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  • #413069
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,
    Thanks for your wishes

    Do you make new year resolutions every year?

    if your parents judge you, you won’t judge yourself. In other words, to have compassion for yourself, even if your parents don’t.

    Yes, that is what I’m trying to do but it’s no easy thing to be honest

     

    Right.. so your inner critic took over the judgemental attitude of your parents and is pushing you to perform faster, better…. An image comes to mind of you being like a jockey, pushing and hitting your horse to run faster and faster… and being angry at him if he cannot run so fast.

    Yes kind of like that. You understood the situation so well

     

    Which means you’re not compassionate with yourself when it comes to learning new skills and your job performance in general.

    Remember when I told you that I believe in action-oriented things? So It’s because of this, otherwise I just dwell in overthinking about outcomes, and it takes lot of time and drain my energy as well. Although it still happens sometimes

     

     Maybe you wanted to move away from your parents’ relentless judgment… 

    Maybe yes.. That time first thing I wanted was Freedom which I have now and I’m really appreciating it. And If I didn’t moved out I don’t think I’d be developed this much as per mindset.

    Because my parents are overprotective. For example I started swimming classes and after a week I’ve told them but at village in my teenage years they be like don’t go inside deep water and do this and that and me and my siblings weren’t allowed to go swimming without my cousin who’s an expert swimmer, but I didn’t learned swimming like that. Even when I started swimming lessons, they asked hundreds of questions. If I’m getting watery eyes, Water is too cold and blah blah.. But finally I’ve learned swimming because My parents weren’t around me to stop.

     

    Just this weekend my uncle and his family came to visit and stayed for 2 days. With his wife and a little boy and I noticed the same thing. No freedom. Kite festival is around the corner but my uncle and aunt is too much concerned about the little hand cuts (Only if he’s too much careless) So they didn’t allow him to play with kites. I feel for that kid.

     

    So the thing that I noticed is that first of all even parents are not believing in their kids that they can handle themselves and making them feel more dependent or not enough, which is kind of true reality for lot of families here nowadays.

     

    But the thing is that by that time your inner critic had already soaked in their judgments, and so you’ve become your own worst critic. Even if your parents are (or seem) much milder nowadays, it is you who is pushing yourself hard…

    Yes I agree with this. That’s why I’m trying to be mindful about my inner voice now even though nowadays it’s keep telling what’s next? what are you doing?

     

     

     

    #413079
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    Do you make new year resolutions every year?

    No, I’ve stopped doing that long ago. I used to, but I’ve never followed through, so it was pointless. Just recently I’ve watched a Henry Cloud video, where he said that unless we don’t change anything in our routine, what difference will a flip of the calendar make?

    The way I see it, New Year’s resolutions sound good in theory, because we’re beginning a new year, with all those possibilities in front of us. But we’ll need to introduce some changes (first in our mindset, and then in our routine too) if we really want those goals to come true.

    Yes, that is what I’m trying to do but it’s no easy thing to be honest

    When is it the hardest for you to be compassionate with yourself? Maybe if you can give me an example?

    Remember when I told you that I believe in action-oriented things? So It’s because of this, otherwise I just dwell in overthinking about outcomes, and it takes lot of time and drain my energy as well. Although it still happens sometimes

    So if I understood you well, you are action-oriented and strive to implement new things ASAP, without too much thinking about it and analyzing it in advance, because if you do, you’ll end up overthinking and it will drain your energy. Is this what you’re saying? So you just plunge into it right away, and see what happens?

    If so, it’s not necessarily a bad strategy. You can be action-oriented and still compassionate with yourself. For example, you can tell yourself something like “okay, let’s try introducing the employees’ feedback box and see how they like it”. You’re kind of curious and relaxed about the outcome.

    But if you say to yourself “I want to learn how to be a great leader by the end of the month, and I need to introduce the employee’s feedback box and all these other novelties, because that should help me become a great leader in 30 days” – well that would be putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I don’t know what your attitude is, but perhaps it’s something similar to the latter?

    Maybe yes.. That time first thing I wanted was Freedom which I have now and I’m really appreciating it. And If I didn’t moved out I don’t think I’d be developed this much as per mindset.

    Because my parents are overprotective. For example I started swimming classes and after a week I’ve told them but at village in my teenage years they be like don’t go inside deep water and do this and that and me and my siblings weren’t allowed to go swimming without my cousin who’s an expert swimmer, but I didn’t learned swimming like that. Even when I started swimming lessons, they asked hundreds of questions. If I’m getting watery eyes, Water is too cold and blah blah.. But finally I’ve learned swimming because My parents weren’t around me to stop.

    I see… so your motivation was to be free both from their judgment, but also from their constraints and limitations. They were overprotective, they tried to stop you from learning new things, because they were afraid for your safety. And too afraid indeed, because you weren’t trying to do anything dangerous or reckless, but you were simply trying to learn how to swim – and you took swimming classes. You weren’t trying to learn to swim alone, in a lake or a river, without anyone to oversee you. But they were still afraid…

    I can relate because my mother refused to buy me a bike, because she was afraid I’d get overrun by a car… And so I’ve never learned how to ride a bike in my childhood, and it got ever more difficult as I got older. I did try it as an adult but never got good at bike riding… because of my mother’s fears.

    So the thing that I noticed is that first of all even parents are not believing in their kids that they can handle themselves and making them feel more dependent or not enough, which is kind of true reality for lot of families here nowadays.

    You’re right, many parents fear for their kids, to the point of being overprotective and stifling their child’s growth and development. My mother was certainly like that, and I myself was quite an anxious child too, so I stayed by my mother’s side rather than venturing out to explore the world…

    Luckily, you were a different type. You didn’t allow yourself to get intimidated by them. You ventured out on your own, and dared to try many new things.

    Yes I agree with this. That’s why I’m trying to be mindful about my inner voice now even though nowadays it’s keep telling what’s next? what are you doing?

    I wonder if the push to always try new things and never give yourself a break is in part related to your fear of being “subdued” and made dependent/controlled by your parents? A subconscious fear that if you don’t keep moving, they’ll catch up with you and “restrain” you and you’ll lose your freedom?

     

    #413172
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,
    How are you?

    So today in my YouTube dashboard One of the Henry Cloud’s video showed up and It really lightened me up. “These Stages Will Help You Change Emotionally Unhealthy Patterns” in this video I’ve realize one of the things about my impatience.
    In that he talks about that Realizing that you need to work on your emotional health and you’re already within the supportive group (Thanks to you as well) Which makes You already way down the road. It’s a progress and he gives an example about an oak tree. Like we can’t directly grow a tree. So we have to surrender to the progress first. Planting the seed, taking care and gardening.etc
    Which helps for quickly and “NOW” pressure.

     where he said that unless we don’t change anything in our routine, what difference will a flip of the calendar make?  

    So True and since we’re habitual creatures it’s not easy to change habits without good enough reason

     

    When is it the hardest for you to be compassionate with yourself? Maybe if you can give me an example?

    Hmm I’m not sure about this. And To be honest I don’t have an actual idea how to be really compassionate with myself because most of the time I put other’s need first, Even though I know that this isn’t good for me. Also sometimes I need answers to questions going on my head right away even though it’s a complex questions. Which makes me overthinking and criticizing myself even more.

    Remember that you told me about making mistakes? so yeah it’s also there as well
    But the some of the things does helping me that I’m trying
    Like treating myself like I’m my own best friend

    Being Mindful
    And I’m not in need of validation from others

    So if I understood you well, you are action-oriented and strive to implement new things ASAP, without too much thinking about it and analyzing it in advance, because if you do, you’ll end up overthinking and it will drain your energy. Is this what you’re saying? So you just plunge into it right away, and see what happens?

    I do analyze it like a quick analysis and implement it

     

    I want to learn how to be a great leader by the end of the month, and I need to introduce the employee’s feedback box and all these other novelties, because that should help me become a great leader in 30 days” – well that would be putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I don’t know what your attitude is, but perhaps it’s something similar to the latter?

    Yes I know that well that being a great leader takes time. But even though in few months I feel like I worked a lot on my soft skills I’m still not proud of myself and still wanting more and more… You know what I mean?

     

    You’re kind of curious and relaxed about the outcome.

    This is what I’m trying for yet still sometimes even though I’m sure that it’s not a big deal still I get worried little things for no reason

    And too afraid indeed, because you weren’t trying to do anything dangerous or reckless,

    Okay so about that, I was doing some things in my childhood that my parents considered reckless. Eg. Skipping my primary school classes sometimes to see lion in the green fields of my village. Or just foxes or deer. But with group of people obviously not all alone. Because It was really exciting for me. I’ve literally seen how lioness gave birth to a lion cub and I still remember that moment vividly.
    Another time I was crazy enough to walk down on the unknown road for 12kms just because I wanted to find out where it goes because there wasn’t any sign and I asked one man there what’s there and he laughed and told me why you don’t find out? because I don’ know, So I walked but luckily at the evening time another man from my village was there and he got me back home safely.

    My father was furious, and my mom was crying. = more restrictions for me

    I was around 8-9 years old that time.

     

    I can relate because my mother refused to buy me a bike, because she was afraid I’d get overrun by a car… And so I’ve never learned how to ride a bike in my childhood, and it got ever more difficult as I got older. I did try it as an adult but never got good at bike riding… because of my mother’s fears.

    Oh same thing happened to me for motorcycle. I was last of my siblings to learn a motorcycle because my father was like you can’t learn as your little brother did. My little brother also learned car driving and I’m still not motivated enough to learn driving a car.

    But yeah one thing I excel is bicycling. I love it. It gives me more fun vibes. I still listen to classic songs wearing earphones and go for a bicycle ride instead of evening walk sometimes. So if you want you can try to learn again

     

    My mother was certainly like that, and I myself was quite an anxious child too, so I stayed by my mother’s side rather than venturing out to explore the world…

    And what about now? Now you have curiosity to explore or you’re already tired?

     

    Luckily, you were a different type. You didn’t allow yourself to get intimidated by them. You ventured out on your own, and dared to try many new things.

    Haha yeah one thing I’m proud of!

    I wonder if the push to always try new things and never give yourself a break is in part related to your fear of being “subdued” and made dependent/controlled by your parents? A subconscious fear that if you don’t keep moving, they’ll catch up with you and “restrain” you and you’ll lose your freedom?

    Hmm I’m not actually worried about losing my freedom because I’m really independent now and my parents knows well about my freedom mindset. But maybe I still have to look deeper about what I’m grateful for and actually be happy about it. Instead of running for one goal to another.

     

    Also another things I want to tell you

    One little kitten started to come to my place frequently so she’s kind of my pet now. Even though I don’t know much about taking care of cats I’m loving this 😀

     

    Another thing, So There’s this girl, few months ago and she wanted to be in relationship with me and I told her no and after that we were just talking sometimes. Like two times a week or even less. Nothing Romantic.
    But since she told me she found a boyfriend I don’t know why I feel confused. I mean I know well why I told her no because I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I don’t know that why is it happening like it’s the intimacy that I’m craving or it’s just sexual frustration or something else?

    #413173
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Also, how you can make text color blue here?

    #413280
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    How are you?

    I’m having some health issues that have surfaced only recently, in the last couple of weeks or so, and which do worry me. I am looking for treatment options and hoping for the best. Please don’t ask me about the details, I don’t feel like sharing too much about it at this point. But thank you for inquiring about my well-being, I do appreciate it.

    I am glad you found some peace of mind in that Henry Cloud’s video. Yes, you’re already doing a lot – realizing your issues, asking for help (both here and in therapy), and making concrete steps, practicing new things, slowly but surely changing your approach.

    Slowly but surely becoming more compassionate with yourself, by “treating myself like I’m my own best friend, Being Mindful, And I’m not in need of validation from others“. I mean, if you treat yourself like you’re your own best friend, that’s pretty self-compassionate.

    However, as you say, there is another part of you, who is impatient, pushing yourself to do more and better every single day. This part is also frustrated and judging you if you don’t perform, i.e. meet your own high and impossible standards (in few months I feel like I worked a lot on my soft skills I’m still not proud of myself and still wanting more and more). That’s the inner critic. Your inner critic seems like a drill sergeant, pushing you to do more and more, not allowing you to take any rest.

    This inner critic/drill sergeant is never happy with your performance. Even though you’ve only started working 2-3 months ago, and are the youngest manager in your company, and have started working on your soft skills and even implemented some employees-friendly measures in your department – the drill sergeant is still not happy. He is pushing you to do more and faster!

    He is one cruel guy, isn’t he? And I hope you can see that you can never please this guy. You’ll never be good enough for him.

    What you need is to strengthen the compassionate, good parent part, who will tell the drill sergeant to back off. Who will protect you from his demands, his cruelty and his lack of empathy. You are already developing this compassionate part, and your goal is to strengthen it further.

    So each time when you hear the voice telling you “this isn’t enough, this is so far from where you need to be, you need to speed things up, you’re such a disappointment…” – you need to tell him to BACK OFF. Like a good parent would protect his child from a bully, you need to protect yourself from this bully in your head. You need to stop listening to him.

    If the army analogy resonates with you, you can even imagine that this empathic guy, who will put the drill sergeant in his place, is someone higher in rank (a colonel, lieutenant or general – if I understood the military ranks correctly 🙂 ). So a colonel might tell the drill sergeant to back off and leave you alone. Or, if you don’t like the military analogy, you can come up with another person you admire, who is a kind, warm and empathic father figure.

    I was doing some things in my childhood that my parents considered reckless. Eg. Skipping my primary school classes sometimes to see lion in the green fields of my village. Or just foxes or deer. But with group of people obviously not all alone. Because It was really exciting for me. I’ve literally seen how lioness gave birth to a lion cub and I still remember that moment vividly.
    Another time I was crazy enough to walk down on the unknown road for 12kms just because I wanted to find out where it goes because there wasn’t any sign and I asked one man there what’s there and he laughed and told me why you don’t find out? because I don’ know, So I walked but luckily at the evening time another man from my village was there and he got me back home safely.

    My father was furious, and my mom was crying. = more restrictions for me

    I was around 8-9 years old that time.

    Okay, I understand your parents’ concern – they didn’t know where you were the whole afternoon, and it was already evening when you came back! They were very scared. Women when they are afraid usually cry (like your mother did), and men usually get angry (like your father did). So your parents’ reaction was kind of normal…

    But I wonder if you knew that they would be worried and went to explore anyway, or you thought there wouldn’t be any consequences? Or your curiosity was stronger and you couldn’t stop yourself, even if you knew your parents would be worried?

    Hmm I’m not actually worried about losing my freedom because I’m really independent now and my parents knows well about my freedom mindset.

    Alright, good that your parents accepted your freedom mindset. This freedom mindset, if I am interpreting correctly, also includes your desire for exploration and trying out new things, right? It’s a healthy attitude, and in some spiritual teachings it’s called the expansive principle, which is necessary for growth. The problem is if we take it to the extreme by e.g. doing reckless things, which might endanger our life and our health. Or if we work ourselves to death and never rest, all in the name of  “expansion”, growth and excellence.

    You see what I mean? Too much expansion can be bad… unless we balance it with self-care, nurturance, rest, tending to what we have, rather than thinking of new acquisitions all the time. This other principle is called the contracting principle, and it’s a necessary force in the universe, otherwise things would blow apart. We are in harmony when both principles are in harmony within us, neither of them overly dominating. Alright, maybe this is too much philosophy, but I am mentioning it anyway, in case you find it helpful…

    But maybe I still have to look deeper about what I’m grateful for and actually be happy about it. Instead of running for one goal to another.

    Yes, being grateful and happy for what you have is maybe the best antidote for the overly expansive and acquisition-oriented mindset.

    One little kitten started to come to my place frequently so she’s kind of my pet now. Even though I don’t know much about taking care of cats I’m loving this

    That’s sweet! Just give her (or leave her) some food, she’ll sure come again!

    So There’s this girl, few months ago and she wanted to be in relationship with me and I told her no and after that we were just talking sometimes. Like two times a week or even less. Nothing Romantic.

    Were you talking to her while you were in a LDR with another girl? You’ve mentioned some problems in your current LDR – are you still with that girl?

    Also, how you can make text color blue here?

    You mark the text you want to quote, and you press the quote button (third from the left) in the task bar.

     

    #413306
    anita
    Participant

    * Please forgive my interruption-

    Dear Tee, as I shared earlier, I read all your posts, and I read the most recent, here and elsewhere. I am genuinely concerned about your health and well-being. I so very much want you to be well!  My thoughts and my heart is with you!!!

    anita

    #413319
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hello Tee,

    I’m having some health issues that have surfaced only recently, in the last couple of weeks or so, and which do worry me. I am looking for treatment options and hoping for the best. Please don’t ask me about the details, I don’t feel like sharing too much about it at this point. But thank you for inquiring about my well-being, I do appreciate it.

     

    Oh I’m sorry to hear that. And it’s okay if you’re not comfortable about the details. Due to my reckless behaviour sometimes, I do have good experience about hospitals and treatments and one thing I strongly believe in is HOPE. And there’s always a way. So I hope you’ll be alright.

     

    I am glad you found some peace of mind in that Henry Cloud’s video. Yes, you’re already doing a lot – realizing your issues, asking for help (both here and in therapy), and making concrete steps, practicing new things, slowly but surely changing your approach.

    Yes I’m glad for that. I honestly believe things are working out for me and I can feel the change. Before I was holding tight on beliefs that I had which didn’t let me make progress even though I wanted to. But since I realized that having work on something doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, Not all are perfect and we all have to work on ourselves, improving. To be more Being You. So I highly appreciate you and all the people who helped and helping me for being ME.

     

    What you need is to strengthen the compassionate, good parent part, who will tell the drill sergeant to back off. Who will protect you from his demands, his cruelty and his lack of empathy. You are already developing this compassionate part, and your goal is to strengthen it further.

    So each time when you hear the voice telling you “this isn’t enough, this is so far from where you need to be, you need to speed things up, you’re such a disappointment…” – you need to tell him to BACK OFF. Like a good parent would protect his child from a bully, you need to protect yourself from this bully in your head. You need to stop listening to him.

    If the army analogy resonates with you, you can even imagine that this empathic guy, who will put the drill sergeant in his place, is someone higher in rank (a colonel, lieutenant or general – if I understood the military ranks correctly). So a colonel might tell the drill sergeant to back off and leave you alone. Or, if you don’t like the military analogy, you can come up with another person you admire, who is a kind, warm and empathic father figure.

     

    Thanks for the really good example and analogy. You’re right I think that would help a lot for strengthen my compassion.  I might have an idea for this. I watch a lot of anime so I’ll try to find a good guiding figure which I admire. (I’m thinking about Uncle Iroh from Avatar but I’ll research more)

     

    But I wonder if you knew that they would be worried and went to explore anyway, or you thought there wouldn’t be any consequences? Or your curiosity was stronger and you couldn’t stop yourself, even if you knew your parents would be worried?

     

    Hmm As far as I remember I think my curiosity was stronger. And for consequences I thought what can happen? I kind of had that confidence that I wouldn’t die and I’ll be saved no matter what

    some spiritual teachings it’s called the expansive principle, which is necessary for growth. The problem is if we take it to the extreme by e.g. doing reckless things, which might endanger our life and our health. Or if we work ourselves to death and never rest, all in the name of  “expansion”, growth and excellence.

    You see what I mean? Too much expansion can be bad… unless we balance it with self-care, nurturance, rest, tending to what we have, rather than thinking of new acquisitions all the time. This other principle is called the contracting principle, and it’s a necessary force in the universe, otherwise things would blow apart. We are in harmony when both principles are in harmony within us, neither of them overly dominating. Alright, maybe this is too much philosophy, but I am mentioning it anyway, in case you find it helpful…

     

    That’s really interesting and indeed a good balance example. I actually love philosophy so don’t worry haha.. I’ll research for those terms in details because I do frequently think about the new acquisitions otherwise, I feel like I’m behind and not learning or doing enough

    That’s sweet! Just give her (or leave her) some food, she’ll sure come again!

    She’s mostly spending her time at my place anyways haha. Currently she’s sleeping on my lap.

     

    Were you talking to her while you were in a LDR with another girl?

    No.

    You’ve mentioned some problems in your current LDR – are you still with that girl?

    No, I think you misunderstood. I also limited that relationship only for friendship. Because after giving a thought I want a more physical relationship not where I have to spend much time on texting but doing activities together. But Nowadays I’m just more focused with my career too. But I’m thinking about starting dating. I think I need that otherwise I’d be just too introvert around woman face to face. And another thing is that LDR or In-Person relationships I’ve never proposed any woman so…

    #413320
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you so much for your concern and your kind words. I do appreciate it. I am going to see a doctor next week and hopefully will get directions about treatment and prospects. I am hoping it will get better…

     

    #413321
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    thank you for your kind words and optimism. I agree that hope is the most important, and it’s also true that due to some bad luck (health-wise) in the past 3 years, I am starting to be less optimistic, and it’s a problem. But I am trying to be hopeful and really believe that things will turn out for the best now…

    I honestly believe things are working out for me and I can feel the change. Before I was holding tight on beliefs that I had which didn’t let me make progress even though I wanted to. But since I realized that having work on something doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, Not all are perfect and we all have to work on ourselves, improving. To be more Being You. So I highly appreciate you and all the people who helped and helping me for being ME.

    This is so well said, SereneWolf: that the need for self-improvement is a natural need, and it doesn’t mean you’re a failure if there are things you need to work on. I like how you phrased it: that improvement means Being more of You. I am glad I could help you in that process – of becoming more of who you really are.

    Thanks for the really good example and analogy. You’re right I think that would help a lot for strengthen my compassion. I might have an idea for this. I watch a lot of anime so I’ll try to find a good guiding figure which I admire. (I’m thinking about Uncle Iroh from Avatar but I’ll research more)

    Good! I don’t know this character, but a well-meaning, kind uncle is definitely a good father figure 🙂

    Hmm As far as I remember I think my curiosity was stronger. And for consequences I thought what can happen? I kind of had that confidence that I wouldn’t die and I’ll be saved no matter what

    I meant consequences of getting punished by your parents, or simply your parents worrying sick?

    It’s good you weren’t a fearful child and you had faith that you’d be saved, no matter what. But as I said, it’s better not to provoke destiny by doing reckless things… How is it now? Are you a fan of extreme sports or not so much?

    That’s really interesting and indeed a good balance example. I actually love philosophy so don’t worry haha.. I’ll research for those terms in details because I do frequently think about the new acquisitions otherwise, I feel like I’m behind and not learning or doing enough

    Glad you liked it. I think the expansive and the contracting force can also be called yin and yang, i.e. the feminine and the masculine principle. Too much masculine leads to too much expansion and acquisition, which are unsustainable. Too much feminine leads to stagnation, paralysis, decay…

    She’s mostly spending her time at my place anyways haha. Currently she’s sleeping on my lap.

    Oh so you practically adopted her? That’s nice! 🙂

    No, I think you misunderstood. I also limited that relationship only for friendship. Because after giving a thought I want a more physical relationship not where I have to spend much time on texting but doing activities together.

    I knew you were considering it, but didn’t know you have actually broken up with your LD girlfriend in the meanwhile.

    But I’m thinking about starting dating. I think I need that otherwise I’d be just too introvert around woman face to face. And another thing is that LDR or In-Person relationships I’ve never proposed any woman so…

    You mean you want to start online dating again? Perhaps limit it to girls from your area, so you can actually meet in person too. But as we’ve talked about it before, I guess there is also a fear of intimacy there, so a part of you doesn’t really want to get too close, including being in physical vicinity either?

    Before starting dating, I’d work on this fear of intimacy, best in therapy. Because if you don’t, you might bump into the same problems again…

     

    #413437
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    thank you for your kind words and optimism. I agree that hope is the most important, and it’s also true that due to some bad luck (health-wise) in the past 3 years, I am starting to be less optimistic, and it’s a problem. But I am trying to be hopeful and really believe that things will turn out for the best now…

    I can understand when we don’t see good in particular thing for a while we tend to lose hope. I’ve been through that. Times like this I’d like to remember myself Buddha’s quote – Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles. And another thing you should remind yourself that you’re already taking care of your body in best way possible.

     

    I am glad I could help you in that process – of becoming more of who you really are.

    Well as they say – We don’t meet anyone by an accident

     

    Good! I don’t know this character, but a well-meaning, kind uncle is definitely a good father figure

    Haha even if you don’t know the character you just described him well. You can also search Uncle Iroh philosophy. I think you’d like it

     

    I meant consequences of getting punished by your parents, or simply your parents worrying sick?

    My mom never gets angry at me. As for my father at that time I knew even little thing could make him angry. So I was like I’ll face him or just hear his few words…

     

    It’s good you weren’t a fearful child and you had faith that you’d be saved, no matter what. But as I said, it’s better not to provoke destiny by doing reckless things… How is it now? Are you a fan of extreme sports or not so much?

    Thankfully I’m not into extreme sports and I’m not being reckless like my teenage years. But I love wandering in nature and hiking. And for hiking sometimes I do push my body limits quite a lot. But even that with being mindful like when I’m 99% sure that my body is able to take this.

    Glad you liked it. I think the expansive and the contracting force can also be called yin and yang, i.e. the feminine and the masculine principle. Too much masculine leads to too much expansion and acquisition, which are unsustainable. Too much feminine leads to stagnation, paralysis, decay…

    I’ve did some research and I’m not surprised even that for balancing they’re saying mindfulness comes first, after that body health and being in nature. Which all 3 I’m doing every day. But I know there’s more than that so

    Oh so you practically adopted her? That’s nice!

    There’s just something different about pet love. I already feel like I love her more than any of my previous girlfriends 😂

    I knew you were considering it, but didn’t know you have actually broken up with your LD girlfriend in the meanwhile.

    I’ve broken up just after a week I wrote.

    You mean you want to start online dating again? Perhaps limit it to girls from your area, so you can actually meet in person too. But as we’ve talked about it before, I guess there is also a fear of intimacy there, so a part of you doesn’t really want to get too close, including being in physical vicinity either?

    Before starting dating, I’d work on this fear of intimacy, best in therapy. Because if you don’t, you might bump into the same problems again…

     

    Online and offline both. Of course, around my area. But in February or March I’m moving to another city so I’ll plan it like that.
    You’re right but again I’ll be taking this as experimentations and see how my emotions are reacting to all of this and then proceed if I like her “a lot.” Otherwise just move on. In relationships I think I learned how to not get attached quickly and move on before it’s too late. Thanks to equanimity.

    #413572
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    Times like this I’d like to remember myself Buddha’s quote – Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.

    I like the quote, but it’s apparently not something that Buddha said, but Charlie Chaplin. I hope it’s still true 🙂

    You can also search Uncle Iroh philosophy. I think you’d like it

    I’ve looked him up: it says he is a retired army general, and a wise mentor to his nephew. Also, that he loved playing with his son when he was little. So yes, a playful, kind general seems like a perfect candidate for a positive father figure 🙂

    My mom never gets angry at me. As for my father at that time I knew even little thing could make him angry. So I was like I’ll face him or just hear his few words…

    Didn’t you say earlier that your father used to yell at you for 2-3 hours in a row, even for little things like not handing him the proper tool? So it wasn’t just a few words?

    Thankfully I’m not into extreme sports and I’m not being reckless like my teenage years. But I love wandering in nature and hiking. And for hiking sometimes I do push my body limits quite a lot. But even that with being mindful like when I’m 99% sure that my body is able to take this.

    Good to hear you’re not into reckless things! It’s okay to push yourself sometimes a little, as long as you don’t put yourself in a high-risk situations, like climbing high mountains in winter, or climbing frozen waterfalls (an acquaintance of mine is doing just that!).

    There’s just something different about pet love. I already feel like I love her more than any of my previous girlfriends

    Well, it could be that you feel safer with a pet than with a girlfriend because the pet can’t judge you? I wonder how safe and comfortable you felt in your previous relationships? I mean, did you feel you can be yourself completely or you felt you needed to pretend in some way?

    I’ll be taking this as experimentations and see how my emotions are reacting to all of this and then proceed if I like her “a lot.” Otherwise just move on.

    You talked about the pattern that you’ve noticed in yourself: that at first you might like her “a lot”, write poems etc, and then if she reciprocates, you get cold feet, i.e. you start feeling trapped. So if this is your pattern, you might end up moving on even if you really like the girl in the beginning. What I am trying to say that if you don’t work on your fear of intimacy, you might be repeating the same pattern again and again…

    In relationships I think I learned how to not get attached quickly and move on before it’s too late.

    Hm.. if I understood your pattern well, you get attached very quickly (writing poems etc), but then you get afraid of your attachment (and I guess your strong feelings for the girl), and you start feeling trapped. You don’t want to feel so dependent and needy, and so you start cooling down and distancing yourself? At least that’s how I understood you so far.

     

    #413573
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    I think I’ve made a mistake: you didn’t say that your father used to yell at you for 2-3 hours in a row, did you? I think I read it in another member’s post, but not in yours. Sorry about that.

    #413618
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    How are you feeling today?

    Have you already visited the doctor?

     

    I like the quote, but it’s apparently not something that Buddha said, but Charlie Chaplin. I hope it’s still true

    Lol I think I read it in some article like years ago since then I was like it’s Buddha who said this but thanks for clarifying

     kind general seems like a perfect candidate for a positive father figure

    Yup Definitely. I love the way he mentors his nephew (Prince Zuko), My fav scene is when Uncle Iroh says to his nephew “IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO LOOK INWARD AND START ASKING YOURSELF THE BIG QUESTION: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?” because his Nephew wanted a validation and respect from his father (Fire Lord) so he thought The mission his father gave it’s his destiny, and he was working so hard towards it. So that’s why Uncle Iroh also tells him “THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A LIFE OF PEACE AND PROSPERITY.”

     

    as long as you don’t put yourself in a high-risk situations, like climbing high mountains in winter, or climbing frozen waterfalls (an acquaintance of mine is doing just that!).

    I think little risk taking is good for that adrenaline to go on sometimes. Just to makes me feel more alive. Climbing frozen waterfalls?? Well that does sound tricky. Have you tried anything like that before?

    I wonder how safe and comfortable you felt in your previous relationships? I mean, did you feel you can be yourself completely or you felt you needed to pretend in some way?

    I wouldn’t say 100% safe. Because I did had trust issues and I wouldn’t just open up to anyone. So it was like being comfortable as the time goes. But in my first relationship I did feel like I had to pretend the strong and understanding type in every way possible.

    But being totally yourself in the starting is even possible? You know what I mean? It’s just not easy to describe

    You talked about the pattern that you’ve noticed in yourself: that at first you might like her “a lot”, write poems etc, and then if she reciprocates, you get cold feet, i.e. you start feeling trapped. So if this is your pattern, you might end up moving on even if you really like the girl in the beginning. What I am trying to say that if you don’t work on your fear of intimacy, you might be repeating the same pattern again and again…

     

    Right I know I have to work on my fear of intimacy.. maybe that’s why I don’t feel so deep in relationships? But like what could be other options available for me? I mean for experimentation like without being with someone how can I work on fear of intimacy? And it’s not like I’m already planning to find a life-partner. You can take this as like fear of commitment too 😆

     

    Hm.. if I understood your pattern well, you get attached very quickly (writing poems etc), but then you get afraid of your attachment (and I guess your strong feelings for the girl), and you start feeling trapped. You don’t want to feel so dependent and needy, and so you start cooling down and distancing yourself? At least that’s how I understood you so far.

    Ohh I haven’t thought of it this way… But it could be..

     

    #413631
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    I am a little better and a little more optimistic, thank you for asking. Having a doctor appointment tomorrow, so we’ll see…

    My fav scene is when Uncle Iroh says to his nephew “IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO LOOK INWARD AND START ASKING YOURSELF THE BIG QUESTION: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?” because his Nephew wanted a validation and respect from his father (Fire Lord) so he thought The mission his father gave it’s his destiny, and he was working so hard towards it. So that’s why Uncle Iroh also tells him “THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A LIFE OF PEACE AND PROSPERITY.”

    He did tell him some wise things indeed. I guess his words – to find out who you are and follow your own path – are an inspiration to you too?

    I think little risk taking is good for that adrenaline to go on sometimes. Just to makes me feel more alive. Climbing frozen waterfalls?? Well that does sound tricky. Have you tried anything like that before?

    Haha, no way. I am anxious person, with plenty of adrenaline and cortisol in my system, so no need to feel more alive by scaring myself to death 🙂

    I wouldn’t say 100% safe. Because I did had trust issues and I wouldn’t just open up to anyone. So it was like being comfortable as the time goes. But in my first relationship I did feel like I had to pretend the strong and understanding type in every way possible.

    So in your first relationship, you were pretending to be perfect, and she was pretending that she likes all the things you do, so you would like her better? I mean, that’s what I’ve gleaned from what you’ve shared about her.

    If so, it seems both of you were pretending…. and eventually you broke it off. So perhaps it can be a lesson for you: that if you pretend, or both of you pretend to be something you’re not, it doesn’t end well, and it’s not even attractive to you. That honesty and authenticity is much better, even if it might feel scary at first.

    But being totally yourself in the starting is even possible? You know what I mean? It’s just not easy to describe

    Well, you don’t need to tell her all your deepest secrets on your first date. You need to take it slow and see how she responds to something honest and vulnerable (i.e. less than perfect) that you share about yourself. If she doesn’t like you being honest, or she cannot really empathize with you, that’s a big red flag. But if she can, and she is also sharing about herself, and there’s a mutual understanding (rather than criticism, mocking, feeling superior or inferior to the other…) – that’s a very good sign.

    But like what could be other options available for me? I mean for experimentation like without being with someone how can I work on fear of intimacy?

    You’ve already had several failed relationships, so you know your patterns. Perhaps you’re also aware of what contributed to the breakup, and even what is your responsibility in it? If you know your patterns and your fears, you could talk about it in therapy and try to work on it, rather than take those same patterns and fears into a new relationship.

    I’ve just watched a video by Henry Cloud, where he said: “What’s going to be new and different this time other than you wanting it to be new and different?” I think it can be applied it to relationships too: If you haven’t worked on those fears, or false beliefs or whatever – what is going to be different in your next relationship, other than you wanting it to be different? You know what I mean?

     

    #413709
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    I am a little better and a little more optimistic, thank you for asking. Having a doctor appointment tomorrow, so we’ll see…

    I’m glad to know that, I believe you’ve visited the doctor by now?

    He did tell him some wise things indeed. I guess his words – to find out who you are and follow your own path – are an inspiration to you too?

    Yes I strongly believing in creating in my own path instead of walking on others path that they’ve created. doesn’t matter how great they were

     

    Haha, no way. I am anxious person, with plenty of adrenaline and cortisol in my system, so no need to feel more alive by scaring myself to death

    You literally just made an anxiety joke 😂 But I’m telling you, you can try with very small things first. Maybe it would be helpful for your anxiety.

    If so, it seems both of you were pretending…. and eventually you broke it off. So perhaps it can be a lesson for you: that if you pretend, or both of you pretend to be something you’re not, it doesn’t end well, and it’s not even attractive to you. That honesty and authenticity is much better, even if it might feel scary at first.

    Yes but it doesn’t mean like It was only pretending and nothing else. Thing is that she had some expectations from me, Which indeed wasn’t wrong. She was insecure so…
    And in my previous relationship I didn’t pretend anything and mostly said how it is and maybe sometimes brutally honest which I guess may have hurt her in some way as well but yeah.

     

    Well, you don’t need to tell her all your deepest secrets on your first date. You need to take it slow and see how she responds to something honest and vulnerable (i.e. less than perfect) that you share about yourself. If she doesn’t like you being honest, or she cannot really empathize with you, that’s a big red flag. But if she can, and she is also sharing about herself, and there’s a mutual understanding (rather than criticism, mocking, feeling superior or inferior to the other…) – that’s a very good sign.

    Hmm I think that’s super helpful. Thanks! This would be really helpful for me on how much should I open up in relationships

    You’ve already had several failed relationships, so you know your patterns. Perhaps you’re also aware of what contributed to the breakup, and even what is your responsibility in it? If you know your patterns and your fears, you could talk about it in therapy and try to work on it, rather than take those same patterns and fears into a new relationship.

    I’ve just watched a video by Henry Cloud, where he said: “What’s going to be new and different this time other than you wanting it to be new and different?” I think it can be applied it to relationships too: If you haven’t worked on those fears, or false beliefs or whatever – what is going to be different in your next relationship, other than you wanting it to be different? You know what I mean?

     

    Yes I got your point. I have to work on this first. And I believe for my pattern there was mainly fear of commitment involved as well. But what I’m saying is that if it’s my fear of commitment then I’m not even looking for a commitment. I’m not that much old to look for a commitment either. Another thing is that there are probably woman like me who’s also have fear of commitment as well.. Then instead of just focusing on fear (Which I have to I know, and it does take time) why not just go with the flow and learn that way?

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