Hola SereneWolf,

what a nice surprise, happy to hear from you! 🙂

I’m BAU regarding my health, juggling between several health issues, but as I said, practicing radical acceptance and focusing on other things that might improve my life in different ways. So psychologically I’m more or less okay, even if physically life is not the best.

Quite good. The team is nice, and my manager is kind and supportive. Although sometimes the work and projects do feel overwhelming because even after I complete my work, my mind doesn’t switch off. I keep replaying everything and worrying that my manager will think it’s not good enough or that they’ll be disappointed in me. The anxiety continues even after work hours, and it’s difficult to stop thinking about it.

I’m glad you’re happy with your job and that your manager is kind and supportive. That’s such a treasure! But I’m sorry that the “good old” (or rather the bad old) inner critic is active again (we had a name for it: was it drill sergeant or something similar?).

Actually, my understanding of the inner critic evolved a bit since then. I’ve learned that it has a protective function: its goal is to make sure that the child does everything perfectly, so not to be criticized by the strict/judgmental parent. The child wants to please the parent and get their validation, and so the drill sergeant is there to make sure the child doesn’t mess up. The child is now our inner child…

So rather than being mad at the inner critic and telling him to stop criticizing you, perhaps a more efficient way is to tell him, calmly and with a lot of compassion, that you understand his concerns, but that it’s okay even if you don’t do everything perfectly. That you will love the little SereneWolf (your inner child) regardless. And you’ll think he is a very capable little chap regardless 🙂

So instead of fighting the inner critic, to reassure him that you’ve got it? What do you think?

As for ADHD, I remember a while ago you mentioned ADHD… you said you were rated as mild ADHD in an online test, however you didn’t like some of your symptoms, such as low dopamine and short focus span. I am glad that some of those symptoms have now lessened!

Since I’m very ignorant about drugs used for mental health conditions, I immediately start thinking about potential side-effects. How is it with this drug? You did mention you’re only taking a small dose, so I guess you’re not experiencing any side effects?

I stayed at her place for a while. Since we had only been online friends before, this was the first time we actually met in person and spent time together. We were surprisingly comfortable with each other.

It’s nice that you’ve opened up emotionally to a girl and that it was easy to actually spend time with her, that you felt comfortable around her. Do you feel you could be yourself around her, you didn’t feel like you needed to perform?

I can already feel myself getting attached, but at the same time I know I don’t want to move forward into a relationship with her. We’re both clear about that.

May I ask what’s the reason for that? Is it relationship anxiety on your part or she too doesn’t want anything more serious? But it’s good that she is clear about where you stand, so there are no surprises.

Lately, through therapy and seeing a psychiatrist (just recently but yeah), I think I’m finally starting to see the pattern more clearly. It isn’t really about jobs, relationships, or even the future. It’s my constant need for reassurance and certainty. My mind keeps believing that if I just get one more answer or one more sign that everything will be okay, then I’ll finally relax. But it never really lasts. I’m also realizing how much I monitor myself instead of just living, and how afraid I am of not being chosen or not being “good enough.”

That’s wonderful that you’re starting to see this pattern, which seems like what you’ve mentioned in the previous post: about this base-level, constant anxiety, which always needs some outer reassurance to calm down. But it never does, it’s like a bottomless pit.

The biggest lesson I’m trying to learn now is to trust myself more, tolerate uncertainty, and stop waiting until I feel completely ready. I don’t think I need more answers anymore. I think I just need to keep taking the next small step, even with uncertainty.

This is a very valuable insight! Realizing that nothing external will soothe this base-level, ever-present anxiety: the soothing needs to come from within, from you trusting yourself (and trusting IN yourself) more.

Which is what you’re learning to do now… congratulations, and keep it up, SereneWolf! 🙂