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Feels like Time is passing too fast

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  • #415895
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Haha, I’ve been talking to you longer and much more frequently than your therapist, that’s why

    Haha True 😊
    But that’s the cons for a good therapist, right? If they’re like really good at what they do, They don’t have enough time for all of their clients. But yeah this world needs more people like you 😀

    That’s good! It’s nice that you could freely share that part of yourself, and that they weren’t judgmental at all.

    Yes but that after like I have enough trust in them.

    Yeah, that part you’d need to change…

    That’s mainly because I don’t express emotions clearly but more in complex way. Right?

    Right… well, your heart is probably very guarded. And you probably don’t allow yourself to feel much because you’re afraid of where it may lead you. So far relationships were always a disappointment and a cause of frustration, so you’re very very careful.

    Hmm that’s right I’m feeling like I’m not able feel the way that I felt in my first or second relationship. So feeling of Love is just meh for me. And I think that feeling of love (Not just romantic) is really important. It gives that warmth and give you the perspective to look everything around you with love and kindness. I know my heart is full of love, for sure! But what the point if it’s this much guarded and closed.

    And also, you said that so far it was always that the girl approached you. You never made the first move… But did you ever like a girl but were afraid to approach her?

    Oh well yeah fear of rejection and anxiety just hits me hard sometimes. Specially if I have to do things face to face. And like after starting this thread I did tried to approach a girl once (I was talking to Anita that time) and I still remember it vividly. We were on the bus sitting next to each other and It took like me 2 hours to approach but I was crazy I didn’t talked, I was all sweaty and anxious, I typed it my phone notes app and showed it her. And She said I’m engaged. After that in my head I was like “oh well I proved my point I did asked her. Now look at the window and just listen to Spotify. Don’t you dare turn your face towards her” 🤣🤣🤣

    I haven’t tried after that, Most of the time I’m attracted to girl who’s like “Out of my league” So I’m like why risk? this also could be self-esteem issue because I compare even though I know that all humans just have different preferences. And funny enough most of the girls who did approach was actually “Out of my league” But yeah once I’m comfortable and vibe with someone it’s lot easier for me. I need to find smart & creative solutions about this 😂

    Hmm more or less yes I think.. But I’ll still think about it more and let you know

    Okay so I’ve asked this to one of the girl I was in LDR with and she told me I did kind of acted critical and superior but never judgmental. I asked one of my close friend too and she said the same thing. So yeah after gathering the data I can say Yes.

     

    Really good to hear this. You’re right – there is no growth and fulfillment in life without facing our fears, so yes, you’re on the right track.

    Yes but taking those first steps with the different fears that’s important thing. To at least start you know at least that’s what I think.. Like for leadership roles I used to think why would I take this much responsibility? That’s just crazy. Just work on what you have and relax. So even though I had the skills I was just running away and not striving towards my true potential. Like no I’m not able to do it. That’s just not me. But now I know what growth mindset could do.

     

    #415900
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    But that’s the cons for a good therapist, right? If they’re like really good at what they do, They don’t have enough time for all of their clients.

    Unfortunately yes, the better they are, the less available they are. I think a good pace for therapy is once a week or maybe once in 2 weeks. If you’re seeing your therapist only once a month, it might not be enough.

    But yeah this world needs more people like you

    Oh thank you for your kind words!

    That’s mainly because I don’t express emotions clearly but more in complex way. Right?

    Well, this is what you said about your communication style:

    Silent treatment was like my main trait. And instead of discussing I just expected them to solve it because I be like it’s their fault, they made me feel this way. So now it’s their responsibility

    I think you said the reason you started resenting them (or one of the reasons) was that they didn’t pay enough importance to what was important to you. But instead of telling them it bothers you, you were just sulking silently and didn’t want to talk to them. You blamed them for “making you feel that way” and expected them to fix the problem, without ever telling them what’s bothering you. So, this is what I said that you should change.

    So when you ask: That’s mainly because I don’t express emotions clearly but more in complex way. Right? — it’s more like you don’t say what’s bothering you (you hide your real feelings), and instead, you expect them to guess what’s bothering you and make amends. Is that how it usually happens?

    Hmm that’s right I’m feeling like I’m not able feel the way that I felt in my first or second relationship. So feeling of Love is just meh for me.

    This sounds like rationalization: it could be that you’re afraid of feeling “in love” again (like you did in your first 2 relationships), because it was very frustrating and energy draining for you. And so you’re guarding yourself from that feeling, because you don’t want to feel all the “side-effects” of feeling in love again. When you think of being in love, you immediately think of the “side effects”, and it’s just cools you down immediately and makes you feel “meh”. Maybe this is what’s happening?

    And I think that feeling of love (Not just romantic) is really important. It gives that warmth and give you the perspective to look everything around you with love and kindness. I know my heart is full of love, for sure! But what the point if it’s this much guarded and closed.

    Sure, the feeling of love is important, and I guess you have it in you, because you find joy in many things in life. You said it yourself that your inner child is still in awe about life. Which is great!

    But it could be that you’re in awe with animals, plants and nature in general, but much less with people? Because you’re afraid of people, you believe they’ll hurt you… specially people very close to you, such as your romantic partner. So maybe you don’t see the other person with the same awe and appreciation like you see the night sky, for example?

    And like after starting this thread I did tried to approach a girl once (I was talking to Anita that time) and I still remember it vividly. We were on the bus sitting next to each other and It took like me 2 hours to approach but I was crazy I didn’t talked, I was all sweaty and anxious, I typed it my phone notes app and showed it her. And She said I’m engaged. After that in my head I was like “oh well I proved my point I did asked her. Now look at the window and just listen to Spotify. Don’t you dare turn your face towards her”

    😀 Yeah, it’s usually not a good idea to make a move on someone on the bus 🙂 Because you haven’t even talked to her, and then out of the blue, you showed her the text saying you liked her… which is a bit too much… Next time, try a more gradual approach (even if it’s on a bus 🙂 ): try talking to the girl, engage her in a conversation, and see if she’s responsive or she feels uncomfortable…

    Okay so I’ve asked this to one of the girl I was in LDR with and she told me I did kind of acted critical and superior but never judgmental. I asked one of my close friend too and she said the same thing. So yeah after gathering the data I can say Yes.

    Alright, so you agree that your outer critic could be a defense mechanism against vulnerability. Okay, so keep that in mind next time when you start having critical thoughts about the girl you’re dating, and start feeling that she should change…

    Btw it’s interesting that you could talk about this to your ex. Does it mean you ended the relationship on good terms?

    Like for leadership roles I used to think why would I take this much responsibility? That’s just crazy. Just work on what you have and relax.

    Hmm.. I got the impression that you were pushing yourself to do more and faster all the time. That you weren’t telling yourself to just relax, but quite the opposite?

     

    #415901
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Unfortunately yes, the better they are, the less available they are. I think a good pace for therapy is once a week or maybe once in 2 weeks. If you’re seeing your therapist only once a month, it might not be enough.

    Yeah definitely! And She gives lot of hard homework to do. Gives her more time.

    Oh thank you for your kind words!

    Well, you deserve it!

     

    I think you said the reason you started resenting them (or one of the reasons) was that they didn’t pay enough importance to what was important to you. But instead of telling them it bothers you, you were just sulking silently and didn’t want to talk to them. You blamed them for “making you feel that way” and expected them to fix the problem, without ever telling them what’s bothering you. So, this is what I said that you should change.

    So when you ask: That’s mainly because I don’t express emotions clearly but more in complex way. Right? — it’s more like you don’t say what’s bothering you (you hide your real feelings), and instead, you expect them to guess what’s bothering you and make amends. Is that how it usually happens?

    Yes that what happens!

     

    This sounds like rationalization: it could be that you’re afraid of feeling “in love” again (like you did in your first 2 relationships), because it was very frustrating and energy draining for you. And so you’re guarding yourself from that feeling, because you don’t want to feel all the “side-effects” of feeling in love again. When you think of being in love, you immediately think of the “side effects”, and it’s just cools you down immediately and makes you feel “meh”. Maybe this is what’s happening?

    Yes I think so. I believe I may have to be hopeless romantic again 😂

     

    But it could be that you’re in awe with animals, plants and nature in general, but much less with people?

    This is so accurate!

    Because you’re afraid of people, you believe they’ll hurt you… specially people very close to you, such as your romantic partner. So maybe you don’t see the other person with the same awe and appreciation like you see the night sky, for example?

    Yup definitely!

     

    Yeah, it’s usually not a good idea to make a move on someone on the bus   Because you haven’t even talked to her, and then out of the blue, you showed her the text saying you liked her… which is a bit too much… Next time, try a more gradual approach (even if it’s on a bus) try talking to the girl, engage her in a conversation, and see if she’s responsive or she feels uncomfortable…

    Thanks for the good tip. Maybe next time when I find someone I want to go on a date with, I’ll ask you what kind of move should I make. I find those things to be very complex. Like you said just normally talking is better, But I was just making lot of different scenarios how it should work😆

     

    Alright, so you agree that your outer critic could be a defense mechanism against vulnerability. Okay, so keep that in mind next time when you start having critical thoughts about the girl you’re dating, and start feeling that she should change…

    Yes I’ll practice more mindfulness on this one as well

     

    Btw it’s interesting that you could talk about this to your ex. Does it mean you ended the relationship on good terms?

    I ended my every romantic relationship in the past on good terms. So yeah, we still talk sometimes. Not to all of my exs. But this recent one and the one before this one.

     

    Hmm.. I got the impression that you were pushing yourself to do more and faster all the time. That you weren’t telling yourself to just relax, but quite the opposite?

    I mean few years back when I just started working.

     

     

    #415953
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    Yes that what happens!

    Okay, I’d like to develop this a bit more, but could you give me an example of a situation where your girlfriend didn’t give importance to something that was important to you?

    Yes I think so. I believe I may have to be hopeless romantic again

    Hmm.. actually no, you don’t have to be a hopeless romantic, but a hopeful romantic 🙂 I mean, hope needs to awaken in you that a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship is possible. Right now, this hope doesn’t exist… in its place, there is skepticism and fear, as it seems to me.

    This is so accurate! Yup definitely!

    Okay, so this probably means you don’t trust people, you can’t view them with appreciation, because you’ve been disappointed in them… starting from your parents and grandparents (specially your father and grandfather), to just about every adult you grew up around. Almost nobody appreciated who you really are, but criticized you and expected you to be something you’re not. Would you say that’s true?

    If so, I can see a connection between people not appreciating you when you were a child and young adult, and you now not appreciating them. And believing that they would judge and hurt you… And it seems you believe that about your romantic interests as well.

    Thanks for the good tip. Maybe next time when I find someone I want to go on a date with, I’ll ask you what kind of move should I make. I find those things to be very complex. Like you said just normally talking is better, But I was just making lot of different scenarios how it should work

    Yeah, talking to the person, gradually getting to know them, is the most natural way. But perhaps you believe that you need to show that you’re brave enough, or cool enough, and so making a “film-like” move on someone is what you think will knock them off their feet? I don’t know, just speculating here… let me know how you see it?

    Yes I’ll practice more mindfulness on this one as well

    How is it going with the doctor girl btw? Actually, she made a rather film-like move on you too, proposing to you after only seeing you several times in her office!

    I ended my every romantic relationship in the past on good terms. So yeah, we still talk sometimes. Not to all of my exs. But this recent one and the one before this one.

    Cool! So no hard feelings on their part, it seems.

    I mean few years back when I just started working.

    Oh okay. So back then you felt you’re not capable of certain things, so you were blocking yourself. And now you don’t have that mental barrier any more, and you take on challenges more easily?

     

    #415958
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Okay, I’d like to develop this a bit more, but could you give me an example of a situation where your girlfriend didn’t give importance to something that was important to you?

    Okay so this mainly happened in LDR. Like when we scheduled an online date together and at last minute, she changes her plans and she be like is that okay if we do it later or some other time? Or like when we decided to watch something together and she be like let’s talk instead of movie.
    And even though in the start I clearly told her that I like when people keep their word, so if I have to repeat myself, It’d make me angry
    And for her it wasn’t much big deal, She’s like so what it’s just a date or a movie I’m like it’s not about that, It’s about Keeping your words! I don’t like it when you change it like it’s nothing. Because when I tell you something I think three times will I be able to do this on time? Only then I’d say yes. I don’t just say Yes to everything and later just change it. Because if I expect you to keep your words. I’m keeping my words. Simple as that.
    And even though she was well aware about this, She was like you’re strict and righteous, yet still she repeatedly did those things. So I was like that’s enough, I won’t repeat myself again.

    Hmm.. actually no, you don’t have to be a hopeless romantic, but a hopeful romantic   I mean, hope needs to awaken in you that a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship is possible. Right now, this hope doesn’t exist… in its place, there is skepticism and fear, as it seems to me.

    That’s absolutely right! but yeah Hopeful romantic does sounds lot better. Should we start to write movie script on this? 😂🤣

     

    Okay, so this probably means you don’t trust people, you can’t view them with appreciation, because you’ve been disappointed in them… starting from your parents and grandparents (specially your father and grandfather), to just about every adult you grew up around. Almost nobody appreciated who you really are, but criticized you and expected you to be something you’re not. Would you say that’s true?

    Yes that’s true.

    If so, I can see a connection between people not appreciating you when you were a child and young adult, and you now not appreciating them. And believing that they would judge and hurt you… And it seems you believe that about your romantic interests as well.

    I mean I do currently have lot of people that I admire but like none of them are family members or relatives. And when most of the people who are close to you and when they don’t appreciate maybe that’s why.

     

    Yeah, talking to the person, gradually getting to know them, is the most natural way. But perhaps you believe that you need to show that you’re brave enough, or cool enough, and so making a “film-like” move on someone is what you think will knock them off their feet? I don’t know, just speculating here… let me know how you see it?

    Hmm I mean not like “film-like” and I’m literally not even enjoying romance movies anymore. It’s a comedy film for me so😂
    But like you said instead of knowing them gradually, Mostly I get anxious and have this rush to know everything about them, if we vibe or not, I start to notice little things and overthink about it, And even when there’s much less time we’ve spend together, I already start doubting on them
    And if we do vibe, again I rush even more and expect them have same intensity as me just so I don’t feel like they’re not putting any effort into this.

     

    How is it going with the doctor girl btw? Actually, she made a rather film-like move on you too, proposing to you after only seeing you several times in her office!

    Haha yeah she’s lot more action packed in person (As a doctor should be) But because of her work we can’t meet that much and in texting she’s just like.. Haha, Yeah, good.. I feel like I’m pushing her to type things 😂So I’m texting her less now. And I’m like the opposite, in texting I’m much more talkative than in person, I mean even if it’s a new person. But yeah from my previous date we did talked a lot in person and spent a whole day together so who knows.

     

    Cool! So no hard feelings on their part, it seems.

    Umm no hard feelings? Well there was lot of hurt and feelings and etc. But we didn’t talked for quite a while, gave each time to recover and then just talk as a friend or like “Normal people”
    Before when my 1<sup>st</sup> LDR girlfriend tried to reach out to me after breakup. I told her that I can’t step down from romantic relationship to just “friends” It’s really hard for me and I don’t want to work for it. And she told me that it’s not about that but I don’t want to lose a person who impacted my life the most and most valuable to me. So just be in contact time to would make me feel much better. And after some thinking I said Yes to her. Because she also did make me more patient person.

    Oh okay. So back then you felt you’re not capable of certain things, so you were blocking yourself. And now you don’t have that mental barrier any more, and you take on challenges more easily?

    Yes. And I’m still working on it. But like few months ago, I was talking to one of my friend on LinkedIn, He’s quite old actually. He told me something that still makes me thinks…
    He said that don’t just run towards challenges but build your mindset that way that, Whatever comes to you, it’s not even a challenge for you. Just like training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next challenging. Otherwise just that overthinking takes up energy in the present moment and impacts your performance. So Since then I’m learning ways for how to manage or preserve that energy in efficient way.

    #415962
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    when we scheduled an online date together and at last minute, she changes her plans and she be like is that okay if we do it later or some other time? Or like when we decided to watch something together and she be like let’s talk instead of movie.

    The way I see it is that it depends on her intention. If her intention was to spend time with you, and she’d rather talk than watch a movie, I don’t see it as a big problem. Specially if it didn’t happen often. If on the other hand she tended to cancel or change plans often, without any particular reason, that’s already a problem.

    In other words, if she was passive-aggressive about it (she would promise something but then always flake on it), that’s not good. But if she would change her mind occasionally, specially it wasn’t such an important thing (like how you’ll spend your date), I don’t see it as a big problem.

    And for her it wasn’t much big deal, She’s like so what it’s just a date or a movie I’m like it’s not about that, It’s about Keeping your words!

    Sure, keeping one’s word is important. But you also have to take into account whether it’s an important thing, like being there for you in time of need, or it’s a minor thing, like choosing which movie to watch. That’s a big difference.

    That’s absolutely right! but yeah Hopeful romantic does sounds lot better. Should we start to write movie script on this?

    Hahaha… yeah, it does sound like a movie title, and believe it or not, there already is a movie with such title (I’ve just checked). But anyway, having hope is key… so restoring hope and a positive attitude about relationships is probably what you’ll need as a part of your healing process.

    I mean I do currently have lot of people that I admire but like none of them are family members or relatives. And when most of the people who are close to you and when they don’t appreciate maybe that’s why.

    Yes, if you got disappointed in your closest relationships, with people who were supposed to love you and support you, it’s hard. The fear and resistance remains in you, and you treat other close relationships (such as romantic relationships) the same.

    But like you said instead of knowing them gradually, Mostly I get anxious and have this rush to know everything about them, if we vibe or not, I start to notice little things and overthink about it, And even when there’s much less time we’ve spend together, I already start doubting on them

    Yeah, this need to know everything about them at once is probably because you want to “be sure” what you’re getting into. And that’s because you want to minimize the potential harm. So I think you actually do it for your own protection – because you’re afraid of getting hurt.

    That’s why you also start over-analyzing them and finding their potential “weaknesses” – all because you’re afraid of getting hurt. The latter (the over-analyzing and finding weaknesses in the other person) is a part of the outer critic – which over time sabotages the relationship.

    And if we do vibe, again I rush even more and expect them have same intensity as me just so I don’t feel like they’re not putting any effort into this.

    If you do vibe, then you probably want to make sure that they are the right match, so you amp up the efforts, you’re like all in. And perhaps you’re testing them if they show the same amount of intensity as you. And if they don’t (because they have other things going on in their life and can’t dedicate 100% of their time to you), then you’re like “no, that’s not the real thing. She’s not committed like I am”. Is that what happens?

    Haha yeah she’s lot more action packed in person (As a doctor should be) But because of her work we can’t meet that much and in texting she’s just like.. Haha, Yeah, good.. I feel like I’m pushing her to type things So I’m texting her less now. And I’m like the opposite, in texting I’m much more talkative than in person, I mean even if it’s a new person. But yeah from my previous date we did talked a lot in person and spent a whole day together so who knows.

    Good! So you like her and you’re actually keen to communicate with her. Are you starting to notice her “weaknesses” already?

    Before when my 1st LDR girlfriend tried to reach out to me after breakup. I told her that I can’t step down from romantic relationship to just “friends” It’s really hard for me and I don’t want to work for it. And she told me that it’s not about that but I don’t want to lose a person who impacted my life the most and most valuable to me. So just be in contact time to would make me feel much better. And after some thinking I said Yes to her. Because she also did make me more patient person.

    Actually, it’s okay if you don’t remain friends with your exes. You don’t need to force yourself to do it. So if you feel uncomfortable talking to her as friends, you can tell her that. But if you’re cool about it and it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable, then fine.

    He said that don’t just run towards challenges but build your mindset that way that, Whatever comes to you, it’s not even a challenge for you. Just like training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next challenging.

    Yes, if you define “challenge” as something insurmountable, and it paralyzes you, then yeah, it’s better not to see it as a challenge. But if you define challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow, and something that basically won’t harm you – then you don’t need to fear the word “challenge”. But anyway, as he said: “training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next” – that’s a good piece of advice.

     

    #415980
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    In other words, if she was passive-aggressive about it (she would promise something but then always flake on it), that’s not good. But if she would change her mind occasionally, specially it wasn’t such an important thing (like how you’ll spend your date), I don’t see it as a big problem.

    She did it often. And yeah if her intention matters, Mine does too. And at some point I knew I’m being overly strict about this and creating fights but I also knew like I’m not doing anything wrong just protecting something that I value more. Straight forward behavior.

    Sure, keeping one’s word is important. But you also have to take into account whether it’s an important thing, like being there for you in time of need, or it’s a minor thing, like choosing which movie to watch. That’s a big difference.

    Okay so in LDR, She was studying her masters and me working full time. So there was very much less time we were spending together and I felt like she wasn’t even respecting even that much little time. Just taking it for granted. Then why should I always be the first one to push things further?

    having hope is key… so restoring hope and a positive attitude about relationships is probably what you’ll need as a part of your healing process.

    You’re right. I’m having hope in lot of areas in my life except love part. I guess it times to restore hope for a loving & healthy relationships

    Yes, if you got disappointed in your closest relationships, with people who were supposed to love you and support you, it’s hard. The fear and resistance remains in you, and you treat other close relationships (such as romantic relationships) the same.

    Why am I connecting my romantic relationships to closest relationships even though I’m aware it’s not the same. It was in the past but this is the present. Wounds are there I know, But being aware about it isn’t that enough?

    Yeah, this need to know everything about them at once is probably because you want to “be sure” what you’re getting into. And that’s because you want to minimize the potential harm. So I think you actually do it for your own protection – because you’re afraid of getting hurt.
    That’s why you also start over-analyzing them and finding their potential “weaknesses” – all because you’re afraid of getting hurt. The latter (the over-analyzing and finding weaknesses in the other person) is a part of the outer critic – which over time sabotages the relationship.

    Hmm I guess that’s relatable

    If you do vibe, then you probably want to make sure that they are the right match, so you amp up the efforts, you’re like all in. And perhaps you’re testing them if they show the same amount of intensity as you. And if they don’t (because they have other things going on in their life and can’t dedicate 100% of their time to you), then you’re like “no, that’s not the real thing. She’s not committed like I am”. Is that what happens?’

    Yes I think that’s what happens! I do know that relationships don’t work that way. But still I do crave the same intensity if I’m putting it out there and making myself vulnerable.
    and the thing is like I feel duality a lot. For a moment I’m like yeah I need her I want to spend time with her, Why I can’t get the same energy back? And seek attention maybe and another moment when I get even a little doubt I’m like I don’t need anyone or her. Why do I even need her? So it’s like either extremely high or extremely low.. No balance in between with myself.
    So maybe I just don’t know how to balance my emotions in healthier way

    And after my breakup
    And after talking some of my female friends I found out that It was wrong of me to being the pushy one.
    And they said like for a woman, specially in their 20s, There are lot choices available. It’s not like only you’re being good to her. So believe it or not it gets competitive even if they don’t want it to be and they can’t decide rationally or directly the way you want them to be, and it makes them quite undecisive about things.
    What do you think about that?

     

    Good! So you like her and you’re actually keen to communicate with her. Are you starting to notice her “weaknesses” already?

    Well I don’t think I’m finding her weaknesses already. But I think subconsciously my mind is mostly thinks how this shouldn’t work out even though things are going well. Fear of the past you know… So far I like her cheerful behaviour.

    Actually, it’s okay if you don’t remain friends with your exes. You don’t need to force yourself to do it. So if you feel uncomfortable talking to her as friends, you can tell her that. But if you’re cool about it and it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable, then fine.

    Well yeah for me I know it’s okay. She does talks about past sometimes and regret but she knows well it won’t melt me. So she kinda accepted that.

    Yes, if you define “challenge” as something insurmountable, and it paralyzes you, then yeah, it’s better not to see it as a challenge. But if you define challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow, and something that basically won’t harm you – then you don’t need to fear the word “challenge”. But anyway, as he said: “training mind to be less fearful about what’s coming next” – that’s a good piece of advice.

    Yes exactly and as someone who have like inferiority complex and anxiety it’s really easy for me to get intimated with new things or challenges. (Except new places and traveling 😄)
    So that’s why I’m working on that

    #415983
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    Okay so in LDR, She was studying her masters and me working full time. So there was very much less time we were spending together and I felt like she wasn’t even respecting even that much little time. Just taking it for granted.

    I see.. so it felt like she wasn’t too keen to meet you and hang out with you (online). And it wasn’t because she was super busy with her exams or anything like that? Btw was this your first LDR or the second one, which only lasted for a short time?

    In my opinion, LDR only works if you also meet in person from time to time. You said that in your 1st LDR, you’ve never even video called, right? And it lasted for 3 years… that’s pretty mind boggling! But maybe it was during covid, so that’s why?

    You’re right. I’m having hope in lot of areas in my life except love part. I guess it times to restore hope for a loving & healthy relationships

    Yeah, that would be the first step… at least mentally, know that it is possible. It’s not a lost case from the start. There is hope!

    Why am I connecting my romantic relationships to closest relationships even though I’m aware it’s not the same.

    Because of the attachment – it is in our nature to form deep bonds with people closest to us. Our first attachment “figures” are our parents, and our second major attachment figure is our romantic partner. So what we’ve learned about love and bonding in the relationship with our parents, we carry it over to our romantic relationships. It’s the same “programming”, so to speak.

    It was in the past but this is the present. Wounds are there I know, But being aware about it isn’t that enough?

    No, being aware of it is just one part of it. Another part is emotional healing. That’s when the inner child comes into the picture, because the inner child carries those old hurts…

    and the thing is like I feel duality a lot. For a moment I’m like yeah I need her I want to spend time with her, Why I can’t get the same energy back? And seek attention maybe and another moment when I get even a little doubt I’m like I don’t need anyone or her. Why do I even need her? So it’s like either extremely high or extremely low.. No balance in between with myself.

    Yeah, seems you’re conflicted. Like, “I need you so much”, and then in the next moment “I don’t need you at all!”. It’s like love and hate relationship. In fact, our relationship with our parents when we’re children is often like that: we need them, but we also hate them because they don’t give us what we need.

    So perhaps this is what happens with you in those moments: when the girl doesn’t give you what you need (e.g. her absolute dedication), you get angry and protest. It’s like the child who protests when the mother doesn’t pay attention to him 100% of the time.

    I am not saying you should tolerate if the girl is neglecting you and doesn’t want to spend time with you. I am more talking about the extremes where you maybe expect her to leave everything and spend time with you, even though she is studying for her exam (just as an example – don’t know if it’s applicable?). Maybe in those extremes you don’t have much understanding for her needs, but you demand her time, or else you get very angry? I am not claiming this is true for you, just speculating… so let me know if it applies?

    So maybe I just don’t know how to balance my emotions in healthier way

    Yes, it’s very possible that you need to better regulate your emotions. If what I suggested above is true, then the main driver for your strong emotions would be the inner child’s feeling of abandonment and anger when he’s not getting 100% attention all the time.

    And after my breakup
    And after talking some of my female friends I found out that It was wrong of me to being the pushy one.
    And they said like for a woman, specially in their 20s, There are lot choices available. It’s not like only you’re being good to her. So believe it or not it gets competitive even if they don’t want it to be and they can’t decide rationally or directly the way you want them to be, and it makes them quite undecisive about things.
    What do you think about that?

    Well, I just yesterday watched a video where they said that around 50% of all relationships among young people are online. Which is a lot! I had no idea it was so much. And I can imagine it gets competitive if one has to compete against dozens of guys online. That’s why I think it’s better to have an in-person relationship, or if you have an LDR, preferably you originally meet the person face-to-face (say on a trip or a business conference). And then you continue LDR, but with regular visits. In any case, I think that being exclusively LDR isn’t optimal because you can’t have that level of bonding being just online.

    Well I don’t think I’m finding her weaknesses already. But I think subconsciously my mind is mostly thinks how this shouldn’t work out even though things are going well. Fear of the past you know… So far I like her cheerful behaviour.

    Good that you’re still focusing on the positives! If you start finding (unjustified) faults in her, notice it and stop yourself, because maybe it’s your outer critic/saboteur in action…

    Well yeah for me I know it’s okay. She does talks about past sometimes and regret but she knows well it won’t melt me. So she kinda accepted that.

    So she’d like to reconcile, but you said no, and she accepts it?

     

    #415991
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    I see.. so it felt like she wasn’t too keen to meet you and hang out with you (online). And it wasn’t because she was super busy with her exams or anything like that? Btw was this your first LDR or the second one, which only lasted for a short time?

    First LDR. And I know it’s silly but I actually was just curious about how LDR relationships are and just wanted to experience I didn’t know we would be attached to each other that much and soon like a committed relationship.

    And no it wasn’t about the exams because it was her first LDR and first ever relationship. So she did told me that she’s shy and insecure, I said it’s not my first relationship but I’m somewhat shy and insecure too so.. So she said we’ll work for it. Now that’s the thing I cling to because she said we’ll work for it. But I didn’t understand sometimes it’s not easy for person just change their traits even though they want it to.

    In my opinion, LDR only works if you also meet in person from time to time. You said that in your 1st LDR, you’ve never even video called, right? And it lasted for 3 years… that’s pretty mind boggling! But maybe it was during covid, so that’s why?

    Yeah I know but I’m not fond of LDR anymore. Specially after I went on an in-person dates. We started it like one year before covid after she proposed. But the thing was that I saw the opportunity, I thought it’s like a blank page and together we could cultivate a real good relationship, Because I got the feeling like she’s just good and we could work for this LDR thing. It was really really hard for us. And because she said she’s shy and everything… I’m like okay I’ll give her time and have patience. But my patience turned into a comfort zone for her and she didn’t work for her social anxiety. so never even a video call.

    And we did plan to meet and even decided to live together but because of covid and other circumstances we couldn’t, which made things even harder.

     

    Yeah, that would be the first step… at least mentally, know that it is possible. It’s not a lost case from the start. There is hope!

    Yes I know and to be honest I’m trying to be hopeful but it’s not that easy.. and because of that I just try to focus to be better on other areas

    Because of the attachment – it is in our nature to form deep bonds with people closest to us. Our first attachment “figures” are our parents, and our second major attachment figure is our romantic partner. So what we’ve learned about love and bonding in the relationship with our parents, we carry it over to our romantic relationships. It’s the same “programming”, so to speak.

    Oh okay I see…

    No, being aware of it is just one part of it. Another part is emotional healing. That’s when the inner child comes into the picture, because the inner child carries those old hurts…

    Ah yeah, Right! need to take care of the inner child.

    Yeah, seems you’re conflicted. Like, “I need you so much”, and then in the next moment “I don’t need you at all!”. It’s like love and hate relationship. In fact, our relationship with our parents when we’re children is often like that: we need them, but we also hate them because they don’t give us what we need.

    So perhaps this is what happens with you in those moments: when the girl doesn’t give you what you need (e.g. her absolute dedication), you get angry and protest. It’s like the child who protests when the mother doesn’t pay attention to him 100% of the time.

    I am not saying you should tolerate if the girl is neglecting you and doesn’t want to spend time with you. I am more talking about the extremes where you maybe expect her to leave everything and spend time with you, even though she is studying for her exam (just as an example – don’t know if it’s applicable?). Maybe in those extremes you don’t have much understanding for her needs, but you demand her time, or else you get very angry? I am not claiming this is true for you, just speculating… so let me know if it applies?

    Well not really. You see even it was new for me, I did told her that whenever she needs space or time she can feel free to tell me. I literally told her that “Don’t talk to me for a week or even a month if you don’t want to or able to, I won’t mind” but just let me know…And yeah at times I was seeking undivided attention but it’s only because I was giving her my undivided attention. Is that wrong?

    Yes, it’s very possible that you need to better regulate your emotions. If what I suggested above is true, then the main driver for your strong emotions would be the inner child’s feeling of abandonment and anger when he’s not getting 100% attention all the time.

     Hmm I’m thinking is it really about seeking attention? or something else? Because I do know well attention doesn’t indirectly mean love or affection or validation from the partner

    Well, I just yesterday watched a video where they said that around 50% of all relationships among young people are online. Which is a lot! I had no idea it was so much. And I can imagine it gets competitive if one has to compete against dozens of guys online. That’s why I think it’s better to have an in-person relationship, or if you have an LDR, preferably you originally meet the person face-to-face (say on a trip or a business conference). And then you continue LDR, but with regular visits. In any case, I think that being exclusively LDR isn’t optimal because you can’t have that level of bonding being just online.

    Exactly! That’s why I’m like enough and also ended my second LDR. I did felt bad because that was really my fault like even after got out from one long LDR I tried to have another one? what was I thinking? But luckily I didn’t spend much time on it so not much extra emotions.

    Good that you’re still focusing on the positives! If you start finding (unjustified) faults in her, notice it and stop yourself, because maybe it’s your outer critic/saboteur in action…

    Yes I will try to stop my outer critic. But I think lot of times my pride/ego comes in between. Like why I should always text first? let her decide where to go, let her plan, I won’t be doing the work alone. and like that in most of my relationships in-person and LDR I felt one sided pretty frequently.
    You aware about 5 love languages, right? Mine is Act of service and Quality time equally so maybe that says something 😆

     

    So she’d like to reconcile, but you said no, and she accepts it?

    Yes, I talked to her few months after the breakup.
    She was like I wanted to work on my anxiety and fear, and when I was with you it got much better I never even thought that I would actually start an online relationship, be this much vulnerable and open myself to someone, but I was always trying to please you and felt insecure that If I’d do something wrong our bond wouldn’t be strong and it’ll break and because of LDR it wasn’t getting strong either.

    Another thing, When she told me about her anxiety and she wanted to go to therapy I said it’s a good idea. But to be honest all this time I felt like I was kind of worked as her therapist. But she only started to see therapist after the breakup. And later she found out the along with social anxiety she also has ROCD.

     

     

    #415992
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    it seems your first LDR girlfriend was severely anxious, since you said social anxiety was the reason she didn’t want to video call with you during your 3-year long relationship. Which means she was embarrassed of herself even in front of you.

    So she did told me that she’s shy and insecure, I said it’s not my first relationship but I’m somewhat shy and insecure too so.. So she said we’ll work for it. Now that’s the thing I cling to because she said we’ll work for it. But I didn’t understand sometimes it’s not easy for person just change their traits even though they want it to.

    She was like I wanted to work on my anxiety and fear, and when I was with you it got much better I never even thought that I would actually start an online relationship, be this much vulnerable and open myself to someone, but I was always trying to please you and felt insecure that If I’d do something wrong our bond wouldn’t be strong and it’ll break and because of LDR it wasn’t getting strong either.

    But to be honest all this time I felt like I was kind of worked as her therapist.

    The above tells me that the dynamic in your relationship was that she needed to be “fixed”, and you were the one who was trying to help her and fix her. She felt ashamed of herself and not good enough, and you were tying to help her “work on it”. But probably the dynamic soon turned into you feeling as the superior one, “patiently waiting” for her to change, while she feeling not good enough and failing you most of the time. And being afraid of losing you.

    The thing is that we can’t change other people. And you tried to change her, actually she too wanted to change, because she didn’t like her social anxiety and her excessive shame. But instead of going to therapy and working on it, she fell into this dynamic with you where a part of the time she was trying to please you and make you appreciate her. And half of the time she was probably resenting you for not accepting her as she is, for trying to change her and improve her. She needed unconditional acceptance (which she could have received in therapy), but instead she expected it from you, which was a mistake.

    You probably stayed for so long in this relationship because you tend to slip into the controlling/overbearing father figure easily. So you couldn’t just leave because she was probably a challenge for you, and a part of you felt good being the superior one. Another part hated it, because she was often resisting your guidance, as it seems. She would sabotage your dates, cancel things at the last moment… almost like a teenage girl rebelling against her father.

    So it seems to me like an unhealthy father-daughter dynamic. What do you think?

    Well not really. You see even it was new for me, I did told her that whenever she needs space or time she can feel free to tell me. I literally told her that “Don’t talk to me for a week or even a month if you don’t want to or able to, I won’t mind” but just let me know…And yeah at times I was seeking undivided attention but it’s only because I was giving her my undivided attention. Is that wrong?

    I think I understand your dynamic better now. As I said, I think there was this duality in her: on one hand she wanted to please you and do what you say, but on the other hand she was rebelling against you because you reminded her of her strict parents (probably). And so she was sabotaging your dates, she had a certain resistance against you.

    So to answer your question: no, it’s not too much to ask for your partner’s attention. But this particular girl couldn’t give it to you because, if my assumption is right, she was rebelling against you as much as she loved you. It was the love-hate relationship on her part, I think.

    But I think lot of times my pride/ego comes in between. Like why I should always text first? let her decide where to go, let her plan, I won’t be doing the work alone. and like that in most of my relationships in-person and LDR I felt one sided pretty frequently.

    Yeah, it shouldn’t be one-sided. The girl should show interest and initiative too. Unless you’re overbearing and don’t let them breathe. But if you’re not too intense, she should show initiative. If she doesn’t (and you’re not overbearing), it means something’s wrong, there is some resistance in her. Like there was in your first LDR.

     

    #416018
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    it seems your first LDR girlfriend was severely anxious, since you said social anxiety was the reason she didn’t want to video call with you during your 3-year long relationship. Which means she was embarrassed of herself even in front of you.

    Yes, She was really camera shy even to take and share pics. But I had to encourage and reassure her a lot how cute and gorgeous she is (Which she is really!)
    After that she were comfortable sharing pics, videos and voice notes.

     

    The above tells me that the dynamic in your relationship was that she needed to be “fixed”, and you were the one who was trying to help her and fix her. She felt ashamed of herself and not good enough, and you were tying to help her “work on it”. But probably the dynamic soon turned into you feeling as the superior one, “patiently waiting” for her to change, while she feeling not good enough and failing you most of the time. And being afraid of losing you.

    The thing is that we can’t change other people. And you tried to change her, actually she too wanted to change, because she didn’t like her social anxiety and her excessive shame. But instead of going to therapy and working on it, she fell into this dynamic with you where a part of the time she was trying to please you and make you appreciate her. And half of the time she was probably resenting you for not accepting her as she is, for trying to change her and improve her. She needed unconditional acceptance (which she could have received in therapy), but instead she expected it from you, which was a mistake.

    You probably stayed for so long in this relationship because you tend to slip into the controlling/overbearing father figure easily. So you couldn’t just leave because she was probably a challenge for you, and a part of you felt good being the superior one. Another part hated it, because she was often resisting your guidance, as it seems. She would sabotage your dates, cancel things at the last moment… almost like a teenage girl rebelling against her father.

    So it seems to me like an unhealthy father-daughter dynamic. What do you think?

    Well she does mentioned that she doesn’t feel good enough and she always think about what other people would think of her what if they judge her? Even with her therapist she wasn’t opening up properly. She thought that she’d judge her. And I guess to this day she’s still not opening up to her fully as she did with me. I tried to make her understood that it’s okay to opening up. Therapists don’t judge and everything you say is 100% private, but she’s not fully convinced. So she’s focusing more journaling and yoga and meditation.

    I mean even though I was trying to “fix” her. I was trying not let her feel like she’s less than anything. Time to time I wrote her letters about her inner and outer beauty to reassure and gain her self-esteem. But yeah maybe it could be true and there was some unhealthy dynamic going on.

     

    I think I understand your dynamic better now. As I said, I think there was this duality in her: on one hand she wanted to please you and do what you say, but on the other hand she was rebelling against you because you reminded her of her strict parents (probably). And so she was sabotaging your dates, she had a certain resistance against you.

     

    Right but from what she told me her parents weren’t that strict, But she is the eldest sibling in the family so she didn’t got the attention that she needed. and I’m the middle sibling in my family so I think I can still understand.

    So to answer your question: no, it’s not too much to ask for your partner’s attention. But this particular girl couldn’t give it to you because, if my assumption is right, she was rebelling against you as much as she loved you. It was the love-hate relationship on her part, I think.

    Okay so it wasn’t entirely my fault.

     

    Yeah, it shouldn’t be one-sided. The girl should show interest and initiative too. Unless you’re overbearing and don’t let them breathe. But if you’re not too intense, she should show initiative. If she doesn’t (and you’re not overbearing), it means something’s wrong, there is some resistance in her. Like there was in your first LDR.

     

    Hmm I see, Understood. Although I’m questioning myself if I had overbearing tendencies

     

    Also I went on a date with a doctor. And I don’t know what to say. She is actually more energetic and fiercer than me. And it was definitely making me feel intimidating. And her outfit was like idk too much??? Other guys were staring at her and it made me angry and uncomfortable same time. But I tried to not focus on that and controlled myself and not judge. Other than that I did had fun. She was opening up to me like we are old friends. Which I liked.

     

    #416026
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    Yes, She was really camera shy even to take and share pics. But I had to encourage and reassure her a lot how cute and gorgeous she is (Which she is really!)

    Aww that’s so sweet that you encouraged her like that!

    After that she were comfortable sharing pics, videos and voice notes.

    Does it mean you did video call after all during those 3 years? Or she shared video notes with you, but never talked to you in real time on video?

    Well she does mentioned that she doesn’t feel good enough and she always think about what other people would think of her what if they judge her? Even with her therapist she wasn’t opening up properly. She thought that she’d judge her. And I guess to this day she’s still not opening up to her fully as she did with me. I tried to make her understood that it’s okay to opening up. Therapists don’t judge and everything you say is 100% private, but she’s not fully convinced. So she’s focusing more journaling and yoga and meditation.

    I mean even though I was trying to “fix” her. I was trying not let her feel like she’s less than anything. Time to time I wrote her letters about her inner and outer beauty to reassure and gain her self-esteem. But yeah maybe it could be true and there was some unhealthy dynamic going on.

    I see… she was shy and insecure, and thought people would judge her. But you tried to assure her how beautiful she is, both inside and outside, and that she has nothing to be ashamed for. That’s really sweet and supportive of you. And it’s absolutely not critical or overbearing.

    But she did say she felt a sense of superiority from you and criticism, and it could be that in some areas you were indeed more critical, such as her health and diet? Also, perhaps you felt frustrated with her for not accomplishing some of the goals that she set for herself?

    Okay so it wasn’t entirely my fault.

    No, I don’t think it was. The truth is that it’s hard to be with someone who has low self-esteem. No matter how much we love them, they can’t love themselves and it ruins the relationship.

    Right but from what she told me her parents weren’t that strict, But she is the eldest sibling in the family so she didn’t got the attention that she needed. and I’m the middle sibling in my family so I think I can still understand.

    I see.. maybe some dynamic with her siblings was going on, which made her feel less than and not good enough…

    Hmm I see, Understood. Although I’m questioning myself if I had overbearing tendencies

    I don’t know either, it was just a hypothesis. But now I see that you weren’t that critical with her as I thought… so maybe you weren’t overbearing after all, but just frustrated with her consistent lack of self-esteem?

    Also I went on a date with a doctor. And I don’t know what to say. She is actually more energetic and fiercer than me. And it was definitely making me feel intimidating. And her outfit was like idk too much??? Other guys were staring at her and it made me angry and uncomfortable same time.

    Alright… so the doctor seems to be the polar opposite of your first LDR – self-assured, daring and not afraid to show her attributes and stand out in the crowd 🙂 She also took the initiative with asking you out, so… yeah, she is different.

    But I tried to not focus on that and controlled myself and not judge.

    Well, in fact, we can have our discernment and still not be judgmental. If you’ve noticed something fishy (e.g. if she flirted with other men), it can be a reason for caution. But if she’s just vivacious and feels good in her own skin, that’s not the reason to judge her.

    Other than that I did had fun. She was opening up to me like we are old friends. Which I liked.

    Good! So she seemed honest and authentic with you?

    You say you felt intimidated, and that it’s because she is more energetic and fierce than you. Does it make you feel inferior and you fear that she would judge you?

    #416035
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Does it mean you did video call after all during those 3 years? Or she shared video notes with you, but never talked to you in real time on video?

    No I didn’t. She did shared lot of video notes with me. But didn’t talked on real time on video. She be like she prefers to take videos 2-3 times after she thinks those are “good enough” to share. You seeing the issue here right?

    I see… she was shy and insecure, and thought people would judge her. But you tried to assure her how beautiful she is, both inside and outside, and that she has nothing to be ashamed for. That’s really sweet and supportive of you. And it’s absolutely not critical or overbearing.

    But she did say she felt a sense of superiority from you and criticism, and it could be that in some areas you were indeed more critical, such as her health and diet? Also, perhaps you felt frustrated with her for not accomplishing some of the goals that she set for herself?

    So you mean to say even though I wasn’t being critical but it’s how she perceived me because of her issues? That’s wasn’t even  in my control so..
    But Yes because I was worried about her mental health more. That’s why I wanted her to sleep properly and have fresh and healthy food. And at times I did felt frustrated and she said sorry to me lot of times

     

    No, I don’t think it was. The truth is that it’s hard to be with someone who has low self-esteem. No matter how much we love them, they can’t love themselves and it ruins the relationship.

    Yeah I totally agree! Lot of the energy goes into reassurance

     

    I see.. maybe some dynamic with her siblings was going on, which made her feel less than and not good enough…

    So the thing is her parents didn’t waited much longer. Like first her and then directly next year her little sister. And I guess after that they found out it’s good to wait to give proper time. So after like 10 years another kid, her brother 😂
    And her little sister got attention more than she wanted to. So she’s totally different from her. No matter what her parents says she doesn’t listen and super stubborn with her parents because she knows that her needs going to be fulfilled.

     

    I don’t know either, it was just a hypothesis. But now I see that you weren’t that critical with her as I thought… so maybe you weren’t overbearing after all, but just frustrated with her consistent lack of self-esteem?

    I was frustrated for sure! I think it’s one of the reasons I gave up on that relationship. Because If I’m putting time and effort, I want to see progress. work or relationship.

     

    Alright… so the doctor seems to be the polar opposite of your first LDR – self-assured, daring and not afraid to show her attributes and stand out in the crowd   She also took the initiative with asking you out, so… yeah, she is different.

    She’s different. Like different than any girl I’ve been with.

     

    Well, in fact, we can have our discernment and still not be judgmental. If you’ve noticed something fishy (e.g. if she flirted with other men), it can be a reason for caution. But if she’s just vivacious and feels good in her own skin, that’s not the reason to judge her.

    I mean she wasn’t flirting with them. But it’s kind of my problem even though It was only a first date I did felt possessive so.. It happened to me a lot of times even though I don’t like to be committed I do get possessive quickly

     

    Good! So she seemed honest and authentic with you?

    Yes. She actually complimented me that she didn’t met good listener like me in years. I guess I did improve my empathy skills 😌

    You say you felt intimidated, and that it’s because she is more energetic and fierce than you. Does it make you feel inferior and you fear that she would judge you?

    Hmm yes, kind of? There’s duality. Like one side thinking is like you’re good enough as you are, you don’t need to “copy” others. And other side is like Wow how good it would feel to be this much energetic & fierce.

     

    #416057
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear SereneWolf,

    But didn’t talked on real time on video. She be like she prefers to take videos 2-3 times after she thinks those are “good enough” to share. You seeing the issue here right?

    Yes, I see… she had very low self-esteem, and felt ashamed of herself even in front of you.

    So you mean to say even though I wasn’t being critical but it’s how she perceived me because of her issues?

    Well, you said a while ago that you asked her and another friend of yours if you were critical, and they both said yes, kind of:

    Okay so I’ve asked this to one of the girl I was in LDR with and she told me I did kind of acted critical and superior but never judgmental. I asked one of my close friend too and she said the same thing.

    Although to be honest, I don’t know how one can be critical and superior, but not judgmental? Because acting with superiority kind of implies that one looks down at the other person as not good enough…

    But Yes because I was worried about her mental health more. That’s why I wanted her to sleep properly and have fresh and healthy food. And at times I did felt frustrated and she said sorry to me lot of times

    Yeah, it’s like a worried parent attitude – being worried for her for not following a healthy lifestyle, and then getting upset with her (not always, but from time to time) for not following your suggestions. At those times she probably felt she failed you and felt the need to apologize.

    So to me it definitely seems like an unhealthy parent-child dynamic, even if you were trying to be as patient as possible, and would only get upset occasionally.

    In fact, I guess you were upset more frequently than you let on (we’ve talked about it already), so she could probably feel your disappointment and frustration, even if you tried not to show it. And even if you managed to hide it, it was still frustrating for you, right?

    Yeah I totally agree! Lot of the energy goes into reassurance

    Yes, it does. But it’s in vain, unless they work on it therapy…

    So the thing is her parents didn’t waited much longer. Like first her and then directly next year her little sister. And I guess after that they found out it’s good to wait to give proper time. So after like 10 years another kid, her brother And her little sister got attention more than she wanted to.

    Oh I see… so she felt neglected because her little sister “stole” her parents’ attention. And she probably felt not good enough and not lovable enough because of that. That can very easily be the cause of her low self-esteem.

    I was frustrated for sure! I think it’s one of the reasons I gave up on that relationship. Because If I’m putting time and effort, I want to see progress. work or relationship.

    Yeah, it’s always a recipe for failure to be in a relationship with someone who cannot love themselves. If you’re attracted to such girls, who seem needy and in need of your help – that’s something to be aware of and to work on. Okay, the doctor is certainly not that type 🙂 But in general, if you feel better being with girls with low self-esteem, that’s a problem.

    I mean she wasn’t flirting with them. But it’s kind of my problem even though It was only a first date I did felt possessive so.. It happened to me a lot of times even though I don’t like to be committed I do get possessive quickly

    Maybe you feel those other guys will steal her from you?

    She actually complimented me that she didn’t met good listener like me in years. I guess I did improve my empathy skills

    Great! Good job! 🙂

    Hmm yes, kind of? There’s duality. Like one side thinking is like you’re good enough as you are, you don’t need to “copy” others. And other side is like Wow how good it would feel to be this much energetic & fierce.

    Ah it’s like you start judging yourself for not being as energetic and fierce. So instead of appreciating her energy (which you like, as it seems), you start judging yourself for not possessing those same qualities. Your inner critic gets activated… So be aware of that: how you start comparing yourself with her and seeing her as superior, and you as inferior…. and this is another recipe to ruin the relationship. So be aware of your inner critic…

     

    #416071
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    You haven’t updated me about your health in a while. So, tell me the good news?

    Yes, I see… she had very low self-esteem, and felt ashamed of herself even in front of you.

    Yes,  I guess it was one of the reasons I felt more hurt even after reassurance, time and trust it wasn’t enough for her.

    Although to be honest, I don’t know how one can be critical and superior, but not judgmental? Because acting with superiority kind of implies that one looks down at the other person as not good enough…

    Hmm I guess because I still admire and value their good qualities over the ones that I don’t like?

     

    So to me it definitely seems like an unhealthy parent-child dynamic, even if you were trying to be as patient as possible, and would only get upset occasionally.

    In fact, I guess you were upset more frequently than you let on (we’ve talked about it already), so she could probably feel your disappointment and frustration, even if you tried not to show it. And even if you managed to hide it, it was still frustrating for you, right?

    Yes exactly!

     

    Yes, it does. But it’s in vain, unless they work on it therapy…

    Because I talked to her after a while and I said I’m seeing a therapist, She was bit more enthusiastic about seeing the therapist again

    Oh I see… so she felt neglected because her little sister “stole” her parents’ attention. And she probably felt not good enough and not lovable enough because of that. That can very easily be the cause of her low self-esteem.

    Yes that’s what I’m thinking

    Yeah, it’s always a recipe for failure to be in a relationship with someone who cannot love themselves. If you’re attracted to such girls, who seem needy and in need of your help – that’s something to be aware of and to work on. Okay, the doctor is certainly not that type, But in general, if you feel better being with girls with low self-esteem, that’s a problem.

    Okay so just a general question. Suppose we go out and take 10 random people and out of those 10 people what do you think how many would be loving themselves as they should?

    And I know I’m feeling different but I also know that I’m not afraid of change.

    But I’m also thinking it’s could be like similar to comfort zone thing? Because I’ve mostly been with girls who had low-esteem so now I feel just more comfortable with them

    Or it’s like a attraction thing low self-esteem attracts low-esteem? 😂

     

    Maybe you feel those other guys will steal her from you?

    Hmm no, I don’t think that way. I believe that we’re dating now because she chose me and I chose her, That’s a freedom. I don’t care if some guy is trying to steal her from me. If he’s able to steal her from me and actually do then congrats to him but I don’t like to compete when it comes to relationships. I’ll be just trying be myself. If she wants to be in, be in, or out, just happily out. For me it’s like if someone one else capable of steal her from me, it’s making my commitment decision easier for like now I’m sure you’re not the one.

     

    Ah it’s like you start judging yourself for not being as energetic and fierce. So instead of appreciating her energy (which you like, as it seems), you start judging yourself for not possessing those same qualities. Your inner critic gets activated… So be aware of that: how you start comparing yourself with her and seeing her as superior, and you as inferior…. and this is another recipe to ruin the relationship. So be aware of your inner critic…

    Haha yeah that’s right. I think nowadays I’m doing comparison and get jealous even though I don’t like it

    And what should I do about this superior and inferior thing other than try to see all as equal?

     

    I’m at my hometown at my parents place and I did noticed that even though his behavior is better with me. With others he’s till same old narcissistic person who think whatever he thinks is right and others are wrong. I don’t know if I should just accept that he can’t change or if I should fight for it even more. Because the thing is that he doesn’t believe in therapy even a bit. And I feel sorry for my mother because she have to live with him.

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