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  • #418188
    Tee
    Participant

    P.S. Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but it’s not always easy.

    #418373
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Coucou Tee,</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but it’s not always easy.</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know it’s not always easy. Are you feeling any better now though?</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But I think a part of your “coolness” is that you don’t actually allow yourself to get attached, because you’re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and that’s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Hmm right but I’m already working on it and I shouldn’t be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I know you’re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave? </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess the part she isn’t sure about me, it’s just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if they’re scared, they’d take actions??? </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>On the other hand, I know it’s unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I don’t show her that type of connection or love… </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I see… they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes Exactly! </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>No I didn’t. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say you’re suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if you’d like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didn’t give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasn’t good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated – feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasn’t enough (and my mother thought that’s the only thing a child needs).</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I was in the kinda same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of physical nurturance, but not emotional, But after I started living on my own I’m super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting because My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but I’m not sure.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But another thing is that even though I’m insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (I’m not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls I’ve been with was like what we can say “Out of my league” if we are seeing things from that way. Yet still I didn’t feel good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Oh I see… that’s frustrating when you’re trying everything, and it’s still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes. Luckily it’s getting much better. I found whole new way and I’m seeing good positive results. </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>You were close to her and now she is gone… I am so sorry.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It’s good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it all… Hold on, SereneWolf…</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I’m not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better. </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    #418374
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Coucou Tee,</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but it’s not always easy.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know it’s not always easy. Are you feeling any better though?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But I think a part of your “coolness” is that you don’t actually allow yourself to get attached, because you’re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and that’s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Hmm right but I’m already working on it and I shouldn’t be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I know you’re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave? </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess the part the she isn’t sure about me, it’s just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if they’re scared they’d take actions??? </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>On the other hand I know it’s unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I don’t show her that type of connection or love… </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I see… they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes Exactly! </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>No I didn’t. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say you’re suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if you’d like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didn’t give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasn’t good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated – feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasn’t enough (and my mother thought that’s the only thing a child needs).</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess I was in the same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of nurturance. But after I started living on my own I’m super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting. My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but I’m not sure.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But another thing is that even though I’m insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (I’m not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls I’ve been with was like what we say “Out of my league” if we seeing things from that way. Yet still I didn’t felt good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Oh I see… that’s frustrating when you’re trying everything, and it’s still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yes. Luckily it’s getting much better. I found whole new way and I’m seeing good positive results </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>You were close to her and now she is gone… I am so sorry.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It’s good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it all… Hold on, SereneWolf…</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I’m not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better. </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”></p>

    #418375
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Coucou Tee,

     

    Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but it’s not always easy.

    I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know it’s not always easy. Are you feeling any better though?

    But I think a part of your “coolness” is that you don’t actually allow yourself to get attached, because you’re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and that’s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.

    Hmm right but I’m already working on it and I shouldn’t be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?

     

    I know you’re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave?

    I guess the part the she isn’t sure about me, it’s just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if they’re scared they’d take actions???

    On the other hand I know it’s unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I don’t show her that type of connection or love…

     

    I see… they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?

    Yes Exactly!

    Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?

    No I didn’t. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings

     

    Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say you’re suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if you’d like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didn’t give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasn’t good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated – feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasn’t enough (and my mother thought that’s the only thing a child needs).

     

    I guess I was in the same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of nurturance. But after I started living on my own I’m super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting. My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but I’m not sure.

     

    But another thing is that even though I’m insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (I’m not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls I’ve been with was like what we say “Out of my league” if we seeing things from that way. Yet still I didn’t felt good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?

     

    Oh I see… that’s frustrating when you’re trying everything, and it’s still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?

    Yes. Luckily it’s getting much better. I found whole new way and I’m seeing good positive results

     

    You were close to her and now she is gone… I am so sorry.

    It’s good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it all… Hold on, SereneWolf…

    I’m not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better.

    #418479
    Tee
    Participant

    Hey SereneWolf,

    I am glad you’re feeling better after visiting your family and talking to your siblings. In situations like that, it’s good to feel supported and consoled by those close to us.

    As for myself, I too am feeling a little better. Hopefully it won’t be temporary, like last time.

    Hmm right but I’m already working on it and I shouldn’t be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?

    Yes, it’s important that you’re aware of it and working on it. Are you still doing the journaling (writing down your fears and resentments)?

    I guess the part the she isn’t sure about me, it’s just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if they’re scared they’d take actions???

    On the other hand I know it’s unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I don’t show her that type of connection or love…

    I see… so you’d want her to stick around to prove her love. Although you didn’t let her say “I love you” and were not showing that you care about her too much… so yes, it’s kind of a contradiction. If you want her to stick around, you’d need to show it too…

    [they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?] – Yes Exactly!

    Okay, I understand this makes you upset, but I think the first thing you should do is become more immune to those indirect judgments. To know that you are good enough as you are. So those veiled comments will not bother you so much.

    And then you can decide what you want to do – whether it makes sense to ask your father not to mention other people to you, or to let it go. If you are not so triggered, it will be easier to take it lightly, e.g. to change the topic, or say “Yeah, he/she is doing quite well” (you sort of agree with them).

    You don’t need to start justifying yourself, you just acknowledge that this person is doing well, while knowing inside of yourself that you too are doing well and that you are good enough. If you are not judging yourself, their judgments will carry less weight too.

    No I didn’t. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings

    Good! Are your siblings supportive of you? Do they get similar treatment from your father and grandfather?

    I guess I was in the same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of nurturance. But after I started living on my own I’m super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting. My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but I’m not sure.

    I just checked, BMI of 19 is not undernourished, but on the border. But you say you do a eat a lot and aren’t vomiting, which doesn’t really qualify as anorexia or bulimia. Does it mean you have periods of indulging in food and then starving yourself, not to gain weight? Because that too can be disordered eating – sort of swinging from one extreme to the other.

    EDs are always related to nurturance, I think. In my family, food was the only “pleasure” that was not judged, so basically it was okay if I ate a lot, I wasn’t judged for that. But I was for just about everything else. So I guess that’s also one of the reasons food became my “drug” of choice.

    But another thing is that even though I’m insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (I’m not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls I’ve been with was like what we say “Out of my league” if we seeing things from that way. Yet still I didn’t felt good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?

    Yes, it seems you don’t feel good enough, in this case attractive enough physically. Which is just another manifestation of feeling not good enough in general. I guess that in reality, things are a little different, because you did say earlier that you get compliments for your looks, and you do get attention from pretty girls, right? So you not feeling attractive enough is something you are telling yourself – it’s a part of your inner critic. And you know how to treat that inner critic, don’t you? 🙂

    Yes. Luckily it’s getting much better. I found whole new way and I’m seeing good positive results

    Oh great! I am happy to hear that!

     

    #418530
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    As for myself, I too am feeling a little better. Hopefully it won’t be temporary, like last time.

    You do yoga right?

     

    Yes, it’s important that you’re aware of it and working on it. Are you still doing the journaling (writing down your fears and resentments)?

    I didn’t do it while I was at my hometown but now that I’m back to the city I’ll continue.. and I do feel better while journaling. Also letting things happen by itself and just trust the divine so I don’t feel overwhelmed by everything.

     

    I see… so you’d want her to stick around to prove her love. Although you didn’t let her say “I love you” and were not showing that you care about her too much… so yes, it’s kind of a contradiction. If you want her to stick around, you’d need to show it too…

    Yes I know that, But because she’s taking time and still sticking to past, That’s why I told her no. She reacted like I did this entirely by myself. But she didn’t argue much after that. She hugged me tight and kissed and still asked me to just friends? I said I’ll think and answer, And after I said No she said She won’t get back together with her ex either. I said it’s your decision, If you don’t need to be in rush, Don’t rush.

    Okay, I understand this makes you upset, but I think the first thing you should do is become more immune to those indirect judgments. To know that you are good enough as you are. So those veiled comments will not bother you so much.

    Yeah that good enough feeling isn’t that easy. Is it? haha

    And then you can decide what you want to do – whether it makes sense to ask your father not to mention other people to you, or to let it go. If you are not so triggered, it will be easier to take it lightly, e.g. to change the topic, or say “Yeah, he/she is doing quite well” (you sort of agree with them).

    You don’t need to start justifying yourself, you just acknowledge that this person is doing well, while knowing inside of yourself that you too are doing well and that you are good enough. If you are not judging yourself, their judgments will carry less weight too.

    I mean I’m aware of that, and I don’t have like any kind of jealousy. But me and my siblings are worried that they (My Father and grandpa) aren’t like a children then they shouldn’t behave like this, They should be happy with what they have and have feeling of satisfaction. Instead of always complaining this is wrong and that is wrong. That’s just irritating for all of us.

    Good! Are your siblings supportive of you? Do they get similar treatment from your father and grandfather?

    Yes I’m really lucky that my siblings are really supportive. And yeah they do get similar treatment from my father and grandfather. My little brother somewhat doesn’t much bothered because I can sense his self-esteem, But yeah he’s annoyed as well, However for my sister she’s quite sensitive, Maybe even more sensitive than me. But she also accepted that there is not much chances of them changing

     

     

    I just checked, BMI of 19 is not undernourished, but on the border. But you say you do a eat a lot and aren’t vomiting, which doesn’t really qualify as anorexia or bulimia. Does it mean you have periods of indulging in food and then starving yourself, not to gain weight? Because that too can be disordered eating – sort of swinging from one extreme to the other.

    Hmm well swinging from one extreme to the other I’d say yes. Also I only have two big meals per day. Lunch and dinner. I skip breakfasts.

    EDs are always related to nurturance, I think. In my family, food was the only “pleasure” that was not judged, so basically it was okay if I ate a lot, I wasn’t judged for that. But I was for just about everything else. So I guess that’s also one of the reasons food became my “drug” of choice.

    Oh I see, That’s why you had anorexia

    Yes, it seems you don’t feel good enough, in this case attractive enough physically. Which is just another manifestation of feeling not good enough in general. I guess that in reality, things are a little different, because you did say earlier that you get compliments for your looks, and you do get attention from pretty girls, right? So you not feeling attractive enough is something you are telling yourself – it’s a part of your inner critic. And you know how to treat that inner critic, don’t you?

    Yes I do not listen much to that critic but I think I have to get more positive input or affirmation or something like that on that part?

    #418551
    Tee
    Participant

    Hey SereneWolf,

    You do yoga right?

    no, I can’t do yoga, it can actually add to the problem, in my case. But I do other types of exercises.

    I didn’t do it while I was at my hometown but now that I’m back to the city I’ll continue.. and I do feel better while journaling. Also letting things happen by itself and just trust the divine so I don’t feel overwhelmed by everything.

    Great, keep it up!

    Yes I know that, But because she’s taking time and still sticking to past, That’s why I told her no. She reacted like I did this entirely by myself.

    Oh she said it’s only your fault? Well, that’s not true really, because talking about reconciliation with her ex is a pretty big problem and it would be for any relationship…

    But she didn’t argue much after that. She hugged me tight and kissed and still asked me to just friends? I said I’ll think and answer, And after I said No she said She won’t get back together with her ex either. I said it’s your decision, If you don’t need to be in rush, Don’t rush.

    So she isn’t going back to her ex? She wanted to return to you but you said No – is that how it happened?

    Yeah that good enough feeling isn’t that easy. Is it? haha

    Yep, it’s rather notorious… and it affects every part of your life. So yeah, more inner child work, self-love and all that.. 🙂

    I mean I’m aware of that, and I don’t have like any kind of jealousy. But me and my siblings are worried that they (My Father and grandpa) aren’t like a children then they shouldn’t behave like this, They should be happy with what they have and have feeling of satisfaction. Instead of always complaining this is wrong and that is wrong. That’s just irritating for all of us.

    Yes, it is irritating. But you can’t really change them, so you need to learn to live with it, but not allow abuse, of course. You can tolerate it once in a while when you come to visit, but don’t allow to stick to you. Try to be like teflon – things just slide from it and don’t stick 🙂

    Yes I’m really lucky that my siblings are really supportive. And yeah they do get similar treatment from my father and grandfather. My little brother somewhat doesn’t much bothered because I can sense his self-esteem,

    You see? You too realize that self-esteem is key for not being too bothered with such comments. So you can do it too, work on loving and valuing yourself even more…

    But yeah he’s annoyed as well, However for my sister she’s quite sensitive, Maybe even more sensitive than me. But she also accepted that there is not much chances of them changing

    I hope all three of you will learn how to be less sensitive and more self-confident. Good that your sister too realizes that your father and grandfather won’t change much. That means you shouldn’t even try. However, you can set boundaries and not allow verbal or emotional abuse. In fact, it’s kind of a two-pronged action: you work on yourself to become less triggered, but you also set boundaries so they can’t just mistreat you without consequences.

    Hmm well swinging from one extreme to the other I’d say yes.

    Okay, so that would be binge eating then. Do you have days when you eat way too much and sort of cannot control yourself?

    Also I only have two big meals per day. Lunch and dinner. I skip breakfasts.

    Yeah, I am also not a breakfast person because I eat relatively late in the evening (I know, not a good strategy). So I am not hungry in the morning. But just the fact that you only have two proper meals isn’t in itself disordered eating. It’s maybe that you overeat in the evening, and you feel guilty about it? So then you starve yourself the next day, but then eat too much in the evening again? I was like that for a while, that’s why I am asking.

    Yes I do not listen much to that critic but I think I have to get more positive input or affirmation or something like that on that part?

    Do you mean you’d like to get praise/affirmation from people that you look good? But you said sometimes in the beginning of your posting on tinybuddha that you do get compliments for your looks, which you sort of shrug off. If I understood well?

     

    #418802
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    no, I can’t do yoga, it can actually add to the problem, in my case. But I do other types of exercises.

    Hmm I see. Have you a found new doctor?

    Great, keep it up!

    But lately I feel like not doing anything, hopeless and I’m missing my cat too!

    Oh she said it’s only your fault? Well, that’s not true really, because talking about reconciliation with her ex is a pretty big problem and it would be for any relationship…

    I know right?

    So she isn’t going back to her ex? She wanted to return to you but you said No – is that how it happened?

    Yes. After getting back from the trip she said she thought about it a lot and she don’t think getting back together with her ex is a good idea. She did open up with me and told me maybe that idea of being alone is just scary for her and she’s just not used to it. And we talked about how I handled to live all by myself for years…

    After that she was like yeah I can try for sometime without being in a relationship.

    So did I just spread my disease into her? 😂

     

    Yep, it’s rather notorious… and it affects every part of your life. So yeah, more inner child work, self-love and all that..

    For sure!

    Yes, it is irritating. But you can’t really change them, so you need to learn to live with it, but not allow abuse, of course. You can tolerate it once in a while when you come to visit, but don’t allow to stick to you. Try to be like teflon – things just slide from it and don’t stick

    Haha that’s a good example. I’ll try that more since they already see me as a laid back guy it lol

     

    You see? You too realize that self-esteem is key for not being too bothered with such comments. So you can do it too, work on loving and valuing yourself even more…

    Yes that’s right!

     

    I hope all three of you will learn how to be less sensitive and more self-confident. Good that your sister too realizes that your father and grandfather won’t change much. That means you shouldn’t even try. However, you can set boundaries and not allow verbal or emotional abuse. In fact, it’s kind of a two-pronged action: you work on yourself to become less triggered, but you also set boundaries so they can’t just mistreat you without consequences.

    You’re right how can I make myself become less triggered? I mean there is boundaries there somewhat. My father doesn’t disrespect me anymore otherwise he knows I’m not going to just listen to him silently.

    Okay, so that would be binge eating then. Do you have days when you eat way too much and sort of cannot control yourself?

    Hmm yeah but not too often. But just today I did that. Maybe the times when I feel like not doing anything else I’d just eat.

     

    Yeah, I am also not a breakfast person because I eat relatively late in the evening (I know, not a good strategy). So I am not hungry in the morning. But just the fact that you only have two proper meals isn’t in itself disordered eating. It’s maybe that you overeat in the evening, and you feel guilty about it? So then you starve yourself the next day, but then eat too much in the evening again? I was like that for a while, that’s why I am asking.

    My mum wouldn’t allow me to eat that much late lol because her first question on the phone is always, did you ate? And yeah usually I do eat a lot in the evenings. During the day it’s okay but at evening I always eat a lot.

    I did talked to my doctor friend and she suggested me to have small but 4-5 meals per day for healthy weight gain but I think that’s hard to manage for me

     

    Do you mean you’d like to get praise/affirmation from people that you look good? But you said sometimes in the beginning of your posting on tinybuddha that you do get compliments for your looks, which you sort of shrug off. If I understood well?

    Yes you remembered it well, I’m confused about it, because I don’t like when I need external validation, but external validation does kind of helps to believe in things…faster? I don’t know.

    #418851
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi SereneWolf,

    Hmm I see. Have you a found new doctor?

    I am on the lookout for other healing modalities, since the pain is fluctuating, it always comes back. So I need to find something that will give me a more lasting relief.

    But lately I feel like not doing anything, hopeless and I’m missing my cat too!

    I am sorry about that. It could be that the loss of your cat leads you to feeling more sensitive and down. And this can contribute to resorting to self-soothing tools, such as overeating. Because a lot of us use food to soothe ourselves, specially if the only nurturing we had in childhood was physical nurturing. If instead of being emotionally nurtured, we were given food whenever we were upset, that’s a perfect recipe for developing eating disorders later.

    My mum wouldn’t allow me to eat that much late lol because her first question on the phone is always, did you ate?

    Seems you mother was similar to mine: mostly interested in your physical nurturance (and physical well-being), but in terms of emotions, not really supportive.

    And yeah usually I do eat a lot in the evenings. During the day it’s okay but at evening I always eat a lot.

    Yes, that too is typical. I’ve just watched a video on binge eating, which explains that by the evening we have already been exposed to various stressors during the day, and our stress tolerance gets depleted. That’s why we have a greater need to soothe ourselves in the evening. Besides, that’s when most of the people come home from work and have the need to relax and unwind… and so eating too much becomes a part of that ritual.

    The title of the video is “How to stop binge eating“, by psychotherapist Kati Morton. She also explains what to do to help ourselves. One of her suggestions, in fact her first suggestion, is the same what you doctor friend told you: to eat at least 3-4 times a day, and to have snacks in between to prevent getting extremely hungry and then overeat.

    She has other useful tips too, like not restraining yourself and dieting because that’s only going to produce a counter-effect. Also to observe our inner voice, because the inner critic can get very loud when we overeat, or don’t eat as healthy as we would like to. I know from my own experience that I used to berate myself for my ED, and it was strengthening my inner critic, making me feel very bad about myself. And then I’d need something to soothe myself, and ended up eating again.. so it was a vicious circle.

    Yes. After getting back from the trip she said she thought about it a lot and she don’t think getting back together with her ex is a good idea. She did open up with me and told me maybe that idea of being alone is just scary for her and she’s just not used to it. And we talked about how I handled to live all by myself for years…

    After that she was like yeah I can try for sometime without being in a relationship.

    She seems like a pretty self-observant person, willing to learn and grow. She was honest with you and explored the reasons why she felt like going back to her ex. And she realized that it’s maybe because she is scared of being alone. But now, she’s realized that this is exactly what she needs… So a learning moment for her! I like her 🙂

    So did I just spread my disease into her?

    Hmmm, yeah, I mean you gave her a different perspective. And maybe she does need to find herself a little more, to become less needy and less craving for attention, for being the center of her partner’s universe. Because she did say things like that, if I remember well. If that’s the case, she’d need to learn how to be more self-sufficient. Which is what you’re an expert in 🙂

    You’re right how can I make myself become less triggered? I mean there is boundaries there somewhat. My father doesn’t disrespect me anymore otherwise he knows I’m not going to just listen to him silently.

    It’s good that you don’t tolerate his open criticism, so he isn’t even trying any more. I just wanted to ask you if there was a situation where he started criticizing you but you stopped him. But then I remembered that you mentioned that you did challenge him once on the phone and told him that if he cannot talk to you normally, better not talk at all, right? And then he hang up, but then called you back a few days later?

    I guess that was his lesson, and he learned that he can’t be openly rude with you. And I can imagine your mother talked to him too and convinced him to speak nicely to you… So I guess he is suppressing his need to judge you, but it’s still there in him, and comes out indirectly, in the form of those veiled remarks and comparisons with other people.

    Well, I guess you can’t really change that because as you said, he’s not going to work on himself and suddenly become transformed. So I guess if you want to keep contact with him, you’d need to be like teflon in those occasions and not let it stick.

    But for that, you’d need to be judgment-proof. Almost like bullet-proof. You’d need to let those arrows slide from you, like from a shield. Which means that you’d need to have your “armor” on whenever you talk to your father, and not let anything in. What is also super important is to diminish the voice of your inner critic, because your inner critic is like a Trojan horse – he opens the door and lets the arrows hit you. I am using the military analogy again, but perhaps it helps?

    Yes you remembered it well, I’m confused about it, because I don’t like when I need external validation, but external validation does kind of helps to believe in things…faster? I don’t know.

    It seems to me you’re disregarding the positive input from people, because you want to believe you’re not attractive enough. It’s like the impostor syndrome, when we believe that we cannot possibly be talented, that our success happened by chance and not by our merit. With this too – your inner critic is telling you you’re not good looking (or not muscular enough or whatever), and you rather believe him than the feedback you receive from people.

     

    #419034
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hello Tee,

    I am on the lookout for other healing modalities, since the pain is fluctuating, it always comes back. So I need to find something that will give me a more lasting relief.

    I see, I hope you find a good one. Take care of yourself 😊
    How’s your weekend going?

    I am sorry about that. It could be that the loss of your cat leads you to feeling more sensitive and down. And this can contribute to resorting to self-soothing tools, such as overeating. Because a lot of us use food to soothe ourselves, specially if the only nurturing we had in childhood was physical nurturing. If instead of being emotionally nurtured, we were given food whenever we were upset, that’s a perfect recipe for developing eating disorders later.

    I mean you’re right but I think it’s also could be like I’m not someone who mostly misses someone? Not even people who are really close to me, But I do miss my cat maybe that’s why? Because it’s kind of a dysregulation? And I accept that she did gave me like a good emotional relief so now I’m like should I find a new gf and cuddle her? Just for that emotional relief you know…But I know it’s not a proper fix.

    Also good news is that since my Neighbour (If you remember I play with her kid) rescued a cat and told me that I can have her as long as I want, It does making me feel little better but still making me miss her more.

    And yup as you guessed I’m overeating and even (like the most time) to not overthink while eating I started watching anime or movie while having my meals.

    Seems you mother was similar to mine: mostly interested in your physical nurturance (and physical well-being), but in terms of emotions, not really supportive.

    Well she does asks me if I’m stressed about something or not, because they think one of the reason people are skinny is that they’re stressed. And also, she’s not much aware about modern mental health things (Americans have like hundreds of them and like each trait have a name)

    Yes, that too is typical. I’ve just watched a video on binge eating, which explains that by the evening we have already been exposed to various stressors during the day, and our stress tolerance gets depleted. That’s why we have a greater need to soothe ourselves in the evening. Besides, that’s when most of the people come home from work and have the need to relax and unwind… and so eating too much becomes a part of that ritual.

    Oh that’s right it does makes sense!

    The title of the video is “How to stop binge eating“, by psychotherapist Kati Morton. She also explains what to do to help ourselves. One of her suggestions, in fact her first suggestion, is the same what you doctor friend told you: to eat at least 3-4 times a day, and to have snacks in between to prevent getting extremely hungry and then overeat.

    She has other useful tips too, like not restraining yourself and dieting because that’s only going to produce a counter-effect. Also to observe our inner voice, because the inner critic can get very loud when we overeat, or don’t eat as healthy as we would like to. I know from my own experience that I used to berate myself for my ED, and it was strengthening my inner critic, making me feel very bad about myself. And then I’d need something to soothe myself, and ended up eating again.. so it was a vicious circle.

    Hmm yeah that’s true back then I used to be very aware of my “Diet” and always thinking like this food is bad and that food is bad so in my early teens (When I just started using internet)

    How is this food and blah blah because there would be some articles which would be saying that yeah this food is bad. So because of that I didn’t had like healthy fats and mostly pure vegetarian for a very long time, I’d be eating mostly green vegetables, No milk or even rice because I thought it makes people fat and because years of misconception my body just adapted it like that. So that’s what I’m trying to change.

    She seems like a pretty self-observant person, willing to learn and grow. She was honest with you and explored the reasons why she felt like going back to her ex. And she realized that it’s maybe because she is scared of being alone. But now, she’s realized that this is exactly what she needs… So a learning moment for her! I like her

    Haha okay so even for this I’m somewhat responsible, Because we did talk deep level things and she did asked me about the way I am and you know that she likes my “Calm” so I did tell her very clearly that it’s all self-awareness and mindfulness. So she got more interested about self-improvement and stuff so

    Hmmm, yeah, I mean you gave her a different perspective. And maybe she does need to find herself a little more, to become less needy and less craving for attention, for being the center of her partner’s universe. Because she did say things like that, if I remember well. If that’s the case, she’d need to learn how to be more self-sufficient. Which is what you’re an expert in

    Hmm I see, So a question, so as human beings do we always try to fulfil other people that we’re good at? If so, Why is this drive?

    It’s good that you don’t tolerate his open criticism, so he isn’t even trying any more. I just wanted to ask you if there was a situation where he started criticizing you but you stopped him. But then I remembered that you mentioned that you did challenge him once on the phone and told him that if he cannot talk to you normally, better not talk at all, right? And then he hang up, but then called you back a few days later?

    Yes that’s right

    I guess that was his lesson, and he learned that he can’t be openly rude with you. And I can imagine your mother talked to him too and convinced him to speak nicely to you… So I guess he is suppressing his need to judge you, but it’s still there in him, and comes out indirectly, in the form of those veiled remarks and comparisons with other people.

    I guess so yeah.. They visited me this weekend with both of my siblings. And so far this time he didn’t even compared this time.

    But for that, you’d need to be judgment-proof. Almost like bullet-proof. You’d need to let those arrows slide from you, like from a shield. Which means that you’d need to have your “armor” on whenever you talk to your father, and not let anything in. What is also super important is to diminish the voice of your inner critic, because your inner critic is like a Trojan horse – he opens the door and lets the arrows hit you. I am using the military analogy again, but perhaps it helps?

    Yes I understood it well, I’ll try it like that

     

    It seems to me you’re disregarding the positive input from people,

    I guess because I never had that in my childhood and only criticism so now it’s just hard to trust what people say

    because you want to believe you’re not attractive enough. It’s like the impostor syndrome, when we believe that we cannot possibly be talented, that our success happened by chance and not by our merit. With this too – your inner critic is telling you you’re not good looking (or not muscular enough or whatever), and you rather believe him than the feedback you receive from people.

    It means should I believe in positive feedback? If so how you’d determine what to let in or let out

    Also just a side note, Are you working from home? I found this from a LinkedIn post, and it says whenever you’re working always play a Instrumental/LoFi music that you like… and I think it’s actually helping me focus more and somewhat in better mood and less anxious as well.

     

     

    #419107
    Tee
    Participant

    Hey SereneWolf,

    I mean you’re right but I think it’s also could be like I’m not someone who mostly misses someone? Not even people who are really close to me, But I do miss my cat maybe that’s why? Because it’s kind of a dysregulation?

    Yeah sure, that’s what I meant: you were/are feeling down because you are missing your cat. And that’s what makes you more susceptible to overeating (which is a form of misguided self-soothing and self-regulation). We feel comforted when we eat, and you needed comfort, so it’s kind of logical…

    And I accept that she did gave me like a good emotional relief so now I’m like should I find a new gf and cuddle her? Just for that emotional relief you know…But I know it’s not a proper fix.

    Haha… no. If caring about your cat and petting her gave you emotional relief, you should find a new cat, not a new girlfriend 🙂

    Also good news is that since my Neighbour (If you remember I play with her kid) rescued a cat and told me that I can have her as long as I want, It does making me feel little better but still making me miss her more.

    That’s nice of your neighbor, but perhaps you need a little more time before adopting another cat?

    And yup as you guessed I’m overeating and even (like the most time) to not overthink while eating I started watching anime or movie while having my meals.

    Usually when we watch TV while eating, we end up eating more, because we don’t really pay attention to food and our sense of being satiated. Is this your experience too? Btw, are you binge eating on healthy food or comfort food, if I may ask?

    Well she does asks me if I’m stressed about something or not, because they think one of the reason people are skinny is that they’re stressed. And also, she’s not much aware about modern mental health things (Americans have like hundreds of them and like each trait have a name)

    Right… well, it’s still primarily your physical looks/well-being that she is interested in. Because she notices that you’re skinny, and so she asks if you’re stressed. Maybe she is interested in your emotional well-being too. But to be honest, based on what you told me about your childhood, I don’t think your mother had/has a real interest in your emotional well-being. Because when you were exposed to your father’s rage attacks, she would tell you to tolerate it and not make a fuss about it. So that’s not really emotionally supportive.

    So because of that I didn’t had like healthy fats and mostly pure vegetarian for a very long time, I’d be eating mostly green vegetables, No milk or even rice because I thought it makes people fat and because years of misconception my body just adapted it like that. So that’s what I’m trying to change.

    Oh so you were basically vegan! That’s tough, I tried it once, and it was too much for me. I would be fine being a vegetarian, I don’t really need meat. But I do need dairy products, so veganism is not for me.

    Haha okay so even for this I’m somewhat responsible, Because we did talk deep level things and she did asked me about the way I am and you know that she likes my “Calm” so I did tell her very clearly that it’s all self-awareness and mindfulness. So she got more interested about self-improvement and stuff so

    Cool… But one thing to keep in mind is that a part of your “calmness” is suppressing your anger, right? I mean, you appear calm in front of people, but inside you might be boiling. That’s a very useful skill (control of emotional reactions), and I guess you developed it by mindfulness? But on the log run, the goal is to heal some of that anger, so that you don’t feel so threatened and afraid of judgment in social situations.

    Hmm I see, So a question, so as human beings do we always try to fulfil other people that we’re good at? If so, Why is this drive?

    Yes, we are attracted to people who possess the qualities we don’t, or which we might have suppressed. So if you are calm (or at least seem calm) and detached, and she is too emotionally reactive, your calmness and poise is what might have attracted her to you. So what we believe we miss, we look for in others. Or for example, the person who is shy and lacks self-esteem might be attracted to someone who is self-confident and extroverted.

    I guess so yeah.. They visited me this weekend with both of my siblings. And so far this time he didn’t even compared this time.

    That’s good! He might have sensed that you’re fragile and sad, due to your cat’s death, and so he was behaving himself. Or perhaps even your mother told him to behave himself…

    I guess because I never had that in my childhood and only criticism so now it’s just hard to trust what people say

    I understand… you believe everybody is like your father or grandfather. Or maybe like your mother, who wasn’t always honest with you? (You did say you don’t like when people act kind to you, only to get something from you. And I think you mentioned your family in that context too.) So you might have a really bad model there: the people closest to you either being very judgmental, or not being honest (not having the purest intentions) when they praised you?

    It means should I believe in positive feedback? If so how you’d determine what to let in or let out

    Well, we need to have discernment of course. But if you hear the same praise from more people, that should tell you it’s most probably true. If you cannot accept compliment at all, that’s a sign that the inner critic has the upper hand.

    Also just a side note, Are you working from home? I found this from a LinkedIn post, and it says whenever you’re working always play a Instrumental/LoFi music that you like… and I think it’s actually helping me focus more and somewhat in better mood and less anxious as well.

    Actually, listening to music while working would distract me, but if it helps you focus and be less anxious – cool, go for it!

     

    #419282
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Heyya Tee,

    How’s your weekend going?

    Yeah sure, that’s what I meant: you were/are feeling down because you are missing your cat. And that’s what makes you more susceptible to overeating (which is a form of misguided self-soothing and self-regulation). We feel comforted when we eat, and you needed comfort, so it’s kind of logical…

    That makes sense

    Haha… no. If caring about your cat and petting her gave you emotional relief, you should find a new cat, not a new girlfriend

    I kinda already have a new cat (Even though it’s not mine) But I mean like someone to share that grief with?

    That’s nice of your neighbor, but perhaps you need a little more time before adopting another cat?

    I guess so because she makes me miss her even more. Although she’s a feral cat. So not easy to handle. She almost looks like a tiny cute cheetah.

    Usually when we watch TV while eating, we end up eating more, because we don’t really pay attention to food and our sense of being satiated. Is this your experience too?

    Yes it’s like that

    Btw, are you binge eating on healthy food or comfort food, if I may ask?

    I’m very aware of what I eat so 99% of the time it’s heathy handmade cooked food.

    Right… well, it’s still primarily your physical looks/well-being that she is interested in. Because she notices that you’re skinny, and so she asks if you’re stressed. Maybe she is interested in your emotional well-being too. But to be honest, based on what you told me about your childhood, I don’t think your mother had/has a real interest in your emotional well-being. Because when you were exposed to your father’s rage attacks, she would tell you to tolerate it and not make a fuss about it. So that’s not really emotionally supportive.

    Well you do have a point there but we can’t point out that single thing for her emotional support can we? Because she and my grandma lifted me up when I was feeling down time to time.

    Oh so you were basically vegan! That’s tough, I tried it once, and it was too much for me. I would be fine being a vegetarian, I don’t really need meat. But I do need dairy products, so veganism is not for me.

    Well yeah I started to like dairy products more, Specially yogurt and buttermilk. I still don’t consume cheesy things, but I’ll try more cheesy recipes when I’m in different country.

    Cool… But one thing to keep in mind is that a part of your “calmness” is suppressing your anger, right? I mean, you appear calm in front of people, but inside you might be boiling. That’s a very useful skill (control of emotional reactions), and I guess you developed it by mindfulness? But on the log run, the goal is to heal some of that anger, so that you don’t feel so threatened and afraid of judgment in social situations.

    Yes I agree with you, But nowadays I feel anxious and scared like lot of What Ifs, What if it this happens and what if this goes wrong which is depleting my energy and self-esteem

     

    Yes, we are attracted to people who possess the qualities we don’t, or which we might have suppressed. So if you are calm (or at least seem calm) and detached, and she is too emotionally reactive, your calmness and poise is what might have attracted her to you. So what we believe we miss, we look for in others. Or for example, the person who is shy and lacks self-esteem might be attracted to someone who is self-confident and extroverted.

    Ahh Right I guess that’s what happened between me and her. And yeah I’m somewhat easily attracted to “Extroverted” Types but then I find them too much… But tbh finding introvert girl isn’t easy and even if you do you have to have lot of patience and it’s irritating if there will be no results after the input.

    Talking about her, we met yesterday and she asked me that if it’s okay If we still be in physical things. And I’m thinking about saying yes. Because maybe ignoring my physical needs isn’t letting me properly focus on more important day to day things?

    That’s good! He might have sensed that you’re fragile and sad, due to your cat’s death, and so he was behaving himself. Or perhaps even your mother told him to behave himself…

    I don’t know what happened but I’m glad at least he sensed that much or even listened to my mother.

    I understand… you believe everybody is like your father or grandfather. Or maybe like your mother, who wasn’t always honest with you? (You did say you don’t like when people act kind to you, only to get something from you. And I think you mentioned your family in that context too.) So you might have a really bad model there: the people closest to you either being very judgmental, or not being honest (not having the purest intentions) when they praised you?

    Yes that’s right that’s how it was in my childhood, For example my father gave me the very expensive bike because I ranked first in my primary school.

    Well, we need to have discernment of course. But if you hear the same praise from more people, that should tell you it’s most probably true. If you cannot accept compliment at all, that’s a sign that the inner critic has the upper hand.

    I’m just starting to be more open about compliments. Before I wouldn’t even give an attention to it. Now I think it would be better for my self-esteem. Because it has more “Evidence” to backup. Because inner critic is super rational and have more negative perception and I think providing evidence would help.

     

    Also I had a session with my therapist. She said I’m doing good so far.

    She even told me that I don’t listen to my inner critic that much like before, Which is impressive she said that lot of the people she worked with it took lot of time but I’m doing well in shorter time span. She also said how much things I’m doing on my own (Also with your help 😉 So thanks)

    She asked me lot of questions about my current situation and how I feel. And said that my inner child wants to live in slower pace, but my fierce need to get things done doesn’t letting it happen. That’s why I feel restless. And like that I have many two-faced tendencies like that I need to work on.

    #419517
    Tee
    Participant

    Hey SereneWolf,

    I kinda already have a new cat (Even though it’s not mine)

    she’s a feral cat. So not easy to handle. She almost looks like a tiny cute cheetah.

    🙂 How are you getting along with her? Does she allow to be cuddled?

    But I mean like someone to share that grief with?

    Yes, it’s good to have someone to share difficult moments with, not to be alone with our grief. But having a partner just so they can console us in hard times would be a bit unfair to them. I mean, the goal would be to have a full spectrum of emotional intimacy, in both good and bad times. That’s the point of a healthy relationship.

    Talking about her, we met yesterday and she asked me that if it’s okay If we still be in physical things. And I’m thinking about saying yes. Because maybe ignoring my physical needs isn’t letting me properly focus on more important day to day things?

    Hmmm… I thought she was smarter than that. Instead of learning to be on her own for a while, she offered you a friends-with-benefits arrangement. That’s hurtful, specially for women, because they usually get more attached than men. And in the case of you two, we know that she is much more attached to you than you to her. So I think she is putting herself in a situation which she will regret.

    Because maybe ignoring my physical needs isn’t letting me properly focus on more important day to day things?

    Well, I personally don’t view sex in the same rank of physical needs as eating, drinking or getting enough sleep. It’s not a part of self-care. So I don’t think it will help you be more productive, if that’s what you meant. But you know yourself best – have you noticed that sex makes you more productive at work?

    Yes I agree with you, But nowadays I feel anxious and scared like lot of What Ifs, What if it this happens and what if this goes wrong which is depleting my energy and self-esteem

    You feel that anxiety in social situations or with work-related tasks?

    Well you do have a point there but we can’t point out that single thing for her emotional support can we? Because she and my grandma lifted me up when I was feeling down time to time.

    I am happy if they did show emotional support in some situations. But your mother, if I understood well, was your father’s enabler. She enabled him to criticize you and verbally abuse you without intervening. She basically told you to endure it and to be “mature” about it. She failed to protect you. That’s a big omission. And it’s not something that happened once or twice, but consistently. The whole situation was so unbearable that you left home at the age of 16. Those are no small things…

    Yes that’s right that’s how it was in my childhood, For example my father gave me the very expensive bike because I ranked first in my primary school.

    Okay, so you felt your father was kind and “loving” to you only if you performed well at school? You felt that when he praised you, he expected no less than top performance from you? You had to be No1, or else he wouldn’t be pleased? (I am just trying to understand what you said earlier that you felt that people are insincere when they praise you and that they want something in return. So perhaps this behavior doesn’t come from your mother, but from your father?)

    I’m just starting to be more open about compliments. Before I wouldn’t even give an attention to it. Now I think it would be better for my self-esteem. Because it has more “Evidence” to backup. Because inner critic is super rational and have more negative perception and I think providing evidence would help.

    It’s good that you’re more open to compliments. Because if the inner critic is strong, it will disregard even the strongest evidence. That happens in the impostor syndrome. But if you silence the inner critic a bit and allow yourself to receive praise, without immediately dismissing it, that’s a good start.

    Also I had a session with my therapist. She said I’m doing good so far.

    Yay, happy to hear that! 🙂

    She even told me that I don’t listen to my inner critic that much like before, Which is impressive she said that lot of the people she worked with it took lot of time but I’m doing well in shorter time span. She also said how much things I’m doing on my own (Also with your help So thanks)

    You are very welcome!

    Allow yourself to receive that praise from your therapist and accept that you’re actually doing good and having results pretty quickly. So don’t dismiss it as false praise, but allow yourself to be satisfied with yourself.

    She asked me lot of questions about my current situation and how I feel. And said that my inner child wants to live in slower pace, but my fierce need to get things done doesn’t letting it happen. That’s why I feel restless. And like that I have many two-faced tendencies like that I need to work on.

    Right. So the drill sergeant is still active, still pushing you to do more and faster. Try to notice it and then stop yourself, i.e. invite the good general (forgot his name, sorry) to come to your rescue and send the drill sergeant away.

     

    #419708
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Bonjour Tee,

    How are you doing? How’s your weekend going?

     How are you getting along with her? Does she allow to be cuddled?

    Well now she does. She just comes and sleeps on my lap or belly occasionally. She also let me pet her head when she’s in the mood otherwise my finger is like a chewing toy for her.

    Yes, it’s good to have someone to share difficult moments with, not to be alone with our grief. But having a partner just so they can console us in hard times would be a bit unfair to them. I mean, the goal would be to have a full spectrum of emotional intimacy, in both good and bad times. That’s the point of a healthy relationship.

    I mean yeah I know that that’s what relationship is about sharing intimacy. So I didn’t mean only for grief, Obviously something more than that

     

    Hmmm… I thought she was smarter than that. Instead of learning to be on her own for a while, she offered you a friends-with-benefits arrangement. That’s hurtful, specially for women, because they usually get more attached than men. And in the case of you two, we know that she is much more attached to you than you to her. So I think she is putting herself in a situation which she will regret.

    I feel she’s acting like one of my first LDR (Long-term) girl, She also acted like this because she doesn’t want to lose contact. I guess she still may have hope that she can change things. And another thing is that I still do enjoy talking to her and we talk about lot of things than just sex. Sex is just like a plus point. Also she’s aware that I have no experience for FWB yet or neither does she. So I won’t be purely doing that. Other intimate things will be included. Women are like clever fox lol

    What you really think women get attached than men? But yeah for this case yes.

    And we did talked about it very openly and I said if we still continue like this it would be harder to move on later on. She said she is aware of this but she said she would even like this regret. So I said it’s not wrong to create more memories together. But I did said I’m not sure so we still take things slowly… and I accept I do crave things from her that’s why I’m not able to directly say No to her.

    Well, I personally don’t view sex in the same rank of physical needs as eating, drinking or getting enough sleep. It’s not a part of self-care. So I don’t think it will help you be more productive, if that’s what you meant. But you know yourself best – have you noticed that sex makes you more productive at work?

    I mean you know you didn’t had sex for a very long time and then suddenly sex is in your routine? You know because of my past LDRs I wasn’t able do physical things. So it kinda makes me feel like desperate for sex? Yet I do still try to control myself but her libido is also high so it doesn’t help much. And I love morning sex it makes me feel energetic and it fills me up with good vibes and after having morning sex I don’t have any sexual or needy thoughts during the day you know…

     

    You feel that anxiety in social situations or with work-related tasks?

    Yes, mainly work and career related things. Maybe I should use LinkedIn less. It makes me feel behind and somewhat jealous and question my abilities. In LinkedIn there are informative stuff but also lot of “Success” posting so..

    Also lot of company is laying off people, so I just started to apply for different positions while ago which is also the stressful situation because even after applying for lot of job there isn’t much positive feedback yet

    I am happy if they did show emotional support in some situations. But your mother, if I understood well, was your father’s enabler. She enabled him to criticize you and verbally abuse you without intervening. She basically told you to endure it and to be “mature” about it. She failed to protect you. That’s a big omission. And it’s not something that happened once or twice, but consistently. The whole situation was so unbearable that you left home at the age of 16. Those are no small things…

    Yeah that’s like we talked before, Even though your father was aware he wasn’t able to protect you, So is my mother. And another thing I guess I didn’t told you is that my mother was worried about physical fight and something would happen to me, because if I remember only two times my father lost control and tried to physically hurt me and also hurt my mother when she tried to save me and when I saw that I didn’t showed him respect like I don’t care who you are you can’t treat us like that it would made him even more angry he be like you can’t disrespect me like that don’t raise your voice in front of me. And I would just be like this is nonsense and go to my room and not talk him for a day or two. And yet all my family (Not my siblings) is like it’s just his anger he didn’t mean any harm. I’m like I’m the kid here or is he’s the kid that he can’t even control his anger? You can bow down to his anger but I won’t. Literally even my relatives says like oh just ignore that he just have some anger tendencies… A good son shouldn’t disrespect his father. But that time only my grandma told him like what are you even doing? That’s how you treat your kids? and he did accept that it was his fault and he’s sorry. Only to my grandma not in front of me. Otherwise, his “pride” would hurt. And after that my mother knew that If anything happens again I’d disrespect him again and it would make things worse between us.

    Sorry for long rant

    Okay, so you felt your father was kind and “loving” to you only if you performed well at school? You felt that when he praised you, he expected no less than top performance from you? You had to be No1, or else he wouldn’t be pleased? (I am just trying to understand what you said earlier that you felt that people are insincere when they praise you and that they want something in return. So perhaps this behavior doesn’t come from your mother, but from your father?)

    Yes that’s right and the minute I make a mistake I’m dumb. He be like I did this and that and some people are not even able to provide daily necessities to their kids and yet they’re performing well then what do you need? They didn’t tell this to my face but I knew their thinking and I did like studying they never had to tell me like go and study like my siblings. They still believe I’m a “good performing” student even though my attention span and curiosity for studying is worse now

     

    It’s good that you’re more open to compliments. Because if the inner critic is strong, it will disregard even the strongest evidence. That happens in the impostor syndrome. But if you silence the inner critic a bit and allow yourself to receive praise, without immediately dismissing it, that’s a good start.

    I don’t remember what’s that term called but it’s like what you think is what you see? So I guess if I’m hearing good things about myself, I do feel good things about myself and after that I notice even more better things..

    Allow yourself to receive that praise from your therapist and accept that you’re actually doing good and having results pretty quickly. So don’t dismiss it as false praise, but allow yourself to be satisfied with yourself.

    Ah the feeling of satisfied with myself! Damn when will I get that? But yeah I started to take positive praise with some critical thinking so I’m not dismissing entirely. We’re imperfect beings after all, Always evolving like universe, and we’re part of this universe so..

     

    Right. So the drill sergeant is still active, still pushing you to do more and faster. Try to notice it and then stop yourself, i.e. invite the good general (forgot his name, sorry) to come to your rescue and send the drill sergeant away.

    Yeah that drill sergeant! I do think most of the time he’s not even there he just comes up when I’m feeling down about something and I do try to listen to Good general (Uncle Iroh)

    Now I do have friendly inner voice and him. Like I said before I act like I’m my own friend and try to handle the situation if I’m telling myself bad things and Uncle Iroh kinda makes it even better.

     

    Just yesterday I read on a post that says “Love is not just a feeling, It is a daily choice that we make.” What does that mean? Can you elaborate if you know?

     

    #419807
    Tee
    Participant

    Hey SereneWolf,

    my condition is still fluctuating, so I am still looking for something to give me better relief. But not losing hope, so…

    Well now she does. She just comes and sleeps on my lap or belly occasionally. She also let me pet her head when she’s in the mood otherwise my finger is like a chewing toy for her.

    Good – seems she is getting more tame as the time goes by 🙂

    I mean yeah I know that that’s what relationship is about sharing intimacy. So I didn’t mean only for grief, Obviously something more than that

    Yeah, sure, sharing intimacy, being vulnerable, opening up when something is bothering us… it’s precious to have someone we can do that with, without being judged and ridiculed.

    I feel she’s acting like one of my first LDR (Long-term) girl, She also acted like this because she doesn’t want to lose contact. I guess she still may have hope that she can change things.

    Yes, I think so too. She is hoping you would come around and start really bonding with her. She is hoping she’ll melt you finally 🙂

    And we did talked about it very openly and I said if we still continue like this it would be harder to move on later on. She said she is aware of this but she said she would even like this regret.

    Okay, she is taking the conscious risk…

    So I said it’s not wrong to create more memories together. But I did said I’m not sure so we still take things slowly… and I accept I do crave things from her that’s why I’m not able to directly say No to her.

    What are you craving from her?

    What you really think women get attached than men? But yeah for this case yes.

    I think that women bond quicker emotionally if there is sex involved. So if you keep having sex, she’ll definitely get even more attached, while for you it’s a question, specially since you have attachment issues. But it seems she is willing to take that risk, since she is hoping you might change (or that she might change you)…

    Yes, mainly work and career related things. Maybe I should use LinkedIn less. It makes me feel behind and somewhat jealous and question my abilities. In LinkedIn there are informative stuff but also lot of “Success” posting so..

    Yeah, maybe it’s like Facebook – you start comparing yourself to other people and start feeling less than… so probably LinkedIn is something that triggers your inner critic and makes you feel bad about yourself. Maybe it would be better if you didn’t read those success stories, but only the information related to job openings…

    Also lot of company is laying off people, so I just started to apply for different positions while ago which is also the stressful situation because even after applying for lot of job there isn’t much positive feedback yet

    Are you still trying to find a completely remote job, so you can work from anywhere?

    Yeah that’s like we talked before, Even though your father was aware he wasn’t able to protect you, So is my mother. And another thing I guess I didn’t told you is that my mother was worried about physical fight and something would happen to me, because if I remember only two times my father lost control and tried to physically hurt me and also hurt my mother when she tried to save me and when I saw that I didn’t showed him respect like I don’t care who you are you can’t treat us like that it would made him even more angry he be like you can’t disrespect me like that don’t raise your voice in front of me. And I would just be like this is nonsense and go to my room and not talk him for a day or two. And yet all my family (Not my siblings) is like it’s just his anger he didn’t mean any harm. I’m like I’m the kid here or is he’s the kid that he can’t even control his anger? You can bow down to his anger but I won’t. Literally even my relatives says like oh just ignore that he just have some anger tendencies… A good son shouldn’t disrespect his father. But that time only my grandma told him like what are you even doing? That’s how you treat your kids? and he did accept that it was his fault and he’s sorry. Only to my grandma not in front of me. Otherwise, his “pride” would hurt. And after that my mother knew that If anything happens again I’d disrespect him again and it would make things worse between us.

    Oh I see. So he was physically aggressive once and even hit your mother when she tried to protect you. And since then your mother was afraid for both you and herself, and was trying to reason with you not to talk back and provoke him even more. She tried to calm you (the child) down, so you wouldn’t provoke him (the adult)?

    It seems your father wasn’t just an emotionally bully, but also potentially a physical bully, and there was a danger of domestic violence. And so your mother did everything to prevent that violence – by basically being obedient and trying to appease him, and also trying to control you and reason with you to be more “mature” (even if you were just a child).

    Your mother unfortunately didn’t dare to challenge your father and demand that he controls his anger. Maybe she feared she would attack her too? I guess what made things worse is that men’s anger and aggressive behavior were societally acceptable, since everybody was excusing your father, as if he “didn’t mean anything bad”. Your grandfather was similar in character to him, and I guess your father actually received a similar treatment from his own father, right?

    It was only your grandmother (your father’s mother?) who warned him and he sort of admitted that it wasn’t the right thing to do. After that, has he tried to hit you or your mother again, or that was the only incident?

    But I guess his mindset didn’t change much. He thought he can yell at you and bully you as much as he pleases, while you should stay silent and “respect” your father. That father is “god” and children shouldn’t talk back. A very toxic attitude.

    And I guess you didn’t want to bow down to him, you didn’t want to show respect to him, and that’s what caused friction. And I guess that’s why you left home so early?

    Yes that’s right and the minute I make a mistake I’m dumb. He be like I did this and that and some people are not even able to provide daily necessities to their kids and yet they’re performing well then what do you need?

    He was extremely toxic, SereneWolf. He brutally criticized and shamed you for even the slightest mistake. No wonder you got traumatized by that. He expected you to be “grateful” for the material stuff that he was providing, while of course you couldn’t be grateful when he was putting you down so mercilessly.

    Emotional support is much more important for a child than having material abundance. He gave zero emotional support. What you experienced from him was emotional abuse. (In the beginning you said you’re suffering from childhood emotional neglect. Well, this was not neglect, this was emotional abuse.)

    They didn’t tell this to my face but I knew their thinking and I did like studying they never had to tell me like go and study like my siblings. They still believe I’m a “good performing” student even though my attention span and curiosity for studying is worse now

    Who is “they”? Your father and grandfather?

    No wonder you started having issues at school later – it could have been a consequence of the emotional abuse you’ve been experiencing at home. You were under so much pressure you couldn’t take it any more. It could have even been a way of rebelling too. Sometimes we rebel because we can’t bear to be oppressed like that. I guess one way you rebelled was to leave home, but perhaps having issues at school was another way, only subconscious?

    I don’t remember what’s that term called but it’s like what you think is what you see? So I guess if I’m hearing good things about myself, I do feel good things about myself and after that I notice even more better things..

    That’s great! Maybe the term you’re looking for is self-fulfilling prophecy: you expect good things, and then good things happen to you. And vice versa. In any case, I am glad that you’re more open to praise and that it helps you feel better about yourself.

    Ah the feeling of satisfied with myself! Damn when will I get that?

    When you heal your inner child and completely dismiss the inner critic… but you’re doing great, you’re making progress…

    Yeah that drill sergeant! I do think most of the time he’s not even there he just comes up when I’m feeling down about something and I do try to listen to Good general (Uncle Iroh)

    Now I do have friendly inner voice and him. Like I said before I act like I’m my own friend and try to handle the situation if I’m telling myself bad things and Uncle Iroh kinda makes it even better.

    Maybe the drill sergeant shows up when you’re looking at LinkedIn and start comparing yourself with others? This voice is actually your father’s and grandfather’s voice, because they were always comparing you with others. It’s great you have Uncle Iroh as the antidote!

    Just yesterday I read on a post that says “Love is not just a feeling, It is a daily choice that we make.” What does that mean? Can you elaborate if you know?

    Well, one explanation could be that love is not just words (“I love you”), it’s also deeds – the things we do to show our love and appreciation every day. Okay, I’ve just looked it up, and the first thing that came up in search was an article titled “Why love is a choice you make every day.”

    The article is worth reading, but basically the main point is: “It may feel easy to find love at first – your hormones are leading the way. Building love, which implies emotional intimacy, may take effort and action.”

     

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