Hi Adam,

I am sorry to hear this – it must be very painful for you 🙁

I totally understand why you feel betrayed and disappointed. Because she was telling you how great you were and that she wants you in her life:

she said I was her best boyfriend, her rock, her best friend

She said herself she was happy until she wasn’t with me. Lots of her words gave me high hopes for our future together

And then she goes and joins a dating app a few days after the breakup! I am sorry…

It does seem she wasn’t very honest with you, or even if she meant you were the best boyfriend, she still chose to find another one, instead of working on herself. Maybe you were indeed the most caring and patient boyfriend she had so far, but it could be that she didn’t like it when you encouraged her to seek therapy, or when you noticed some of her traumatic reactions.

You said that the night she left she actually got upset when you told her this:

I mentioned to her I noticed that she rolls over and goes quiet when she is in a sad state, I also told her I realise that sometimes she death stares me with a blank face when she is upset/angry. This stare almost seems like a switch to me. when I mentioned this i think it started the events later in the night.

It could be that she didn’t like being told those things (even if they were true). Maybe she did feel inadequate and felt that you were trying to put her down (even though you didn’t – you were just being honest with her). But because of her unresolved trauma, it hurt her and she didn’t want to hear it.

So this could be an alternative explanation to why she broke it off. We thought it was because she realized how hurt she was and that she isn’t capable of loving you properly. But maybe she saw it differently: maybe she thought that you weren’t capable of loving her “perfectly”, without triggering her, without mentioning her traumatic reactions. Maybe she was hurt by what she perceived as your “imperfect” love. And so her motivation for leaving would have been different than what we thought.

In any case, I hope you know that your love wasn’t “imperfect” or lacking, and that you didn’t do anything wrong by sometimes noticing her emotional states or reactions. But it could be that this was painful for her and she couldn’t really face herself… and so she opted to leave.

In that scenario (where she rather blames you for not being “sensitive enough”), it would make sense that she’d start looking for someone else, who will be “better” than you and give her what she needs. Of course, it’s an illusion, because no one will be able to give her what she really needs until she resolves her trauma. But she could be hoping for it and trying nevertheless… after all, she’s only 21, and you’re right, there could be some immaturity about her too, or simply wanting to take a shortcut, instead of diving deeper into her own issues.

It’s put a lot into perspective for me as this just seems like toxic, selfish behavior as well as being immature about relationships.

Well, yes, it’s selfish, but it’s the result of her woundedness. People who are wounded don’t care much about others, i.e. they inadvertently hurt others. She didn’t want to hurt you on purpose, but she did nevertheless, because as the saying goes, “hurt people hurt people”.

I feel harsh saying it but I genuinely think I deserved better after all the effort and support I’ve put in.

You do deserve better. You deserve to be in an emotionally healthy relationship, where you don’t need to walk on eggshells and apologize for your every word. The relationship with her wasn’t like that…

If I don’t hear back from her then I know she isn’t worth it. If I do it’ll have to be up to her to chase me because right now as you said I need to work on myself.

Well, if you knew that she joined the dating app, would you have sent that letter? I guess not… She might reply if she doesn’t find anyone better on the app… but I hope you won’t rush to accept her back and start the same cycle again. Because don’t forget that she can’t just heal miraculously and be a changed person without doing any work on herself. In any case, I’d be very careful even if she replied and wanted to get back together…

I’m investing too much into someone who either has a serious mental condition, lots of confusion, a problem with honesty and lying, or they are just young immature and toxic about relationships.

Probably all of the above is true. But as I said, she’s not doing it on purpose. Nevertheless, you don’t need to be a part of it. As you said, you deserve better. And the best is to really focus on yourself and work on yourself. May I ask – have you in the past been in a similar relationship, with someone problematic whom you wanted to “save”?