Dear SereneWolf,

Yes, and the imprint is carried by the inner child… that’s why it needs inner child healing.

I told you about my CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) Right?

Well, my father had his own emotional wounding related to his mother. I think he was trying to get love and validation from his emotionally distant mother. He repeated that in the relationship with his wife, i.e. my mother. So he always tried to “please” and “appease” my mother, and he never wanted conflict with her. It was important for him that my mother isn’t angry with him. That was his priority, not my well-being or even his own well-being. And so he stayed silent and endured what he shouldn’t have endured.

Ohh I see. So just enduring silently could be pretty damaging as well.

With your mother, there could have been also cultural factors at play, maybe that women shouldn’t object to their husbands? So perhaps that contributed to your mother staying silent?

Yes totally agree! Old beliefs!

I see… yes, if you’re missing a deeper sense of self-worth, it’s very likely related to that incessant criticism that you’ve heard from your father and grandfather….

Even now? Even though I don’t focus much on what they say. Even if it’s the past wound. I’ll have to build strong sense of self-worth again. I’m done feeling worse about myself! And also because it’s something stopping me from being compassionate with myself.

Right… because the closest relationships for you were a source of stress and humiliation, not a source of encouragement and support. And also broader relationships weren’t too supportive either, because as you’ve said, it was all about rivalry and who is more accomplished, who makes more money etc. No wonder you didn’t want to show any vulnerability, or your true self.

Exactly!

But do you know what Henry Cloud’s definition of intimacy is? Intimacy = into me see.

We need to allow the other person to see us, to see into us, otherwise there can be no intimacy and no real relationship.

What a great way to explain! I agree with that. But like what does it mean to let them see into us? Does it mean let them know what we’re thinking without judging, without fear of criticizing, and also being vulnerable or something more?

It could be that your inner child is still afraid to be seen, because he believes he’s not good enough, not worthy enough? But if you can truly believe that you’re good enough and have so many good qualities, and that you don’t need to be perfect (unlike your parents and grandparents told you!)… then you might allow another person to “see into you”. As we’ve talked about before, you don’t need to spill out all your deepest secrets on the first date, just maybe share one vulnerable thing and see how she reacts…

Yes maybe this inner feeling not being worthy is damaging me for so long that I lost track of my own self.
Right! One step at a time

I said it because you mentioned earlier that you fear they might judge you for your spontaneity:

I mean with my parents I still do, but not with my romantic interests.

Good! I guess you can now be more mindful while dating and observe yourself, and notice if the fear arises… which is already a big step!

Thanks for giving me hope though. I was about to give up if I didn’t find out its not only about dating but it’s much more deeper thing to resolve.

Today I listened to this podcast and it had an interesting concept about childhood trauma. Like today pretty much every one have some issues related to childhood that they need to address and work on. But instead feeling like a victim. Being mindful in the present and accept that and he quotes from the Bhagavad Gita, Lord Krishna said: “Whatever happened, happened for the good; Whatever is happening, is happening for the good; Whatever will happen, will also happen for the good only.”

Just think about it like if everything went perfectly would you have this drive to improve yourself and work on yourself every day? Probably not. So it’s like bitter and sweet things mixed cocktail which is fun thing about life and that’s what makes it interesting and worth living not just like a raw water.
Makes me think that striving for this inner peace is nothing less than a great war against ourselves.