Heyya Tee,

I’d easily slip into depression. And I need to battle that.

And you’re fighting this battle  very well Tee, Keep it up 😀

Haha, cats don’t do anything if they’re not happy – they always put themselves first. So she must be happy

I was wondering, So I have a friend who have 3 cats and her cats are so well behaved and healthy because her mother was around and I guess she taught her kitten to how to get around? But this kitten is like only a month old and she have no idea what’s going on or how to do things. That’s why I have to take care of more than “Normal”

She is hoping she found or will find a loophole in your armor, I guess.

Hmm she better know how stubborn I am.

Okay, if you also talk about your own vulnerability, and perhaps your own fears, and she is understanding, that’s good. I guess you appreciate her being understanding and not judging you, right?

Yes I do appreciate that, and It’s not like we talking everyday but still…

I’ve just looked up how FWB is defined. And it doesn’t necessarily exclude emotional bond, but the most significant feature is lack of commitment. You said you have fear of commitment. It also makes you uncomfortable to say “I love you” (or to hear her say it), I guess because it carries a future expectation of a committed relationship. So I guess if there is fear of the future and fear of commitment, even though you’re enjoying things at the moment, I guess that would still be defined as FWB.

Hmm I see, Well I guess then it’s my first FWB? Lol 😂

And yeah there is fear of commitment there, I accept that, but you know that I don’t want to move forward than FWB with this girl, So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?

Not sure I understand your question. The article talks about how it’s easy to fall in love, when hormones are high and we might be seeing the person through rose-colored glasses. But once the honeymoon phase is over, we need to make an effort to understand the person, to work on ourselves and our own issues, to not project things on them etc. In that sense, love requires effort.

Ah that’s right and that’s why lot of young people are like that because most of the people don’t like to put real efforts for love. They quit after the honeymoon phase. I’m also did something similar, Whenever my relationship got complex, I just quit it. Though I did feel like I did put lot of efforts.

Okay, so try to reduce reading about those mega success stories, because it makes you feel bad about yourself. And it would make most people bad about themselves. It’s the worse when we compare ourselves to others, and that’s exactly what your father and grandfather were doing to you, and now you’re doing it to yourself.

Yes you’re right. I’m not using twitter anymore. I uninstalled it.

I wish you success!

Thanks a lot! 😀

You mean he tried to hit you and your mother only twice? But I thought he’d get angry with you often and scolded you for even the slightest mistake. You said he made you feel dumb whenever you made a mistake (the minute I make a mistake I’m dumb). He was also comparing you to other students, telling you you should be grateful for the material support he is providing and why can’t you learn better. He was also having perfectionist expectations on you. All this is emotional abuse, even though he wasn’t physically violent.

I mean, his criticism didn’t happen only twice, right? He wasn’t displeased with you only twice, but it was a common theme, it happened all the time. You grew up feeling not good enough, due to his constant criticism and shaming. That’s emotional abuse, SereneWolf, not emotional neglect.

Ah Okay I see now, so his constant criticism and perfectionist expectations are also count as an emotional abuse. I thought it’s emotional neglect because he didn’t care about my emotions or even noticed but I see your point now. I have to talk about this to my therapist as well!

Yeah, that’s passive aggression, I’d say. He doesn’t want to say what he needs directly, but is scolding you and your brother for not reading his mind and assuming what he needs. He is making you guilty for something that’s not your fault at all.

Yeah I know right!? I was this close to lose my mind. I mean what’s problem in just saying clearly?

Not willing to take responsibility for one’s actions and always blaming others is a mark of a toxic personality. It seems he is now less “in your face” about his expectations, but still does that indirectly, without saying it out loud, but still you can feel the sting.

I guess you’re right. How should I save myself from this? Even building boundaries isn’t working much. And I’m aware it’s his problem not mine but it does bother me.

Yes, they (your father and grandfather) made you feel guilty if you brought home anything less than straight As, right? They made themselves into martyrs, while you were the bad, ungrateful son/grandson for disappointing them and “torturing” them like that.

That was putting so much pressure on you. No wonder you felt like a burden – because they made you feel like one. And then you left home, because you didn’t want to be guilt-tripped by them any more, right? You rejected their “nurturance”. You told your father: “I don’t need your help to take care of myself. I know how to handle things.” So you were fed up with his guilt tripping and making you feel like a burden. You decided to be on your own. “Self-sufficient” at 16.

But do you see how this “self-sufficiency” is a defense mechanism? It was born out of being blamed all the time, feeling like a burden all the time, and wanting to break free from that. With moving out, you basically told your father “I don’t need anything from you”. But that’s not true – the child always needs support from their parents, both material and emotional. But this was a defense mechanism, because you didn’t want to endure that blame and guilt-tripping any more.

Yes you understood very well! But after all this you still think I need emotional support of my parents? Because I just started to feel validated without their validation.

So I started working much earlier without even getting my bachelor’s first then I was blaming myself that I didn’t focused on my studies like other people otherwise I’d be more educated now…

In order to support yourself, you had to work, and so no wonder that you couldn’t get your bachelor’s degree on time. But then you blamed yourself for not studying enough like other people. Well, now it’s time to stop blaming yourself and understand that leaving home was a self-protection mechanism, born out of despair and not wanting to be abused any more.  So instead of blaming yourself, try to find compassion for yourself – for the young boy of 16 who ventured out into the world to support himself, because his family was emotionally so cruel to him. So rejecting. So conditional love.

And congratulate yourself because you’ve managed to get your bachelor’s later on, in spite of working full time, which is always much harder. And now you’re even in the process of getting a master’s degree, if I remember well? So congratulate yourself for all your educational achievements, even if you got them a few years later than planned, due to objective circumstances.

Remember, you’re not lazy and “good for nothing”, but it’s that you needed to work in parallel with studying, which makes you actually a high achiever. Even though your father believes you are “less than”, tell yourself that you are a high achiever and very resilient. Because you made it in spite of the objective difficulties.

Wow that’s powerful! Thanks a lot Tee, Thanks for pointing out and made me more aware about this! And yes I think main reason for all this is that I’ve always been and still blaming myself for everything that happened. Being too much “Self-sufficient” like it’s all my responsibility, Like I could’ve done better, even though I was just doing things as per my circumstances. That’s why it’s been hard for me find compassion for myself. And yes I’m indeed a high achiever and very resilient. Thanks again for your positive reminder! I appreciate it 🤗

Oh yes, neuroplasticity is a great thing, because our neural circuits can literally change as we focus on positive things and start having a more positive mindset.

Yes it is!

Well, it seems like you’re still comparing yourself to others in terms of professional success, and are feeling “less than” and that you haven’t achieved enough etc. I hope what I said above might help you put things into perspective and have more empathy for yourself and your life path so far.

Yes you’re right and yeah what you said is really helpful! I did learned empathy but for others, I think I still have to learn having more empathy and compassion for myself.

Yes, try to focus less on other people’s achievements. Don’t compare yourself to others. We all have our individual stories and our unique challenges. We also all have different lessons to learn in life. You only need to focus on yourself and your own life.

100% Right!

Bonjour Tee,

How are you doing? How’s your weekend going?

 How are you getting along with her? Does she allow to be cuddled?

Well now she does. She just comes and sleeps on my lap or belly occasionally. She also let me pet her head when she’s in the mood otherwise my finger is like a chewing toy for her.

Yes, it’s good to have someone to share difficult moments with, not to be alone with our grief. But having a partner just so they can console us in hard times would be a bit unfair to them. I mean, the goal would be to have a full spectrum of emotional intimacy, in both good and bad times. That’s the point of a healthy relationship.

I mean yeah I know that that’s what relationship is about sharing intimacy. So I didn’t mean only for grief, Obviously something more than that

Hmmm… I thought she was smarter than that. Instead of learning to be on her own for a while, she offered you a friends-with-benefits arrangement. That’s hurtful, specially for women, because they usually get more attached than men. And in the case of you two, we know that she is much more attached to you than you to her. So I think she is putting herself in a situation which she will regret.

I feel she’s acting like one of my first LDR (Long-term) girl, She also acted like this because she doesn’t want to lose contact. I guess she still may have hope that she can change things. And another thing is that I still do enjoy talking to her and we talk about lot of things than just sex. Sex is just like a plus point. Also she’s aware that I have no experience for FWB yet or neither does she. So I won’t be purely doing that. Other intimate things will be included. Women are like clever fox lol

What you really think women get attached than men? But yeah for this case yes.

And we did talked about it very openly and I said if we still continue like this it would be harder to move on later on. She said she is aware of this but she said she would even like this regret. So I said it’s not wrong to create more memories together. But I did said I’m not sure so we still take things slowly… and I accept I do crave things from her that’s why I’m not able to directly say No to her.

Well, I personally don’t view sex in the same rank of physical needs as eating, drinking or getting enough sleep. It’s not a part of self-care. So I don’t think it will help you be more productive, if that’s what you meant. But you know yourself best – have you noticed that sex makes you more productive at work?

I mean you know you didn’t had sex for a very long time and then suddenly sex is in your routine? You know because of my past LDRs I wasn’t able do physical things. So it kinda makes me feel like desperate for sex? Yet I do still try to control myself but her libido is also high so it doesn’t help much. And I love morning sex it makes me feel energetic and it fills me up with good vibes and after having morning sex I don’t have any sexual or needy thoughts during the day you know…

You feel that anxiety in social situations or with work-related tasks?

Yes, mainly work and career related things. Maybe I should use LinkedIn less. It makes me feel behind and somewhat jealous and question my abilities. In LinkedIn there are informative stuff but also lot of “Success” posting so..

Also lot of company is laying off people, so I just started to apply for different positions while ago which is also the stressful situation because even after applying for lot of job there isn’t much positive feedback yet

I am happy if they did show emotional support in some situations. But your mother, if I understood well, was your father’s enabler. She enabled him to criticize you and verbally abuse you without intervening. She basically told you to endure it and to be “mature” about it. She failed to protect you. That’s a big omission. And it’s not something that happened once or twice, but consistently. The whole situation was so unbearable that you left home at the age of 16. Those are no small things…

Yeah that’s like we talked before, Even though your father was aware he wasn’t able to protect you, So is my mother. And another thing I guess I didn’t told you is that my mother was worried about physical fight and something would happen to me, because if I remember only two times my father lost control and tried to physically hurt me and also hurt my mother when she tried to save me and when I saw that I didn’t showed him respect like I don’t care who you are you can’t treat us like that it would made him even more angry he be like you can’t disrespect me like that don’t raise your voice in front of me. And I would just be like this is nonsense and go to my room and not talk him for a day or two. And yet all my family (Not my siblings) is like it’s just his anger he didn’t mean any harm. I’m like I’m the kid here or is he’s the kid that he can’t even control his anger? You can bow down to his anger but I won’t. Literally even my relatives says like oh just ignore that he just have some anger tendencies… A good son shouldn’t disrespect his father. But that time only my grandma told him like what are you even doing? That’s how you treat your kids? and he did accept that it was his fault and he’s sorry. Only to my grandma not in front of me. Otherwise, his “pride” would hurt. And after that my mother knew that If anything happens again I’d disrespect him again and it would make things worse between us.

Sorry for long rant

Okay, so you felt your father was kind and “loving” to you only if you performed well at school? You felt that when he praised you, he expected no less than top performance from you? You had to be No1, or else he wouldn’t be pleased? (I am just trying to understand what you said earlier that you felt that people are insincere when they praise you and that they want something in return. So perhaps this behavior doesn’t come from your mother, but from your father?)

Yes that’s right and the minute I make a mistake I’m dumb. He be like I did this and that and some people are not even able to provide daily necessities to their kids and yet they’re performing well then what do you need? They didn’t tell this to my face but I knew their thinking and I did like studying they never had to tell me like go and study like my siblings. They still believe I’m a “good performing” student even though my attention span and curiosity for studying is worse now

It’s good that you’re more open to compliments. Because if the inner critic is strong, it will disregard even the strongest evidence. That happens in the impostor syndrome. But if you silence the inner critic a bit and allow yourself to receive praise, without immediately dismissing it, that’s a good start.

I don’t remember what’s that term called but it’s like what you think is what you see? So I guess if I’m hearing good things about myself, I do feel good things about myself and after that I notice even more better things..

Allow yourself to receive that praise from your therapist and accept that you’re actually doing good and having results pretty quickly. So don’t dismiss it as false praise, but allow yourself to be satisfied with yourself.

Ah the feeling of satisfied with myself! Damn when will I get that? But yeah I started to take positive praise with some critical thinking so I’m not dismissing entirely. We’re imperfect beings after all, Always evolving like universe, and we’re part of this universe so..

Right. So the drill sergeant is still active, still pushing you to do more and faster. Try to notice it and then stop yourself, i.e. invite the good general (forgot his name, sorry) to come to your rescue and send the drill sergeant away.

Yeah that drill sergeant! I do think most of the time he’s not even there he just comes up when I’m feeling down about something and I do try to listen to Good general (Uncle Iroh)

Now I do have friendly inner voice and him. Like I said before I act like I’m my own friend and try to handle the situation if I’m telling myself bad things and Uncle Iroh kinda makes it even better.

Just yesterday I read on a post that says “Love is not just a feeling, It is a daily choice that we make.” What does that mean? Can you elaborate if you know?

Hello Tee,

I am on the lookout for other healing modalities, since the pain is fluctuating, it always comes back. So I need to find something that will give me a more lasting relief.

I see, I hope you find a good one. Take care of yourself 😊
How’s your weekend going?

I am sorry about that. It could be that the loss of your cat leads you to feeling more sensitive and down. And this can contribute to resorting to self-soothing tools, such as overeating. Because a lot of us use food to soothe ourselves, specially if the only nurturing we had in childhood was physical nurturing. If instead of being emotionally nurtured, we were given food whenever we were upset, that’s a perfect recipe for developing eating disorders later.

I mean you’re right but I think it’s also could be like I’m not someone who mostly misses someone? Not even people who are really close to me, But I do miss my cat maybe that’s why? Because it’s kind of a dysregulation? And I accept that she did gave me like a good emotional relief so now I’m like should I find a new gf and cuddle her? Just for that emotional relief you know…But I know it’s not a proper fix.

Also good news is that since my Neighbour (If you remember I play with her kid) rescued a cat and told me that I can have her as long as I want, It does making me feel little better but still making me miss her more.

And yup as you guessed I’m overeating and even (like the most time) to not overthink while eating I started watching anime or movie while having my meals.

Seems you mother was similar to mine: mostly interested in your physical nurturance (and physical well-being), but in terms of emotions, not really supportive.

Well she does asks me if I’m stressed about something or not, because they think one of the reason people are skinny is that they’re stressed. And also, she’s not much aware about modern mental health things (Americans have like hundreds of them and like each trait have a name)

Yes, that too is typical. I’ve just watched a video on binge eating, which explains that by the evening we have already been exposed to various stressors during the day, and our stress tolerance gets depleted. That’s why we have a greater need to soothe ourselves in the evening. Besides, that’s when most of the people come home from work and have the need to relax and unwind… and so eating too much becomes a part of that ritual.

Oh that’s right it does makes sense!

The title of the video is “How to stop binge eating“, by psychotherapist Kati Morton. She also explains what to do to help ourselves. One of her suggestions, in fact her first suggestion, is the same what you doctor friend told you: to eat at least 3-4 times a day, and to have snacks in between to prevent getting extremely hungry and then overeat.

She has other useful tips too, like not restraining yourself and dieting because that’s only going to produce a counter-effect. Also to observe our inner voice, because the inner critic can get very loud when we overeat, or don’t eat as healthy as we would like to. I know from my own experience that I used to berate myself for my ED, and it was strengthening my inner critic, making me feel very bad about myself. And then I’d need something to soothe myself, and ended up eating again.. so it was a vicious circle.

Hmm yeah that’s true back then I used to be very aware of my “Diet” and always thinking like this food is bad and that food is bad so in my early teens (When I just started using internet)

How is this food and blah blah because there would be some articles which would be saying that yeah this food is bad. So because of that I didn’t had like healthy fats and mostly pure vegetarian for a very long time, I’d be eating mostly green vegetables, No milk or even rice because I thought it makes people fat and because years of misconception my body just adapted it like that. So that’s what I’m trying to change.

She seems like a pretty self-observant person, willing to learn and grow. She was honest with you and explored the reasons why she felt like going back to her ex. And she realized that it’s maybe because she is scared of being alone. But now, she’s realized that this is exactly what she needs… So a learning moment for her! I like her

Haha okay so even for this I’m somewhat responsible, Because we did talk deep level things and she did asked me about the way I am and you know that she likes my “Calm” so I did tell her very clearly that it’s all self-awareness and mindfulness. So she got more interested about self-improvement and stuff so

Hmmm, yeah, I mean you gave her a different perspective. And maybe she does need to find herself a little more, to become less needy and less craving for attention, for being the center of her partner’s universe. Because she did say things like that, if I remember well. If that’s the case, she’d need to learn how to be more self-sufficient. Which is what you’re an expert in

Hmm I see, So a question, so as human beings do we always try to fulfil other people that we’re good at? If so, Why is this drive?

It’s good that you don’t tolerate his open criticism, so he isn’t even trying any more. I just wanted to ask you if there was a situation where he started criticizing you but you stopped him. But then I remembered that you mentioned that you did challenge him once on the phone and told him that if he cannot talk to you normally, better not talk at all, right? And then he hang up, but then called you back a few days later?

Yes that’s right

I guess that was his lesson, and he learned that he can’t be openly rude with you. And I can imagine your mother talked to him too and convinced him to speak nicely to you… So I guess he is suppressing his need to judge you, but it’s still there in him, and comes out indirectly, in the form of those veiled remarks and comparisons with other people.

I guess so yeah.. They visited me this weekend with both of my siblings. And so far this time he didn’t even compared this time.

But for that, you’d need to be judgment-proof. Almost like bullet-proof. You’d need to let those arrows slide from you, like from a shield. Which means that you’d need to have your “armor” on whenever you talk to your father, and not let anything in. What is also super important is to diminish the voice of your inner critic, because your inner critic is like a Trojan horse – he opens the door and lets the arrows hit you. I am using the military analogy again, but perhaps it helps?

Yes I understood it well, I’ll try it like that

It seems to me you’re disregarding the positive input from people,

I guess because I never had that in my childhood and only criticism so now it’s just hard to trust what people say

because you want to believe you’re not attractive enough. It’s like the impostor syndrome, when we believe that we cannot possibly be talented, that our success happened by chance and not by our merit. With this too – your inner critic is telling you you’re not good looking (or not muscular enough or whatever), and you rather believe him than the feedback you receive from people.

It means should I believe in positive feedback? If so how you’d determine what to let in or let out

Also just a side note, Are you working from home? I found this from a LinkedIn post, and it says whenever you’re working always play a Instrumental/LoFi music that you like… and I think it’s actually helping me focus more and somewhat in better mood and less anxious as well.

Hey Tee,

As for myself, I too am feeling a little better. Hopefully it won’t be temporary, like last time.

You do yoga right?

Yes, it’s important that you’re aware of it and working on it. Are you still doing the journaling (writing down your fears and resentments)?

I didn’t do it while I was at my hometown but now that I’m back to the city I’ll continue.. and I do feel better while journaling. Also letting things happen by itself and just trust the divine so I don’t feel overwhelmed by everything.

I see… so you’d want her to stick around to prove her love. Although you didn’t let her say “I love you” and were not showing that you care about her too much… so yes, it’s kind of a contradiction. If you want her to stick around, you’d need to show it too…

Yes I know that, But because she’s taking time and still sticking to past, That’s why I told her no. She reacted like I did this entirely by myself. But she didn’t argue much after that. She hugged me tight and kissed and still asked me to just friends? I said I’ll think and answer, And after I said No she said She won’t get back together with her ex either. I said it’s your decision, If you don’t need to be in rush, Don’t rush.

Okay, I understand this makes you upset, but I think the first thing you should do is become more immune to those indirect judgments. To know that you are good enough as you are. So those veiled comments will not bother you so much.

Yeah that good enough feeling isn’t that easy. Is it? haha

And then you can decide what you want to do – whether it makes sense to ask your father not to mention other people to you, or to let it go. If you are not so triggered, it will be easier to take it lightly, e.g. to change the topic, or say “Yeah, he/she is doing quite well” (you sort of agree with them).

You don’t need to start justifying yourself, you just acknowledge that this person is doing well, while knowing inside of yourself that you too are doing well and that you are good enough. If you are not judging yourself, their judgments will carry less weight too.

I mean I’m aware of that, and I don’t have like any kind of jealousy. But me and my siblings are worried that they (My Father and grandpa) aren’t like a children then they shouldn’t behave like this, They should be happy with what they have and have feeling of satisfaction. Instead of always complaining this is wrong and that is wrong. That’s just irritating for all of us.

Good! Are your siblings supportive of you? Do they get similar treatment from your father and grandfather?

Yes I’m really lucky that my siblings are really supportive. And yeah they do get similar treatment from my father and grandfather. My little brother somewhat doesn’t much bothered because I can sense his self-esteem, But yeah he’s annoyed as well, However for my sister she’s quite sensitive, Maybe even more sensitive than me. But she also accepted that there is not much chances of them changing

I just checked, BMI of 19 is not undernourished, but on the border. But you say you do a eat a lot and aren’t vomiting, which doesn’t really qualify as anorexia or bulimia. Does it mean you have periods of indulging in food and then starving yourself, not to gain weight? Because that too can be disordered eating – sort of swinging from one extreme to the other.

Hmm well swinging from one extreme to the other I’d say yes. Also I only have two big meals per day. Lunch and dinner. I skip breakfasts.

EDs are always related to nurturance, I think. In my family, food was the only “pleasure” that was not judged, so basically it was okay if I ate a lot, I wasn’t judged for that. But I was for just about everything else. So I guess that’s also one of the reasons food became my “drug” of choice.

Oh I see, That’s why you had anorexia

Yes, it seems you don’t feel good enough, in this case attractive enough physically. Which is just another manifestation of feeling not good enough in general. I guess that in reality, things are a little different, because you did say earlier that you get compliments for your looks, and you do get attention from pretty girls, right? So you not feeling attractive enough is something you are telling yourself – it’s a part of your inner critic. And you know how to treat that inner critic, don’t you?

Yes I do not listen much to that critic but I think I have to get more positive input or affirmation or something like that on that part?

<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Coucou Tee,</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but it’s not always easy.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know it’s not always easy. Are you feeling any better though?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But I think a part of your “coolness” is that you don’t actually allow yourself to get attached, because you’re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and that’s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Hmm right but I’m already working on it and I shouldn’t be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I know you’re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave? </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess the part the she isn’t sure about me, it’s just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if they’re scared they’d take actions??? </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>On the other hand I know it’s unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I don’t show her that type of connection or love… </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I see… they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes Exactly! </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>No I didn’t. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say you’re suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if you’d like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didn’t give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasn’t good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated – feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasn’t enough (and my mother thought that’s the only thing a child needs).</p>
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<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess I was in the same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of nurturance. But after I started living on my own I’m super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting. My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but I’m not sure.</p>
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<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But another thing is that even though I’m insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (I’m not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls I’ve been with was like what we say “Out of my league” if we seeing things from that way. Yet still I didn’t felt good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?</p>
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<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Oh I see… that’s frustrating when you’re trying everything, and it’s still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes. Luckily it’s getting much better. I found whole new way and I’m seeing good positive results </p>
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<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>You were close to her and now she is gone… I am so sorry.</p>
<p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It’s good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it all… Hold on, SereneWolf…</p>
<p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I’m not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better. </p>
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Why you’re feeling down? you’re not able to take care of yourself properly?

Dear Tee,

ahh, I think I am not a typical case and not responding well to treatment…

Oh I hope you feel better soon…

What kind of expectations do they have? To provide for them financially, or in general, about how you should live your life and what career path you should take? Do you feel that your mother treats you kindly, talks nicely to you, but underneath you feel she expects you to follow a certain path or be a certain way?

Providing financially is okay for me and I’m doing that. But it’s also general like my father now don’t tell me things to do in certain way but still kinda pinpoint what others are doing and it’s frustrate me a lot like why do you have to care what they’re doing? Can’t you be satisfied once with what we have? Same with my grandfather whenever I call him.

For my mother she’s just still overly protective (I know there’s some fault of mine as well for this) She literally tells me to lock the door before sleep. Like mom I know I’m not a child anymore.

Yeah, it’s a way to separate ourselves from our fears and our resentments – because by writing them down, it’s like we observe them, we don’t identify with them. So we’re less consumed by them. Which means – more regulated, more able to think clearly. And also, once we write it down, we gain clarity about what bothers us, and it helps us deal with the problem.

Right and you know I got another idea for this. Taking voice notes like as I said before when I was feeling frustrated after talking on call with my father, I take voice notes to let out that frustration, but my anger is I think nearly at tipping point so maybe I will confront things to him.

Introspection, courage, curiosity, fast learning, openness to new ideas… to mention just a few   But in fact, you are worthy just by being born. For some people, their talents are hidden because they have been abused, and so they may have become addicts etc. However, they are still worthy, they only need to connect to their core, their true self…

It’s like diamonds covered in dirt – they aren’t always visible, but they are there. Your talents are visible, but I am just saying, even if they weren’t, you would still be worthy…

Thanks! And yeah, I agree also since you mention addiction, I think it’s also something which is wasting lot of my time. I’ve read more about CPTSD, and it’s also mentioned that anorexia and Technology addiction could be the part of it and it’s relatable for me. For me even though when not working it’s not easy for me just not waste time on screen for no reason at all.

I am sorry you’re not getting the desired results. Is there someone you can consult about it?

No I can’t. because I’m supposed to be “Expert” in this. I talked to the people working on the same kind of projects and they are all telling me the same things that I’m already doing. Which is making me even more anxious… But I’m trying to ground myself by not getting attached to the results.

Hi Tee,

 

well, she wanted to tell you she loves you, and probably expected to hear the same from you… Because you’ve been dating for a while, visiting each other, watching the stars together… I don’t think it’s extreme, but for you, it’s too much. Because for you, telling someone you love them comes with a lot of load, with fear of vulnerability, and perhaps fear of their expectations… Perhaps for you it’s like something that would start an avalanche of scary things, and you don’t want it, right?

Well in-person we met like total 5 times only. And yeah so for me telling someone I love them comes with lot of responsibilities (Which I’m always trying to run away from) Because then there are just lot of rules as a lover you know. And after admitting I prefer to follow those rules no matter what.

Hm…. yeah, or it’s fear of getting hurt? I think in people with avoidant attachment, it’s rather the latter…

Hmm I guess so, But right now I don’t feel hurt (much)

Well, that eagerness might have lasted for a month or two, and then you’d likely get cold feet… I mean, now you were more patient and self-aware than with your previous date, which lasted for only a short while. And you could better control your impulse to run away, which is great! So I think you are actually doing better now than a few months ago, but it’s still probably not enough for her, since you’re not very “eager”.

Yeah finding the “right” woman ain’t that easy. But yeah thanks I do feel like I did good progress regarding this matter

Actually she kind of did – remember when she got angry when you didn’t contact her while you were at your parents’ place for a week? Also now, she was surprised that you weren’t more upset when she told you about her ex. And even the fact that she chose to meet her ex and is considering getting back with him is to me a proof that she isn’t getting what she wants in the relationship with you.

I am not judging you or anything, I am just saying that these are all signs that she probably didn’t like your coolness towards her, although she might have appreciated it otherwise, in other situations.

Hmm I see so I guess in some situations I might have didn’t showed my coolness

Not necessarily. She might appreciate someone calm and composed, i.e. stable and not overly emotional in everyday situations, someone who will not explode easily at people or make rash decisions. So maybe someone a little different than her. Someone to ground her. However, it doesn’t mean that she likes when you are being cool and not eager towards her. Because those are two different things – how you behave with others and how you behave with her.

Yeah so about this, I’m still learning how to express myself and not always hide if I’m showing that I’m not calm with that thing yet even though I am, That would be lying, Don’t you think so? And Yeah I accept it’s just my non-attachment towards her talking

So yeah I talked to her If my coolness is bothering or there’s something else? She can share anything without hesitating.

She told me that “When I started talking to you I thought you’d be obsessed with me, Because that’s how it went for me in the past, and Because I already love you, Things would go much faster between us, and yet I enjoyed every moment we shared together I was waiting that you’d break your “rules” just for me (Because I already talked to her about my fear in relationship) and take steps further, So I tried to do it but you still stopped me and I agree with you, You wanted things to go slow but it did hurt me because no one ever said me No like that. But the thing is that I couldn’t make you feel very attached me and it frustrates me a lot. “

I was speechless after hearing this! I couldn’t even say anything for a minute. I was thinking like what should I even say to this.

But I said “I’m sorry you feel that way but I’m still working on myself, healing myself if I take things faster I worry that I might hurt your feelings and my first priority is that not giving you discomfort or hurt you just because of me.”

She went on trip with her sister so when she’ll be back she’ll think about this matter.