Dear Freddie,

I’ve just always felt like I get parts of the puzzle and if I ask her more she gets upset or that I haven’t raised it in a productive way and she needs advanced notice for that kind of talk.

This to me is a red flag because if you’re married to someone (which you were planning to), there shouldn’t be taboo topics and secrets. It does seem she was uncomfortable to talk about some parts of her life. And even if it’s not her fault that she doesn’t have a closer relationship with her daughter, she should be willing to talk about it with you, as her partner and confidante. If she is reluctant to share her thoughts and feelings with you on such an important subject, it’s definitely not a good sign.

My concern is if we had a child would she walk away from that child too, which I know is a horrible thought of someone you love.

Well, her behavior with her daughter does raise suspicion about her motherly instinct… And if she does care about her daughter and isn’t the one who is responsible for estrangement – then indeed, why doesn’t she want to talk about it? So again, I understand your suspicion.

As for her spending habits, that too is concerning. She seems to lean towards overspending and as you say, she wasn’t able to clear her debt even though she is making good money. So maybe it’s a perpetual cycle of spending too much and always being in debt. But the most worrying is that she doesn’t want to talk about that either. It seems she just wants be left alone and no questions asked.

I have never been pushy or demanding about her opening up, if anything I let the lack of transparency go on too long.

I see… so you’ve had your concerns, but didn’t dare to ask her about it? When she brushed you off, you sort of accepted it and haven’t bothered her anymore?

I’m seeing a therapist which is good talking to a independent party and although I struggle to open up about things we are digging a bit deeper and determining I have some underlined issues around carrying guilt and shame.

Perhaps you haven’t demanded answers because you felt guilty for being too nosy, or too judgmental? Or she told you you were “too judgmental and narrow minded“?