October 19, 2022 at 7:00 am #408690AnonymousGuest
Mamata, Motherly Love, is a wonderful thing, oh how I wish that growing up, I could bask in motherly love, feel its warmth envelope me, protect me, keeping me safe from harm. When we think back about the mothers we had growing up, we naturally want to see her in the most positive light because we still need to bask in the light of her Mamata, if only for a moment or two. We explain away her neglectful and even abusive behaviors, assigning it to lack of education, to her difficult life and whatnot. I wouldn’t have suggested anything negative about your mother if it wasn’t for your assertion that you suffered from Childhood Emotional Neglect by both parents.
parenting for brain. com: “Child emotional neglect (CEN) is the parent’s failure to meet their child’s emotional needs during the early years. It involves unresponsive, unavailable, and limited emotional interactions between that person and the child. Children’s emotional needs for affection, support, attention, or competence are ignored… Despite the lack of overt traumatic events, experiencing emotional neglect as a child can be just as damaging as abuse”.
healthline. com: “Childhood emotional neglect occurs when a child’s parent or parents fail to respond adequately to their child’s emotional needs. Emotional neglect is not necessarily childhood emotional abuse. Abuse is often intentional; it’s a purposeful choice to act in a way that is harmful… Parents who emotionally neglect their children may still provide care and necessities. They just miss out on or mishandle this one key area of support”.
It is unfortunate for the human child that he/ she needs more than food, clothes, medicine when sick, and a physical shelter to protect from the weather and the cold… unfortunate for a human child that he/ she also needs to be treated… as if what he/ she feels (outside of hunger, cold and sickness) is not irrelevant.
“I also believe she taught me about being kind, honest and resilient but as human being some negative patterns do affect us more than the other when we overthink, or with some triggers so…“- teaching you to be kind, honest and resilient is a very good thing; the negative patterns she instilled in you… not a good thing. I hope you bask in the former and heal from the latter.
anitaOctober 20, 2022 at 10:51 pm #408744
I agree about your thoughts on Mamata
And about CEN I took a test and it says I have some mild signs of that. That’s why. It’s not fully diagnosed by therapist but because of most of the symptoms were related that’s why I said. Like Low self esteem, shunning emotional closeness or intimacy, Mild ADHD (hyperactivity). Etc
I wouldn’t say they fulfilled my emotional needs 100%. Maybe my mother tried but my father didn’t. I used to be scared of him when I was little but scared not for abuse or anything. Just his anger when I’d do something wrong. It was different from my mother side if I do something wrong she’d tell me it’s wrong to do that and also explain why it’s wrong. Even now If I have to spend an hour alone with my father it doesn’t feel that much comfortable but I can spend whole day with my mother. But I try to tell myself it’s okay to have different views and I don’t have to be like him. We all are different. I respect him as he is. But I’m also sure I’m not craving validation from any of my parents. Childhood is past and I’m just trying to be better in the presentOctober 21, 2022 at 9:40 am #408757AnonymousGuest
“I used to be scared of him when I was little but scared not for abuse or anything. Just his anger“- inherent in the expressed emotion of anger, is a threat of violence. Think of a guard dog who angrily barks at a possible intruder: the angry bark is scary enough to chase away the possible intruder because there is a threat in the bark: if you get closer, I will bite you to death!
My mother used to hit me with her hands and feet, and she often yelled insults at me for what felt like hours at a time. But for years, as an adult, I had those scary, weird dreams: not of her hitting me or yelling at me. In my dreams she was just standing there with an angry face, saying nothing and doing nothing, staring at me silently and angrily. Anger by itself scares everyone, especially children.
“I used to be scared of… his anger when I’d do something wrong“- was he angry with you only when you did something wrong, or was he angry at you otherwise, and you figured- as a child- that if he was angry, it must have meant that you did something wrong?
anitaOctober 21, 2022 at 8:35 pm #408772
Seems like as my my father, you had kinda same experience with your mother
Now I understood when you said things about Mamata and how you craved it
Well my father is a civil engineer and perfectionist and he gets angry if things aren’t going as he wants it to be. And in my teenage I used to help him even though I didn’t really wanted it but in my head I was like no let me help.. But whenever I do something wrong, or get anxious to find tool or take some more time to find.. He’d get furious and scold me
Once while working he told me find something and I couldn’t find it and he give me like a “dead eye” and I got really frustrated and I screamed at him and ran into my room and like “I ain’t no living here no more” but my mom stopped me tried so solve this matter.October 22, 2022 at 8:15 am #408774AnonymousGuest
I think I know the “dead eye” look, that’s the look I dreamed about at nights: her looking at me with those dead eyes. There was definitely no love whatsoever in those eyes, only hate and a silent promise to kill, meaning, those eyes had let me know that it would be easy for her to kill me. No love to stop her, no feeling for me other than hate.
“he gets angry if things aren’t going as he wants it to be…. whenever I do something wrong, or get anxious to find tool or take some more time to find, he’d get furious and scold me“- you didn’t do something wrong, nothing wrong at all. The one doing something wrong is Him, not You. The wrong he did was to get furious and scold a child who wanted and tried to help him. His expectations were unrealistic: that you will help him exactly like he imagined that you should help him: perfectly.
Plus, very important fact of life: getting furious at you and scolding you made you (understandably) significantly anxious. Anxious people don’t function well because their anxiety distracts them from the task at hand. If he wanted anything close to perfection from you, he should have provided you with calm, positive support, not angry, negative opposition.
“my mom stopped me tried so solve this matter“- I wonder how she tried to solve the matter.
anitaOctober 22, 2022 at 11:24 am #408865
Hope you’re having a happy weekend
Yes I agree with you and you’re right about that but how can I heal from that?
There are any things that you’re trying and it’s helpful to you?
I mean she didn’t wanted this matter to grow and fight more so she just told me be silent and she’ll talk with my father and try to make him understand. But I knew his mindset that he’s stubborn and he prefers only his point of view but I didn’t wanted to arguing anymore soOctober 22, 2022 at 12:31 pm #408906AnonymousGuest
“she just told me be silent“, “how can I heal from that?.. any things that you’re trying and it’s helpful to you?“-
-yes, healing takes not being silent anymore.
“I didn’t wanted to arguing anymore so“- don’t argue with him, but don’t be silent either. To heal, you have to assert yourself with any person who mistreats you. Let’s say that you see your father only once a week, or once a month, or even less frequently than that, but if when you see him, he still mistreats you with his uncalled for anger, be it by giving you that “dead eye”, you can’t heal if you allow this to happen. You have to either assert yourself with him (ex. saying in a firm, strong voice: stop looking at me with your angry eyes and if you can’t manage that, don’t look at me at all!– no yelling, and no arguing to follow), or you don’t see/ visit him at all.
anitaOctober 22, 2022 at 10:06 pm #408921
Hmm I think more or less I’m there..
Like I do mostly stand up for myself. 99% of the case outside the family but inside the family I be like what’s the point? It’s not like they gonna change. Yet I think 70% of the time I think I’m standing up for what seems right to me. Although now my father rarely try to mistreat me after that incident I told you about.
But I also know that what would trigger him and recently we did got into conflict but I was like kept asking what I did wrong and I said you’re being angry for no reason so he just cut the call. And I be like okay I ain’t solving this childish behavior. If he’ll understand he’ll call.. Which he did even though I was surprised
But to be honest sometimes it does make me worried that like all these years why my family is still keeping with up with that behavior
And another thing is that if I did told him like you said “otherwise don’t look at me at all” he’d definitely take this as like disrespectful bomb I may have to find softer way for conflit résolution.. Or just talk to him less as possible 😂October 23, 2022 at 9:37 am #408936AnonymousGuest
I am glad to read that you stand up for yourself 99% of the time outside the context of your family.
“Recently we did got into conflict but I was like kept asking what I did wrong and I said you’re being angry for no reason so he just cut the call“- what if you cut the call with him?
“if I did tell him like you said “otherwise don’t look at me at all”, he’d definitely take this as like disrespectful bomb“- your father has been misusing his authority position as father to disrespect you, and he feels comfortable doing so because there are no real negative consequences for him when he disrespects you.
“I may have to find softer way for conflict resolution“- I think that for your father, soft Addy = submissive Addy.
In your first thread, on Sept 22, you wrote: “I don’t want my parents to work anymore“. You can tell your father that you will not work for him in the future (no future financial support) unless he respects you always (never to disrespect you). It is not too much to ask of a person you financially support (or plan on financially supporting) to respect you, is it?
anitaOctober 24, 2022 at 11:21 am #408986AnonymousGuest
I am well aware of the taboo- in some cultures more than in others- in regard to an adult child (no matter how old) asserting himself when it comes to a disrespectful parent. The expectation is that an adult child submits to disrespect and abuse from a parent and financially support the parent no matter how they behave (and for the rest of your/ their lives, like a slave). It takes great courage to defy this taboo and resist this expectation.
anitaOctober 24, 2022 at 9:17 pm #409016
I thought about what you said and you’re not entirely wrong but I’m on holidays with my family and I think it’s just my father’s own triggers and traumas maybe? I can see that he’s somehow trying to blend in with me. And it’s just that kind of culture I grew up in we don’t disrespect elders but they can disrespect us. But not intentionally
Now think about this if my father is not able to aware about what’s actually triggering him or actually he thinks he’s right. His intention aren’t wrong and I do think that he have soft spot for me as well. He’s just doesn’t have EQ that we have. And the thing is that if I disrespect him it would just hurt him more. Which I don’t want to do.
About the financial support as an eldest son it’s my responsibility to support my family. And that’s just like a unwritten rule but it’s there and I’m not against it. Because I know I’m able to provide that and I don’t have a problem with that. Although I decided I’ll give specific amount every month like that I don’t have to worry about how much and what not.. Because I also have my own goals to accomplishOctober 24, 2022 at 9:20 pm #409017
Like if I do same thing he’s doing to me what’s différence between me and him?
I’m just not someone who wanna hurt people intentionallyOctober 25, 2022 at 7:29 am #409023AnonymousGuest
“His intentions aren’t wrong and I do think that he has a soft spot for me as well“- if you had a child, a little boy, who trusts you and looks up to you (Addy) for love and protection, would you let your father (your boy’s grandfather) criticize your son like he criticized you, day after day (or once in a while), for as long as your father does it without the intention to hurt your boy, and for as long as he also has a soft spot for your child (between the criticisms)?
“And the thing is that if I disrespect him it would just hurt him more… Like if I do same thing he’s doing to me what’s difference between me and him?“- if you had a child, and you cared about your innocent child not being harmed (more than you cared about your father’s feelings), you would be different from your father, a different kind of father, and in a good way, wouldn’t you?
About your father’s intentions: when he was angry at you (“he’d get furious and scold me… angry for no reason”), I am sure that he did not have the intention to hurt you long-term: to the extent that you will not have an irl relationship with a woman, and/ or to the extent that you will not be able to financially support him when he gets older. But of course he had the intention to hurt your feelings. I say of course, because naturally, when people and other animals feel anger, they have the intention to hurt the object of their anger. The intention to hurt is inherent in anger.
anitaOctober 27, 2022 at 9:53 am #409131
How’s your morning going?
“If you had a child, a little boy, who trusts you and looks up to you (Addy) for love and protection, would you let your father (your boy’s grandfather) criticize your son like he criticized you, day after day (or once in a while), for as long as your father does it without the intention to hurt your boy, and for as long as he also has a soft spot for your child (between the criticisms)?”
No obviously not. Because I am aware of it and thing is that back in the days, I had this kind of thing like, I thought that he is doing this just to like to teach me like how to do like things “perfectly” I am not sure… Because that’s how he was raised Like you should be doing things “perfectly”
if you had a child, and you cared about your innocent child not being harmed (more than you cared about your father’s feelings), you would be different from your father, a different kind of father, and in a good way, wouldn’t you?
Yes obviously I would be different. I want to break this pattern and start the healthier pattern because I’m aware of it and I’ll try my best for that
because naturally, when people and other animals feel anger, they have the intention to hurt the object of their anger. The intention to hurt is inherent in anger.
Hmm Yes right I’m starting to accept different people with it’s different kind of abilities and inabilitiesOctober 27, 2022 at 11:20 am #409135AnonymousGuest
Good afternoon (your time, is it?), Addy! I asked you in regard to you having a little boy, if you would criticize him the way your father criticized you, and you answered that you wouldn’t, and that you would be a different kind of father to your boy, a better kind.
“I want to break this pattern and start the healthier pattern because I’m aware of it and I’ll try my best for that“- break the pattern today and every day by not permitting your father to criticize you and target his anger at you. After all, a whole lot of the boy that you were is still there. Emotionally, you are still that boy, and underneath your adult style and almost-indifference to how your father treats you, there still is that hurt boy who cares, the boy whose love and trust was betrayed.
You wrote earlier: “my father is not able to aware… He’s just doesn’t have EQ that we have“- well, he is a civil engineer and he understands logic, right? Then educate him: tell him that when he criticizes you, he is hurting your productivity, and not helping at all. Tell him that you love him and you want to financially support him (and your mother) and therefore, you need his help: to stop criticizing you and to stop directing his anger at you. In other words, tell him that you need him to be nice…. as nice as he is to some people in his life (there are such people, right? Neighbors, co-workers or supervisors at work?).
Or did you already educate him but he didn’t care to be educated by… whom he perceives to be inferior to him?