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Feels like Time is passing too fast

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 321 total)
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  • #408486
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Addy:

    Off the top of my head, I’d say that “friends is better idea”. If you want me to put more thought into it, will you tell me about this LDR history, how much time altogether you spent with her in-person, how often,  and what you mean by (she?) “suffers from intimacy and impatience”?

    anita

    #408494
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Anita:
    So, my previous LDR lasted more than 3 years. Really tested my patience. haven’t met in person. and not even video called once (funny I know) I felt like I wasted so much time and for what?
    I’m an Aries-INFJ so I’m someone who prefers action yet still I waited that much long…and it took me more than a year to heal from that

    Now this LDR, it’s been only two months. We didn’t meet in person Yet. She’s nice and mature but she is somewhat an anxious person. like whatever I suggest she be like it’s easy to tell, hard to do. even though I tried being patience she’s just doesn’t want to get out of her comfort zone. She didn’t even tell her parents about her moving plans or that she wants to study in Europe. I’m like when you planning to tell them.
    It’s me I’m impatience and I’m kind of scared too because I don’t want to waste my time and emotions

    #408495
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Addy:

    I’m thinking about stepping back from my LDR… Because I’m constantly thinking why I should have to wait for something which have less chances… instead of just have a good time with someone who’s near me?… I don’t want to waste my time and emotions“- I am for you ending this never-met relationship in favor of having a real-life, in-person relationship.

    Are you afraid of irl/ in-person relationship, and this is why you prefer to have LD-never-having-met relationships?

    anita

    #408496
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    She’s mostly complaining that I’m being hard on her. Even though I’m trying to take this patiently.
    So what now I shouldn’t have some ground values of my own?

     

     

    #408497
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    And no I’m not afraid of IRL. I had IRL and I enjoyed it quite a lot

    #408499
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Addy:

    I’m someone who prefers action…I’m not afraid of IRL and I enjoyed it quite a lot“- then who a more than THREE rears LDR and a 2-months new one?

    Also, isn’t it unfair and unwise to pressure a young woman whom you never met, and with whom you have had strictly only online communication for a couple of months- to move (or to consider to move) to another country/ continent so to live with a man she is… yet to meet in-person for the first time?

    (I will be away from the computer for a few hours).

    anita

    #408570
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Anita:
    No don’t misunderstand. I’m not telling her to move right away. Because she told me she wants to join next batch for the university that’s why I think she should work for it. It’s not just about moving in with me

    #408572
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Addy:

    I re-read your posts on both threads for the purpose of understanding your LDR-s better. Here are relevant quotes and my comments/ questions (you don’t owe me any answers, so please answer only if you feel comfortable answering):

    “My 3 year long distance relationship didn’t worked out. I’m in another Long distance relationship.. And that voice inside is like doubtful this one would work out.. Even though it’s lot different than before..  I love her so much… I did built up kind of Insecure-avoidant attachment pattern which I’m still working on”-

    Insecure attachment is an umbrella term that describes people who experience high levels of anxiety in the context of relationships, not trusting their partner to meet their needs, and experiencing fear and uncertainty. Insecure-avoidant attachment is associated with avoiding intimacy. Well, Addy, carrying on  long-distance relationships with women you never met in-person is a way to avoid intimacy, and therefore, to lessen your anxiety.

    I’ve dealt with very Low self-esteem…..I’m mostly very critical of myself… when some gives me any physical compliment, I can’t accept without doubting or questioning myself“- being in long-distance relationships with women who never met you is a way to avoid being given the opposite of physical compliments: physical criticisms and perhaps insults.

    Sometimes I also put that pressure of being better on my girlfriend as well e.g. For eating, and sleeping healthy by being strict with her (LDR and time difference so you know)…  I feel like sometimes I force them to be better… She’s mostly complaining that I’m being hard on her“- sometimes you turn your inner criticism outward: criticizing your LDR girlfriend. The so called Inner Critic often turns into an Outer Critic, and back and forth. The two critics are like two sides of the same coin.

    As a child I’ve.. Always listened to my parents and Grandparents and (been) someone who is not very demanding. I’ve sacrificed for lot of things and never asked for it“- do you carry anger within you, for sacrificing and not asking for anything?

    Today in my interview Recruiter told me I’m really calm and friendly person (Somehow, I was able to accept this compliment – because I started to believe that long ago”– do you pay a heavy price for being really calm and friendly: suppressing anger perhaps, or suffering extra anxiety?

    I’m thinking about stepping back from my LDR that I talked to you about… (and) just have a good time with someone who’s near me?… I’m not afraid of IRL. I had IRL and I enjoyed it quite a lot“- if you’d like to share about your irl relationship experience, please do. (I am asking this question and all other questions because your answers will help me understand you better… and perhaps it will help you understand you better)

    anita

    #408584
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    First of All, Thanks a lot! I’m impressed with how much you’re analyzing and trying to connect the dots. I highly appreciate it.

    Insecure-avoidant attachment

    Yes I think you’re right so I think it’s time for me to IRL again? NGL it’s been a while so… I’m not a shy person as I used to be. (At least that’s what I think) But here’s the thing about my LDRs and IRLs I haven’t approached a girl first… Even Once
    So like I’d have to make the first move for like really the First time

     

    being in long-distance relationships with women who never met you is a way to avoid being given the opposite of physical compliments: physical criticisms and perhaps insults.

    Hmm I think you’re right

    Sometimes you turn your inner criticism outward: criticizing your LDR girlfriend. The so called Inner Critic often turns into an Outer Critic, and back and forth. The two critics are like two sides of the same coin.

    I agree.  So How should I start working on that?

     

    Do you carry anger within you, for sacrificing and not asking for anything?

    No. Not at all. I’m actually grateful for what they gave me.

     

    do you pay a heavy price for being really calm and friendly: suppressing anger perhaps, or suffering extra anxiety?

     

    Okay so this? I’m not sure about this. How should I figure this out?

    Because for a while I’m considering myself Calm and friendly person. So It’s like just a mirror image of my thoughts?

     

    You’d like to share about your irl relationship experience, please do.

    Hmm I think it was very exciting. The Talking, Hand in Hand and the physical intimacy. It’s just good. You can’t get that feeling in texting. Hands down. Another is that it happened when I wasn’t mature as I am now. I was always on the edge it was really easy to make me angry that time so if something happens, we are fighting and not talking for days, and I was crazy stubborn (I still am a lil) Even at that time they be asking to be commitment and I wasn’t ready for that at all so Yeah commitment issues as well

    #408586
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Addy:

    You are welcome. It will take courage on your part to carry on an irl relationship for the first time in a very long time (4 years, approximately?), and to approach a woman first, for the first time in your life.

    “How should I start working on that (not turning your self-criticism outward)?“- because inner criticism (criticizing yourself) and outer criticism (criticizing others) go hand in hand, being like two sides of the same coin, you go about it by noticing when you start criticizing yourself and/ or another person, and abort the criticism. Instead of criticizing yourself,  guide yourself compassionately, and provide others with compassion, instead of criticism.

    I asked you if you carry anger with you for having sacrificed for your parents and not asking them for anything, and you answered: “No. Not at all. I’m actually grateful for what they gave me“. Later, on the same post, you wrote in regard to girls: “I was always on the edge it was really easy to make me angry… and I was crazy stubborn“- so, you are sure that all your anger has to do with the girls you kind-of dated, and none with your parents: no anger toward your parents, ever?

    I asked you if you pay a heavy price for being (or appearing to be) really calm and friendly, suppressed anger or extra anxiety, and you answered: “I’m not sure about this. How should I figure this out?“- you can start by answering (if you will) the question right above, in the previous paragraph.

    Even at that time they (were) asking (for) commitment and I wasn’t ready for that at all so Yeah commitment issues as well“- this makes me wonder if you felt stuck living at home with your parents, and whether this was the reason that you left home and lived away from your parents at the age of 17, I think it was… ?

    anita

    #408612
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    Bom dia, Hope you’re having a good day

    It will take courage on your part to carry on an irl relationship for the first time in a very long time (4 years, approximately?), and to approach a woman first, for the first time in your life.

    Yeah more than 4 years actually, Also today on IG I found that my attachment Staley is
    Fearful-avoidant attachment style. So I think I’ll have to work on that as well

    abort the criticism. Instead of criticizing yourself, guide yourself compassionately, and provide others with compassion, instead of criticism.

    Thanks, I’ll try that I think being mindful is already helping me with that

    you are sure that all your anger has to do with the girls you kind-of dated, and none with your parents: no anger toward your parents, ever?

    I mean it was really easy to get me worked up and irritated even for small things and on top of that I also had kind of controlling behavior and I was like I always have to have the last word about things

     

    This makes me wonder if you felt stuck living at home with your parents, and whether this was the reason that you left home and lived away from your parents at the age of 17, I think it was… ?

    Hmm? What does this have to do with commitment issues? I think I’m a free-spirited person so even if my parents would’ve forced me to stay with them I wouldn’t… I don’t know if it’s like a FOMO that If I’m committed to this, in my head I’m like I’d miss lots of other things that I want to do? I’m not sure

    #408628
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Addy:

    You are welcome and good day to you too. I asked you: “no anger toward your parents, ever?”, and you didn’t answer my question by either intent or it just so happens that you didn’t. You are welcome to leave it unanswered, if you so prefer.

    I wrote to you: “This makes me wonder if you felt stuck living at home with your parents…?” You responded with a question: “Hmm? What does this have to do with commitment issues?”- my answer: people fear committing to a relationship with another person because they don’t want to find themselves stuck with that person: not having an easy way out.

    anita

    #408665
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    “No anger toward your parents, ever?”
    So here’s a thing. There was a time when I used to be angry with my father because he used to mostly comparing others with me like look at him he achieved this and that and I was like yeah yeah… Luckily, he doesn’t do that anymore. Rn He’s like do whatever seems right for you.  And My mom has always been kind to me and supported me no matter what.

    People fear committing to a relationship with another person because they don’t want to find themselves stuck with that person: not having an easy way out.

    Oh well yeah I do feel like that sometimes that’s why I want to work on solving Fearful-avoidant attachment style

     

     

    #408668
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Addy:

    my Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), like lot of people my parents didn’t knew my emotional need… My mom has always been kind to me and supported me no matter what” (Oct 2, Oct 18)- your mother was always kind to you, supported you no matter what and yet, she didn’t know about your emotional needs and therefore you suffer from CEN?

    anita

    #408688
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Anita
    I come from a small village and My mother is not like you’d say “highly educated” She doesn’t even know what we say about mental health and psychology and etc. All I know is that she believes in pure Mamata (Motherly love) And I do believe she did everything she could. I don’t need validation from that point at all because I’m sure about it. I also believe she taught me about being kind, honest and resilient but as human being some negative patterns does affect us more than the other when we overthink or with some triggers so…

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 321 total)

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