offer.

Yes I’m trying to believe that!

What I am trying to say is don’t immediately make the worst possible conclusion about yourself. Don’t question your worth, even if a company rejects you!

Well to be honest I’m not doing that consciously. Most of the time I’ve seen those emails I’d just ignore it. I be like yeah okay, there will be a good match soon. But I guess maybe it’s my subconscious.

First, I am happy if you started believing that you can find someone compatible, someone you can enjoy time together even in silence. That’s so precious! And if this girl is in that category, you’re lucky.

Well she is in that category. But I’m always questioning this like there is very slight chance that it would work out between us. Because I do like to spend time with her but she also scares me with her bold “commitment type” of moves sometimes 😂

It sounds like the fear of getting hurt, once you’ve given your heart to someone. When we love, we are vulnerable. We’ve talked about vulnerability before. Without vulnerability, there is no healthy relationship. There is no authenticity. But you fear to be vulnerable because if we’re hurt by someone we love and trust, it hurts a lot. It hurts like hell.

And you’ve already experienced this pain in your childhood: you’ve opened your heart and trusted your parents, and they’ve hurt you. Specially your father. And it happened again and again. So for you, being vulnerable and needing someone is a big no-no. Super scary. You want to prevent to be hurt again. Would you agree with this?

Hmm not really because I believe it’s not about getting hurt anymore. Because I don’t know I got this sense of strength that it is my heart and I’m able to heal my heart no matter what. Maybe my heart is rigid and I’m also sensitive occasionally but I know time and patience can heal heart. And because of this girl I don’t think I’m much scared about vulnerability either.

There are no guarantees in life. And no absolute security. When I get out in the street, who guarantees me that a brick won’t fall on my head? That I won’t be hit by a car? If we lived like that, we wouldn’t live at all.

But still, in a relationship, you can know if someone is trustworthy. It’s not so completely random. Because the person has a track record or supporting you and being there for you. If you marry someone, you don’t marry them at a whim, but because you’ve got to know the person. You’ve been vulnerable with them, and they’ve been vulnerable with you. And when problems arise, you communicate about it, you don’t pretend that everything is fine.

All this is still not a guarantee of “living happily ever after”, but it gives you a certain certainty, a higher probability of things working out.

You know what they say: nothing is ever certain in life, only death is. But within that general uncertainty, you can still count on some people and trust them – because they have proven themselves as trustworthy.

I agree with you. So what you mean is a process of trusting first and even for me in relationship trust comes first and after that, love. Maybe somewhere I still believe in fast love yet still have that feeling of security which isn’t right. My controlling behavior haha

And slow love, like getting to know the person, building trust and love based on that. It seems long process but there is actually much higher probability.

But because I was already in many unhealthy relationship dynamics even that seems questionable and time wasting to me. So in a way I’m craving a heathy love yet still exhausted to actually put in efforts for healthy love. Me, I’m the problem it’s me 😂

Retina is super important… I do hope she gets better. There are also vitamins she can take, to strengthen the retina, but I guess she knows all that…

I guess she’s already doing that but it what happened to her is more like genetic so..

Great! Were they physically dangerous situations (like watching the lioness give birth in the jungle), or other types of situations?

Yes. Physically and mentally dangerous both. I went to visit oil refinery with my uncle and they gave us VIP pass and my uncle was there for business matters so he was working and I was just curious checking things here and there was this giant pod they didn’t know I was in so they locked up. They couldn’t even hear if I scream. So I just sit there for an hour and after that looking around and see thing yellow printed sign for the location and pickup time was on the pod so I was like damn if I won’t hurry I’m going to dead because they lift up the pod with machines and it’s quite fast so much higher chances of me getting crushed inside the pod. But I calmed myself and there was this pointy rod thing I managed to remove it after like half house and sharp pointy rod can make much higher noise to an iron pod so, so that’s how they find out I was there 😂

And it happened with wild animals too… not giving birth (Because that is actually beautiful thing) but in Lion just sitting on the way when I was just riding my bicycle going back home. I wasn’t taking road but the farm area shortcuts because it was easier and faster. If you move too much around lion it would mean you’re a meal that’s it. So I literally waited like 3.5 hours just sitting there waiting him to move on his own and till then I was just sitting on my bicycle like a statue.

And lot of other normal work and school related things lol

You see how much hope (and trust) you had, even in dangerous, possibly life-threatening situations? I guess you had trust in yourself and your own abilities, and in providence, right?

At the same time, you are scared to trust another person. I am not judging you at all, just inviting you to notice it. You’re scared to trust because you’ve been hurt in your childhood. So trust in relationships is gone. Trust in nature (and your own abilities) is still there, but trust in another person is gone.

Yes exactly because in lot of situations I was alone and I saved my own self. There are some situations where people did helped me but still..

But basically for relationship you’re right I’ve been hurt and I was alone so I thought just myself is enough.

Yes you do. You’d only have to learn how to trust again…

Yes I know, I’m trying

Wishing you best of luck on Wednesday! (but we can talk in the meanwhile too, hope my eyes wills serve me 🙂 )

Thanks, and yes my interview went actually well. Beyond my expectations. I practiced a lot but she didn’t ask many things. but Still I don’t think I gave the best answers but more like satisfactory? Because the Technical interviewer had less energy and I was energetic, so I guess she did like that enthusiasm as well. but let’s see now. There will be another interview with Data scientist soon. But I’m still worried though.

You still having eye problems?  Is it getting any better?

Hey Tee,

Actually, I am only now starting to learn to be more resilient. These health issues made me feel very fragile physically, but I’ve realized I am also fragile emotionally. For example, believing that I’d never heal, worrying, catastrophizing etc. And I’ve learned that those are all symptoms of health anxiety. So now I’ve learned how to cope with that anxiety, and also to start seeing myself as more resilient (physically) than I thought I was.

So nowadays, whenever I have a flare-up of my symptoms, I don’t start despairing and thinking my life is over, but I let it pass. And within a few days, my symptoms do subside and I feel better again. So this is how I am learning resilience… by tolerating physical pain 🙂 But it’s been hard, a very hard lesson.. but anyway, that’s life, I hope I am now stronger because of it 🙂

Oh actually I didn’t even know there’s a specifically thing like health anxiety exist. But I’m glad you found a way to cope with that anxiety. I guess we always find a way one way or another. And I do like your approach because in your situation combining with physical pain so it’s easy to feel fragile and anxious! so Keep up your good work 😀

So you ended up not applying for that entry level job, which was paying well and looked promising?

I did apply but unfortunately didn’t get selected. Someone with even higher experience than me started working there with less salary package. But I didn’t sulk over that because it was months ago and I thought maybe that person needed that job more than me.

I am sorry it’s been so stressful for you. Are the opportunities so limited or you are somewhat picky, looking for a very specific thing?

It’s the IT job market in general. There aren’t even enough jobs open, on top of that layoffs. And what I’m looking for is working in HealthTech or Sustainability sector. Because I think it’s meaningful for me and also impactful.

Luckily just Thursday I passed initial interview for this Healthtech company. It’s really good position. Took me really long to get selected for a position like that. It’s also fully remote. And enough pay that I can also move to Europe without any issues.

Now I have next technical interview on Next Wednesday. but I have high hope for this as well as this crazy fear and anxiety that what if I don’t perform well and don’t get it? It’s a really good opportunity that I just don’t want to lose. And it’s just not even letting me practice with good focus. Because this one has multiple stage of interviews after interview on Wednesday there will be two more interviews. And I Need to ace all of this interviews.

I see. It just occurred to me that when you are under stress and feeling bad about something (like with the job search at the moment), you don’t need anyone around to support you. Like, a romantic relationship isn’t a resource for you, but a burden, it seems? And so you tend to get rid of the relationship, to feel less burdened, right?

When I talked about this my therapist while ago she said at difficult time that’s what exactly you need, someone who really supports you and she told me try to stop always being self-dependent. But tbh I’m not able to do that for now. My focus for job is sharp. Because currently it’s a necessity.

It seems she really likes you and is waiting for you. I am kind of rooting for the two of you too 🙂 Because she seems like a good girl… But anyway, you’ll see. Those things cannot (and shouldn’t) be forced, that’s for sure.

You’re right and like you know we discussed before like I need to be more hopeFul romantic not hopeLess romantic. But I don’t know why but I’m still very hopeless about love. On top of that because of this kind of thinking I’m already feeling like I’d end up alone and no one would love me with their whole heart if I’m keep rejecting love like this.

Because tbh I do really like her but I just don’t see future in her even though she’s really good I just don’t know why…

Oh I am sorry about that. I also had some eye issues, and it was very frightening, but I did get better, thankfully. I hope your therapist will get better too.

I hope so. Because with another therapist it’s all from 0 to 1. And more than that It’s the good relationship you know. Because I want good connection too.

Are you doing those exercises? Are you in touch with her? I mean, is she available at least from time to time? Because self-healing is hard, although not impossible.

I’m not able to doing those exercises daily tbh. But yes I’m in touch with her. And just look her dedication she said we can communicate over written letters like the old times. And she won’t even charge me any fees for that. She also believes everything happens for a reason, and this would help her do more writing which she always wanted to do in her teenage years, How would I think about changing a therapist like this?

Self-healing is indeed not easy. But at the end of the day therapists are only like a guide but all the inner work we have to do by ourselves so..

I’ve heard once a great concept, which is that emotional wounds happened in a relationship, and that’s why we also need a relationship to heal them. A therapeutic relationship primarily. Or we need to have a strong sense of self-compassion, which is like having an inner therapist rather than the inner critic. Unless we have developed a strong inner coach/therapist/good parent figure, emotional healing is hard to do on our own.

So I think it would make sense to try to find another therapist – someone you do have a good rapport with. Unless you’re feeling you’re making progress on your own too?

 

That’s indeed a great concept and I guess I’m trying to bring that inner therapist/parent figure more. For example. Uncle Iroh or Krishnaji (Lord Krishna). And that’s why I’m blaming myself much less than I used to.

Well I do feel like I’m making a progress but for different perspective I wouldn’t mind you telling what do you think my progress so far? Because obviously you continuously contributing a huge part in my healing journey. Because we started communicating long before I even started therapy.

Hi Tee!

Yay! I’m really glad! I guess long vacation did helped in some ways :D, Where did you travelled if you don’t mind me asking.
Yes that’s right let your eyes rest. No need to say sorry.

I’m still being resilient and applying for jobs.

Hi Tee,

sorry for the delay, I am on holidays and spending less time at the computer.

That’s fine! I hope you’re enjoying your holidays well 😀

Thank you! Although I have to say, these last few days have been rough health-wise, so it was hard to stay optimistic. But then it eventually got better again, and I can keep on keeping on…

I got fever too (2-3 Days) and damn that’s not easy, and for your health it’s much complex and bigger so I understand, and I admire your strength to keeping on.

I guess when you start working on those attachment wounds and the fear of intimacy and vulnerability. When you heal enough so you won’t feel threatened by being in a relationship. Because right now, you probably fear that you’ll lose your freedom, independence, ability to do what you enjoy doing, right?

This? Yes I fear that!

Maybe you’re also afraid of being judged, so you feel you need to perform and meet certain expectations, and can’t just be yourself in the relationship?

But I don’t think I’m afraid of being judged anymore in the relationship because nothing is more energy draining than act as per like someone’s expectations person by person. That’s like people pleasing but out of relationship situation I still have some people pleasing tendencies.

But you said your girlfriend isn’t really rushing to get married and have children. So it seems she isn’t the cause of stress but it’s more like that you’re telling yourself that being in a relationship means needing to settle down and have children within the 2-3 year time span. So it’s more like the false belief and the expectation that you are putting on yourself is what causes you pressure, rather than your girlfriend putting pressure on you, right?

She’s not rushing because she knows I’m not serious like her into this relationship, When we met for our second date, she did mention that she’s tired and she wants to settle down. Because even she thinks finding love isn’t easy at all. She literally sends me cute baby videos on IG time to time! And she also suggested adopting a kitten together when my cat ran away, I may have been taking it the wrong way, but you know what that means right? But yeah these are just my assumptions… But saying indirect “yes” to those things means taking things next level and going into the pool!

So I’d say he never gave you the freedom to be yourself – even if he gave you the freedom to move away from home.

Hmm so it’s like for his own ego and comfort?

I don’t know if he meant to say that he might have made mistakes in your (and your siblings’) upbringing? If he is willing to admit that he might have made mistakes, that’s already something. Because my mother isn’t willing to admit that.

Well like I’ve told you he did said sorry to my grandmother when we had a fight in the past. Not directly to me but still yeah

Haha, you said you were in your late 20s, so I put the highest possible age. But if you’re even younger than that, then my words have an even bigger weight!  Because you’re really young and the entire life is ahead of you.

But you know how days are going? Like a blink of an eye! I feel so nostalgic watching old anime it feels like yesterday when I used to watch those things. Also I do have to mention that I guess I’m using that to sooth myself from this really fast paced AI world.

Your inner critic used the opportunity to judge you for being lazy and not working on actively defending yourself from…. the inner critic himself! You see that mechanism?

But but isn’t that rational and right? 😅

The inner critic uses everything to turn things against you, even my advice on how to get rid of it! So just pay attention to that and notice every time you scold yourself for anything. Because every such scolding is the inner critic in action.

Hmm I guess I’ll have to try more

If you like the position and it pays well even at the entry level, and it gives you an opportunity for career advancement – then sure, go for it! The only question is – how come the entry level pays more than the manager level somewhere else? Have you checked if this company is legit and there are no scams involved? If they are legit, if there’s nothing fishy, then I’d say take it, by all means.

Thanks and They’re legal and it’s not a scam, It’s paying well because they raised lot of funding recently even during this time! So, they have a lot of confidence for their product and I like that. And I even researched for their salary data and they’re paying Product person 4x higher!

Hey Tee,

I am a bit better health-wise, so I had a good weekend. I mean, nothing special, but pleasant and mostly pain-free, which is a miracle when it happens.

I’m glad to know that. I like that you have very grateful perspective towards this.

I am so sorry your new cat ran away Perhaps she’ll come back?

She still didn’t. But I’m not that much worried like a cat before. Because I don’t know I have a feeling that she’ll survive.

Okay, so you’re determined not to get married. Have you ever talked about the future and topics like marriage and children? What does she say about you wanting to work remotely and possibly moving to a different city? Do you talk about that?

I mean she already is well aware about my plans for remote working and moving to different cities and because of her profession she can’t do it even if she wants to, and for marriage we both decided to not rush and after that I told her no for a love relationship so…

It seems she feels the connection at the moment, as she is comforting you about your job loss and all that. She feels a certain closeness, and I guess that’s why she doesn’t feel that you’re not giving her what she needs. But she did feel it in the past – that’s why she was tempted to go back to her ex. So I guess right now she feels close to you, because you’re open to receiving her love and support. But once you’ll be in a better place and less fragile, she might experience that you’re withdrawing again…

Hmm I guess you’re right but I don’t want her to stuck with me for confusing type of love. She deserves something much more and direct, But she still wants to spend time with me because she may have that hope of finding a way to my heart key.. and because of my career now I’m focused only on that instead of relationship.

Yes, it’s hard to accept that. I too was hoping that my mother would realize that she hurt me and that she didn’t give me the kind of love I needed. But she refused to see it. She still believes she was a good mother and I am an ungrateful daughter.

What? She still believes that she was a good mother and it was your fault?? How? Why?

Oh I didn’t know there is JOMO too, as opposed to FOMO But yeah, we can’t do everything and be at more places at one time. Life is about choices, and we choose one thing at the expense of other. Even if this other thing is also good. But still, we need to make choices and omit certain things, because our time and resources are limited. You also omit a lot during sleep, if you think about it, and yet, you need sleep, because those are your biological limits.

Yes but the thing is that because I made some bad choices in the past now I have fear that I may make bad choices again and everyone says these years of life are golden years so it’s like break it or make it so later on I don’t want to regret that I didn’t make good choices… I guess it’s also one of the reasons for my low self-esteem. You see what I mean?

Are you worried about missing out on travel? Or you’re more worried about being late in your achievements and career success?

Actually both!

 Well, they are very short-sighted and stingy, and you shouldn’t be sorry for leaving that company. I hope you’ll find some place where they’ll appreciate people like you more, and not take advantage of them and them toss them away

Yes but companies are really scared of slow economy so they’re putting money first instead of people.

Yeah, I understand that people are rushing to find just anything, because they need the money and the opportunities are shrinking. But if you can afford to wait a little longer, then do it. Don’t fall for the fear that you won’t find anything – because you sure will, if it comes to that. But maybe you’ll have to be less picky, you’ll see about that.

Right so I started to apply for position that also related to Product Management means much broader and more opportunities… and after working like 6 months to 1 year I can start applying for the position that are stronger for PM roles because Let’s hope by then job market would be better? What do you think?

Ola Tee,

How was your weekend?

I wouldn’t know about that. But I guess you should train her how to use the toilette and stuff like that. I’ve never had a pet, so cannot really give advice on that…

Well actually she ran away yesterday evening ☹

So you are sure that you don’t want this to grow into something long term, possibly even marriage?

Nope. No marriage

Now, you’d need to chose her. I know it’s really hard for you, due to your attachment issues. But I am just saying – I think it would be a worthy effort to work on your fear of commitment, while in the relationship with her. I think making that effort would actually make sense, and it wouldn’t be a waste of time.

So I think this would be my answer to your question: So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?

Work on your fear of commitment, while staying in the relationship. Don’t stay in that fear forever, without challenging it. That’s my advice.

Well lately I feel like a fraud because she’s been very supportive with everything that’s going on and I feel like I’m using her just for my emotional comfort and physical needs not giving her the love that she’s craving from me. I literally said this to her on her face because I didn’t want any dishonesty, but she was like I’m just being silly.

Yes, constant criticism and shaming is actually emotional abuse. It’s actively inflicting a wound on you, telling you how bad and faulty you are. What your mother did was more like emotional neglect, I think, because she tolerated your father’s treatment of you and didn’t protect you from it. She wasn’t actively harming you, but she let your father harm you with his criticism.

Hmm I see I understand now

Maybe this is a silly question but I am not familiar with children’s obligations regarding financing their parents and grandparents. So you said earlier that you have a responsibility to give a certain amount to your parents monthly. Is it because  they are not that well off, or it’s a custom in India and adult children are obliged to do it regardless?

Well it is more like a custom in India. especially If you’re an older sibling Which I am

As for the fact that you have such a father – you’ll have to mourn that, I guess. I am sorry that my mother is like she is, and that we’ll never have a close, loving relationship. She is incapable of that. So I gave it up. My relationship with her is very superficial. It’s sad, but it can’t be more than that – if I want to respect myself and not allow her to hurt me.

Yes you’re right and I guess I’m just not able to easily accept this truth and still hoping that he might change, But we don’t know. So I guess that’s what hard for me

No, you needed their emotional support as a child. It was a crucial need back then and because it wasn’t met, it caused damages (which you are trying to rectify and heal now, as an adult). But you don’t need their emotional support now. Your well-being and emotional health doesn’t depend on it. You can get support elsewhere (in therapy, for example). You can also give yourself the support and validation that you needed from them as a child. In short, you can now become a good parent to yourself.

Yes I’m trying to be a good parent to myself, Trying to be kinder with myself day to day

So yes, try to have more compassion for yourself, appreciate everything you’ve achieved so far and tell yourself that you did a great job. Be Uncle Iroh to yourself, not the heartless drill sergeant…

Yes that’s what I’m trying I think being mindful is really helping me a lot, So most of the time when I get negative thoughts my mind tells me not be anxious and worried and appreciate things.

Yes, that’s one of your major tasks. So now try not to blame yourself for being “late” and “behind schedule”. You’re not late for anything,

That’s one of the hardest thing I have to work on I guess, Because I’m very afraid of getting older and missing out on things, and while meditation I did deep think about this matter like no matter what, we can’t do absolutely everything. So just learn JOMO. Joy of missing out. Being present in the moment instead of worrying about future and stuff, Don’t compare, Ever one of us have their own unique journey, But not easy at all my rational mind ask me lot of other questions that makes me feel behind

Hi Tee,
Do you know what caused it?

Well they said it’s for organizational restructure and for budget purposes. But mainly we all think they don’t want to pay to people for “building” or “managing” new services just because it’s working fine now so they think they can save thousands of dollars for few months… So basically, its like the full course meal is ready for them and they going to feed themselves on for few months.

Perhaps you can send some more applications, even for jobs that aren’t remote only – to increase your chances?

Well you know I already feel missing out on things and less freedom because I had to go to the office sometimes and wasn’t able to change the cities. Now I don’t want to stuck in the same loop and feel the same way. Like I already feel like I’m getting old, and I haven’t seen this beautiful world enough..