Dear Anna

I am sorry that you have been subjected to a toxic relationship and that your friendships at this moment are rocky when you need their support and you probably feel that you too would like to support them in return.

To help with healing go into a natural place. If you can sit or stand for 15 mins barefoot this is called grounding/earthing. if there is a breeze imagine that it is passing thru your body blowing away the emotional dust leaving you clean and free also face the sun and close your eyes allow the warmth enter you and ooze down to your heart allowing you to love and be loved.

No thing stays the same this is called impermanence,  some suffering occurs when we fight this either by grasping holding on to a good situation (happiness) or by repressing/repelling. this does not mean that you have to stay in a bad situation ie toxic relationships.

You now have the luxury of time.  Sit quietly with a pen & paper gently possit the question How do I want to live my life? then jot down ideas and thoughts & feelings.  There is a site called workaway which posts hundreds of different jobs ( room & board in exchange for 20- 25 hours work) in a myriad of locations all over the world this may inspire you to see which kind of work sparks your interest.   meanwhile volunteering keeps us busy and helps with self esteem.

Dear Anna,

You have so much to give even if you think you don’t. Those who reject you and difficult situations do not define you. You are the only you that will ever be. You can take your power back by believing in yourself. You don’t need to win the world over. You need to be true to yourself, whatever that means. That will give the bravery to get through this. You are not alone. I’m glad you are asking for help. I have been through a recent trial of med changes for my bipolar where I was struggling with hallucinations and also cannot work am on disability. Luckily that has been solved. I barely survived mental health crises all my life. So I know that there’s a force in this world of good that holds us together. It doesn’t matter what you call it – God, universe…but know that there’s good working in your life. You just can’t see it. Somehow you will use this part of your story to make yourself strong and help others. You are the only one who can share your story. So be open. Be more vulnerable. Allow people to see this side of you.

Sarah

Dear Anna,

I’m recovering from a toxic relationship that led to me being broke and broken.

I am very sorry this happened to you. It’s tough. Would you like to share some more? You did say earlier that you were in a relationship with a narcissist. Has he manipulated you financially, so you ended up broke?

I’m also very confused when it comes to my career choice and future place to live and have this ‘mind-fog’. I feel I’m not myself as I’m usually joyful and open.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can cause people to start questioning themselves, even having brain fog, because the narcissist undermines their self-confidence. The person doesn’t know what to think any more, they don’t trust themselves any more… Was that your experience too?

Dear Anna,

you’re welcome!

He changed from a nice guy I thought he was to this cold stranger from one day to another.

Oh that’s horrible. Has he changed soon after you moved to his country? I mean, have you two met online and then you agreed to move to his country? Or you knew him in person before you moved there?

Now I’m back in my country but unfortunately I didn’t cut off all contact yet…

Oh you’re still in touch with him? How come, if I may ask? Maybe staying in touch is what makes it harder for you to focus on yourself and your life ahead, without him?

Dear Anna,

no, I did spend some time with him in person before deciding to move to his country. I guess he was showing me his good side and mirroring me, what toxic people do..Plus, I did ignore a few red flags.

Oh right.. if he was a narcissist, he might have been love bombing you. Or simply telling you what you wanted to hear. It’s good you’re aware of those red flags now…

I hope soon I’ll be strong enough to cut contact with him altogether..

Yes, if he is a toxic person, I guess keeping contact with him isn’t really helping, unless you have to be in touch for practical/logistical reasons.

It’s just I’m even more lost now because I feel I’m losing two of my friends, one of them someone who I considered my best friend.

Do you feel it’s because you have changed, or perhaps it’s them? I am asking because you said your best friend is going through a hard time as well, so perhaps that’s why she isn’t able to support you the way you’d want to? You said she used to be your safe haven – could it be that her personal struggles make her less able to be that stable point in your life?

I hope to get a job at least soon, so that I could travel and afford a therapy.

I wish you success in landing a job. If I may suggest something: you said you don’t know what career path to choose and that you have brain fog. My advice is to not be too picky with jobs at this point, since you need the money. Once you get a job and get things going and start the positive spiral again, the brain fog will clear and you’ll be able to decide what career path to take, where to live etc.

But at this point, I’d say don’t put so much pressure on yourself to make the perfect decision. Just take something, even if it’s not the job of your dreams, and get the ball rolling. Once you get up on you feet, you can switch to something more appealing and long-term.

What do you say?

Dear Anna,

you are very welcome.

I am sorry your ex is giving you such a hard time. The fact that he threatened to sue you for something you said, and also that he acts superior pretending to wish you all the best – is a pretty clear indicator to me that he is narcissistic. Narcissistic people tend to threaten and seek revenge, and yet keep saying how good and caring they are, while you are the bad guy.

I am glad this was the last straw and you blocked him everywhere. But it seems he still has a big impact on you because you take his words seriously and you believe him, right? You say his email made you cry – and I can imagine he said some really nasty things and you took it to heart, right?

I am sorry he is torturing you like that. It seems he really ruined your self-esteem and made you doubt yourself. You can recover, Anna, but it’s important that you don’t believe his accusations! You are not a bad person, you’re not narcissistic (I guess he accused you of being narcissistic because you dared to express your own needs?). He is trying to put you down, so he can control you and have power over you. Narcissistic people need to feel better than others – that’s the only way they can feel good about themselves.

I understand it’s hard for you to face all of this alone, with your two good friends not really able to offer much help. You can post here and share your struggles, if you’d like. You don’t need to hold back. I’ll try to help.

Also, there are good youtube videos on narcissism. One of the most famous youtube experts on narcissism is Dr. Ramani – you can check her channel.

Another super helpful youtube channel is Crappy Childhood Fairy, with tons of videos on how to heal from childhood trauma aka complex PTSD. She has a good video on narcissism, titled Narcissistic Abuse: These Characteristics Make you Vulnerable. Maybe you’ll recognize yourself and your ex in the story she presents.

Please know that his abuse is NOT your fault and that you didn’t deserve it. And that you are not the bad person he is portraying to you to be! I hope you can accept it and start your recovery slowly from there… This should also give you a little more energy to get things going, little by little.

Hope to talk to you soon!

Dear Anna,

you are very welcome!

Yes, this relationship had a devastating impact on my self-esteem and even faith in humans. The ending was just disgusting to me…

Yeah, if he threatened to sue you for something you’ve said, that’s really low.

It made me cry because I can’t grasp or accept the fact that the guy I was so in love with now is threatening me like that.

I can imagine you felt crushed by his cruelty and his total lack of empathy for you. You thought you knew him, and he turned out to be someone completely different. I totally feel your pain and disbelief. Try to not blame yourself for any of the abuse that happened – he was manipulating you in the beginning, probably love bombing you, and you got hooked.

As an empath, one really listens to your partner, is open to amend the behaviour so gaslighting makes one’s mind crazy.

Oh I see. So he was telling you what you’re doing wrong, and you wanted to please him and correct your behavior, right? You were open to changing yourself… but he abused it – because in fact, the problem wasn’t in you, but in him. But he presented it as your problem – that something is wrong with you. And I guess he managed to convince you and you started to question yourself?

He would say I don’t give him space. But when we argued or I would voice my needs or concerns (I would state things calmly) he would shut down and normally either didn’t talk to me till I started a conversation or would just continue after some time as if nothing happened. So what could one do in such situation?

He was using silent treatment to punish you for expressing your needs. He didn’t want to hear about your needs – he only cared about himself. And his silent treatments were effective because after a while you reached out to him, naturally, because you needed connection and bonding. You didn’t ask for accountability, you just resumed with loving him. So those silent treatments were in fact a way to silence you – to manipulate you into accepting him on his terms and not ask anything for yourself.

I’m a bit worried because next week I’ll be staying in the city where my best friend lives. Normally I always stayed in her place but as it seems she doesn’t want to host me I’m staying somewhere else. I’m a bit sad but also preoccupied how she will act when we meet.

Do you think she might have changed her opinion of you? Was there a big fallout between you two in the recent times?

It’s just I don’t know how many disappointments I can take these days…I’m normally tougher but currently I feel vulnerable and broken.

I understand. Being in a relationship with a narcissist can break the person. I am glad you left his country and stopped all contact with him. Only no contact will enable you to heal gradually. I hope your friend will still be there for you, even if she can’t be that safe haven she used to be in the past.

Please keep writing, if it helps…