Hi everyone,

I’ve been an active Tiny Buddha reader, including the Forums’ and I think the input, empathy and compassion here is amazing, so I decided to share. I have been dating someone for what would be a year in couple of weeks (status is currently TBD, I will get to that), this may be a long one, so bear with me and thank you for reading.

I am a woman in my early 40s, never married, lived in different countries, I feel that I have a fulfilling life (job I love, amazing friends, things I like doing on my own, passions). He is 39, has two young kids, separated 2 years ago. In the last 10 years I dated, had relationships, was single, you name it. He was married for same amount of time. Our 1st date was long and very fun, I was upfront and asked him about divorce and couple other things that I felt needed to be addressed. He was upfront, which I liked. His profile said he was having fun but open to relationship. We proceeded to date, he expressed that he’d prefer to date casually at the time, I said ok this is very new so I get it. 2 months in he shared that he likes me and is scared, I said I didn’t want to put pressure on and even though dating casually is not my jam usually, I can understand where he is at (juggling many things including home sale, moving, child care etc.) After 3 or so months we both stopped going on other dates – I only found this out later – went on summer trips etc. I should probably mention that the behaviors were not what I would describe as casual, we hold hands and are affectionate in public, he met my friends and I met couple of his. Majority of free time is spent together and it is a great vibe, we enjoy sharing things and experiencing food, travel, music etc.

It has been very easy and effortless. From where I stand, we have amazing chemistry, passion (for life, not drama, which can be sometimes misinterpreted as passion) and are compatible, which to me is super important. Feelings naturally developed on both sides. I was aware of how hard separating was as he was open about it (due to basically being incompatible in lifestyle and decision making, very civil and friendly after, he always spoke nicely of her even tho sometimes he is frustrated) and he shared his fears of being trapped and feeling obligated. I told him that I want him to only do things he truly wants to do, not things he feels he should be doing and spoke to him about how I want to continue just what we do and don’t need to move onto more serious things, which is truly how I feel, I value time spent together and respect that we both have responsibilities.

6 months in he expressed that his feelings of fear are present again – fear of being trapped, fearing that even tho he does not feel obligated with me he thinks it would come, fearing there is better match out there. As transpired from the conversation, there was a little bit of peer pressure (hey, you just separated and you’re getting into a relationship again, you should be dating etc.) but mostly I felt fear of commitment and perhaps mistrust in his own feelings. He said he thinks he wants to go on dates with other people – we have never officially became exclusive but we have both behaved exclusive for a while at that point. He acknowledged that what we have is great, in fact he felt like he went from not good to great but said he doesn’t even know what the variety is out there. While it is harder for me to grasp some of the info, the fact that he lack experience I can understand. I said if you feel like you want to go on dates I will not stop you, but if things between you and I change we have to address it and/or if I am no longer feeling good I have to remove myself, I also said that if I desired to get to know someone, I’d go on a date as well, made sure he knew it would not be out of spite. I chatted to some people as neither of us ever delated dating apps but that was it. Later I learned that he never went on any dates as feeling he could gave him enough “freedom”

This came up few times for the following 3 months and gradually kinda died down, he expressed he was not using apps anymore couple of months later. We decided to go on vacation together and I met his kids before NY, partially accidental but it went well and we had a good time. Fast forward after vacay, my gut was being iffy so I asked him how he felt about us. He said he thought things between us are really good but he doesn’t want to be committed. This caught me off guard at this point, almost a year in. I asked why, he reiterated his previous feelings and said that if there is a perfect match out there he feels like he owes it to himself to look for it (imo there is no such thing, but I understand how that is a reasoning allowing one not to commit), said he knows it’s maybe something he’d regret and that most people would be ok with where he is and some friends would tell him he’s an idiot.  At the time I said I wanted things to be what they are and stated that I am not sure how long I’d feel that way. I needed some time to process, subconsciously, and I can fully admit that I did not want to end things because of how well we fit together.

Few weeks later we spent an amazing weekend together, it was very attentive and affectionate, filled with food, some chores and fun things, lots of intimacy. At the end of it I felt overwhelmed and had an emotional conversation with him, saying I felt confused because things are great, yet he wants to date other women. I said I was sure I wanted to be with him and that I would like for him to be sure as well and to feel safe and secure with me, and I suggested we take a break so we can reevaluate. He said he was honest with me and there was nothing to reevaluate – this was absolutely not something expected at the end of 3 amazing days, he was confused (we talked about this a month ago and I seemed kind on board I guess) and hurt. Within a week he reached out few times and we had a conversation about this. I clarified that I do want to be with him but also don’t want to be settled for and cannot compromise my integrity as I know I would be getting hurt more. He said he misses me and he’s been thinking about it every day and that he’s been asking friends too. At that time I think he was trying to find a solution to his imminent wants and needs, looking into how to not feel trapped eventually in a relationship, sayin that what comes out for him is an open relationships – I feel perhaps seeing if I would be inclined to go back to where we were. I can understand this as in his perspective I was always ok with it so far. In my perspective we had been acting exclusive for the majority of the time (this is something he is aware of as well). I said I did not want to engage in one as it requires a level of maturity I don’t think either of us have (as OR or Poly basically means you are involved and fostering more than one relationship etc). The conversation was emotional on both ends but I felt better for expressing what is a no go for me and for him having clarity on that. He said he knew he had a lot to work through and that he knew it was a decision he has to make. I said we should not communicate as that way it is truly a break and we had a nice good bye.

We have not spoken since (almost 3 weeks) and I guess what I am looking for is some input/experience from anyone willing to give it. I have never done a break before, nor have I ever gotten back with anyone. I did think about breaking it off and if I am being honest, the only thing that stopped me is that there are no deal breakers/red flags or behaviors I dislike (ahem, other than the fear to commit, of course) and the compatibility in my opinion is tremendous. It is not that him or I are extraordinary, yes, I think he is great and he says I’m amazing but it is really about how it comes together in harmony and similar needs, values and sharing. I know that what I said can be viewed as an ultimatum as it came kind of suddenly and it would have been better to have more of a conversation than an emotional outburst (which I feel we did have some days later), even tho to me it feels like I had to communicate my boundaries and let him know how I felt and give him space to consider things. In the last conversation I asked him to think about how he felt about himself when he was with me, about us and the relationship. He is quite analytical and in my observation he doesn’t trust and is avoiding his feelings maybe as they let him down the wrong path before.

I am well aware there is a great likelihood of things not working out and at this point I have said what I had to say and I have no control over the outcome. And as much as I would like to be in a relationship with him I know I will be ok if that doesn’t happen. I miss spending time with him, of course, and sometimes wonder what he’s thinking. Has anyone been in a similar boat, and even if not, what’s your take on this pickle? As someone who tends to pay attention to actions of others more closely than their words, for the first time ever I feel like that betrayed me, as what he’s been doing is contradicting what he says.