Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→How not to take outside help and a question about stability.
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Ocean Shayan.
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June 8, 2023 at 8:46 am #419819
Ocean Shayan
ParticipantI have been known to consult astrologers, tarot readers ‘scanners’ and yes, most of them turned out to be scammers.
I am 43, survived corona and recently got married. I was alone for 10 years and I had go used to loneliness, solitude as I called it. I had health issues and now I am alright. It actually took a lot of preparing my own medicine. I have a small farm. I grew these plants myself and looked up youtube videos and processed them. Until then, I took store bought Ayurvedic medicine. After that, I am feeling better.
Stress is more of a social component, I feel. I would say, we have got over the ‘survival’ phase thanks to civilization and society. That I feel is the reason why we rely on society so much.
A year into the marriage, despite the fact that my wife still smiles to this day as soon as we see each other, I had some resentment about marriage. Having been divorced earlier, I had taken that to be a refuge. So, I thought of divorce and supress that latent thought everytime it emerged. To talk to her about it would rob me of her smile. Then one day, I did. I spoke to her about my solitude needs and she said, we will give each other space, 3 days a week I sleep in the other room. Mentally, I thought to myself, I would consider her a friend I live with and not my wife. It was the hardest thing to do. It took me 4 days. I felt I saw all the people who had attended my marriage, my relatives and my friends calling me a chicken. But I did that and now, I sleep only once a week in my room. Then I told her and now it all seems so silly.
Coming back to outside help, I feel we need to be in touch with the most stable ‘whole’ of us before we get into meditation or dreaming. Wall gazing has helped me a lot in this regard. I do get carried away by daydreaming, being a writer. This is not a piece of advice. We emulate people who we think are tough, to get into their company, but we need a measure of our own stable base before we read about what Buddha said and apply it into our lives.
So, my question is, how does one know if the personalities in your mind dropping hints are to be believed. I have heard that a person meditating develops his intuition. At what stage does he start acting upon them. And yes, how does one find stability in himself. Do you start with the obvious physical things or does the mind need to be calmed and stabilized before you commit yourself to some physical activity?
Thanks for reading.
June 9, 2023 at 4:31 am #419831Roberta
ParticipantDear Ocean Shayan
You seem to be a deeply conscious thoughtful caring being who is very active in your & others well-being.
I would look at the teachings of right speech which may help you discern the validity & helpfulness of the inner chatter. Centering and setting the motivation behind the physical activity may also bring extra depth.
Thich Nat Hanh book Present moment, Wonderful moment is a wonderful primer for beginning this kind of practice.
Most of us live such busy lives that the inner voice of wisdom is drowned out by the noisy fluff that dominates most of our waking moments and also our nightly dreams.
Your wife seems to also be very supportive & caring does she have spiritual leanings as well?
Best wishes
Roberta
June 9, 2023 at 8:25 am #419832Ocean Shayan
ParticipantHi Roberta
Thanks
I have downloaded a sample on Kindle and it is good reading so far. We have a kid now, eleven months old and my wife is busy taking care of him. She has also gone through a bad marriage and is from a humble financial background. I mention that because she still adheres to simple living without spending too much. That, I guess is her spirituality. I rely on her a lot.
Yes, your advice helped me. Centering myself. I actually used to look for a place within the physical body to center myself in. Having read about words like heart chakra, dantian and the like. But i now center myself intuitively in the center which is more peaceful. Can’t describe it. Happened in the evening just an hour back. Of course, it’s not the end of my suffering, but definitely makes me more carefree.
Thank you so much. And I will update more as time goes by. I wish you well in your life and I am sure your genuine yearning to help others will reduce the burden of many people.
In addition, I should say, being in my family community, it is difficult to practice Buddhism because you have many ignorant people telling you things like Buddhism is a misleading religion and the like. It’s all hokum, no doubt what they say, but being deprived of a group which practices Buddhism assiduously does hamper progress.
Anyway, I wish you all the best in your career as well.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Regards</p>June 10, 2023 at 6:58 am #419941Roberta
ParticipantDear Ocean Shayan
My childhood upbringing was loosely christian, which probably helps me find a initial interfaith dialogue.
Having lived in the same community on & off for nearly 60 years the residents can see how much I have grown & changed in the last 15 +years and as I walk the talk. I also in general do not discuss the more esoteric aspect of buddhism, but stick to the more psychological stance which now thanks to modern science is becoming mainstream.
I agree it is harder & lonelier not having the support of a local buddhist community, but thanks to the internet I can access lots of teachings and facetime fellow remote friends/practitioners that and the immense wealth and variety of written material now available means that I can study & practice with relative ease when family commitments allow.
I looked after my grandson 1 morning a week from the age of 3 months and I remember him feeding and sleeping on my lap whilst I did my prayers in the Shrine room, and during lock down I lived with him so he got used to me doing “Buddha Time”.
I wish you and your family all the best on the spiritual journey & hope that you will get the support to allow you all to flourish.
June 17, 2023 at 1:27 pm #420110Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantI think that if you think of your wife as a friend, you’re not really in a relationship. That isn’t as fair to her (or to you). I would consider marriage counseling. This is concerning because it means there’s a lack of intimacy.
June 17, 2023 at 10:31 pm #420114Ocean Shayan
ParticipantHi Roberta
Yes, things are looking up now. I have connected with an informal community that practices Tai Chi and go on treks. I am from the media industry, so was affected by thos clamour for fame and recognition. Slowly, as those desires to be recognised and not follow the general queue at ceremonies fade away, I am finding life to be easier.
Thanks for your wishes. They really helped me come to grips with the situation.
Regards
Satya
June 17, 2023 at 10:55 pm #420115Ocean Shayan
ParticipantHi Sarah
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Yes, I forgot to mention, I have a kid now, eleven months old. And so, physical intimacy is somewhat off the table. We got married about 2 years back during the pandemic and the anxiety related to it was there. We don’t really have problems. It’s just me who gets paranoid time to time. I do not have financial difficulties. My only goal is to do something good. I am donating to some charities from the office account.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I am not saying I have lots of money, but I have more than enough. The problem is, it is a family business and my father is not fain to encourage me in this. There is this plot of land I own and I intend to give it to my wife’s family because they are in need though they don’t show it. I am going ahead with this without my father’s approval. But it is causing a lot of discomfort in both our families. Add to it some miserly friends of his who give advice that are too worldly. One guy said, ‘Why don’t you wait for 8 to 10 years, the prices there are soaring. We can make a good profit. ‘And he’s 61.</p>
Looks like I am mixing everything up. But thanks for reading.June 17, 2023 at 11:10 pm #420121Ocean Shayan
ParticipantHi Sarah
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Yes, My kid is 11 months old now and so, physical intimacy is somewhat off the table. We got married about 2 years back during the pandemic and the anxiety related to it was there. We don’t really have problems. It’s just me who gets paranoid time to time. I do not have financial difficulties. My only goal is to do something good. I am donating to some charities from the office account.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I am not saying I have lots of money, but I have more than enough. The problem is, it is a family business and my father is not fain to encourage me in this. There is this plot of land I own and I intend to give it to my wife’s family because they are in need though they don’t show it. I am going ahead with this without my father’s approval. But it is causing a lot of discomfort in both our families. Add to it some miserly friends of his who give advice that are too worldly. One guy said, ‘Why don’t you wait for 8 to 10 years, the prices there are soaring. We can make a good profit. ‘And he’s 61.</p>
Looks like I am mixing everything up. But thanks for reading.June 18, 2023 at 3:46 am #420123Roberta
ParticipantDear Ocean Shayan
I had a slightly similar situation. back in the late 90’s I acquired an almost ruin and land then in 2007 I took out a mortgage and had a small meditation centre built and in the early years parts were rented out as office space to help cover mortgage payments. The space is opened 24/7 to the public as a place of quiet refuge and is also used as short term emergency accommodation and retreats and until recently we held guided meditation sessions 3 times a week ( meditation is now at my home twice a week due to me looking after my father) and I hope it will shortly also be used as a drop in space for the local community. Its monetary value is of no concern to me. even if others remark on its worth. Buddhist teachings on 8 worldly concerns help ground & guide me.
Best wishes
Roberta
June 18, 2023 at 6:33 pm #420128Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantI understand the lack of physical intimacy due to having a child but it’s still a red flag to sleep in separate beds and think of her as a friend. There’s emotional intimacy too that seems to be lacking. If I was her, I would want affection and validation. If someone wanted space from me, that would impact my self esteem. I’m only saying this with empathy from her point of view. If she’s cool with it, that’s your unique relationship!
June 18, 2023 at 9:40 pm #420135Ocean Shayan
Participant<p style=”text-align: left;”>Yes Sarah</p>
Yes, the separate room thing happens only when I am back from visiting friends after a few drinks. About once a month. Yes, we talk a lot and we have a deep connect. Whenever I am worried, she actually calls. Some intuition at work perhaps. We do have a travel itenary. There is a forest nearby where we rent a hut and stay for a couple of days.She does support me in my meditation. She knows I won’t become a monk and run away or something. Especially, after I read this line about Zen to her.
‘Looking for Bodhi outside of everyday life is like brushing aside waves looking for water’
– Dogen ( I think)
I saw your qualification and I was wondering whether you believe in karma. I speak to people and I have learnt Reiki/Pranuc healing. But people say you end up taking their bad karma. I am not worried about that. But psychologically speaking, how do such things affect a person and it’s impact on the world at large especially because people with a healing disposition would be impeded.
Regards
Satya
June 19, 2023 at 11:25 am #420155Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantOkay I understand a little better now!
I do not believe in karma. I believe life is unfair. But I also believe there is more to this life. An afterlife. That things get righted there. I know that is not necessarily what this site believes or what you believe or may want to hear. I had a bad experience with reiki. It led me to thank a former therapist. Then the spell was broken and I realized she actually abused me. I got her fired instead. It sort of warped energy into something seemingly positive but ultimately not right.
June 19, 2023 at 7:42 pm #420177Ocean Shayan
ParticipantYes Sarah. Reiki, I still have doubts about it being used for a positive influence. Reiki sometimes can be uncontrollable and so I decided to stick to Vipassana. Simple reason. I put effort and I am actually doing something rather than invoke some energies. But reiki also can get into bad hands too, though I haven’t seen anything of that sort.
I love people, but I am coming to loathe humanity in general for what they do. These days when a person dies, I have seen instances where the relatives do not let the body be taken for the funeral until his property and money are distributed among his relatives. And such instances are increasing. Just a couple of days ago, I was witness to it. In such a world, you are actually forgiven for ‘defying’ a Buddhist view.
Personally, i think a set of beliefs is needed.
About your energy warping, I have heard about that too. I think you have some stable quality in you that made you realise and take necessary steps. So that ought to make you feel a lot better.
In place of reiki I use hand ‘mudras’. These mudras, in about a month’s duration of practice helped me get my bearings right. There are many of them, primarily water, earth, air and .’shunya’ which I use. So, it’s practically in your hands.
Regards
Satya
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